Understanding Domestic Violence

Mercy vs Justice

2012-01-15T08:57:00.001-08:00

"Get the Bad Guy"

It seems so many people are so eager to "get the bad guy" movies celebrate this, as the bad guy finally gets what he deserves in the end. Video games teach you how to constantly focus on destroying the "bad guy". Our God given sense of justice and righteous retribution can become overly honed to quickly and furiously destroy the "bad guy".

Unfortunately these same dimwits, are often quick to shallow judgement, not not take the emotional time to truly listen and understand others. Eager to "get the bad guy" they bounce at their first sign of it.

How easy it is to persuade someone they are "getting the bad guy". How quick and easy it is for someone to rush to judgement and decide an innocent is guilty. And they swoop in to destroy someone, even those who are near and should be dear to them. From OWS, to gangs, even in their own homes. Dimwits overly zealous to "get the bad guy" swoop in, destroy, never knowing or accepting or taking to time to find out they are hurting the innocent, and they themselves become the "bad guy" by hurting the innocent.

After the first act of "Punishing the bad guy" Any attempt by the innocent to defend or explain themselves is beat down, because that would make the punisher face their own guilt. If the person they punished, was actually innocent then they themselves are guilty.

Any attempt to plead with the punisher only motivates them to greater cruelty.

The Crucifiers of Christ hearts were filled with the "Get the bad Guy" mentality. They actually believed they were the good guys.

That is why Christ taught what he did. Oh, I do believe in "getting the bad guy" and getting them good. But I also believe in taking the time to get it right.

"Just be Nice"

On the other far side of the "get the bad guy" spectrum is the overzealous mercy side, "Just be nice." How just being nice and bringing someone to Christ can save souls.

We've all heard and read the articles of a almost victim of a violent bad guy, says Christly things and gives the bad guy warm fuzzies, they repent and get better. But we also read of kindly Christians getting killed trying to give warm fuzzies to violent bad guys.

"Just be nice" is great until taken to the wrong extreme. "Oh he raped you, Just be nice." "Oh he threatened to kill your baby. Just be nice."

These become the people who sit back and do nothing about injustice and abuse against themselves and others.

Just as an overzealous sense of "get that bad guy" can destroy the innocent, "Just be nice" can be misused to enable abusers to rule, crush and destroy, all the while thinking they are Christlike buy being nice to the bad guy while they continue to wreak havoc. There is a time to "be nice", and their is a time to "get the bad guy".

Mercy and Justice have to balance.

Soul Eaters

2012-01-14T22:16:00.000-08:00

I used to have a relative that was sarcastic, nasty and cruel. He always seemed to know how to hurt you the deepest, and at the most delicate moments. When you felt like everything else in your life was so overwhelming, he knew just what to say to completely destroy what you had left of your soul. It was like he had his own personal line to the adversary. He never really knew how deep his cruelty went. He would then laugh, and as the butt of his joke, you were expected to laugh too, to show you were a good sport. Be careful of what you do to others, because you never know how little they have left to hold on to. His legacy continues with others he inspired. I learned sarcasm from him. It took so much for me to quit, but I did years ago. I look at him, and others like him as destroyers of souls.

How to Save Your Man and Your Marriage

2012-01-12T10:44:00.000-08:00

You know you can save him right?   And after you do he will be so grateful to you for saving him and his relationship to his children, and bringing him back to God and Family. He will love you so much more! One day he will look at you with that sweet smile.

You've managed him as an abuser to minimize his abuse and the consequence of it. Surely with God's help you can save him? Right?

Many years ago there was a man name Martin. He was a devout Christian. He was a good man. He went about preaching and bringing souls to God. He loved all mankind. Then there was one group he was devoted to saving. The family of Christ.   He befriended them, he preached to them, with hope to bring them to Christ. For many years he tried to pursuade them.

At the end of his years, after bringing so many to Christ, this single group still resisted, completely. They kept about their traditions and refused to convert.

After all those years of Martin's good works bringing souls to Christ, Martin became frustrated and bitter toward the this one group.

In his bitter anger, Martin Luthor wrote a book, "The ___ and their Lies". This book was later picked up and expanded upon in a bigger longer winded confusing book, by the most hated man of the last century, and lead to the Holocaust and the deaths of millions in many countries.

The man who sought to save souls, became the seed of the greatest suffering of the last century.

Christ saves, you don't. And it's in Christ's time, not yours.   No one can be forced to Come to the truth, no grand miracles can dissuade them from their course.   When one's heart seeks after Christ, then they do.

You can pray for miracles, for signs, you can pray to God to beat the *** out of him and have it answered with six chinese men with metal bats, you can be the best love maker, you can make the best meals, you can starve yourself to anorexia, you can pray to have your heart filled with such love that he can't help but feel it too, you can give him back rubs every night while your 9 months pregnant, you can suffer without compliant, you can leave all the money in the accounts and let him take it all so you can't afford a lawyer just to show your fidelity, you can be kind and understanding about his relationships with other women, you can pray that something big will happen in the world that brings everyone back to home and family like 9/11 then watch the towers go tumbling down. You can pray to God to show him what can happen to your children if your family fails, then witness terrible things. You can do all these things and God can hear and answer every last prayer prayer. But you are not the problem. God is not the problem.

Your man chooses what he chooses because he is who he is.

And until you accept that, you are going to suffer.

When he doesn't love, or put his family first the problem is not that you don't love enough or serve enough or put your family first.   Your serving loving isn't the problem. Increasing the serving and loving won't fix him. Until he gets it, he will not be saved. And you, cannot make him "get it."

When Christ taught, he preached, then went on his way.   Those who believed in him, followed him.   When someone Christ taught refused him, he went on his way. Christ did not stick around with someone who didn't want it.

You have no power on when and how he will be saved. You can pray for him and hope for him and be the best woman you can be for you and your children. But he makes his choices.

If he is abusing you, and you think you will save him by staying, and letting him continue to rape and abuse you, that your love for him will eventually save him. You are wrong.   You are not following Christ. Staying in a position where he can abuse you, then "turning the other cheek" is not going to save him, nor will it prove your righteousness. It is fatally dangerous for your soul, and to his.

I guess we learn the hard way.

Is Chastity Outdated?

2011-12-30T10:54:00.000-08:00

One thing I've noticed about a key difference about the culture of adultery vs the culture of fidelity is this:
Those from a culture of fidelity see faithfulness and chastity as a part of their character. They have personal power and act on the world around them.
Those from a culture of adultery see faithfulness and chastity as a part of circumstances. It happens to them.

I was raised in an environment of absolute chastity and fidelity. I was over twenty, yes probably oblivious to reality. But I was over twenty before I knowingly met an unfaithful adult. Yes it turns out my high school seminary teacher had been cheating on his wife for years, but I didn't know that so...

Today's world teaches that chastity and fidelity is outdated, part of a fairy tale past that never really existed. All those heroes we once look up to were "in truth" promiscuous. Today's world teaches abstinence until marriage is "too high" an expectation to expect.

Today's world teaches who cares if politicians, athletes, movie stars are unfaithful? The term "role model" seems outdated.

For me, this world view is hard to understand.   Chastity and fidelity seemed so easy. And yet I feel ashamed in today's world to say, I waited until marriage, and was faithful to my husband. And after my husband left, I waited again, until I was married again.

Why have I found Chastity easy? Why does the world find it so hard. I don't think it's from brute moral strength, but because I was taught how to be faithful.

Yes I am LDS, a Mormon. As Mormons we are expected to wait until we are married, remain faithful for a lifetime, and beyond.    But the LDS Church doesn't just say, "Be faithful or you are damned." It's more, "be faithful and you will be blessed and bless the lives of others." We actually have a system in place, a system that makes chastity work.

What is the LDS plan?

We'll first understand this. The world is filled with amazing people, attractive, fun, understanding, people who give you a warm fuzzy feeling. Life is full of challenges to be overcome. As you overcome them, not just by brute moral strength, but by sensible moral strategy. You will always meet people you may want to become closer to. If unchecked, relationships with these people can grow, and with the wrong person, become inappropriate.

The structure the LDS Church guidelines teach early in life, provides the discipline needed to keep relationships in their proper place for a life time.

LDS teens are taught to wait until they are 16 years old to begin dating. Yikes that sound hard. So many wonderful people to grow closer to, why wait? By the time one turns 16, hopefully they've met plenty of wonderful prospects. But the whole time, teens are expected to hold back on those relationships. The character of meeting someone as a teen who makes your heart beat a little extra, but putting them off, is the same character you need as a married adult, meeting someone a little too close to your taste, and choosing to immediately turn away, and intentionally choosing not to build that relationship that will compete with your spouse.

Not to mention that teens go through such an extreme range of strong emotions, and are very good at hurting each other.

