I put every part of my living breathing into trying to save my first marriage. I believed in the institution of marriage to protect me and my children.
I believed the timing of a young boys death served as a personal warning for us to make our marriage work. I worked hard believing our children's very lives depended on it. Years later, after a callous comment he made, and countless incidents, I realized, instead the death was a warning of the kind of man and family he represented. But then I realized, my children's lives depended on me standing up to him. I wanted him back, pathetic yes, but I loved him. But I realized that if I couldn't stand up to him, when he was unkind or cruel to our children, or to anyone, that we should not be together for their sake.
After not personally speaking to him for two years, I was shocked by his way of thinking when we spoke again. I found him so far off key. Even more disturbing, I found myself agreeing with him in conversations, then after the conversations, I felt like I "woke up" and shook it off and was angry with myself for being so blurry minded in the moment. I didn't like the way I couldn't retain myself with him. It tore me up terribly. It was the hardest thing I never wanted to accept. When I looked at him I felt eternity. But I had to accept the reality of his cruelty.
I always though he would get better.
Now, I don't like the way he treats my children. Sometimes I feel like there is so little I can do to protect them. I try to teach them to put their faith and strength in God. He is the one who will never fail us. It's hard when you see your child hurting so much.
When our children are hurting, we as parents should be willing to put our own needs aside to help them.
The other week, a new show, "Touch" about a father with an autistic son was on television. In it the son, climbed a cell tower and sat at the top. When the father came to help him, the father was afraid of heights, but it didn't matter, he still climbed to the top to save and protect his son. As a true father he put his fears for his own protection aside to save his child.
A parent doesn't say, "I have to protect myself" when their child is in danger. Personal self sacrifice is a part of what makes parenting real. Being a real parent can really hurt at times, more than we can imagine. My children need me and will for a long time. So I live my life in such a way so I can be there for them.
In terrible dark moments, there were times I felt like giving up. But I didn't. I've always believed that our family members that are "gone" now are still with us and watch us. As powerless I've felt at times to help my children, the though of watching my children from the other side, unable to do anything to help my children as they passed through the adversities of life, was more horrible to me.
It is for them I've chosen to live. I love them with all my soul. I see amazing things in there eyes, even in their greatest adversities. Even in their greatest weaknesses I remember what they are to be when the reach their full potential, so I don't give up. I want to see them accomplish everything honorable thing God intended for them.
I have a new life now, and a new loving husband. He care about me so much. He is kind and faithful. He treats me with respect. He loves my children and hurts for them when they do. I don't have to go to the hospital alone for a child anymore. I love him. He is a good man who respects how I feel. He takes the time to listen so there are no misunderstandings. He is very patient, and I am very grateful for him.
Learning to love a man again has been terrifying. I didn't think I would ever be able to even fall asleep with man in my house ever again. But I do and I feel safe with him. For a long time I knew there were guardian angels working hard to protect me and my children. One day I grew tired and complained to God that the angels protecting me were nice, but it sure would be nice to have a guardian angel I could touch and see.
And that is who God sent, Phil.
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