Sunday, November 29, 2009

Internal Control vs. External Control

Okay, I know you may think it’s a stretch to relate this to domestic violence...

But, this illustrates how someone or something physically powerful and openly in control and dominating can be deceived into believing someone small in comparison can have power over them.

Once one believes others can control them, they develop an irrational idea of how they are being controlled.

The abuser generally believes that every desire of the abused is to control him.

For the abuser to  belief that someone else is trying to control him can be insanely unrealistic.

Some abusers take it to such an extreme that they believing the other must be wiped out in order for them to attain free will.

Let’s take one obvious target of Universal Rhetoric of Hate are the Muslims vs. Jews to illustrate this point.

The Jewish, Israeli/Islamic conflict is a great example of provocations leading  to violence and hate.

In the Islamic culture, it is sometimes believed that  others can control them, and this idea limit their free will debilitates the individual.

There are 25 million hits sites on the web  mistakenly believing  the Jews are covertly taking over the world for Jewish control.

Hitler’s notorious Mein Kampf is filled with meandering, run on sentences explaining just how the Jews are secretly trying to control the world, and the necessity to wipe out the Jews.

Today there are many sources of Anti-Semite propaganda.

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently declared,

“Anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation's fury”

“As the Imam said, Israel must be wiped off the map.”

“The fighting in Palestine is a war between the (whole) Islamic nation and the world of arrogance, ... Today, Palestinians are representing the Islamic nation against arrogance.”

We hear from the Islamic world that Jews are secretly trying to take over the world.

And yet openly who is in control?

I am not an expert on the Islamic-Jewish/Israeli conflict, but here are a few simple facts.

Pop of Iran: 72,000,000

Pop of Israel: 6,500,000

Iran has 11 times the number of people under their control.

Area of Iran 1,600,000 sq. km

Area of Israel 20,330 sq. km

Iran has 80 times the land mass under their control.

Number of Nations openly under Islamic control: 50

Number of Nations openly under Jewish control: 1

Area of Land mass openly under Islamic control: 29,000,000 sq. km

Area of Land mass openly under Jewish control: 20,330 sq. km

Islamic countries control 1300 times the amount of land mass over the Jews.

Worldwide Muslim population, 1,600 million

Worldwide Jewish population 13 million

There are 123 times more Muslims than Jews in the world.

And yet you can find many sites explaining the threat of Jews trying to covertly control the World.

Many Muslims are taught when small that Jews are the cause of all their hardships and therefore need to be wiped off the face of the earth in order for Islam to flourish.

If the Islamic Nations want to be truly powerful,

they would show this generosity as it is the ultimate sign of power,

Why can’t the Islamic nations allow the tiny Jewish population to exist?

Why can’t the great Islamic nations allow tiny Israel to exist, I ask again?

Underneath their power, they are afraid to be generous?

Abusive relationships experience the same phenomenon.

Abusive husbands in this situation must dominate every aspect of their wife.

And the is afraid even the slightest sign of strength or independence of the wife, claims she is breathing for the sole purpose of controlling him.

He must demand absolute domination to the point of erasing her personal identity.  He is choosing security over a healthy happy relationship.  If left unchecked, this can lead to the elimination of the wives identity.  Just as the conflict between the Muslims and the Jews could lead to the eradication of the Jews as a whole.

The Universal Rhetoric of Hate, works in the Macro and Micro social systems and is based on fear.  Fear of the God given agency every human being is given.

It is interesting to ot that  within the Islamic Nation the fear of even the beauty of women is so great, women must be veiled.

External Control is less efficient and more harmful than  Internal Control.

Industrious accomplishments thrive in the small nation of Israel.

This strength is due in part by being forced to survive and hold on to their identity with such fierce opposition. prosperous farms in such an arid nation.

Israel as a prosperous country is a great example of inner control. They amaze me.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Why Abusers Abuse

The Universal Rhetoric of Hate Applied to Marriage

Here is an example of how the false belief system of Hate logic, is applied the heart of a husband to provoke him to anger against his wife.

The source of these ideas are the words of abusers.  Individual Abusers will not necessarily believe all of these statements, but will believe many of them. These come from statements abusers make to the abused and to the children.

