Problematic Communication and Suicide

One of the most delicate conversations you will ever have, is an attempt to comfort a friend, family or loved one in the event of a Suicide.

A family suicide is one of the worst case scenarios for problematic communication.

Sigh!!

Years ago a boy I loved, a precious member of our family took his own life.

As the boy's family is LDS, and I am LDS, I pondered what to say to another family member not of our faith, who would be attending the funeral.

Because I have personally made every communication blunder possible, and the husband of the woman I wanted to write to is and was openly hostile to our faith, I thought I could best trust an article already written on the subject by the Church itself.

I found the Article by M. Russell Ballard, Suicide: Some Things We know, and Some We Do Not, insightful and intelligent.  The WHOLE POINT OF THE ARTICLE IS TO DISPEL THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE WHO COMMITS SUICIDE GOES STRAIT TO HELL.

I read over it several times as it brought me comfort.  It first exposes the harsh beliefs of those who oversimplify the delicate subject.  Then moves on to reason and intelligence and the Love and Wisdom of the Almighty.  The article pleads understanding, patience, and faith in God's grace.

“I believe the Lord will consider each case separately and judge the circumstances of each individual. I have sincerely sought direction from our Father in Heaven to help me understand the nature of suicide. And I have come to know, as well as anything else that I know from God, that these people have a place in the kingdom of our Father, and it is not one of darkness or despair, but one where they can receive comfort and experience serenity.”

And thus, I sent a link to the article to my non-LDS family member, hoping for her to have a greater understanding of how Mormons perceive the tragedy.  I was very careful to not say anything myself, but left it to the article to explain.

Instead of a response from the woman I sent the email to, her husband responded with hostility, arguing with the assumption that the article I sent declared the child was in hell.

I felt that any further attempt to straighten out the miscommunication would only make thing worse.  So for the last 14 years, those family members have hated me for it.   Lovely.  Just lovely.  Go Natalie!

But hey, the story gets even worse.  Yep.  So the mother was a dear friend that I cared for and worried about every night.  Her husband and I spoke several times on the phone over the next couple of months.  I wanted to speak words of comfort to her, but I was terrified of saying the wrong thing.  She was understandably terrible traumatized and fragile during this time.

I thought of her son, on the other side of the veil of death, watching his mother helpless to comfort her.  I felt that he would want to comfort her, but was powerless to do so.  For me, to have to watch a dear, loved one suffer, while helpless to intercede is absolute hell.  I laid awake many nights, trying to understand and find the words she needed.

Finally, I spoke with her on the phone.  I knew of her fragile state, and believed that she needed to know, that the best way for her to help her son, was to heal herself.  So I told her that I believed that her son could see her and her suffering.  I told her that I knew her son loved her dearly.  I told her that seeing her suffer so, was a hell for him.  That her healing would be healing for him.  I tried to be so careful.  For me, these are empowering words, to be reminded of the love her son had for her, that she could make a difference to comfort him even after he passed on.

What did she get from the conversation.   Her boy was in Hell.  Yep, I did it again.  Go Natalie!

So after 14 years, my kids came home from an extended family event, and asked me about this.   Yep, they got to learn from the horses mouth what a jerk I am.  Gratefully, this situation is easily explained to them.  As they too, have experienced people misunderstanding them, they understood quite easily.  I guess they get to learn from me that we are all misunderstood at seemingly the most significant moments.  I hope my loss comforts them when they too are misunderstood.  At least they can learn that.  They know that if someone doesn't want to understand, there is no way to make them understand.

I got out two pitchers of  water.  Mine was open, while the other pitcher was shut.  I demonstrated pouring my water of intelligence into the closed pitcher.  My child laughed as the water splashed everywhere.  This is what it is to try to explain something to someone who doesn't want to understand.

I then got out a teacup, and tried to pour a gallon of water from my pitcher into it.  The water spilled everywhere and made another mess.  This is what it is to try to share intelligence with someone not ready for it.

I didn't have a big water gun.  But I explained that for some people, trying to pour your water of intelligence to them,  is just to fill their water gun so they can shoot you.

Communication can only happen when both parties are willing, sincere, and capable.  It doesn't matter how much you love someone, or want them to understand you.  Thats just too bad.  They have to be capable and willing, you cannot force them to understand you. Continuing to try to communicate in these situations, just makes the situation messier, and arms them with more ammo.

We discussed different ways of dealing with people who we want to understand us, but don't.  We discussed the importance of knowing our audience, and their readiness, and willingness to understand.

Here is a link to our favorite article,   https://www.lds.org/ensign/1987/10/suicide-some-things-we-know-and-some-we-do-not?lang=eng