And once you turn 16 is it time to dive in? Not really, what's taught and what's practiced varies. Taught: you can date when you turn 16, but don't pair off. Double date. Date different people and don't go steady.
Practiced: some kids actually follow this council, others go steady, others go too steady in get into trouble.

Before missions or marriage, each individual makes covenants in the Temple to God. Each individual covenants to obey the Law of Chastity. The law of chastity becomes a basic part of the individuals relationship with God. God makes promises in compliment of treating our power of creating with respect.

Then when a young man turns 19, instead of enjoying the College Frat, no the young man is sent on a Mission and expected to abstain from all female relations for two whole years. They can write to that girlfriend back home. Talk about discipline.   Young men learn during those challenging two years, another level of self control.

When a young woman turns 21 she can choose to serve a 18 month mission too with the same expectations.

Then, while in college, you can date again. Then you wait until marriage. Marriages in the Temple are considered Eternal. The children we bring into the world will be with us for eternity. If either party is unfaithful, that party will be cut off from God and that eternal family. The remaining faithful spouse can find another to marry. For the remaining spouse, the eternal relationship with their children remains intact.

Many college age couple struggle to keep this commitment until marriage, but many make it. Its one of the reasons LDS engagements tend to be shorter.

My first husband and I struggled before we married until I went on the pill. Once I was on the pill I felt like a drone and had no pheromones.   That made chastity easier, but was too boring after marriage. We did make it to marriage.

Well that's the structure given to LDS youth for and how to accomplish it chastity, but the church also teaches the whole "why" thing.

Okay, according to LDS beliefs, we are all literal Children of God. We come from the presence of God when we are born. God established the family structure to protect his children and provide the best possible future for them.

Yes, unfortunately those families when abusive can be more dangerous for the child. But, the family was intended to safeguard the Children of God. Each child with an infinite potential of intelligence and power for good or evil.

Before a child is brought into this world, we are expected to establish a loving strong family to protect them. Destroy the family, destroy the child.

Breaking the law of chastity is considered second only to murder. Murder meaning ending the life of another, unprepared, and unfulfilled in this life. Adultery being it's complement, toying with the beginning of life and creation, without preparing a strong family with eternal commitments for that life.

Marriage is not about finding someone who will indulge all your wants and lusts, but a deep commitment to God and each other and your future children.

I cried and my heart ached so hard I felt it was crushing in before my last child was born, knowing my husband was committed to leaving after her birth. Knowing she would never see her parents teach her love by example to each other. Knowing she would not have those protections.

After she was born, he kept his commitment to leave. He mocked every part of our marriage, as I desperately tried to save it. To me, saving our marriage meant saving our children. I've since learned otherwise. He made fun of me and my fidelity declaring to me that the reason it was easy for me to be faithful was because I was to isolated. Circumstance only.

I firmly believe that Chastity under covenant gives our prayers a certain power. After he left, the divorce took over two years. I was living with the children in Idaho. By the teachings of the LDS church, when you are married, you are married, separation or not. So I refused to date or allow any possible relationships, much like a missionary. I knew that my commitment was to God, and provided a sacred protection to my eternal relationship to my children. As the divorce was dragged on by paperwork. Eventually I had a protection order and a no contact order protecting me from him. So I didn't see my husband for two years.   After over a year, my handsome, caring next door neighbor offered to comfort me. He tried to be nice to me, but in my loneliness he seemed to me my darkest threat. I'd lost everything but my eternal relationship to my children and my relationship to God. I couldn't give up all I had left. Finally one day as I drove home, and saw my neighbor's truck parked next door I complained to God.

"I've been faithful all my life. I've done all that I have been asked. I was faithful too the extreme to my husband and he has shown me nothing but cruelty. I've always avoided anything that could lead to unfaithfulness. You are the one who brought me here to Idaho. Idaho protected me as you promised. He has been a kind neighbor, but I can't take it any more. Next time he asked for a hug, I'm not strong enough to say no. You promised to remove temptation when we ask. I don't know what you are going to do with my neighbor, but take him away. I can't do it any more. My husband won't change and he's not letting me go either, he shops while holding me hostage knowing I would never be unfaithful."

A week later, my kind neighbor came over to announce the shocking news. He was being sent to Iraq for over a year. You have no idea how relieved I was. I just had to make it until he left. Glory to God. When the Sunday school teacher at church asks us about answered prayers, mine just seem a little too out there to mention. Thankfully my neighbor survived Iraq.

So I passed the test he said I could never pass. Hey, where is my medal? Oh it's my kids and my relationship to God.

One thing I know is my prayers are frequently answered boldly. I believe that my choice to keep the covenant I made to God is key to that.

Chasity is not about just circumstance.

Adultery can also be used as blackmail, it's a terrible form of abuse. Some men threaten their wives with adultery unless they meet all their demands. This is a cruel demeaning way to live. Many who are unfaithful blame the spouse for their own actions. I know this too well.

When you chose to live the Law of Chastity and keep that covenant to God, God is bound. God makes promises too, and he keeps them. "I the Lord am bound when ye do what I say, When you do not what I say, ye have no promise."

While the world mocks Chasity as outdated and unrealistic, when taught from the beginning, it's not so hard.   Yes some circumstances can make it more difficult, but the faithful manage their circumstances, and ask God for help when necessary.   God does answer prayers, especially when you're trying to do what he's asked to begin with.

If you were never taught about the power of Chastity, you can begin now. Don't ask me about the transition, I don't know. I was taught from the beginning. I know God prepares a way for everyone to change through the repentance process.

For the Record

2011-10-17T21:48:00.000-07:00

At no time, did any of my family members, Father, Brothers, or any siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, at no time or place did any of my family members make any physical contact with me that was sexual in nature. At no time, did any of my family members threaten, suggest or indicate in any way of any sexual intentions to me.

I have never witnessed any sexually abuse of others within my family, nor have I heard of any such abuse.

At no time have I ever spoken, suggested, indicated or written that any of my family members did so.

The only one who has ever sexually mistreated me is my ex husband. I have never indicated, spoken or suggested otherwise at any time.

At the beginning of the divorce, my ex husband yelled at me accusing me that one of my family members had sexually abused me. I boldly testified to my ex husband that was absolutely not true.

For the record.

Natalie Fleming Pye

A child's cry for Attention

2011-08-30T17:53:00.000-07:00

What is the difference between a child's "Cry for Attention", and a child's cry for help.

The listener. A child has the God give right to love and attention of their parents or guardians. A child deprived of the love and attention of their parent will begin to act out.

A Parent who doesn't want to be troubled by their children will say, "It's just a cry for attention. Don't feed it."

A Parent who genuinely loves their children will realize they need to at least spend more time with their child to make a difference.

The Passage of Time as Atonement

2011-08-30T17:47:00.000-07:00

If the mere passage of time washes away our sins, then we have no need of the atonement of Jesus Christ. But the passage of time does not cleans our crimes. Imagine Genghis Kkan at the Judgement bar of God. "But God, that was like, 400 years ago!"

Attempts of Victim Intimidation.

2011-08-19T16:10:00.000-07:00

I received an unbelievable phone call today.

A woman called me. She believed I have information on her husbands ex wife. She believes that the ex wife has said privately that the husband abused her.

She wanted to supeana me to speak against the ex wife in custody court, that the woman spoke of being abused. And thus attempt to revoke custody of the children from a mother who may or may not have spoken privately about abuse.

I cannot begin to express the rage at this behavior. The very idea, that if a woman speaks privately of being abused, that she can have her children taken away.

And people wonder why so many women are silent about abuse. Their children are held ransom. Women are blackmailed into silence.

Wives of Creeps

2011-08-19T12:55:00.000-07:00

A while ago I was helping out in the home of a friend, and I turned around.

Eeeewww!

There was the man who previously traumatized a dear friend of mine. Since then he had married.

Anyway, so there he stood. A year ago he had committed a crime that left the girl the legal right to shoot him in the moment.   My friend was too nice to him about it. And now here he stood, his new cheerful wife in the room.

Thankfully my husband had run an errand and missed this occasion.

While I understand he is a creep, his wife was hard for me to get.

What are the rules? What is right and what is wrong when it comes to telling a woman dating a man, or who married a creep, that her man is a creep.

I know it's hard to believe but I held my tongue. But what I really wanted to do was say to the Wife, "Why did you marry a creep who......!"

Protecting my fellow women is a strong drive for me.   I have a personal witness of what God does to those who abuse women. I guess I need to trust him.

But what about those woman who ignore it.   Like those moms who defend their bad sons in the neighborhood.

What about those women who just tra la la with corrupt men?

There is Stockholm Syndrome, where the abused women defend their creepy husbands to the death.

Why? Well in abusive relationships, everything the abuser experiences or feels, is all important. His every mood swing affects his partner. An abuser escalates their smallest disappointments and takes them out on their partner. Until their partners spends all their time, keeping the abuser safe and happy. Making sure every moment, managing the universe to the pleasure of the abuser, lest they face the dire consequences of the abusers unhappiness.

