Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Parenting Pivotal Moment.

The following events stay with me always, engraved into my mind, impressions of events, and what kind of mother I need to be.

Nearly a decade ago I had a tragic conversation with a Mother I loved about a child I loved.

Her teenage son was disappointing her and her husband.

In elementary school her son was in the gifted and talented program.  But now in High School he was struggling,

She and her husband were frustrated with his lack of effort.

She related everything she and her husband were doing to force their child to succeed.

What upset me the most was her tone and the feeling it gave me.  It felt horrible.   It sounded to me from her words, that her son was unhappy at school and at home.  It sounded to me that their relationship with their son was completely hostile.  It sounded to me that they had already gone to far and were past any constructive, building relationship with their child.

I warned her that teenagers loose hope easily and don't see past the dissapointing moment.

"It's not like that".  She said.  Oh those words have been mispoken by too many wives and mothers.

She asked me how to "make" her child succeed.  How to force him and punish into a good student.

I told her, her son needed to know that she and her husband loved him no matter what.  I told her that from what she was telling me, that they had almost completely destroyed their relationship with her son, and that they needed to win back love and trust.

I told her, that when her son received failing grades, that she needed to show him love.  I told her about the power of showing love in moments of failure.  I begged her to start over with her relationship with her son.

I begged her to ask her husband to stop what he was doing.  But I knew she couldn't see or understand what was happening.

But the feeling over the phone was overwhelming.   It was tragic, it was hopeless.  I begged her to see.  I tried to explain that a child succeeds when they choose to.  I told her stories of children who failed in high School to become great in College and there after.

I testified to her of how when my own son was little and failing, I tried to punish, bully and push my son when he failed miserably, and how that only destroyed him, and how I saw that my son was miserable at home and at school.  I realized I needed to change, accept him, and support him as much as possible. That I started over with my relationship with my son.  Since then, and that conversation I have seen my boy do amazing things.  His test scores are amazing, and he has a drive to accomplish HIS objectives.   He has talents that don't fit into any box.  I realized I needed to back down and show him love.

She seemed to have  the mistaken belief that failed classes in high school doom a child to a life  of failure.  That is so not true!  I loved her boy as many did.

She didn't listen.  Even as we ended the conversation I felt anger and frustration with her inability to see what she was doing, her inability to stand up to her husband, and the obvious preventable road they were on.  But even then I knew that as I was angry with her not standing up to her husband, I realized that I lacked the courage too, to stand up to mine.

Her son's  next report card, it all ended in tragedy.  I can never forget the cry my heart made the moment I heard of it.

That tragic event was in the most pivotal week of my life.  I myself was enduring the most horrible of abuses, and fearing for the future.   I gave birth in the midst of the most intense suffering imaginable to me at the time.  All the while wondering at what it all meant. Wondering about the path I was on with my own children, wondering about my husband and his actions toward our children.  Wondering if we as a family were on the same path.  At the time, it was  the most terrifying week of my life.   I strove to be brave.

The last day I was in the hospital with my newborn, I was up and pacing in my room.  A voice cried out to me, "Stand up to him, stand up for your children.  Don't let your husband do this too, to your son.  If you can't stand up for yourself, stand up for your children."

Latter that day, my husband came to pick me up from the hospital.  I was under threat.  He told me that he would leave me as soon as our child was born.  And now she was born.  I was afraid to offend, afraid that he would leave us a the slightest offense.

Once home I sat on the couch holding my newborn babe, staring into her eyes.  My son committed an offense. My husband, in his anger, sent him into the corner for 5 minutes. While in the corner, my husband stood over our son, reprimanding and lecturing, and scolding.  When our son did not stand properly, his father raged louder.  He sent our son to the garage.  Then in the garage, my husband raged loud enough to hear even more.  It went on and on.

He then send our son into our bedroom,  I sat there on the couch, wondering if my husband had crossed the line. Where was the line I was suppossed to stand up to? At what point was too far?  I waited about 45 minutes through it all.  Finally I stood up and walked to the door.  I decided I would listen, and if his words were to cruel, I would stand up.

I heard my then husband say to our 7 year old son, "If you can't live by my rules, you will have to find a new place to live."  Crushed and scared,  I opened the door.   I walked to the high bed to lean against it to keep me upright.  I held my newborn in my arms, I said, "You cannot talk that way to our son."  I was so scared.  I had never stood up to him like this before.  I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew I didn't want to do to my son, what was done to another.