These statements and beliefs are parallel to openly declared beliefs demonstrated in hate propaganda, such as The Hutu Ten Commandments,  Mein Kampf, "The Jews and their Lies", Black Liberation Theology.  You can substitute "Your wife" for Jew, Whitey, Blacky, Serb, Tutsi, Crip, or Blood.

I endured many of these accusations for years.  It was not until my Daughter came home from court ordered visitation from Dad's and declared that Dad says, "When mommy does good, it's because she has bad purposes.  Mom's heart is bad, and she can't do good.  A good fruit cannot come from a bad tree." That I was provoked to write these out.

The Hutu of Rwanda declared the same of the Tutsi and added the barbaric phrase, "Cut the trees down."

I would not believe that anyone could say or believe these things unless I heard them myself, and read them in hate media. I used to be the ultimate submissive wife, turning the other cheek, believing 'If I could just prove my sincerity to him."  Refusing to revile against the reviler.   But this Hate rhetoric effectively immunizes the abuser/hater against gentle loving responses taught by the Savior.

In my ignorance, for years I believed that this behavior was unique to my husband.  That no one in the world could understand what I was going through.  That I was alone.  Since then, I've spoken to many women who've experienced the same destructive belief system.  DV books explained it.  And then of course I came across a tiny tidbit of race hate propaganda,  and my eyes were opened to the pervasive nature of the script.

This rhetoric goes against the most basic principles of the Universal Rhetoric of Love taught by many faiths.  A child raised up understanding their true power of free will cannot be seduced by this hateful rhetoric.

The abuser believes that the abused can and does exercises power over them.  Power that must be overcome.

This belief system is saturated in every hate propaganda known to man. For centuries this belief system has filled the earth with violence and hate.

In Domestic Violence, just as in ethnocentric hate, the abuser creates a false reality of who his companion is.   Instead of focusing on purifying his own intentions. actions, and consequences, he focuses on his false beliefs of her intentions. He believes he can read her mind and determine the corrupt intentions of her kind acts.   Because in his mind, she is of course, "acting" anyway.   He can then go after her without any remorse or shame.  And feel a sense of vindication and rejoice in his actions.

This perverse belief system itself provokes the abuser to hatred without any wrong doing on the part of the abused. 

The conversion of a man or woman from the dominant feelings of love and affection, to the URH may be gradual.

These are not assumed beliefs, but boldly declared beliefs of abusers.

The first statement is a false premise that must exist in order for the following to be believed, and not a statement openly declared.
  • You have no Personal Power or Free Will.
  • Your wife is trying to control you.
  • Your wife may seek power over your thoughts words, actions, identity and life.
  • Controlling you is the sole purpose of all the thoughts words and actions of your wife.
  • Your wife has various methods of controlling you.
  • Your wife is inferior.
  • All action and or status that is detrimental to yourself or you done by your wife is intentional to fulfill the purpose of controlling.
  • All actions that seem kind, good, or affectionate, are ways in which your wife seduces, weakens and controls you.
  • All sex, intimacy and reproduction is used by your wife for the sole purpose of controlling you, seducing you, overcoming you.
  • Your wife wants to have children just to control you, and trap you.
  • Your wife's religious faith is false, her pretended beliefs for the sole purpose of controlling you.
  • Any "sacrifice" your wife made for you was just to ingratiate you into her control.  It is evidence of her extreme perverse desire for domination and control.
  • Any condition that exists that is undesirable or detrimental to you, is the result of the intentional actions of your wife.
  • Because all pretended good and actions by your wife is of evil manipulative intent, your wife is not worthy of gratitude, kindness or mercy.
  • All obvious attempts to withstand you and your teachings by your wife, is an attempt to control you.
  • Your wife must be eliminated or subjugated in order for you or you to have Free Will.
  • Every organization, thought, home, belief, institution, faith and work of your wife must be eliminated or you will be controlled.
  • Any kindness, gratitude, concessions, mercy or aid given to your wife enables your wife to fulfill her controlling purpose.
  • Anyone who sympathizes with your wife is a Puppet of your wife.
  • God is against your wife.
  • Your wife is ruled by the Devil
  • All actions against your wife are Justified
  • Peace talk is just to sedate you while your wife controls you.
  • Any appeal to authorities for aid by your wife, is just to control you and blackmail you into her control.