Keeping the abuser happy can be an all consuming job. Night and day, at home, at work, at church, at play, and in every situation.

The emotional, physical livelihood of the abused depends upon the abusers whims.

So anyone, or anything that comes along and displeases the abuser, the partner of the abuser will attack.

So, telling a current partner of a known abuser of the abusers past, can be very loaded.

Fear of Losing Child Custody for Coming Forward

2011-08-19T11:27:00.000-07:00

It took me years before I could even begin to form the words of what happened to me.

Yet every night, I cried into my pillow as I tried to go to sleep at night.

Terrible memories of what he did to me replayed in my mind.

But I was so afraid to talk to anyone about it.

It was so ugly, so shameful. I couldn't believe he could do those things to me.

About a year after the divorce he was prosecuted for something much smaller, just hitting me.

I didn't have the courage to tell anyone about the other things, so I decided to support the prosecution of the smaller case.

I was also afraid for his behalf. I didn't want to hurt him. The state of Idaho Prosecutes the husband when the wife is unwilling.   They promised me they'd just force him to go to anger management.   I believed it would help him.

I didn't have the courage to come forward to talk about the more serious things that happened to me.

The month before the hearing was pure hell.   Just thinking about testifying against my husband whom I still loved was horrible to me. Yet so much was screaming inside of me to get out.

The day before the sentencing I Counseled with one I trusted. I hinted to what I could not actually form the words to say. I asked if I should speak of those things at the sentencing.   I was told, "If it is true, tell it."

One of my biggest fears, beyond just the horror of testifying against someone you love was this. I was afraid I would loose my children in custody court if I spoke out about what he did to me intimately. He was the one with money for attorneys, not me. I was afraid that if I spoke out about serious abuse, he would accuse me of false accusations, because he was more persuasive, even when he was wrong. I was so scared of him and the power he pretended to have.

I spoke at the hearing. The judge let me go on and on. I don't remember what I said. It was like a blackout in my mind. I remember bits and pieces of what I said. I remember trembling.

I felt blessed that although I didn't have the courage or strength or understanding to do the real thing, for the real case that should have been, I had a small measure of peace.

But some foolish women like me, do fear to speak out, for fear of harming their children with the knowledge of the truth, or loosing their children to men with the money who hire attorneys and punish women who speak out.

I do know there are those who are so twisted and evil that would punish a woman by using those cries for help against them in court to attempt to take their children away.

If anyone ever came to me trying to silence a woman, or punish a woman for speaking about abuse, I would shout it to the world and take them to the cleaners. I will always speak out against abuse. I will always defend and protect the abused. Ghandi taught by word and example that best way to overcome abusers is to speak out against them publicly.

A Parenting Pivotal Moment.

2011-07-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

The following events stay with me always, engraved into my mind, impressions of events, and what kind of mother I need to be.

Nearly a decade ago I had a tragic conversation with a Mother I loved about a child I loved.

Her teenage son was disappointing her and her husband.

In elementary school her son was in the gifted and talented program. But now in High School he was struggling,

She and her husband were frustrated with his lack of effort.

She related everything she and her husband were doing to force their child to succeed.

What upset me the most was her tone and the feeling it gave me. It felt horrible.   It sounded to me from her words, that her son was unhappy at school and at home. It sounded to me that their relationship with their son was completely hostile. It sounded to me that they had already gone to far and were past any constructive, building relationship with their child.

I warned her that teenagers loose hope easily and don't see past the dissapointing moment.

"It's not like that". She said. Oh those words have been mispoken by too many wives and mothers.

She asked me how to "make" her child succeed. How to force him and punish into a good student.

I told her, her son needed to know that she and her husband loved him no matter what. I told her that from what she was telling me, that they had almost completely destroyed their relationship with her son, and that they needed to win back love and trust.

I told her, that when her son received failing grades, that she needed to show him love. I told her about the power of showing love in moments of failure. I begged her to start over with her relationship with her son.

I begged her to ask her husband to stop what he was doing. But I knew she couldn't see or understand what was happening.

But the feeling over the phone was overwhelming.   It was tragic, it was hopeless. I begged her to see. I tried to explain that a child succeeds when they choose to. I told her stories of children who failed in high School to become great in College and there after.

I testified to her of how when my own son was little and failing, I tried to punish, bully and push my son when he failed miserably, and how that only destroyed him, and how I saw that my son was miserable at home and at school. I realized I needed to change, accept him, and support him as much as possible. That I started over with my relationship with my son. Since then, and that conversation I have seen my boy do amazing things. His test scores are amazing, and he has a drive to accomplish HIS objectives.   He has talents that don't fit into any box. I realized I needed to back down and show him love.

She seemed to have the mistaken belief that failed classes in high school doom a child to a life of failure. That is so not true! I loved her boy as many did.

She didn't listen. Even as we ended the conversation I felt anger and frustration with her inability to see what she was doing, her inability to stand up to her husband, and the obvious preventable road they were on. But even then I knew that as I was angry with her not standing up to her husband, I realized that I lacked the courage too, to stand up to mine.

Her son's next report card, it all ended in tragedy. I can never forget the cry my heart made the moment I heard of it.

That tragic event was in the most pivotal week of my life. I myself was enduring the most horrible of abuses, and fearing for the future.   I gave birth in the midst of the most intense suffering imaginable to me at the time. All the while wondering at what it all meant. Wondering about the path I was on with my own children, wondering about my husband and his actions toward our children. Wondering if we as a family were on the same path. At the time, it was the most terrifying week of my life.   I strove to be brave.

The last day I was in the hospital with my newborn, I was up and pacing in my room. A voice cried out to me, "Stand up to him, stand up for your children. Don't let your husband do this too, to your son. If you can't stand up for yourself, stand up for your children."

Latter that day, my husband came to pick me up from the hospital. I was under threat. He told me that he would leave me as soon as our child was born. And now she was born. I was afraid to offend, afraid that he would leave us a the slightest offense.

Once home I sat on the couch holding my newborn babe, staring into her eyes. My son committed an offense. My husband, in his anger, sent him into the corner for 5 minutes. While in the corner, my husband stood over our son, reprimanding and lecturing, and scolding. When our son did not stand properly, his father raged louder. He sent our son to the garage. Then in the garage, my husband raged loud enough to hear even more. It went on and on.

He then send our son into our bedroom, I sat there on the couch, wondering if my husband had crossed the line. Where was the line I was suppossed to stand up to? At what point was too far? I waited about 45 minutes through it all. Finally I stood up and walked to the door. I decided I would listen, and if his words were to cruel, I would stand up.

I heard my then husband say to our 7 year old son, "If you can't live by my rules, you will have to find a new place to live." Crushed and scared, I opened the door.   I walked to the high bed to lean against it to keep me upright. I held my newborn in my arms, I said, "You cannot talk that way to our son." I was so scared. I had never stood up to him like this before. I didn't know what was going to happen, but I knew I didn't want to do to my son, what was done to another.

He was furious. I saw our small boy, crouched in the corner, his hands trembling over his face, crying beyond any ability to reason or understand.   How could he not see that? How could he not know he had gone too far?

He grabbed a suitcase and said to me, "You are out of here." And he started packing clothing for me.   My other daughter came crying into the room. And as I held my infant, my two year old daughter climbed up my leg and I held her on my hip, leaning against the couch, barely standing, literally still bleading.   Our other child ran into the hallway, crying, "Mommy don't go! Mommy don't go!"

It was surreal. In that moment it was though I was out of my body watching events happen.   How did I get there? I was a faithful latter day saint woman, who was faithful to God, to her husband, and strove to live a good life. I did everything I was supposed to do. How was this happening? How was my family not blessed? How did my husband become so cruel? How could he do this?

"I'm not going." I said over and over again as he raged, finally he stormed out of the room I don't know where he went or what happened after.

The voice I heard in the hospital over and over again as I paced, "You have to stand up to him for your children. You cannot fail your children. You cannot let him hurt your children." Just after the tragic death of that dear boy,

Oh there is so much more. So much that happened during the birth.

I fail as a mother in so many ways, but this I cannot do, I cannot drive my children to suicide. I must let them always know that I love them.

So many times I see parents struggle with their teenage boys, and I plead with the parents to show the child love. Usually those that need to hear it the most, listen the least.

While I couldn't bear loosing my husband I loved dearly, I understand it was necessary. We are divorced. I have no power over his relationship with his children. It is completely up to him. When I was with him, I didn't have the courage necessary to stand up to him when necessary.   And he didn't respect it anyway. But now, when my children are in my home I have the power to love them, and show them I believe in them.

People are not fixed in who they are. They choose each and every day, as children as parents, who they will be.

Each day as a mother I try to choose what kind of mother I will be. It's up to me, it's up to him. As for me and my house, I will love my children. I will strive with them in love through their weaknesses. I will do my best. I will love them.

