Saturday, June 27, 2009

Abuse, Work Hard, not Smart

I will forever marvel at the man who gathers his children warmly about himself, gives them tender kisses and words of love, then turns to the mother of his children, and gives her spite, cruelty , degrading words, and carries within himself the illusion that he is a good, loving righteous father.

These sights remind me of a couple I once knew. They loved their little boy dearly. The dotted on him as though he were the very son of God. As they both worked full time, the couple employed a nanny. Many times I was shocked by how degrading their manner was toward their nanny. Didn't they understand when their backs were turned, the nanny was the one in care of their child. A child receives their happiness or sorrow from their primary care giver.

If a father loves his children and has the slightest clue as to human nature and physics he should demonstrate the utmost kindness to his children's mother, and lift her up. In order for the mother of his children to provide a caring, nurturing environment for her children, she needs to be emotionally and physically strong.

Every time, he digs at their mother, tearing her down, he is destroying his children's world. So many mothers have to strengthen their hearts, bind them up, and turn to their children, and as an demonstration of love to them, refuse to pass on the abuse to the children.

Don't these men understand that you can't abuse a woman without abusing her children. Emotionally or physically. It's just another way of burning down the home your children are sleeping in.

One of the hardest things I've had to deal with, is having my husband beat the living crap out of my soul, to stand up afterward, wrap up my ravaged heart, and lovingly care for my children despite everything that just happened to me.

I felt like I had to be an impenetrable fortress for my children. Sometimes it was so hard as he always knew the most painful hurtful things he could do or say, and he was completely willing to say or do anything, even when I wasn't willing to retaliate.

The hardest part as a mother of feeling your soul break down, is knowing your soul needs to be strong for your children. Knowing you have less to give to them.

Motherhood is one of life's most challenging tasks and mothers need all the strength they can get.

If a man wants to build up his children, he must also build up the mother of his children. Otherwise, he may work hard, but not smart. He working against himself.

Father's need to remember to honor the mother of their children, they need it.

When can you accept an abusive husband back into your home?

This essay is for the many women who still love abusive men despite everything they do to you. 

If he's really willing to overcome it, and you are willing to stand up to him, and he takes it, maybe. 

Remember Jacob worked 7 years for Rachel, actually 14, you deserve the same. 

Honey, if you want him back, and you want the happiness you deserve, stand up to him. Be strong. Make him face reality. 

If he can't take it, all his charm is meaningless and self deception. 

If he runs away when you stand up to him, it simply means he was just going to hurt you again anyway. 

Realizing they may leave you, can be the hardest part of standing up to someone you love. 

Maybe his return can be considered if; 

A. He has a family who will stand up to him and kick his hiney. 

B. He admits to everything, 

C. He attends extended counseling with a counselor who knows the truth. 

D. Respects your hurt, and validates it, and works to repair it. 

E. Serves his time and pays his debt to society if necessary.

F. You can stand up to him, maintain your own identity, and he respects you. 

G. You can tell him no without him flying into a rage. 

H. You must be separated for at least a 6 months, a year is better. 

I. He tells the people he's lied to the truth. 

J. He has to respect your faith. 

Then you can consider it. After abuse has entered a relationship, it's pretty challenging to eradicate. Because of the personal risk involved, you have to be emotionally strong enough to demand all of this. 

He has to change and come to understand how amazing you are. 

You have to change and realize how valuable you are, and be strong enough to demand the respect you deserve. 

Once you realized how amazing you are, it becomes more difficult to impress you. 

Unfortunately so many women love their husband so much. They desperately want to see their family together in peace. 

They quickly forget how abuse is passed on to the children. How vulnerable they are. 

They forget so quickly how their husband loved how helpless she was against him. It's so easy and tempting to just take the man back, and forget everything as though it never happened. 

After years of emotional and personal investment of nurturing, it seems impossible to give up for some women. 

For some women, walking away from the relationship can hurt as much as the relationship itself. It can leave such a huge void in her soul. Every woman I have met who has allowed him to return prematurely, has suffered immeasurably. 

But they don't care, they just settle for the illusion of a family. One friend was beaten until she couldn't get up again when her baby was only 5 weeks old. She was helpless for several days. Within a week she took him back. Too many stories to list. 

Sisters, remember that the Almighty God loves you. 

He doesn't want you to suffer. 

Your feelings are valid, and of worth to God. God does not expect you to stay, or risk your own emotional well being for another. 

 Recovery from an abusive marriage can take as long as the marriage itself.

What is Spousal Rape?

She lays for a moment, confused about what just happened. He rolls over and gives one last sigh, lays firmly on his back, closes his eyes and falls asleep.

She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath for a moment. She sits up and slowly walks into the bathroom.

What just happened? What should she do? She knows she's not supposed to take a shower. Every woman knows that. Don't take a shower. But it will feel so comforting. What difference does taking a shower make anyway? They are married. What's the point of a kit.

She thinks for a moment, should she go to the doctor to get that pill. She can shower while she decides.

When a woman is in control of her life, of her surroundings, she takes a bath. But this is one of those occasions, a shower is the only option. The thought of the warm soothing water running over her, leads her to turn on the water, undress, and step in.