Once these beliefs are secured in the heart of the husband, he feels betrayed, hurt, and anger.   All trust and love is eliminated from his heart.

His wife is left without any means of proving her love and loyalty for him.  She has no means of redemption.

He will act out in violence, legal, and illegal against her.  He will justify and escalate sexual abuse, because he believes she's using sex to control him.

His hostile actions will eventually force her to take action to defend herself.  Yet, any attempt on her part to verbally, legally, physically defend herself is seen as evidence of her corrupt nature.

Now, every condition that exists in their marriage, good or evil, is proof of her corruption.

The husband will look back on their years and experiences together, remembering each sweet moment and "realize" that all those seemingly kind actions really had evil intent.

Every tender memory will be rewritten with corrupt intent.

She is usually left confused, heartbroken, and helplessly endlessly, futilely trying to prove herself to him.  By the time she finally stands up to him, standing up to him will bring her own personal crucifixion.

Every kind act on her part will provoke him.

Every word she speaks will provoke him.

Every glance will provoke him.

He will feel strong, just, righteous, and proud for any and all cruel actions he takes against her.

He is able to write her off completely as a human being.

He is filled with every emotion and belief the Devil himself delights in.

He can take her every emotion, action and being and write IT off.

All her hopes, dreams, love, sacrifices, fidelity, hardships, identity, tender memories, are violently raped from her.

No matter what he does to her, he can sleep peacefully at night with a justified conscience.

He will then sit the children down, and teach the children about the true motives of their mother.

There is no more thorough rape of a soul than this.

If indeed Lucifer exists.  These are his most precious teachings.

In stark contrast, the belief system taught by Jesus Christ and Peacable Teachers lead to
  • Love
  • Faith
  • Redemption
  • Hope
  • Unity
  • Fidelity in Marriage
  • Tenderness
  • Forgiveness
  • Compassion
  • Mercy
  • Personal Accountability
  • Awareness of ones free will
  • Personal Strength
  • A focus on the intentions of ones own heart and mind
  • A desire to reach out and lift those who fail.

Children of Abuse

Two years ago, in the fall of 2006 I suffered a complete mental breakdown. I laid in bed for weeks crying. I got up to take care of my children, sent them to school, fell back down and cried.

It was one of those moments in time where all the horrible events of ones life converge into a single painful climax.

My daughter, then 4 years old was diagnosed with low functioning Autism. It was a sick reminder to me of the abuse I had suffered before, during and after my pregnancy with her. I tolerated abuse, and my children suffered for it.

I had warned my husband Mathew, in March of 2001 of the risk of birth defects due to my medication. He ignored me, refused to allow protection, and raped me. I once again forgave him silently and went on as usual, trying to make the best of things. On September 14, 2001, while I was six months pregnant, Mathew told me he was angry that I was pregnant. That he was leaving me as soon as the baby was born. Mathew told me I was to fat, and had to loose weight. Mathew told said he saw our pregnancy as just a manipulation to trap him into marriage. This was our fourth child!

I did not remind Mathew that if we were very very lucky, our child would only have learning disabilities. Mathew had come to believe that when I was kind, when I turned the other cheek, when I did what he asked, I was simply manipulating him. Everything was control and manipulation to him.

I was a afraid that if I told him about our child's disabilities, he would reject her. He would tell me that it was just another manipulation made up to trap him. If she only suffered from learning disabilities, it would be best for him not to know, until after he fell in love with her. I did not want my daughter to suffer from being rejected by her father. Every little girl, even those with fathers in prison, needs to believe, even if it’s just an illusion, every little girl needs to believe her father loves her.

He stayed until her birth, mentally abused me until I could barely function, rejected her, then left. But in court he pretended to have a relationship with her, and sought custody of her with the other children. That was my fault though.

Just before our daughter turned 2,  I was under the false impression that the Statute of Limitations in California where the rape took place, was coming up. It was a difficult decision, but I wanted peace so badly, I wanted my husband to repent and fix our family. I could not bear the thought of pressing charges. I took the evidence of the rape, placed them away in a drawer. I wrote a long letter to Mathew’s family explaining the rape and the events and gently as I could and sent it to the family members.

