Wednesday, June 8, 2016

What's my Motivation?

I’ve been told over and over from you know who that I’m motivated by power and controlling people.  This was very confusing to me coming from someone who is openly, aggressively, dominating and will belittle, intimidate, show aggression to anyone who doesn’t do his will.  Especially toward me.

Alright, what’s my motivation?

As a little girl I used to sing, “When I grow up, I want to be a mother, and have a family.  One, Little, Two little, three little babies of my own.”  The ending verse is “Four little, Five little, six little babies of my own.”

As a young teen I believed my children could see me, and were watching me intently to see how I lived my life, and the life I would prepare for them.

Lots of boys tried to kiss me, but I always felt my kids were with me.  So, not  much smoochy cooperation from me.  Every boy I met, was nope, nope, and more nope.  I did get into a serious relationship with a fine young Civil Engineering student.  I don’t know if he would have called it serious.   But my kids yelled, “NOPE!”  the whole time.

My first memory as a young child was lying of the floor, having been put down for a nap in my brothers’ room.  As I laid there, I remembered something beautiful and wonderful.  I felt overwhelmed with joy, and peace, and remembrance of where I came from.  I knew that I should have forgotten by then what I then remembered.  I decided to force myself to retain a remembrance, by remembering the room and the feeling I had.  I believed that if I could do that, that I would remember what I knew I would forget in time.  Well, I now remember the room, the red door, the antlers on the door, and the feelings I had, and the intent I had.   But, I have no knowledge of just what it was I was remembering, other than it was wonderful.

As a Latter Day Saint, I believe that every child born, comes from the very presence of God our Creator, and our Heavenly Mother.  That every child born or woman, is a literal child of God with all the potential as future creators as God himself, and herself.  That we are cherished with infinite potential of being.

Every child placed in my arms gives me a sense of overwhelming awe and wonder at the beauty of creation.  Each newborn in my home, gave me the sense of being in the audience of actual angels.

In my youth, I was usually cautious of my actions, never wanting to do anything that would bring shame on my children.  I never wanted to disappoint my children or my future husband.

I felt anxious to meet my children someday.  I often said, I was number 6 of 8 kids.  So the family starts at 6 and finishes with 8.  Strange that that quote has been misquoted by someone, considering how many times I said it.

I took the finding of my children’s father seriously.  Nope, Nope, and more nope.  I didn’t believe in love at first sight, or the “only one”.  But I had a sense, that I would “know” him when I met him.   That I would just know.

I met lots of Nope, nope and more nope.  Some asked if I was gay.  I just said no.  I had good examples of fine young men that I grew up with, which set the standard even higher.

I used to brag about serving a mission as a sister missionary someday.  I would claim that someday I would be the first Sister Missionary to China, or Russia, as they were then closed.

Then one day, as I stood in the kitchen of 501 N Blaine St, in Moscow, Idaho, the claim went through my head.  A voice said, “Natalie, you will be single when you are 21, but you are not to serve a mission.  You will meet your husband while you would have served your mission.   You will go to China with your young children.  Your family will disapprove and this will be very hard for you.  But, you must go with your husband and small children to China.”

I was stunned.  But I took it into my heart and told no one.  I didn’t tell my parents that I wasn’t going to serve a mission.  They kept asking about my future mission, and I became just silent on the issue.  I didn’t know what to say.

When I turn 21 and my parents asked me about my mission papers, I finally told them, that I would not serve a mission, but I did not tell them why.   They were very disappointed and concerned.  I’m sure that they must have thought that I had fallen into sin and corruption of some sort.

As a young adult I felt very guided at times, as to where and what I should do for work, and where to live.  Other times, I felt silence, which kinda scared me.

During the time I would have served a mission, I was sitting at work one day, and I was overcome with the sense that I should go home.  Not to my apartment, or to Moscow, as I no longer had family there.  But that I should go home immediately to California where my family moved to.  I walked into  my supervisors office and gave 4 weeks notice.  I walked back to my desk, and called the apt manager, and within 10 minutes had a new tenant signed up form apt.

I packed up all my belongings, and in 4 weeks time, moved to California, a state that I will never claim.

My brother was recently returned from a mission, so I spent time with him and the other Young Adult singles.