One last time, before it's too late, "Don't take a shower. Go to the hospital. She hears in her head.

"But it wasn't rape, he is my husband. It's not like that."

Why didn't he listen? She told him earlier that month that the medication and immunization the doctor gave her could cause serious birth defects, that she didn't want to get pregnant at that time. She told him she was ovulating. She always told him when she was ovulating. She pushed him off twice and told him to use protection. He told her she didn't need protection. He told her she was not ovulating. He thought he knew better. He never did that before. He didn't know how the medication would affect the symptoms of ovulation. Why now? Why did he ignore her when it mattered the most?

She curses her weak little arms, and pledges to work out more. If only she could have strong enough to pushed him off more forcefully.

As the hot water runs over, her she stands as a million thoughts paralyze her. She stares at the soap scum on the shower door.

She thinks of her friend's little baby boy with birth defects. His funny shaped face and body. She thinks of all the care and love her friend gives her disabled boy, the work, the need for meticulous care of the child. Can she live up to that? She thinks of the family she knows caring for their adult son lying in bed watching Disney, who took medication the doctor claimed was safe when he was 9 months old. Is she capable of that kind of overwhelming care for up to 35 years?

What just happened? She doesn't mind the lack of power in her relationship with her husband. She doesn't need power. She just wants him to take better care at more informed decisions. She just wants him to consider her a little when he makes those decisions. "I guess he wants to be the one to decide when I'm ovulating?" She tells herself. But he doesn't know about all the other symptoms. I guess he's decided to be the one to determine my cycle.

He decides what she likes. He decides what she doesn't like. If she tries to tell him not to do something, he holds her wrists and does it anyway. She tells him what hurts, but he does it anyway, it's his favorite position. She grips the sheets in pain and waits it out. She wishes he wouldn't do that. She wishes he would listen.

What should she do now? If she goes to the emergency room to take that pill, what will they ask her? How does she explain to the doctor that he forced her, but it wasn't really rape? It wasn't like that.

She doesn't have any bruises. She's not bleeding. Don't rape victims have bruises? It's not rape.

Should she terminate the inevitable pregnancy? What will her baby suffer through? She didn't like the way her friend forced her disabled infant to live through so many invasive surgeries. Should she make the same choice?

Her religion teaches her that if she's raped or the baby has serious birth defects it's okay to terminate the pregnancy. But it wasn't really rape, it was her husband. And she doesn't really know if the baby will be okay or not.

She thinks of the surgery she needs to have. She knows she'll have to wait to take care of the surgery. Nine months plus an extra six months after the delivery. That's when she can have the surgery. Since she didn't have the surgery, both she and the baby will be at risk. Her teeth? The dentist can't do those procedures on pregnant women. She can't take care of that. It will have to wait. Her body, she wanted to physically prepare it for pregnancy first.

For merely half a second she considers that maybe she should go in to the ER. A gentle voice from within says, "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability."

She leans against the shower wall. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"

She closes her eyes. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"

Can she end that?

She decides can not to go in to take the pill.

How will she tell him? She knows she can't talk to him about what happened. She's used to waiting to talk to him about her concerns. She's been waiting for years. Will he accept a child with a disability? Will he get mad at her and somehow blame her for getting pregnant? She should have pushed him away a third time, but he was so strong. He would have been angry with her.

She feels sad for him. He's going to feel so bad when he realizes what he did. His actions brought disability to his own child.

She commits to never condemn him for what he did. She must forgive him. She thinks of them together 20 years later, taking care of a special needs adult, and commits, even then, Even after I m exhausted, I will not show or feel anger. I will forgive him.

At least the child will be born into a loving family. She tells herself.

She silently prays to God. She asks God to forgive her husband for what he did to her, and her child.

God's answer was bold and shocking.

"No."

Confused, she asks the Lord to forgive him again.

"No."

She can't comprehend the answer. It's too much for her mind to grasp.

"Natalie, your submission to your husband's abuse has brought harm to your child. It's not just a sin against you, it's a sin against your child, you don't have the right to ask me that."

She shakes off the thought and blocks it out. It is too much.

What she doesn't understand, is that pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times for battered women.

What she doesn't understand, is that she is a battered woman.

What she doesn't understand, is that she doesn't have a loving family.

Abusers need control over their partner. Pregnancy is a threat to that power and control.

Pregnancy increases the risk of domestic violence.

The woman will have to put her body first. She will have to prepare for someone other than him in her life. She will have to think about someone else. He will lose a measure of control over her.

But most of all, for 9 months and after, her body will not be completely his.

He will not be happy that she is pregnant.

He will not accept responsibility for his actions.

He will not be there to comfort and help her as her child lays in intensive care.

He will not be there to comfort and support them at night as she holds her child during a seizure.

He will not be there to provide love and comfort during medical procedures.

He will blame her.

He will punish her.

Her body, her mind, and her baby, and her other children are at risk.

Her nightmare is only beginning.

She turns off the shower, dries her body, puts on her pajamas, and climbs into bed.

She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath.

When a man rapes a woman, he rapes her body.

When a husband rapes his wife, he rapes her soul.

A Meek answer Turneth away Wrath.