Mathew’s oldest brother, one I though I respected, told me he would not read the letter, and sent it off to his other brother, who is known for his cruelty, sarcasm and mean spirit. His other brother of course sent me a scathing mocking email.

By the time the reply came to me it was too late. I had to live with the decision I made.

But now, in the fall of 2006, years after putting it all behind me, it all came back. The real consequences of the abuse. I came across a study correlating trauma during pregnancy to Autism. Apparently the stress hormones aren’t too good for developing babies, and doubles the rate of Autism. Imagine that. Unborn babies do suffer when their mother suffers.

My daughter was diagnosed and...

I also discovered that I was wrong about the statute of limitations for spousal rape in California.

California passed a bill, extending the statute of limitations for spousal rape to 6 years.

Suddenly, a decision I put away so I could live as a sane woman, was dumped on my lap with a sick overwhelming force. Once again, I had to decide once again.

Friday, November 27, 2009

If He doesn’t listen to you when you are Vertical, He will not listen to you when you are Horizontal.

In the year after the No-Contact order expired and his probation ended, things were touchy.   I felt very nervous and uptight around him.   While he seemed he wanted to be friendly, then unfriendly at moments, I had finally made it to the anger stage.  An anger that took years of silenced abuse to create.  The consequences of rape were the hardest for me to temper myself over. I had to be careful around him and speaking to him, not just for my fear of him, but fear of myself.

Anyway, my son wanted to invite him to his arrow of light cub scout pack meeting.  I took a deep breath, and sent the invite text.   His father chose to come.

It was an evening of difficult self control.   He and our children sat around one of the round tables to eat the desert, and the children chatted.

I look at my children sitting around the table, took a deep breath and forced myself to eat dessert.

As we politely chatted, the subject of D's cruel first grade teacher Mrs Haynes came up.  Okay that's a huge story that leads in countless painful directions.   I took a deep breath,  self control.   It was either my son or his father that mentioned Mrs Haynes as his "second" grade teacher.

Now as the mother who biked her son to school every morning,  and attended every parent teacher conference, called the school and teacher frequently when issues came up, I couldn't help myself.

"Mrs Haynes was his first grade teacher."  I said, knowing it would be rude to correct.

Looking at me with a commanding air, "No Mrs. Haynes was his second grade teacher."  His father said.

Something inside of me said to not let him "put me in my ignorant place" and disregard my experience.

"Have confidence in yourself and your experience"  a little voice inside me said.

"Um, no, Mrs Haynes was his first grade teacher"  I said again.

With bold punishing commanding his father said, "No Mrs. Haynes was his second grade teacher."

He had a habit of putting down every statement I made.  Here I was the one who would have known.

I looked away and sat silent for a bit.

The "friendly" chat went on.

I told myself it ignore it and go on.  Of course the thought to pull out his report card tempted me.   But I told myself to let it go.   And I tried to let it go.

A few days latter, I as I was cleaning out my sons room, and sorting through his K'nex box, a thin yellow folded paper fell out.

Okay, prior to this I had gathered all his report cards together, but some pages were missing.

Now, at that moment, I unfolded the missing yellow paper.

My son's First Grade Report Card, signed "Mrs. Haynes."

"Natalie, trust yourself, have confidence.   Know that I am God.   Know, I know the truth.  Do not let him discount you.   The truth will always be there for you.  Stand up for it."

Even when I tried to ignore the truth for the sake of peace, here the truth was jumping out again at me, refusing to be silent.

Truth has a voice of it's own.   The more you ignore it the bolder it shouts.

So, that was the vertical experience.  One of countess experiences of him discounting my view.

Another vertical experience.

I came home from the doctors office in March of 2001, after an immunization and a 1 month prescription.

Two of the ten grandchildren on his side, had serious birth defects.

One was born with a cleft pallet that required surgery.

Another was born with a hole in his heart, his diaphragm his heart started to fall through, all his digestive organs outside his belly in a sack,  3 rare syndromes, mental retardation, deafness, um, and the painful list goes on.  And I do not know the count surgeries this poor child suffered through.

I can not count the number of painful, tear filled phone calls from the child's mother I tried to be strong for.