He was furious.  I saw our small boy, crouched in the corner, his hands trembling over his face, crying beyond any ability to reason or understand.   How could he not see that?  How could he not know he had gone too far?

He grabbed a suitcase and said to me, "You are out of here." And he started packing clothing for me.   My other daughter came crying into the room.  And as I held my infant, my two year old daughter climbed up my leg and I held her on my hip, leaning against the couch, barely standing, literally still bleading.   Our other child ran into the hallway, crying, "Mommy don't go!  Mommy don't go!"

It was surreal.  In that moment it was though I was out of my body watching events happen.   How did I get there?  I was a faithful latter day saint woman, who was faithful to God, to her husband, and strove to live a good life.  I did everything I was supposed to do.  How was this happening?  How was my family not blessed?  How did my husband become so cruel?  How could he do this?

"I'm not going."  I said over and over again as he raged, finally he stormed out of the room  I don't know where he went or what happened after.

The voice I heard in the hospital over and over again as I paced, "You have to stand up to him for your children.  You cannot fail your children.  You cannot let him hurt your children."   Just after the tragic death of that dear boy,

Oh there is so much more.  So much that happened during the birth.

I fail as a mother in so many ways, but this I cannot do,  I cannot drive my children to suicide.  I must let them always know that I love them.

So many times I see parents struggle with their teenage boys, and I plead with the parents to show the child love.  Usually those that need to hear it the most, listen the least. 

While I couldn't bear loosing my husband I loved dearly, I understand it was necessary.  We are divorced.  I have no power over his relationship with his children.  It is completely up to him.  When I was with him, I didn't have the courage necessary to stand up to him when necessary.   And he didn't respect it anyway. But now, when my children are in my home I have the power to love them, and show them I believe in them.

People are not fixed in who they are.  They choose each and every day, as children as parents, who they will be.

Each day as a mother I try to choose what kind of mother I will be.  It's up to me, it's up to him.  As for me and my house, I will love my children.  I will strive with them in love through their weaknesses.  I will do my best.  I will love them.

How to Raise your child to become a good Liar

(Sometimes I feel a bit sarcastic, and it rages just a little)

That crazy Mormon Church I belong to teaches me that when our children are born, they come strait from the presence of God, as former angels.  It teaches us, our children are innocent with happy expectations of learning and growing through the challenges of life experiences.

Mormons don't believe in original sin.  Mormons  believe children are not born wicked, but born innocent, pure and full of love.

So, if you want to raise a Liar  and truly corrupt the child, it takes a bit of effort on the Parent's part.  So here are a few hints and tips to accomplish the task.

Remember the child came from an environment of pure unconditional love, so you have to teach them "Conditional Love",  so you are going to have to harden that heart of yours.  Knock out any feeling of empathy you may have for the child.   Let them know with out any doubt that your affections are completely dependent upon  pleasing your every whim and expectation.

Anytime you think your child may dissapoint you, let them know a head of time of your expections, and the consequences of your dissapointment.

Jesus Christ taught us to Turn the Other Cheek when offended.  The Old Testament was less pathetic, it teaches us to limit punishments to an "eye for an eye".  Apparently we are not supposed to make the punishments more than the crime. Ignore this advice at all costs!  The last thing your child can believe is that you are fair and balanced in your punishements.  Always make sure the punishment will far exceed the crime!

The child has a conscience to be silenced, if you control yourself in punish more severely than necessary and prevent the child from defending themselves verbally and physically, you can prevent them from feeling those old feelings and nature of justice instilled in every child's heart as an infant from the "Light of Christ." The child needs to see you as unjust.  The child needs to know you are not going to hear them out.   The child needs to have confidence in the fact you can't handle hearing anything that displeases you.

By instituting unbalanced punishments you can silence any feeling of loyalty they have.   Remember if you are kind and understanding, and nurture with love and respect, (damn that respect)  the child will act on their own conscience and feel guilt at any offense they give you.  You don't want the child to feel guilt for lying.

Make sure to instill as much emotional abuse as possible when displeased.  Let them know how disgusting they are, how physically unattractive they are.  No matter how skinny your daughter is, let her know she is fat.  Belittle every attempt the child makes in pleasing you.