A meek answer turneth away wrath. A meek answer turneth away wrath. A meek answer turneth away wrath. These words rolled over and over again silently in my mind as I sat curled tightly and safely in a ball, shaking, the tears running down my cheeks. Why was he still yelling? I do everything, I work my butt off, and you do nothing! He screamed. I watched from the corner of my eye with my head tucked in, as he threw his prized laptop across the room. Bits, wires, plastic components bounced off the broken closet door and fell to the ground. The children were in the other room. Could our neighbors below hear him? I was scared they would call the police. I apologized to him. Knowing all the while, he wasn't really mad at me. He frequently took his anger to himself, out on me.

We had just returned from tithing settlement. We didn't pay a full tithe that year. We were $400 short. Tithing was the one bill he paid personally. He hated his job loading trucks. He put in 15-20 miserable hours a week providing for us. I knew it was a great sacrifice for him to take time away from his schooling to provide for us and was very careful with every penny. Since tithing is a sacrifice, I felt it was important for me to let him write the tithing check each month. On the way home from tithing settlement there was silence. I felt bad for him. I forgave him for not paying for our family faithfully. I didn't say a word. Then he asked, When was the last time you balanced the check book? Six months. It wasn't like there was anything to balance, we lived on 1.3k a month. My heart filled with fear as I realized he found a way to pin responsibility on me.

I continued shaking curled up on the bed, crying as he screamed. His voice was deep and threatening. He didn't stop. He went on, and on, and on. Why couldn't he see he was hurting me? Why didn't he stop?

I hoped if I submitted myself to him and apologized, he would feel bad for what he did. I believed his own conscience would work on him. The yelling lasted a long time. He didn't stop.

The next day I was still shaking. For three days I shook. The shaking just wouldn't stop. Something deep inside of me died. I loved him so much. He was my best friend, everything to me. I tried hard to please him. I wanted him to be happy. He seemed inclined to continual anger and spite.

The next day, I though he probably felt sorrow for his prior actions. As I sat at the computer, entering the data from our check book I wondered how remorseful he must have felt. It's hard to type when your hands are trembling. He came in the room. In a warm forgiving way, he sat down behind me in my chair. He put his arms around me as I typed.

He had benevolently forgiven me.

Later he related to his friends on how he felt sorrow for his temper. He told his friend he destroyed his precious laptop in a temper tantrum, and how he regretted the loss of his laptop.

Why is it some people cannot see they are hurting someone, and continue on to hurt? How is it they cannot see the pain in your eyes?

Sometimes, when someone is challenged and in pain themselves, they fail to see how much others are in pain and suffering. My husband was overwhelmed by his challenges, but had no clue how overwhelming my challenges as a mother were.

Some are moved by the unwillingness of others to fight back, some see it as a weakness.

Cry Baby Cry!

Her face turned bright red as she laid on my bed crying. My heart clenched up as I saw my little newborn girl wail. "Shshsh". I said softly, "Please don't cry." A quite fear tied me up inside as I tried to comfort her.

Many years prior, after our first child was born, he too cried. He cried loud and strong. When my little one was a couple of weeks old, I laid in bed and asked my husband to go pick up our new baby, and try to comfort him for me. I was so tired.

He tried and failed miserably. He told me, "I want to bash his head into the ceiling". I could see in his eyes that he meant it. He spent his childhood bashing gopher heads for a quarter each for the local farmer. I believed he meant it.

I never left him alone with our new baby after that. Our first baby cried continually. My heart clenched up every time with fear. My husband had a temper, and I always tried to keep everything around him perfect hoping to prevent an event.

But our son cried so much. I remember waking up to his cries, trying to comfort him. He cried when I picked him up. He cried when I put him down.

I felt like a failure as a mother. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.

Friends, family, and books said I should let him cry it out. When I tried that, he would cry for two hours every night, several times a night.

I made sure my husband wore ear plugs every night. I remember laying there on my side watching him in silence while he slept and our son cried, always wondering, Is my husband going to lose it?

Sometimes, as I held my little one crying in the middle of the night, I cried too. I tried everything. Every time he cried, I was afraid of my husbands temper.

My husband could be fine one minute, and blow up the next. So when he looked like he was handling it fine, I felt no peace.

One day my husband sat me down at the table for a talk. He wanted to take our son somewhere and drop him off. Abandon him. A parking lot, a park, anywhere. I looked in his eyes, and I knew he wasn't kidding. He was dead serious.

I reassured him the best I could. I knew if I couldn't comfort and help our son, and keep him quiet, the consequences would eventually be horrible.

One evening as we drove home, our son, then two years old, sat crying in the back of our two door vehicle next to his infant brother.

Our older son cried and cried and refused to be comforted. I was so afraid. My husband pulled over into a parking lot. My heart stopped. I froze like an opossum.

Whenever he became angry, I always froze, hoping that if I did nothing else to make him angry, he would calm down after venting.

He pulled our son out of the car, and set him in the parking lot next to the car. He pushed our son away from the door of the car. He was barely two years old. My husband told our toddler that he was going to leave him their because he cried to much. I froze. I didn't know what to do. Nothing in my life seemed to prepare me for this.

What do I do? What do I do?