Also, I had introduced my husband to Ricky Hall.  A 30 year old man, withered in his bed watching Disney movies.  He was born healthy, but his doctor made a mistake with a common prescription for a common childhood illness when he was 9 months old.  I remember as a child seeing him in a wheelchair in his mother's kitchen, his head hanging, his mouth hanging open drooling, hearing strange grunts.  He never walked or talked.  I remember seeing his parents care for him tenderly for over 30 years.

Yes, I've always been terrified of even prescription drugs.   For good reason.

And at the time, I needed surgery, but I hadn't the courage to speak to my husband about it yet.  I was afraid of how it would inconvenience him.   But I knew that without it any future pregnancies would be a risk for me and my child.

So back to the Vertical Experience.  Standing up, I told my husband when I returned from the doctors office, that "Considering the cocktail of drugs in my system, if I get pregnant this month, our child will have two heads."

He just walked away from me while I was talking to him.

Hurt at his lack of interest in me, I dealt with it.

I knew how to tell when I was ovulating.   We had plenty of condoms in my undie drawer next to the bed.   We would just have to be extra careful in case the meds hid the symptoms of ovulation.

Now the horizontal experience, told here with great um, well, told there.   In summary I told him I was ovulating twice, he was on top, he was stronger, and told me I was wrong.

After the trauma, I tried to deal, I was used to him discounting me, but this was too much.    I tried to forgive him and go on.

Each morning I opened that drawer to change, I saw them, talking condoms.  "you are going to have a disabled child!", "Your husband never listens to you."  "Your husband raped you and the child will pay the price."

By the second trimester, I took those talking condoms and gave them to a transient homeless couple on the street.

I tried to bury his crime.   Little did I know then, how much the truth screams to be told, to testify of itself.

Just as the Lord dropped the little yellow slip of paper into my lap, as evidence, I would be shocked by the countless was the Lord would drop the greater truth into my lap.

Until I finally came to the realization that trying to be silent would kill me physically,  spiritually, and emotionally.

If He doesn’t listen to you when you are Vertical, He will not listen to you when you are Horizontal.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Irrational Motivation to Hate

What is the core belief of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

The following are the lies told to convince you to hate the innocent.

What is the blueprint of lies used in Hate logic?

  1. Others have power of us, we have no free will.
  2. All the actions of the other spouse/individual/group/race are for the soul purpose of ruling/controlling/destroying you.
  3. You must do everything possible to resist covert methods such as seduction to control you and overt methods such as fighting you to control you.

What are the destructive, resulting, beliefs of the core lies of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

1. Because all acts of kindness are simply methods to seduce you and lull you into ignorant submission, you may
  1. Retaliate against kindness.
  2. Take advantage of kindness without guilt.
  3. Feel no gratitude.
  4. No reciprocation of kindness is morally required.
  5. Hate them for their attempt to seduce.

2. Because you believe they use sex to control you, you can use fire against fire, and feel no guilt or or shame in inflicting sexual shame or harm upon them.

3. Because of the evil intentions of the other group/individual, you make take preemptive measures to destroy them.

4. All violence against the group can be committed without shame.

5. Kindness must be punished.

6. All memories of previous kindness were really attempts on their part to seduce you into submission.

Believing in the Universal Rhetoric of Hate turns you as an individual into a functional sociopath.

These principles lead the believer of this rhetoric to the following emotions.
  1. Hate
  2. Fear
  3. Anger
  4. Malice
  5. Pride
  6. Scorn
  7. Betrayal
What are the Core fallacies of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?
  1. You cannot read the mind of others. In even attempting to interpret the actions of others, we can only apply our own motivations and intentions.
  2. People cannot control you. All true control comes from within.

What are the Consequences to the targets of this Hate Rhetoric?
  1. Spousal Rape.
  2. Domestic Violence.
  3. Gang/Tribal Warfare.
  4. War.
  5. Genocide/ Holocausts.
Because of the circular logic of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate, all actions, kind, neutral, and unkind provoke the believer into thinking they may morally commit all manner of abuses against the target of hate..

The believer in the Universal Rhetoric of hate needs no proof, and the subject of irrational hate is left with no means of redemption. All efforts to kindly prove fidelity merely prove manipulation, and all efforts of self defense prove manipulation.