One day I was in an LDS class with a young fellow named Scott, when he walked in.  “Matthew”  I thought. I looked at him, I knew his name, I knew his mother was dying of cancer, he was from Southern Idaho, and that of all things, he drove a Mazda.  Why a Mazda?  Whatever!

I wanted to go up to him, hug him and tell him how much I missed him.  I wanted to ask him about everything that had happened in his life.

Some one from the room called out “Matt”, and he responded.  That freaked me out.

Of course, he doesn’t actually go buy Matt, and he spells it with 1 “t”. But in that moment, it was “Matthew”.

But I looked at him and knew, we had never met before. Knowing I would absolutely freak the poor guy out, I said nothing to him at the time.

From then one, I had to play it cool, but I knew.   No man existed in my life after that. From then, until even after he left me years later.  No man existed other than him.

His mother was dying,and she provided an anchor and wisdom for him.

 I loved him with all my heart.  For the first time in my life. Yes, Absolutely Yes.

I felt relieved and at peace.  I felt I knew him forever before.

For then and the years that followed, anything he did although troubling, I felt was just one tiny, minuscule moment in a great long history of eternity.   It’s hard to get offended or angry when you feel you’ve loved someone for an eternity.

We discussed having children, I gave him my silly line, “I’m number six of eight, so the family starts at six and ends at 8.”  He said he was “more comfortable with five.”  I just assumed their would be a compromise somewhere between 5-8 children.

As we were young, and uneducated, we set out to make sure he could get his complete education so he could provide well for our family, and have piece.

The sacrifices we made as a family for his education were infinite and eternal.  We made every sacrifice possible.  We faced hardships and trials together.  We had our children in time.

When we lived in Salt Lake City, and he attended the University of Utah, a teacher encouraged him to take a scholarship from the NSEP program that would pay for him to go to China.

When he came home and told me, I knew I was required to support him.  Know that I still had NEVER told ANYONE.  Not even him.  I knew that the Lord had a great Purpose for us and our children.

I knew that it would be hard.  I knew my family would not support it, and they didn’t.  My mother still tells me that I should not have gone, and that going to China is why my husband left me.

I don’t regret it now, or ever.  I know I did what was needed.  I will never know why, and I accept that.

He left for Taipei first, and I followed with our two small/huge boys after.  Life was challenging.  We were terribly poor.  I did laundry by hand, and we faced incredible adversity.

When we returned, we had no car, no home, and no job.  He found work, bought a car, and we stayed with his kindly step father.

While in Taipei, I was concerned about our son, and prayed for guidance.  As I prayed, I  saw a beautiful little girl, who would change his life forever.  I missed her from the moment I first saw her.  I told Mathew, and we was shocked because of the adversity we faced at that time.

Eventually we had two beautiful girls, which one is her, I do not know.  But I love them terribly.   We all made sacrifices to be a family, to have a beautiful future for all of us.

I could spend days writing of the hardships we faced for him.

Every day, every moment, every second, I spent in the caring for my wonderful children and husband.  He mad mistakes, he  could be mean at times.  But I believed that as I was kind in return to any harshness that he would understand I meant him no harm, nor could I ever harm him.

He came from a broken family, and had an epically terrible father.  Anytime Mathew behaved harshly I blamed his father.  I hoped that by attending church, and living the Gospel, that he would overcome the ideas that darkened his mind, and find peace and joy in our family.

Every day I thought, and worked on helping my children and their father reach every great potential they had.  I worked to help them recognize their talents and abilities.

In September, 2001, Mathew kissed me and told me he loved me, and left fishing with his brothers for a week.  On September 9, 2001 he returned angry, and fierce.

I was in a daze and confused by his every word.  It would be years before I could ever understand.  But I’ve learned that the opposite of the Gospel teaches that people can be controlled, and that you have to protect yourself from being controlled.  While the Gospel teaches that we are free to choose, and thus we never need to fear such things.  We can prove our agency by being kind to those who are not.  We can teach others who hate, that they need not hate, by being kind to them.  But those who believe they can be controlled lash out in cruelty to protect against what they perceive as a threat.

This is why the Savior taught us to be kind to those who offend.  Because, it is so easy to convince certain people, that good people only do good in order to control. Then Satan can turn the hearts against the innocent.

These two believe systems are at war throughout the earth, and even more now, during these politically scary days.