I believed if I sat very still and didn't make him mad, he would calm down and everything would be alright. I was always afraid of what would happened if I stood up to him. I was so afraid he would blow up.

Our second infant was strapped in the back of the two door vehicle. If I got out of the car to save my toddler, I wouldn't be able to get move my seat fast enough to get our infant out of the car.

If I stepped out of the car, he could leave with our infant. I never left him alone with the children. What would he do to our infant in his anger?

My toddler in the parking lot or my infant in the car.

He yelled at our little toddler. He told our son, if he didn't stop crying he would leave him there. He meant it. This was no idle threat.

My little boy cried louder and he looked so scared. Didn't my husband know what he was doing to him.

You can't stop a child from crying by threatening. He cried more.

I am ashamed. I froze. I just didn't know what to do. After these events we can look back and know what we should have done. At the time, my brain froze.

After about ten minutes, my husband calmed down, and put our son back into the car.

I never forgot it. He never apologized. He never showed any sense of remorse.

I came to understand that my children could feel my fear. That when I entered my son's room at night, he could see my fear.

I couldn't comfort him because he knew something was terribly wrong.

None of the how to get your baby to sleep at night books talk about it.

Babies can feel the fear of their parents.

One of the signs of an emotional abused wife, is inconsolable babies.

To comfort a crying baby, you have to be at peace first.

Realizing that, with each child, I learned to focus my heart, and choose to feel peace and love when caring for my children, no matter what was happening around me.

It worked, most the time.

After our second child was born, he cried, my husband looked at him angrily and said, "He's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

I bound up my heart, and gave nothing but peace and love to the child.

After our third child was born, she cried, my husband looked angrily and said, "She's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

I bound up my heart, and gave nothing but peace and love to the child.

After our fourth child was born, she cried, my husband look angrily and said, " She's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

So back to the beginning of this story, I looked at my crying fourth child.

Events at that time in our family were too traumatic. I couldn't bind up my heart for her and comfort her. I looked at her in fear as she cried.

I remembered an old movie I saw and loved many years ago.

Quigly Down Under.

Crazy Cora. She was a wild woman. She was crazy. She was beautiful crazy. Why? She lived in a farm house of the old American frontier. A drunken Indian broke into her home while she was alone with her child. Crazy Cora hid in a closet with her baby.

"Hush baby, don't cry. Hush baby, don't cry." She tried to quiet her baby. But the baby kept crying. Finally she hushed the baby. She kept her baby quiet the only way she knew how. The drunken Indian left. Her baby was dead. She had smothered him. Cora went crazy after that.

Well, at the end of the movie, Crazy Cora was now in the wild Australian frontier with a beautiful aborigine baby. She was hiding in a cave at night with the little baby. Dingos circled the outside of the cave, while the baby started to cry.

"Hush baby, don't cry. Hush baby, don't cry." She tried to quiet the baby over and over again.

Then suddenly she snapped.

She pulled out the guns she had been left with and started shooting wildly in the air.

"Cry, baby Cry!" It was a beautiful moment. The dingos ran off.

Or something like that. It's been a decade since I saw the movie.

I looked down at my crying child. I tilted my head as I realized, I personally have no problem if she wants to cry. Her kindly grandpa was patient, he wouldn't mind or threaten. The other children didn't mind.

Her father had just left us.

It was alright. She could cry.

I picked her up smiling. "Cry, baby Cry." I said softly.

When I see little infants crying at church, or anywhere else, I smile. I ask if I can hold the child.

I love to see babies cry. It's alright if they want to cry. Take care of them. Love them. If something is wrong, fix it. But if they want to cry, it's alright. They can cry.

It's funny how if you let the baby cry, but you are at peace, and smile at your little one to comfort them peacefully.

They stop crying.

A troubled mother cannot comfort a stressed baby. A mother must first be comforted.

Domestic Violence and Ethnic Cleansing

Genesis 6:5 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

Proverbs 12 The words of the wicked are to lie in wait for blood: but the mouth of the upright shall deliver them. Deceit is in the heart of them that imagine evil. The wicked shall be filled with mischief. The heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness.


In April of 1994, I turned on the news. People in Rwanda, Africa were killing each other again. Whatever. I was so tired of hearing of how ethnic groups were killing other ethnic groups here and there through out the world. Bosnia, Somalia, other places I did not care enough any more to learn about or remember the names.

How stupid they are. I ignorantly thought. It was after that horrible event in Somalia when we sent in our troops to try to deliver food to the starving, and they were brutally murdered.

Is it worth the effort? I thought, as I changed the channel, to tired of such filth to care.

Fifteen years later, when I was trying to understand how the man I loved more than anything in the world was so easily converted to cruelty, I found myself looking back to the propaganda used to provoke those horrible events in Africa, Eastern Europe, and through history to understand the cruelty I found in my own sheltered, American home. I discovered things are not so simple.

I discovered a Universal Rhetoric of Hate, a Universal Logic, used to promote hate throughout the world. The same pattern of logic in that annoying primitive country, was used in my own home to justify cruelties.

I intimately became familiar with the ugly pattern that was once so unbelievable.

The pattern was so far off from my own upbringing, I could not comprehend it's existence. It seemed so comic book evil, and too absurd to believe people could listen to it.