How to Raise your child to become a good Liar

2011-07-10T20:36:00.000-07:00

(Sometimes I feel a bit sarcastic, and it rages just a little)

That crazy Mormon Church I belong to teaches me that when our children are born, they come strait from the presence of God, as former angels. It teaches us, our children are innocent with happy expectations of learning and growing through the challenges of life experiences.

Mormons don't believe in original sin. Mormons believe children are not born wicked, but born innocent, pure and full of love.

So, if you want to raise a Liar and truly corrupt the child, it takes a bit of effort on the Parent's part. So here are a few hints and tips to accomplish the task.

Remember the child came from an environment of pure unconditional love, so you have to teach them "Conditional Love", so you are going to have to harden that heart of yours. Knock out any feeling of empathy you may have for the child.   Let them know with out any doubt that your affections are completely dependent upon pleasing your every whim and expectation.

Anytime you think your child may dissapoint you, let them know a head of time of your expections, and the consequences of your dissapointment.

Jesus Christ taught us to Turn the Other Cheek when offended. The Old Testament was less pathetic, it teaches us to limit punishments to an "eye for an eye". Apparently we are not supposed to make the punishments more than the crime. Ignore this advice at all costs! The last thing your child can believe is that you are fair and balanced in your punishements. Always make sure the punishment will far exceed the crime!

The child has a conscience to be silenced, if you control yourself in punish more severely than necessary and prevent the child from defending themselves verbally and physically, you can prevent them from feeling those old feelings and nature of justice instilled in every child's heart as an infant from the "Light of Christ." The child needs to see you as unjust. The child needs to know you are not going to hear them out.   The child needs to have confidence in the fact you can't handle hearing anything that displeases you.

By instituting unbalanced punishments you can silence any feeling of loyalty they have. Remember if you are kind and understanding, and nurture with love and respect, (damn that respect) the child will act on their own conscience and feel guilt at any offense they give you. You don't want the child to feel guilt for lying.

Make sure to instill as much emotional abuse as possible when displeased. Let them know how disgusting they are, how physically unattractive they are. No matter how skinny your daughter is, let her know she is fat. Belittle every attempt the child makes in pleasing you.

Read the book, "The verbally abusive relationship" Yes the book is intended to stop verbal abuse, but you know, it's got some very clear examples of how you can truly verbally and emotionally abuse your children when the need arises.

Make sure the child feels trapped without hope.

Yell as much as possible. But just yelling isn't enough, you really have to sound like a good super villain. The movie Matilda, Eggar from Men in Black, Lex Luthor, the evil Guy in Gladiator are some of the greatest examples. I really loved Juaquin Phoenix's amazing job portraying a realistic villain. Much of what he says, I've heard before in person.

The child may have talents, and beauty that others appreciate, just ignore all of that. Focus entirely on every disappointment. Take no notice of anything they do right. Study the child's heart and mind, know their insecurities, and prey on them as much as possible.

Make sure to destroy any sense of peace and security the child feels around you. Walking on eggshells isn't enough. They need to feel like they are "Walking on broken Glass." The child needs to know they are going to get cut, and bleed if they make a false step.

And don't forget, never admit to a mistake. Don't let them think for a second you are honest with yourself.

Follow these amazing steps and you are sure to destroy the innate sense of justice, love, affection, trust, and empowerment the child came to you with. By making lies the only way to survive a relationship with you, you too can raise a Liar.

Children are not born Liars, they are made into Liars by parenting. That is unless they suffer serious head injuries as a child and have their frontal lobes damaged, then they will have none of the moral obstacles most children have.

How to raise an Honest Child
The truth is even if you are a good parent, all children will experiment with lying. How you handle those situations determine how the child will or will not make lying a part of their life. The best bet is openness and honesty. Just make sure the child knows you love them, you have faith in them. Make sure the child knows you can handle mistakes calmly. Let them know you are their to help them and you are on their side. Love is never more potent in the life of another than when they think they disappointed you, and you show love and understanding and help them through it. Let them know they hurt you in a calm voice, but that you still believe in you. Give them hope.

You can let a child know you are unhappy with their choices without degrading behavior. You don't have to belittle them to "discipline". Let the child know you're not going to "freak out" at every mistake.

Make sure the child knows you believe in them. Pray for an understanding of your child's amazing potential. Ask God what you can do as a parent to help the child realize that potential and strive for it. Show patience in getting there. Then pray and ask God to help your child see that same potential and seek after it. When disappointment comes, AND IT WILL, help the child to see past it, and chalk it up as a learning experience.

Don't punish the child for every mistake YOU made at their age.

I'm not the best parent in the world.   I make lots of mistakes every day. But I do want my kids to know I love them. I want my kids to feel like they can talk to me when something goes wrong. I want them to feel emotionally safe in our home. Honestly I don't have the emotional energy to have many freak-outs.

Yes I do get frustrated, I get PMS, I do let them know when I feel frustrate in their actions. I do try to do it in a way they understand, I try to state the problem, explain the impact of the problem on others, ask them to improve, and ask what I can do to help them improve, and try to show them ways to fix it. I try to do it without excessive drama.   I know my children love me and despite how it sometimes seems, they do want to please me. They do want to achieve. They do want to take pride in themselves. They all want to do great things. I know they want to do good in the lives of others. They do care.   They want to live healthy, happy lives.

Sometimes I just look at my children and marvel at their beauty and talents. I marvel at all they have endured. I marvel at the greatness in each of them.   I see them pursue talents I so badly wished I had achieved.   I rejoice in their accomplishments. I bite my tongue at my maternal paranoias.
I take pleasure when they show they care for others. Raising kids can be so stressfull, their are so many challenges.

I want my kids to know I love them unconditionally.   I want them to know I am willing to be there for them in their darkest hours.   I want them to see the hope and light in the darkest days. But I know I may not always be able to be with them in those hours. I know I have weaknesses and faults. I may fail them. So I want them to know that no matter what, even if I and those they trust fail them, that there is a God far greater that loves them, and seeks after their good welfare no matter what. I want them to have their own relationship with God to get them through the times I cannot be there for them.

I fail in so many ways, but I believe in them. I know that despite how things seem at times, they will all do great things. I am and always will feel pride in saying, "These are my children".

Compassionate Service

2011-06-02T09:08:00.000-07:00

In defense of those find themselves in a position where they need compassionate service.

I’ve heard comments from those I respect, claiming that service somehow corrupts the heart of the one served. This comment is usually made by those who will refuse any and all service, yet serve others freely.

Both Receiving and Giving service are important educators for our eternal learning and progress.
This is evident in how our Creator set our lives.

As Infants we require service.
As we learn and grow, we become independent and strong. Our Independence becomes a vital part of our self worth.
Random setbacks throughout our lives may push us back into a position where we may need compassionate service. This can be devastating for our self worth.
And then at the end of our lives, we slowly loose the abilities that gave us a sense of strength and empowerment.
Until we may finally find ourselves, once again, as an infant, requiring constant compassionate service.

Since receiving service is the absolute in both the beginning and end of our lives, and randomly in between perhaps our Creator wants us to learn some essential lessons that can only be learned in those vulnerable moments?

I believe one of these lessons is Compassion. Service without true, genuine, Compassion can be devastating.

As many of us wrap our self worth on our independence, it can be emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically devastating as setbacks prevent us from meeting our own needs, or the needs of those in our charge.

When someone finds themselves in that position, not only do they need help with the physical, more importantly they need the compassion that communicates respect, love and honor.

Individuals and families requiring service need to know.

They are of worth.
They are Loved
They are respected
They are understood.

When service is rendered without these vital elements conveyed to the recipient of service, the emotional price paid is paid by loss of self respect. This is the highest price.

When someone you know and love needs service, remember their soul may be famished too.

When you feed that spiritual hunger, it strengthens the mind, heart and soul of the recipient. The sooner the soul is fed, the sooner the recipient may gain the inner strength to meet their physical challenges and needs.

Those needing service inherently may feel shame, please, please, let them know they are genuinely loved and respected.

Service without true Christ like Compassion can render more damage than good is done. One can go about “serving” continuously, and marveling that all whom they serve hate them. If the people you serve, cannot look you in the eye again, look within yourself.

But with compassion, service strengthens and builds loving respectful bonds between the giver and receiver.

“For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God.”

Natalie Fleming

Testifying against the Abuser in Court

2010-10-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call today from a friend. She was scared and stressed about a criminal court hearing coming up in a couple of weeks against her husband. She was afraid because he was playing good boy with church friends, and persuading them that she was crazy.

Never mind the fact it was witnesses who called the police.

She was getting upset and worried about how he would attach her in court, and bring friends to testify against her.

I reminded her that she has no children to bind her to him.

I reminded her that they were married too short a time to worry about dividing assets in the divorce.

I reminded her that once the divorce goes through she could say goodbye to him forever.

Thus, she really didn’t need to worry about the consequences to her of the hearing.