Read the book, "The verbally abusive relationship"  Yes the book is intended to stop verbal abuse, but you know, it's got some very clear examples of how you can truly verbally and emotionally abuse your children when the need arises.

Make sure the child feels trapped without hope.

Yell as much as possible.  But just yelling isn't enough, you really have to sound like a good super villain. The movie Matilda, Eggar from Men in Black, Lex Luthor, the evil Guy in Gladiator are some of the greatest examples.  I really loved Juaquin Phoenix's amazing job portraying a realistic villain.  Much of what he says, I've heard before in person.

The child may have talents, and beauty that others appreciate, just ignore all of that.  Focus entirely on every disappointment.  Take no notice of anything they do right.  Study the child's heart and mind, know their insecurities, and prey on them as much as possible.

Make sure to destroy any sense of peace and security the child feels around you.  Walking on eggshells isn't enough.  They need to feel like they are "Walking on broken Glass." The child needs to know they are going to get cut, and bleed if they make a false step.

And don't forget, never admit to a mistake.  Don't let them think for a second you are honest with yourself.

Follow these amazing steps and you are sure to destroy the innate sense of justice, love, affection, trust, and empowerment the child came to you with.  By making lies the only way to survive a relationship with you, you too can raise a Liar.

Children are not born Liars, they are made into Liars by parenting.  That is unless they suffer serious head injuries as a child and have their frontal lobes damaged, then they will have none of the moral obstacles most children have.

How to raise an Honest Child
The truth is even if you are a good parent, all children will experiment with lying.  How you handle those situations determine how the child will or will not make lying a part of their life.  The best bet is openness and honesty.  Just make sure the child knows you love them, you have faith in them.  Make sure the child knows you can handle mistakes calmly.  Let them know you are their to help them and you are on their side.  Love is never more potent in the life of another than when they think they disappointed you, and you show love and understanding and help them through it. Let them know they hurt you in a calm voice, but that you still believe in you.  Give them hope.

You can let a child know you are unhappy with their choices without degrading behavior.  You don't have to belittle them to "discipline".  Let the child know you're not going to "freak out" at every mistake.

Make sure the child knows you believe in them.  Pray for an understanding of your child's amazing potential.  Ask God what you can do as a parent to help the child realize that potential and strive for it.  Show patience in getting there. Then pray and ask God to help your child see that same potential and seek after it.  When disappointment comes, AND IT WILL, help the child to see past it, and chalk it up as a learning experience.

Don't punish the child for every mistake YOU made at their age.

I'm not the best parent in the world.   I make lots of mistakes every day.  But I do want my kids to know I love them.  I want my kids to feel like they can talk to me when something goes wrong.  I want them to feel emotionally safe in our home.  Honestly I don't have the emotional energy to have many freak-outs.

Yes I do get frustrated, I get PMS, I do let them know when I feel frustrate in their actions.  I do try to do it in a way they understand, I try to state the problem, explain the impact  of the problem on others, ask them to improve, and ask what I can do to help them improve, and try to show them ways to fix it.  I try to do it without excessive drama.   I know my children love me and despite how it sometimes seems, they do want to please me.  They do want to achieve.  They do want to take pride in themselves.  They all want to do great things.  I know they want to do good in the lives of others.  They do care.   They want to live healthy, happy lives.

Sometimes I just look at my children and marvel at their beauty and talents.  I marvel at all they have endured.  I marvel at the greatness in each of them.   I see them pursue talents I so badly wished I had achieved.   I rejoice in their accomplishments.  I bite my tongue at my maternal paranoias.
  I take pleasure when they show they care for others.  Raising kids can be so stressfull, their are so many challenges.

I want my kids to know I love them unconditionally.   I want them to know I am willing to be there for them in their darkest hours.   I want them to see the hope and light in the darkest days.  But I know I may not always be able to be with them in those hours.  I know I have weaknesses and faults.  I may fail them.  So I want them to know that no matter what, even if I and those they trust fail them, that there is a God far greater that loves them, and seeks after their good welfare no matter what.  I want them to have their own relationship with God to get them through the times I cannot be there for them.

I fail in so many ways, but I believe in them.  I know that despite how things seem at times, they will all do great things.  I am and always will feel pride in saying, "These are my children".