But, all the great genocides, ethic cleansing , holocausts, rapes, gangs, murders, white supremacist, black supremacist, anti Jew groups, anti Islam groups, anti human groups, domestic abusers, subscribe to the same logic pattern of hate.

What is the pattern?

What is the flow of logic used to immunize an individual against love and compassion?

What is the logic used to convert seemingly normal individuals in to functional sociopaths?

What happens in an individual's that makes them vulnerable to this rhetoric?

What can be taught to immunize an individual against this powerful logic?

What can be taught to subscribers of this powerful hate rhetoric to bring peace to the earth?

What can I teach my children to prevent them from perpetuating the foundations of the Rhetoric of Hate?

Natalie Fleming June 8, 2009

The Rhetoric of Hate
The basis for the Universal Rhetoric of Hate is the illusion and fear of  loss of power to another group or individual.

Terms


Target Group or Target Individual (TGTI) Every member, of every age and gender of the Group is the target of hate. The Target Group or Individual can be a spouse, an in-law, a rival gang, an ethnic group, a race, a faith, or a nationality.


To illustrate how absurd the principles are we will use TG as an example. To clarify the TG is just simple people who want to exist, but this sample propaganda will teach you to hate the TG.


Group Agency or Individual Agency: (Agency) Ability of a group or individual to exist, live, work, think, pursue happiness, reproduce, provide for family or self, make independent choices, and pursue ideals.


Standard Claims of Universal Hate Rhetoric:


Remember, these are all lies to induce hatred.


1. There is no Personal Power or Group Agency or Individual Agency (GAIA). Any Group or Individual may seek power over your thoughts words, actions, identity and life.


2. The TG are actively be seeking the subjugation of your Group or Individual Agency and is the sole purpose of all the thoughts words and actions of the TG (remember the example target group).


3. Every member of the TG of every age and gender is knowingly and intently pursuing your Subjugation.


4. The TG have various methods of overcoming your Group or Individual Agency.


5. The TG are inferior.


6. All action and or status that is detrimental to yourself or your group done by the TG are intentional to fulfill the purpose of eliminating or subjugating your group.


7. All actions that seem kind or good, affectionate, or harmless to the ignorant eye, are merely ways in which the TG seduce, weaken, manipulate and subjugate your group.


8. All Sex and Reproduction is used by the TG for the sole purpose of controlling you, seducing you, infiltrating, overcoming by population, and polluting the genetic code of your group.


9. Any condition that exists that is undesirable or detrimental to you, is the result of the intentional actions of the TG.


10. Because all pretended good and actions by the TG are of evil manipulative intent, the TG are not worthy of gratitude, kindness or mercy.


11. All obvious attempts to withstand you and your teachings by the TG, is an attempt to overcome your Agency.


12. The TG must be destroyed, eliminated, or subjugated in order for you or your group to have Agency.


13. Every organization, thought, home, institution, faith and work of the TG must be destroyed or you and your group will be destroyed.


14. The Current Generation of the TG is responsible for the actions of Prior Generations.


15. Any kindness, gratitude, concessions, mercy or aid given to the TG enables the TG to fulfill their evil purpose.


16. Anyone who sympathizes with the TG is a Puppet of the TG.


What are the consequences to the Believers of the Rhetoric of Hate?


Once this Rhetoric is embraced by an individual or group, every and all action by the Target Group, kind, good, bad, neutral will provoke the Individual or Group.


Kindness provokes.


Withstanding provokes.


Existing provokes.


Self defense provokes.


Once the Rhetoric of Hate is established and solidified, time can do nothing but escalate the hostility toward the Target Group (TG) until the inhalation of the Target Group or intervention.

The Ten Hutu Commandments

How do each of these Commandments reflect the Standard Claims of the Rhetoric of Hate

Once these commandments were established in the hearts and minds of the Hutu people, the Hutu leaders spread propaganda over the radios declaring the evil of the Tutsi minority continuously.

The circular logic of Hate Rhetoric ensnared the hearts and minds of the Hutu. All good that a Tutsi minority did provoked them. Withstanding the Hutu provoked the Hutu. Merely existing provoked the Hutu.

In April of 1994 and the following month, violence exploded and the Hutu population slaughtered over 800,000 Tutsi men women and children by machete.

The Hutu Ten Commandments

(Claim 3, 8, 16)
1. Every Hutu should know that a Tutsi woman, whoever she is, works for the interest of her Tutsi ethnic group. As a result, we shall consider a traitor any Hutu who

marries a Tutsi woman
befriends a Tutsi woman
employs a Tutsi woman as a secretary or a concubine.

(Claim 5)
2. Every Hutu should know that our Hutu daughters are more suitable and conscientious in their role as woman, wife and mother of the family. Are they not beautiful, good secretaries and more honest?

3. Hutu women, be vigilant and try to bring your husbands, brothers and sons back to reason.

(Claim 7, 10, 13, 15, 16)
4. Every Hutu should know that every Tutsi is dishonest in business. His only aim is the supremacy of his ethnic group. As a result, any Hutu who does the following is a traitor:

makes a partnership with Tutsi in business
invests his money or the government's money in a Tutsi enterprise
lends or borrows money from a Tutsi
gives favours to Tutsi in business (obtaining import licenses, bank loans, construction sites, public markets, etc.).