I reminded her that SHE was NOT on trial! He, the Abuser was on trial.

I asked her to call the county Victim Witness coordinator, that most counties have them.

She gets to walk away from the hearing, regardless of whether or not he was found guilty. She has nothing to fear.

She can testify freely, and tell the truth.

The Universal Rhetoric of Love

2010-10-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

The ability to stand with confidence and freely loves others comes first from an understanding of our own power, agency, given to us by our Loving Heavenly Father. I was taught these principles from my earliest days. I had no idea of their true significance as the all seemed commonplace to me until I was confronted with the Logic of Hate. Understanding these principles and applying them to your life will immunize you against beings seduced by the Universal Rhetoric of Hate used by abusers, gangs, political parties, faiths, and races.

These Principles are taught throughout time, history and throughout the Globe.

These principles are missing from the heart of every abuser.

1. God is all Powerful, he is your Father, He Loves and Cherishes you.

2. God is the literal Father of the Whole Human Family.

3. God Watches over you and all of the Whole Human Family

4. Our Father God, hears and answers your sincere prayers and has the power to act on your behalf.

5. In his infinite love, wisdom, patience and mercy, he gave you and each member of thee Whole Human Family, Free Will, or Free Agency. The absolute ability to make choices, and bound the results of each choice to eternal consequences.

6. Each good choice you make with your Free Will, strengthens you, brings you closer to God, and expands your future choices.

7. Each poor choice you make with your Free Will, weakens you, pushes you away from God and limits your future choices.

8. No one can ever take away the Free Will of your Spirit.

9. You will be measured by your own actions, and not the actions of others.

10. Poor choices you make can result in self limiting consequences, and self destruction.

11 No matter your station, or condition, you have the power to do good, and make beneficial choices.

12. Each offense another commits against you and yours, provides the opportunity for you to discover and prove your own strength of Free Will, by doing good in return, and stand up for what is right.

13. While you may do good to others who wrong you, neither you nor God can control the response of of the recipient, as they too have Free Will. It is God’s gift to them to prove themselves for Good or for Evil.

14. Our actions and all the actions of others provide learning experiences for you and allow you to develop, progress, and explore your complete potential.

15. Power over ourselves is the only real power. All other powers are just illusion, and always just out of our grasp.

15. Jesus Christ our Savior taught us the basic principles of Exercising our absolute Free Will, the more we follow those principles, the closer we come to knowing true absolutes power, not over others, but over ourselves. Christ’s teaching focuses completely on how we treat others, not how they treat us. We have no power over others, only ourselves.

16. The Greatest Power you can ever experience is to follow these teachings:
    A. Love your Enemy.
    B. Do good to your them that Hate you.
    C. Bless those that Curse you.
    D. Return not evil for evil, but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
    E. If any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
    F. Whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him in twaine.
    G. Be a peacemaker, any weak soul can escalate a fight.
    H. Rejoice when you are persecuted.
    I. Pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.

16. You need not Fear the power of any man, as the Most Powerful of all is watching over you.

17. When you are free from Fear of other’s having power over you, you are Free to Love.

18. Fear and Love are incompatible and cannot dwell peacefully in your heart.
This is the short version.

When does a man become a Father?

2010-09-19T22:26:00.000-07:00

What is a Father?

“Father” is a sacred title, not given lightly.

When is the first moment in which a man begins to become a father?

Some may believe that Fatherhood begins with a single cell received by the mother.

By this cold single cell many people may define “Fatherhood”.

But that single cell has little to nothing to do with becoming a Father.

Fatherhood is truly seeded, the first moment a man sincerely cares about the life he contributes in creating, or the first moment a man cares about a life another created.

Fatherhood grows or dies within the man as he chooses or chooses not to care for, love for, guide, protect and guide that life beside the co-creator.

The beginning of the ideal influence of Fatherhood may come with that single cell, if and when the man cares for the recipient of the single sell and seeks after her welfare in the creating of that life and shows concern for the welfare of and the physical, emotional, and spiritual development of that new life.

While some men weak, selfish and seeking merely to gratify their physical desires with a woman, fatherhood may not begin in that first moment. Such men may never become Fathers.

But some, but not all of men who fall into this particular example may be moved to love, once they learn and accept the creation the participated in.

Some men, cold and unfeeling, are irritated and distressed by the inconvenient impact on himself and still this man is not a father of the most beautiful creation of a child.

Such a man may openly reject the sacred calling as father-co-creator of life by his adamant open denial of his accountability, responsibility of that life, and the results of the single cell. This man’s actions are tragic, frightening and heart rending.

He may blame the woman as a seductress. He may claim there was another co-creator with even the most virtuous woman.

He may openly lament, refuse, and deny with a thousand protest, and excuses his calling as father.

He may physically, spiritually and emotionally abuse his co creator and the new life.

This man is NOT a Father.

Heavenly Father as the example
We call our one True God, The Father, or “Heavenly Father” because of our belief in him as our ultimate Creator. We are created in his image and he provides for us every opportunity for us to become like him and fulfill our ultimate potential as creators in this Great Universe.

“Heavenly Father” the title is given in our belief in his absolute concern and caring for us and our belief that he acts on his love and concern.

Those who loose faith in our creator in times if difficulty and come to believe that our creator does not care for us, revoke the title of “Father” from God, signifying our hardwired understanding that the word “Father” means one who intimately cares.

Joseph, Step-Father to Jesus Christ As an example
The Fatherhood of Joseph, Step Father to Jesus Christ our Lord, began the moment he sought guidance from God in prayer for his relationship to Mary and her conceived child. His willingness to forgive the wrongly perceived offense of his espoused wife. His willingness to ask and receive counsel from the Lord reflected his humility and love.

In complete contrast to the man who conceives and rejects, Joseph had full knowledge that he had no part in the creation of Christ's life, as he never had “known” Mary in the biblical definitions, he saw her virtuous nature, though it was beyond the reasoning of his mind. In mercy, in love, in faith, he accepted the vision given to him and embraced his role as companion, provider, protector the the mother Mary and the child.

Joseph, Step-Father to Jesus willingly passed through great trials, adversities, and hardships to protect, provide and care for Mary and her child. We do not know what passed through Joseph’s mind in these adversities, but his ultimate choice and the path he followed, was to stand by Mary and her child, now his.

So, despite Joseph’s non participation in Christ's creation, he became a true Father to Christ, by his love of Mary and willingness to take on the mantle of Fatherhood at her side.

I find the contrast between the man who creates life, and boldly rejects it, and the Joseph, Step Father of Christ, who embraced the challenges, hardships and blessings of fatherhood profound.

Unity

2010-06-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

Unity is an important factor in marriage and relationships.

To be one. AtOneMent.

At first your Unity in the relationship seems beautiful and wonderful.

But in Corrupt relationships, Unity becomes corrupted.

In a corrupt relationship,you come to realize that your unity means you can't dissagree, you can't think for yourself, you can't have your own ideas and aspirations.

Absolute Oneness is mandatory.   All your ideas are considered, "poorly thought out."

Any hobby is put down. Any dream.

You make sacrifice everything for their aspirations, but if you want the simplest thing, you are shot down.

In healthy relationships there is unity, but it's cooperative unity. Each partner retains their own identity, their own creativity, their own talents.

The partner's gifts and talents may seem opposite, but complimentary. Your strengths are his weaknesses, and your weaknesses are his strengths.

Each partner brings in his or her own abilitys and those abilities complete each other.

By differences you become complete, you become one.

Deragatory remarks

2010-06-15T13:45:00.000-07:00

When you first meet him and fall in love, you notice he talks bad about a lot of people.

He just needs to learn the worth of souls. You can teach him. You plan how you will teach him over time to accept the differences of others, to understand others, and not to talk so bad about everyone.

He calls people he doesn't like, "A waste of human flesh."

Yeah.

But over time, you are not the one who wins.

In time you become accustomed to it. You begin to worry about him noticing your faults like he does others.

In vulnerable moments, you notice that you personally redirect his hatred, malice, anger, and sour words to others so he misses you as a target.

In time, if you're not careful, instead of teaching him to stop criticizing others, you become like him.

You come to learn that to gain his respect you have to put others down and look down on others as he does.

Mindsweeper

2010-06-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

Communication with an abuser is always carefully premeditated.

You find your mind covering every possible negative response to everything you need to say. Sometimes your mind can spend an entire day in a rats maze trying to figure out how to discuss a simple matter, without stepping on an anger land mine.

And then after all your efforts, you wait for the perfect opportunity, when he is in the perfect mood to discuss the matter.

But before that converstation ever takes place, a new matter comes up and takes it's place.

And you spend that day, meditating another rats maze.

The perfect moment never comes.

Simple issues never get discussed.

And major issues impossible.

Deciding factors

2010-06-15T13:31:00.000-07:00

The biggest question I see women face is, when is the relationship bad enough that they should leave?