Knowing that no one can control you, and that you are a literal child of God, gives one the strength to see the beauty in others.

The darkness of the other believe system has consumed my family and nearly destroyed my children too.  I watched darkness consume some as they were taught darkness.

As he left I was terrified for my children.  I wept for them nightly.  How could I raise them and teach them of love and devotion in this situation. How could I possibly protect them alone.  Fear for my children consumed me.  Fear for Mathew and the consequences of his cruel to him and and the children terrified me.

He became so dark and scary, and seemed to celebrate cruelty to me.  But, I could not fight back because of the deep love I had for him.  No matter how I turned the other cheek, he saw every act of kindness as aggression.  When i finally had to defend myself, he saw that as aggression.

Korihor is very real.  Korihor was a man who lived a couple of thousand years ago, that taught that loved ones only seek to control you. That faith is only to control and dominate you.  He seeded hate and the destruction of sacred relationships.

I love my children. I hurt for them.  I want them to be able to accomplish every thing that our Creators have given for them.  I see their numerous adversities and want to help them see their way through them.

I want them to know that they are literal Children of the very Beings who created the Universe itself.  That they never need to fear being controlled, but they have all power over themselves, and all power to do good in the world we are sent to.

I want them to know that they can overcome evil with good and kindness.  I want them to know that there is no need for cruelty in the world.  That good wins over evil by kindness and love.

I want them to know that sadly, sometimes they do have to fight back, but only when absolutely necessary, and only with as much measure is necessary.  That they can return again to kindness every chance they have.

I want them to know that God the Creator loves them and is watching over them.  I want them to know all of these things.

I want them to love others unconditionally without fear.  A heart that fears the myth of control can never love freely.

I want them to explore their gifts and talents, and rejoice in them.

The belief that we can be controlled, persuades all men to do evil.  It worked WWII and every other war and confrontation within the earth.

Moroni 7

“But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him...

And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.

And now, my brethren, how is it possible that ye can lay hold upon every good thing? And now I come to that faith, of which I said I would speak; and I will tell you the way whereby ye may lay hold on every good thing. 

For behold, God knowing all things, being from everlasting to everlasting, behold, he sent angels to minister unto the children of men, to make manifest concerning the coming of Christ; and in Christ there should come every good thing.
And God also declared unto prophets, by his own mouth, that Christ should come.

And behold, there were divers ways that he did manifest things unto the children of men, which were good; and all things which are good cometh of Christ; otherwise men were fallen, and there could no good thing come unto them.

Wherefore, by the ministering of angels, and by every word which proceeded forth out of the mouth of God, men began to exercise faith in Christ; and thus by faith, they did lay hold upon every good thing; and thus it was until the coming of Christ.

And after that he came men also were saved by faith in his name; and by faith, they become the sons of God. And as surely as Christ liveth he spake these words unto our fathers, saying: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men?

For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens.

And because he hath done this, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men.

For behold, they are subject unto him, to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness.

 And the office of their ministry is to call men unto repentance, and to fulfil and to do the work of the covenants of the Father, which he hath made unto the children of men, to prepare the way among the children of men, by declaring the word of Christ unto the chosen vessels of the Lord, that they may bear testimony of him.

And by so doing, the Lord God prepareth the way that the residue of men may have faith in Christ, that the Holy Ghost may have place in their hearts, according to the power thereof; and after this manner bringeth to pass the Father, the covenants which he hath made unto the children of men.

And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.

And he hath said: Repent all ye ends of the earth, and come unto me, and be baptized in my name, and have faith in me, that ye may be saved.

And now, my beloved brethren, if this be the case that these things are true which I have spoken unto you, and God will show unto you, with power and great glory at the last day, that they are true, and if they are true has the day of miracles ceased?

 Or have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he withheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved?

Behold I say unto you, Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain.

For no man can be saved, according to the words of Christ, save they shall have faith in his name; wherefore, if these things have ceased, then has faith ceased also; and awful is the state of man, for they are as though there had been no redemption made.

But behold, my beloved brethren, I judge better things of you, for I judge that ye have faith in Christ because of your meekness; for if ye have not faith in him then ye are not fit to be numbered among the people of his church.

And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?

And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.

Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.

And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.

 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

 45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”


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