(Claim 4, 7)
5. All strategic positions, political, administrative, economic, military and security should be entrusted only to Hutu.

(Claim 7)
6. The education sector (school pupils, students, teachers) must be majority Hutu.

(Claim 1)
7. The Rwandan Armed Forces should be exclusively Hutu. The experience of the October 1990 war has taught us a lesson. No member of the military shall marry a Tutsi.

(Claim 10)
8. The Hutu should stop having mercy on the Tutsi.

(Claim 2)
9. The Hutu, wherever they are, must have unity and solidarity and be concerned with the fate of their Hutu brothers.

The Hutu inside and outside Rwanda must constantly look for friends and allies for the Hutu cause, starting with their Hutu brothers.
They must constantly counteract Tutsi propaganda.
The Hutu must be firm and vigilant against their common Tutsi enemy.

(Claim 14)
10. The Social Revolution of 1959, the Referendum of 1961, and the Hutu Ideology, must be taught to every Hutu at every level. Every Hutu must spread this ideology widely. Any Hutu who persecutes his brother Hutu for having read, spread, and taught this ideology is a traitor.

The End of an Era, The Beginning of a New Era

August 13, 2001 my second sons first day of Kindergarten. One month before the fall of the Twin Towers.

It was to be the end of many long hardships, and the beginning of a better life.

Mathew, my husband finally graduated saith a Master's degree in International Business eight months prior. He was working for division of Intel.

The years of hardships we faced bravely as a family while Mathew attended college were finally over.

We could finally buy a home, decide where to live. After Mathew worked hard enough to secure his position at work, we could finally focus on our families needs.

I learned that when I forgave my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I sacrificed for my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I faced hardships for his goals, my love for him grew.

I felt blessed to be married to the man I knew without any doubt I was meant to be with.

We had 3 5/9 beautiful children. I was worried about the little girl I was pregnant with, but her tests came back okay for disabilities. I knew she was still at risk for mental delays and learning disabilities, but I tried to keep a positive attitude.

My husband was struggling with his relationships at work. I knew he was unhappy, and I knew why.

He was a very driven man who set out boldly to accomplish anything he set his mind to. I learned not to ever get in his way, and supported him whole heartedly. I delighted in watching him progress and reach his goals.

But at the same time I felt jealous. He didn't always worry about how his goals affected his family. His pursuits often left us at the side. I tried to make the burden of a family easy on him and a joyful for him as possible.

He was at a turn in the road. A turn I knew was coming. I knew that focusing on career would not bring him happiness and peace.

I knew that true happiness came from intimately loving and serving your family.

We had obvious problems in our relationship. But he didn't think he had the time to work on it.

I knew that after graduating and starting his career he would come to a turning point where he would realize that his career wasn't the source of joy or peace.

Yes his career finally provided. Many men drive for UPS or garbage trucks and still are happy because they take the time for their family.

International business was a hard worked for goal, it would provide well and reward us for the many hardships we faced.

But ultimately it is sacred family relationships that bring true happiness.

Mathew didn't like to be told what to do. Duh, he's a man. So I waited. I trusted completely the process of experience.

I knew without any doubt, he would come to realize his career wasn't the ultimate source of joy and happiness.

I knew without any doubt, that after Mathew realized that, the most obvious response would be to focus on what brings joy, his family.

All the years I watched his zealous work at school, I knew that once he brought that same passion to work on our relationships and his relationships with his children, it would be beautiful.

I used to think, if he only put a fifth of the effort into his family that he put into his career, how much happiness we would have.

But I also knew, he had to decide this on his own. He was always worried about being controlled. He was so sensitive to it.

It just had to be his realization, his choice.

I yearned for his love, for his gratitude, for him to take me in his arms and thank me for all the sacrifices, the hard times, the tenacity, to feel his complete love for me and the children.

I knew a turning point was coming. I did my best to stand by him and be patient and offer him all my love.

At the same time, I was so tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. He dove right into work as soon as he graduated.

We didn't have time to even find a home yet. We were back living with family in California. We had his signing bonus in the bank, a baby coming, several things to settle.

I hadn't had a break in years. Because of his hard work, he didn't have much time to help at home. I was so tired. I knew it would be a while before we could relax and celebrate a little. Take a real vacation.

The first week of September he decide to take a break. No not together. He wanted to go fishing for a week with the men in his family.

I felt hurt, but I knew he needed the break. I knew he needed time with his family. Although I knew there was at least one family member that scared me with his ability to reach people to hate, I had trust in my husbands strength.

I could see the crisis growing in his heart. I knew he had to face it. I knew it had to be his decision.

I had to trust him to be strong enough and wise enough to pass through it. I had to let it happen.

He got up early in the morning to leave to his fishing trip. He kissed the sleeping children with a sad troubled look on his face.

At the door, he kissed me and told me he loved me. I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt a little scared inside. But I knew I had to let him go on the trip.

As I watched the car drive out of the coul de sac, something in my heart tore. Would the man I loved come back? Was that the last time I would see my dear husband?