If the emotional abuse is severe, and the physical abuse slight, the simplest answer in a few questions.

Do you have the courage to stand up to him?

When you do stand up to him, does he listen, does he respond?

But don't misunderstand. Every woman I've spoken to is more traumatized by the emotional abuse than the physical.

Never an Apology

2010-05-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

Early in the relationship, he would have terrible outbursts. His mother was dying of cancer, so I just told myself, "He's going thru a difficult time."

But he would never say he was sorry afterward, or acknowledge he did anything wrong.

I used to mentally measure how "he was getting better." Thinking, "Oh he only had three outbursts this week." Always believing he was striving to do better.

They say the cycle of abuse included the apology, remorse, flowers phase. I never saw that part of the cycle. Oh he would turn nice for a period, But never say he was sorry or try to make up for what he did.

After everything blew up completely, there were times we could have reconciled, but I couldn't go back to the cycle. I needed him to repent, to apologize, to confess, to forsake what he had done.

The Apology never name. There were hints and suggestions. If the repentance was real, it would have been just as heartfelt and intense as the cruelty.

After so many years of no apology, it wouldn't have taken much to win me over.

After being told over and over again, how worthless I was, and having my feelings treated with such distaine and disregard, even to the point that he seemed to rejoice and revel in hurting me, I just needed to be told that I was of worth, that my feelings were valid and justified. That I was worthy of the dignity of an apology.

I was also terrified of taking him back, and not having the change real. I was worried about the consequences to me and the children if any of the behavior continued.

I loved him dearly, even after everything he did, but I had to respect myself and the truth.

Not letting someone back, when you love them with all your heart, and they are being nice for a few minutes again, and everything about them seems so nice for the moment, is really hard. It burns.

Learning to fight

2010-04-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest challenges I faced in standing up to my husband was that I loved him. I never felt anger for him. It wasn't until even around the time divorce finalized (which took years), that I finally got to the anger phase. Thus I had to fight him without anger or malice.

I wast trying to save our marriage at the same time as a divorce battle. But I knew I couldn't save it by complying with his demands. I didn't want to go back to what was.

If our marriage was to work, he was going to have to respect me, my feeling, my ideas, my thoughts, my heart. Not make sport of them.

Well, I was truly, "Slow to anger." Thus I had to fight a major legal battle with the one person I loved most in the world. I would laugh at the sick thought of "This hurts me more than it hurts you."

My mood has changed.

Now I have to be careful. I have to limit my exposure to him. I consider him worthy of the greatest malice imaginable. And I must not act on it.

It takes "Trust in the Lord", to a whole new level.

When I See Him Smile with a Sparkle in His Eye

2010-04-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

I think of the words he spoke, "I shouldn't have to put up with a wife who complains about pain of feeling degraded during sex." At 2:30 am when our daughter was 2 and a half weeks old. And how he spent the next hour lecturing me on how to please him and what he expected of me.   I felt so degraded i wanted to die.

I knew then that all those times I tried to tell him he was hurting me, he really didn't care.

I think of how he partook of the sacrament the Sunday after, unbothered by his conscience.

"You need to do more to please your husband." From his brother shortly after.

I think of how he smiled with a twinkle in his eye while he lied to his sister about her husbands fidelity for a decade.

I think of how he smile with a twinkle in his eyes at his classmates, then found out at the end of the program they all believed he had 13 years of "strategic marketing experience." When I confronted my husband who worked loading trucks, and at Airtouch Customer Support, He explained to me that he did have that experience. Did he think I'm crazy. That he could just rewrite history and I would go along with it?

I knew if he wanted that he would have to find a wife who knew nothing and would go along with anything he said.

When someone smiles with a twinkle in there eye, why is it we think they have a clear conscience.

What do you need in your life to smile with confidence?

The only way to know the difference between a clear conscience and no conscience in someone else, is to actually see what they do, not what they say.

As much as I wanted to heal our family, his ability to smile with a sparkle in his eyes, when he was guilty of terrible things, scared the hell out of me.

Having someone so close, who shares the most intimate parts of your life, to find out the one you love and have sacrificed everything for, suffered every hardship, every deprivation for their behalf, to find out that they can any immoral act and be so unbothered immediately after, that they can smile with a comforting twinkle, is beyond my moral comprehension.

The scary ugly monsters in the movies are nothing compared to this.

To have someone degrade you as lowly as they possible can in the most intimate moments, and see them stand and play righteous at church.

To know that you can't tell by looking at them what they really are.

To realize that you will never know what reality is while you stand next to them.

Is terrifying.

Then to look at my children, and know they need to have a father they can look up to and honor.

As disgusted as aI felt when I was expected to lie to my sister in law about her husband.   As awkward as that relationship felt, and painfully immoral.

What is right in regards to my children?

I want the father of my children to be worthy of respect and emulation. So my children can follow after him.

But I don’t want to participate in a lie, a fraud.

I wish he would live worthy and with integrity by telling the truth.

God is a God of truth. He is no respector of persons.   It doesn’t matter how charming someone is.

The best way to show how I feel when he smiles is an Episode of X-Files.   Leave it to Scully and Moulder to express my deepest emotions.

Scully and Moulder are investigating a murder in the woods and enter a cave.   The cave turns out to be a massive mile wide underground fungi mushroom that oozes an hallucinogen, while it sedates and digests them.

Meanwhile Scully and Moulder both come to believe all their dreams come true while they dream. Then after a while they realize they are still in the cave covered in ooze. They climb out and escape the ooze. Then back at the office, Moulder sees ooze behind his boss, and realizes they are still in the cave, dreaming all is well, while being digested by the mushroom fungi ooze.

This time their friends come and rescue them, but then again, how will they ever really know what reality is?

Happily ever after with someone who can lie effectively and is willing to, is like giant, mushroom fungi ooze.

So when I see him smile, I see ooze. How do you ever know what reality is?

Hope for Change

2010-04-24T07:07:00.000-07:00

Like many women, I stayed and hoped he would change.

After everything fell apart, I believed he would come to a point and realize that everything he did was wrong and cruel.

But I also knew I had a calling.   I knew for a long time that I was called to speak out and teach others about domestic violence.   Women feel so alone as they endure.   They feel like their family just doesn't understand.

I knew that it was my calling to speak out, so I incorporated my fantasy hope of him changing into my calling.   I wanted him to repent completely. Then after he repented we would work together teaching others about abuse. He would be able to speak to the men and counsel them to help them to stop abusing their wives.   And I would help the women stand up to there abusers until they changed.

But he never repented.

And I waited.   The waiting was torture because there was so much I felt I needed to say, to help other women.

The waiting and silence felt like death to me.

But he never repented.

Sometimes he seemed kinder. But he never said he was sorry. He never admitted what he did. I could never have anything to do with him without absolute, unquestionable, reform and repentance.

During our marriage he would act out, then the next day behave normal like nothing happened.

I was used to that.

After everything fell apart, I realized that he couldn’t change for real, without apologizing and admitting what he did, and working to make amends.

And that a repentant man should be just as aggressive with his reformed kindness, as he was with his aggression.

I knew that if it wasn't real, it wouldn't be real, and our eternal family would be a sham.

Finally I realized, after major life events, that the change I was waiting for was never going to happen.   I realized that I was waiting for the man who raped me to give me permission to speak out.   That my waiting was putting my life in the control of a man who raped me.

And so, without the permission I had been waiting for...

I spoke out.

A couple of weeks ago, my playful son put a hole in the wall next to the front door while, "climbing the house". He covered it up with a picture of the Savior Jesus Christ. Many people profess the Savior Covers our sins, and go on, but the Savior is supposed to help us repair ourselves and the others we hurt, not cover the damage up. Faiths that teach that the Savior just covers are sins, are as lame as the effectiveness of a picture of the Savior over a 1 foot hole.

Perceived Good Intentions, Perceived Bad Intentions

2010-03-19T12:01:00.000-07:00

So many women tell me the same story.

She couldn't comprehend any negative, bad or malicious intentions of her husband. His cruel actions were from misunderstanding her intentions. She just needed to prove her kind intentions and show patience.

He couldn't comprehend any kind, thoughtful, or sincere intentions of his wife.

Um, those who are cruel and unkind cannot comprehend those who are kind and giving. They see kind actions and come up with negative intentions for them.

Those who are kind, loving, and giving cannot comprehend the heart and mind of one who is cruel and unkind. They keep coming up with innocent cause of cruel actions.

Ouch.

He'll be kind if I just do everything right.

2010-03-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

So often women tell themselves,

"If I have the perfect body, keep a perfect house, control the situation so absolutely no conflict or upsetting thing happens, if I have the children in complete control so they never say or do anything to upset my husband, if I pray and love and do everything possible to control the situation to my husband's desires. Then nothing will upset him. He will be happy and kind."

"If I can just keep everything perfect, my husband will be a good man."

Um, here is the problem with this logic.