I shook it off. Decided to be brave, and prepared for the children to wake.

Mormon Elder Richard G. Scott

One of my favorite quotes regarding abusers.

First of all Brother Scott has such a soothing voice, he puts me to sleep every general Conference. Not only do I usually miss his speech, but the next speaker too. So I just read his talks afterward. The problem with reading his talks... I hear his voice while I read it, and I still have to fight sleepiness. I wish he would just come to my home and read to my children to put them to bed at night!

"As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive the abuser and even have feelings of sorrow for him or her. When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of the pain and heartache that Satan wants in your life by encouraging you to hate the abuser. As a result, you will enjoy greater peace. While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior's healing power in your own life.1

"If you are currently being abused or have been in the past, find the courage to seek help. You may have been severely threatened or caused to fear so that you would not reveal the abuse. Have the courage to act now. Seek the support of someone you can trust. Your bishop or stake president can give you valuable counsel and help you with the civil authorities. Explain how you have been abused and identify who has done it. Ask for protection. Your action may help others avoid becoming innocent victims, with the consequent suffering. Get help now. Do not fearfor fear is a tool Satan will use to keep you suffering. The Lord will help you, but you must reach out for that help."

"Do not be discouraged if initially a bishop hesitates when you identify an abuser. Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts. Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help. That support will come. Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. Your preoccupation with a need for justice only slows your healing and allows the perpetrator to continue his abusive control. Therefore you should leave punishment for the diabolic acts of abuse to civil and Church authorities."

"To the Perpetrator

Now, to the perpetrator who has shattered the life of another by abuse: recognize that you need help with your addiction or it will destroy you. You will not overcome it by yourself. You likely need specialized professional help. I plead with you to seek to be rescued now. You likely have deceived yourself in the false, temporary security that you have successfully hidden your transgression from the civil or Church authorities. But know that the Lord Jesus Christ is completely aware of your sins. He has warned: Whoso shall offend one of these little ones . . . , it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 2 Know that even without action by a victim, your act of abuse will be publicly known, for Satan will expose you, then abandon you.

"Simplify your life by taking steps now to cleanse your soul from such sin and resolve the penalties they evoke. Show your desire to heal the anguish that you have caused others. Talk to your bishop or stake president. The seriousness of your acts may require you to face civil and Church discipline. But full repentance will bring the sweet relief of forgiveness, peace of conscience, and a renewed life. It will also bring relief to the abused and their families. You will be free of the weight of remorse and the accusing thoughts of what you have caused in grief and anguish in another's life. Recognize that it is much easier to repent in this life than it will be in the next, so repent now. You will be helped when you decide to be freed from your addiction through repentance and the support of others. Be grateful that you didn't live anciently when abusers were stoned to death without the opportunity for repentance.

September 11, 2001

Sunday night September 9, 2001

Six months pregnant, I felt so tired. My husband Mathew didn't have much time to help me in the home with our three children.

I wasn't prepared for the pregnancy. I knew I should of had surgery before the pregnancy, but I tried to exercise as much as I could by walking. I knew to much would put the baby and I at risk.

I was just trying to be strong.

My husband came home from a week long fishing trip with the men. I missed him so much. But I tried not to be to needy when he came home, because I knew that would annoy him.

I will never forget the way he looked at me when he saw me.

I saw fear, stoic anger, betrayal, fierce condemnation in his eyes as he glared at me.

I had no idea why he was angry.

As we went to bed, he turned to speak to me. He used short confusing sentences.

He was upset that I was pregnant. He was angry. He told me he was unhappy with what I had done. He told me he had been patient with me. He said he wasn't going to ask for a divorce quite yet. But I needed to get my act together.

He realized that I was the cause of all the unhappiness he felt in his life.

I sat there stunned. What was he angry about? He was upset about the pregnancy? What did he mean by that? Was he upset with himself for getting me pregnant? What was I doing wrong? I felt distant from myself and him, not understanding.

He expressed his anger without explaining anything. I was afraid if I asked any questions he would get angry at my ignorance. I was still worried about the baby.

On March 10, earlier that year, I told him that if we got pregnant our child would be at risk. After he ignored my warnings and we got pregnant, I felt it would be offensive to remind him. I had gone through the first half of the pregnancy terrified of the consequences, but dealt with it silently. Earlier I decided not to say anything about it ever again, even if our child had disabilities. I had decided to forgive him of the ultimate offense.

My mind was spinning. I had every right to be angry with him for the pregnancy, but I forgave him. Why did he feel the need to punish me? To reprimand me.

I was petrified and very, very confused.

Monday September 10, 2001, he was short, stoic and cold to the children an I. We went through the day mechanically.

As I pondered what was going on, trying to understand, I thought of how little time he spent with us. How little effort he spent on his relationships with the children and I. I thought of how much happier he would be if he worked at our relationship.

I remembered how my sister lived in the Bay Area during the great earthquake of 1989 in California. I pondered on how it woke everyone up to stop and look at their families and loved ones and to care for them.

How convenient it would be if the timing for our own family crisis could be timed in such a way that it would wake up my husband to the needs of his family. To stop thinking about just himself.