People who are good and kind, well, they are good and kind.

Good people don't need perfect conditions to be good.

You keep telling yourself your husband is just doing thru a difficult time and will be good and kind, if you meet every demand.

That's not what "good" is.

Good is good. Good is not conditional. Good is not constantly finding reasons to behave cruelly and hurtful.

Quit telling yourself he'll be good under the right conditions.

Good and kind doesn't need perfect conditions to be good and kind.

It's just another lie you keep telling yourself that is hurting you and hiding the truth.

The Emotional Slot Machine

2010-03-19T11:45:00.000-07:00

Years ago I watched a late night program on the destructive addiction of gambling. Men and women who gambled their life savings, their homes, and even stole from friends and businesses to gamble told of their loss and shame.

As I saw old women sitting at slot machine inserting quarter after quarter, and pulling on the arm thingy, I felt so guilty.

Although I never gambled a day in my life, I felt what I thought was proxy guilt. I could see myself like those old ladies throwing everything away.

I understood the minds of these women. Quarter after quarter, investment after investment. Believing that if she just put in one more quarter. Afraid that if she finally walked away, the next gambler to use the machine would get all her investment.

Putting money into machines rigged to never pay out. Finally after having no quarters left to give, walking away, looking desperately for another financial resource to give out more to the same machine.

I never touched a slot machine, but I was overwhelmed with guilt.

Why?

I decided I would never walk into a Casino.

But why and how was I guilty?

Well, many women are heavily invested with emotional slot machines.

They give and they give, they sacrifice, and look for more ways to sacrifice to prove their love to their partner. These women have complete confidence that eventually their husband will become kind, loving, and grateful for all the many hardships and sacrifices made for them, physically, emotionally and physically. They believe in the eventual payout.

But they don't understand that the man is rigged to never give back.

The more they sacrifice, the more loyal they are despite never gaining anything in return.

This might be shocking for you to hear but, some people, well, they give back. They care back. They love back. They reciprocate kindness and love. And some people even give you love when you don't think you deserve it.

Weird isn't it.

What do I do if someone was sexually aggressive with me?

2010-03-16T14:40:00.000-07:00

(This article addresses the more minor events, with offenders that can be easily drop kicked, that may or may not require legal action.)

After someone is sexually and physically aggressive with you, you may be affected by short term trauma and if not addressed, can cause long term trauma.

Fear of touch from anyone.

Sleeplessness

Racing mind

Generalized fear of all those of the other sex

Self doubt

Self hate

Loss of trust in your own judgment

Anger

Disgust with your body

If it was someone in your social circle, you may fear potential negative social consequences.

It’s important to address your feelings and get help as soon as possible.

First of all, you need to understand that you are not responsible for the actions of others. You are only responsible for your own actions.

You may be filled with self hatred for allowing more to happened than you were comfortable with.

So first, stop and evaluate the aggressive behavior.

1. What lines were crossed that you feel upset about.
2. Decide on your boundaries.
3. Decide to enforce those boundaries assertively in all future situations.

Evaluate the offender

1. What character traits did you notice that demonstrated their true colors.
2. Learn to recognize those traits in others quickly to prevent the same situation with anyone else.

Evaluation the circumstances

1. Where were you?
2.   Were you alone with them, or was it a group situation?
3. What time was it?
4. Were chemicals involved that would compromise your judgment and ability to stand up for yourself?

Determine what guidelines you can set for yourself to protect yourself from any future situation.

Find someone you trust, clergy, or counselor you can talk to. Unfortunately the situation you were in is far more common than you realize. Any experienced counselor will not be shocked or horrified, but strong enough to help you through this.

If necessary, report the offense to authorities.

Sleep

Both your body and mind heal while sleeping.   Get sufficient sleep for your body to heal. If you need temporary help getting to sleep. Well, first try exercise, and an active life, but if necessary, you may consider a sleep aid on a short term basis.

Get up.

After sufficient sleep, GET UP. Get active. Too much sleep can be as destructive as not enough.

Know that your Heavenly Father loves you, and you are precious in his sight.

Determine to learn from the experience instead of allowing it to destroy you.

Know that your body is a Temple, a gift from God.   Just as you respect your body, you should also demand that others respect it.

While it is necessary to forgive, it is not necessary to continue any relationship with the offender.

Someone who truly loves and cares about you would never, never, demand sexual activities that demean or hurt you.

What you experienced, WAS NOT LOVE. Love is not pushing the boundaries of your physical relationship.

Love is kind. Love is caring. Love is understanding. Love is patience.   Love does not mistreat.

Silence

2010-03-07T15:57:00.000-08:00

If someone you love is abusing you, the worst thing you can do to "help" the abuser, is to be silent.

As long as you are silent, the abuse will continue.

I know you have a hundred and one reasons to be silent.

They are all lies.

Speak up.

The need to be in control in a crisis.

2010-02-19T12:27:00.000-08:00

One complaint I frequently hear from women, is their husbands need to be in control without taking the effort to understand any given situation.

The abusive husband steps into the situation, and takes over. He doesn't ask any questions, doesn't listen to find out what is really going on, and flips out with a ragging temper tantrum, yelling, lecturing, intimidating, dominating, etc.

Last weekend a male friend of mine commented that he and his ex frequently fight, and seemed to suggest that he liberally tears into her. "That's what ex's do" was his explanation.

Then he mentioned that he just gets frustrated with his ex for keeping him out of his children's lives.

Okay, brethren, if you have an ex that you share children with...

Um, be nice.

Handle all crisis's calmly and intelligently. Don't take over the crisis. Ask what is going on. Don't supervise the conversation, or put on dominant know-it-all airs. Listen, then ask what you can do to help.

The more talented and intelligent your children are, the more creative the crisis will be. Married and single parents both have amazing challenges with their children.

If the mother knows that the first step of any crisis is "Calm Daddy down." Believe me, after the divorce, she's not going to turn to you for help unless she absolutely has to in raising the children.

If you have temper tantrums over small situations and normal day to day events, you can count on exclusion as a general rule.

True Love is Not Blind

2010-02-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

Can one begin to describe how it feels, to have someone precious to you, look at you, and know everything about you, good and evil, and still love you and hold you as dear in their heart.

True meaningful love is not based on lies and pretending. Love is best realized in reality.

What a relief it is for someone to see you at your worst, and have them smile back at you in Love.

Oh the torture of pretended Love based on deception.

I hope and pray that my children can learn this kind of love. I think they have learned this love more than I know.

I guess we teach it when we don't freak out when they come to us with their personal disasters.

True Love is Truthful

If you have mistreated others and caused pain, afflictions, and suffering in the lives of others, and you want to gain love and respect of friends, brothers, sisters, spouse, parents and children, you have two options.

A. Lex Luthor: Kill the guy who knows the truth on your wedding day and spend the rest of your life hiding the the truth by threatening those who would expose you.

B. Confess the truth, testify of what you did, listen to those you hurt and the destructive impact you've had in the lives of others. Forsake your corruption by recognizing how you hurt others. Change. Stop threatening. Accept the truth, take ownership of your actions.

Once you have hurt others, this is the only true and honorable path to gaining the Love and respect you desire.

Pray to God for help in repairing the consequences of your actions in the lives of others.

You and you alone have the power to determine the validity and honor of your sacred relationships.

The Blender

2010-02-01T04:30:00.000-08:00

I've been able to listen to plenty of divorce stories from men and women. As I listen I wonder, what really happened? How can you tell between the stories?

If you listen carefully you can hear the patterns.

As a single mom in the dating world, it's scary. How do I know if the man I'm talking to is really the bad guy.

I've learned the hard way that sweet, handsome, charming, adorable, confident, outgoing, flattering men can be brutal and cruel. How do you see past the initial romantic feelings to what is real?

One thing I have to hear is their break up story. You can learn so much about a man by how he talks about his ex. Even as he tries to make her out as crazy, you learn to see thru it.

Issues can't be dealt with singularly openly and honestly in abusive relationships.

As you listen to the man's description of his ex-s negative traits, you can pick up clues to who and what he is.

Women survive abusive relationships and stay in them by developing negative coping skills or detrimental traits that can drive other's nuts.

The other day I heard once again:

"She's nuts."
"She exaggerates."
"She's was just trying to..."
"She thinks..."

These statements are clear clues to his behavior.

Abused women go nuts.

As I listened to the latest complaints from a man, I became frustrated with the fellow's unwillingness to even begin to consider the point his ex-wife was trying to make.

Here is a comparable story to illustrate why and how and why a woman would "exaggerate".

THE BLENDER

Okay, in a healthy relationship where both partners care for each other's welfare, wants, wishes, desires, aspirations, the following:

At the local market the wife sees a pretty blender.

Wife: "OOOh, pretty blender, bright shiny, useful object."
Husband: "Hmm, my wife wants a blender, I guess she could use one. Oh she looks happy at the thought of it. How can we fit it into our budget?"