Tuesday September 11, 2001

Mathew took our oldest son to school after I prepared the children. He came home in a panic and we turned on the news.

We watched stunned and horrified as the second plane crashed into the World Trade Center.

I m trapped, I can't leave you and the children now. The world is falling apart. I m trapped. Mathew said. He sat on the couch with his head in his hands.

Not quite what I was expecting. On Mathew's part or God's part.

The next few days were awash with emotion and confusion as I processed what was happening in the world. What was happening in my world.

Friday night, September 14, 2001, Mathew asked me to go with him on a drive. I got into our little old Toyota Camry, he drove around, then stopped at a local park. It was dark as we walked on the paths and park lawn.

We sat down in front of a baseball diamond and watched men play ball.

My mind was a complete blur while he spoke.

Here is what I can remember of it.

He said I was a complete disappointment to him.

That it was wrong for be to be pregnant, but that he wasn't a jerk, he would stay with me until the child was born.

I sat there with my hand on my swollen belly, feeling her.

He said he understood that everything I did was to manipulate him. That this pregnancy was to trap him into marriage. I couldn't quite grasp that.

He said he never loved me and our marriage was a mistake.

He related the things I done in the past that had seemed like were kind and loving, but they weren t. Everything I had ever done that was kind, affectionate and loving was just to trap him and control him.

He told me my religious faith was just to control him. My faith taught me to forgive him, and I did a hundred times over. My faith taught that the Lord gives us our entire lifetime to overcome our weaknesses. So I sought to give him his lifetime to overcome those things he did that hurt me. My faith taught me that God loved me and him also individually. My faith taught me that I could pray and ask God for help and guidance, and that he could too.

Mathew frequently asked me to do things that were difficult. Each time I prayed to God and asked if I should support him in his pursuits. Each time the Lord responded that I should. My faith in God gave me faith in my husband.

I trusted in the Lord continually. And that trust led me to trust in my husband. Why do we trust?

He asked me where I wanted to live, California, Utah, or Idaho? I asked him where he wanted me to be. He said Idaho because his family was there. So I agreed to go to Idaho.

We had spent years in poverty while he attended school. Now he finally had a good job. All those times he promised me the hardships were for our future together, for our family.

I told him that I loved him, that I wanted to save our marriage. So he lectured me on my body, on the condition of our home, what he believed I should have done to save our marriage.

I sat there stunned and in total emotional pain, confused under the night sky.

A man walked off the baseball diamond toward us. As he approached, I recognized him from church. I still don't remember his name.

Are you okay? Do you need help? As I sat next to my husband. Something inside my heart cried out. I wondered if I should ask him for a ride home. I was taught never to ride with another man. But what should I do.

But I sat. I don't know if it was me or Mathew that said, That's all right. We re okay.

Mathew drove me home that night and we went to bed.

I had until the birth of our child to fix everything. I believed that if I was just kind enough, loving enough, no matter what he did, it would prove to him that my love for him was genuine, not faked, and not to control.

I looked back on how we met. On how loving him made me feel complete.

By Mormon Doctrine, we believe that families are forever, if you live worthy. Mathew and I were married in the temple, that meant that we would be together forever. It gave me an incentive to forgive him so many times and to overlook the small things.

I knew that because we were married in the temple, our covenants were not to each other, but to God.

My covenant to love Mathew was to God, and thus I could not make it conditional on his behavior.

Love is a choice, we choose to love by our thoughts words and actions.

The sealing to spouse and children is dependent upon the keeping of that covenant. If one spouse breaks that covenant and chooses not to love and serve faithfully, the remaining parent is still sealed to the children.

As long as I continued to choose to love him, and do everything I could, my children would
still be seal to me for eternity no matter what he chose.

But I believed that if he didn't keep his most sacred covenant to love and protect his wife and children, he would not only be cut off from me, but the children.

God's custody issues are a little simpler and a little more all knowing.

The thought of eternity without him ripped me up inside.

I felt that Mathew never really spent enough time with the children and I to know what he was giving up.

I was and am a woman of great faith.

I knew our family was and is sacred.

I knew that anything I asked of God, that was honorable, he would do on my behalf, and the behalf of my family and children.

I was determined that with the Lord's help our marriage could be saved.

I never doubted it.

I was scared, heartbroken and overwhelmed. But I would be kind enough to prove my love, to prove it was real an not some manipulation.

I couldn't let my husband destroy our precious family for things that were not even true.

What I didn't know, was that this hate rhetoric Mathew came home with was older than time itself.

That most the great wars, death and destruction was fueled by it.

That Jesus Christ himself was crucified by the same rhetoric.

I didn't know that once someone is convinced you only do good to manipulate, the destructive enslaving circular logic ensnares the believer.

I didn't know that the more I served him, the more he would believe I was manipulative.

The believer in manipulation will valiantly retaliate against kindness and love.

I didn't know that once I chose to fight back it would only serve to prove I was manipulative.

With this rhetoric, the more valiant someone is, the more manipulative they are in the eye of the beholder.

This believe destroys all love, compassion, mercy, tenderness and humanity in the believer.

And the believer in this Universal Rhetoric of Hate actually thinks they are valiant as they withhold compassion.

I didn't know.