In a medium relationship. There would be a simple tame discussion, the husband would see the need, and if money was an issue, they would work it into the family budget.

In an abusive relationship.

Wife: "OOOh, pretty blender, bright shiny, useful object."
Husband: "You don't need a blender. Don't confuse your wants with your needs again."

Wife: "I don't have a blender, and I could really use a blender."
Husband: "What do you need a blender for? You never use a blender, (of course she doesn't use one, she doesn't have one.) Why would you ever use a blender? You think you have to have every kitchen appliance you see."

Wife: "I really love smoothies and if I had a blender, I would make them every day."
Husband: "You don't need a blender to make smoothies. All you need to do is chop up the fruit really fine."

Wife: "But the ice, dear, I like to put ice in my smoothies."
Husband: "We just bought you a wooden kitchen mallet, why don't you use that for breaking the ice. You are just lazy. If you really wanted a smoothy, you make smoothies every day with or without a blender. I made one the other day without a blender, you can too."

Wife: "Well, when I make crepes, the wire whisk I use leaves lumps in the dough, the blender would blend lumps out."
Husband: "So whisk the dough a little faster. With more practice you can learn how to do it without a blender. You are just making excuses. You're just trying to spend money again. You are out of control with your spending."

Wife: "Well, smoothies would be great for my diet. I really want to try a new smoothie diet."
Husband: "You don't need a blender to go on a diet. I'll tell you how to loose weight, STOP EATING SO MUCH! I'm disgusted with how fat you've gotten. You're even bigger than your sister now."

Wife: "I just want a blender....."
Husband: "Stop changing the subject. You brought up you're weight problem, we are going to talk about your weight problem."

You may think this conversation is unrealistic, but it's not. Many couples really do have similar conversations.

Okay, in a simple argument, a premiss then conclusion is made. And it's taken for it's merits.

In an abusive relationship where the wife actually thinks the man cares, she will make several premisses, then the conclusion.

But the abuser does not care about her wants or needs, he will dismiss all of them.

As it gets worse, she will have to add premise after premiss after premiss after premiss, before the conclusion.

He will ignore all of them because he doesn't really care. She can go on until she is blue in the face.

Some women begin to stretch reality when they reach for additional premises to support their thoughts in the false belief that the abuser can be convinced. She doesn't realize he doesn't care, their is no wining because he sees it as win/lose.

Others will just learn to reinforce and back up every simple premiss.

And that is one reason why so many women in abusive relationships go nuts.

Many women comply, and simple learn not to want or need anything but the basics.

Families of Abusers

2009-12-20T22:52:00.000-08:00

Conscience Impairment. (CI)

The prefrontal cortex of our brain, is where doctors claim our conscience sets. Any Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) can severely damage this section, especially in early childhood. Just as we can loose our hearing and eyesight, we can loose our Conscience through no fault of our own. Those without a functioning Conscience are often referred to as sociopaths. Sociopaths have no sense of right or wrong. They do have a sense of their own personal needs and wants, and this replaces their conscience. However one of the basic needs of the Sociopathic form of Conscience Impairment is social respect. They want people to love them, and will conform to the social dictates of who they are with to achieve that affection. The Conscience Impaired will conform instantly to the morals of whomever they are with. Just as the blind need guide dogs, and the deaf need closed captioning, lip reading, and sign language, or prosthetics, the Conscience Impaired need others to provide a conscience. They use the people around them as sort of a prosthetic conscience. Depending on the degree of Conscience Impairment, if the people around them have high moral standards, the Conscience Impaired, will be guided by them, and can even make it to heaven. Believe it or not. However if the Conscience Impaired is surrounded by those with a low moral code, or those who turn a blind eye, and allowed secrecy, the Conscience Impaired will wreck havoc. There is no cure for these forms of Conscience Impairment, only management.

Unfortunately, the Conscience Impaired make the cover up of their disability a full time job, and few are aware of their condition. They crave secrecy. Usually by the time you figure come to understand them, you’ve been literally raped robbed, or even murdered. The Conscience Impaired feel no remorse or guilt. They may be upset or ashamed when discovered but they have no remorse for hurting others. Others often mistake no conscience with a clear conscience. Because they appear the same. The Conscience Impaired interact confidently and sweetly, and are even charming. There is no way to read them. They can lie without any flinching.

The Conscience Impaired depend on secrecy or “privacy” to get away with cruelty. They are severely secretive as it is necessary to maintain dual realities. The Conscience Impaired will only commit cruelty if allowed secrecy. They only act out when they can get away with it.

While most people advise running from the Conscience Impaired, it’s not always possible. By the time you figure out they have no conscience, it’s too late. The family of the Conscience Impaired makes the difference of how honest, and fulfilling the life of the Conscience Impaired can be. The family is strategically best suited for managing the individual with Conscience Impairment.

Their are four kinds of Families of Abusers in times of personal crisis I would like to look at. Yes there are more varieties than these, but for the sake of my limited knowledge, I will focus on only these four. The individual members of the abusers family may fall in to separate categories creating a interesting Family Ensemble. If the abuser is Conscience Impaired, each family can make a huge difference. Because most of the Conscience Impaired are not caught by the Civil Justice System, the family is the last line of defense.

A. The Actively Involved Family. The Actively Involved Family (AIF) participates in many aspects of each members life. Beyond birthdays and special occasions. They talk several days a week to each member and know what is happening in each others lives. They are nosey and may be very annoying. This family is actively involved in helping each other through the regular adversities and joys of life. The potential for hidden abuse is lessened but not completely eliminated in this family. The AIF may not be nice, or beautiful, charming or tactful. They may even be a bit mean, but they do have an idea what is happening in the family and just knowing that the family of a potential abuser knows what is going on eliminates secrecy, and can be one of many deterrents of more severe abuse.

B. The Passive Family with Integrity (PFwI). The PFwI are not involved enough to deter serious or fatal abuse and personal crisis, but when confronted with the reality of their family members abuses and crimes, the PFwI take the time to learn the truth, then stand up for the truth and their daughter-in-law or sister-in-law. The PFwI will tell the abuser they need help, encourage the abuser to repair and pay for their crimes, attend anger management and church, go to prison, and seek protection for the abused and even provide aid to the abused wife themselves if necessary.

While abuse can and does happen in this family, as with the Mark Hacking family, the PFwI steps up to the plate to a swifter resolution of the crisis. The brothers of Mark Hacking confronted Mark to find out the truth. And though it took time, Mark Hacking provided the information to the police to find Lori Hacking’s body. Mark Hacking eventually plead guilty and the nation watched a “relatively” quick resolution. While Lori died, at least her family heard the truth in the end. The PFwI understand and believe in the process of personal repentance or reformation. The PFwI understands it is better for society and their brother or son to pay for their crimes now, and even possibly reform, than to smooth it over and let their brother eventually face God without any prior attempted resolution.

C. The Family of Solidarity (FoS). The FoS protect their own without regard to others. They have no idea what happening between the abusive husband and his wife. The FoS do not care what the truth is. They may take a superficial glance at what is happening in the abusive situation in order to tell themselves they know what is happening and justify the abuser. Abusers in this family do what they want without regard for the truth, then manipulate the truth to justify themselves. If their families are ignorant enough, the perpetrators don't even need a portion of the truth, they can fabricate complete lies to justify their brutality without question from their families. If the abused wife turns to them for help, they will defend their brother/son to the bitter end. The FoS will mock, belittle, reprimand and simply be annoyed by the abused wife’s cries for help. They believe they are strong by standing up for the abuser to the point of blind ignorance. They may consider the abused wife’s cries for help as mere slander, and defend their “Family Name”. Some may consider ignoring the wife’s cries for help as righteous because they are above listening to such filth or participating in ugly squabbling.

The Scott Peterson family is a prime example. They believed in their son/brother to the bitter end. The Peterson families denial of reality perpetuated the crisis for years as the nation watched the trial of Lacy Peterson's murderer run on and on.

These families live without loyalty to principles of a true code of honor to a higher law, but to the law of self. They follow the false principle of “If you want to do it, feel compelled to do it, than it must be right.” This is a terrible principle to teach the Conscience Impaired. Everyone feels compelled to do things that are wrong at times. If we fail to recognize that they are wrong, we need those around us to correct the Conscience Impaired.

D. Last but certainly not least, we have the Manson Family Values, (MFV). The MFV doesn’t care about why or if, but will even help justify murder of the abused wife and even provide a sock to shut up her annoying cries of help, and hand the husband a shovel. They follow the three S’s, “Shoot, Shovel, and Shut up.”

But the good news is. Despite how overwhelming it feels during the crisis of abuse, there is a God. When the Laws of Men fail, and families fail, the Universe has laws of physics and truth and justice that cannot be denied. Each of these families will eventually get their true reward by acts of God. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This law of physics applies to all aspects of the Universe. Where and when justice is denied by man, sit back and watch. It may take time, and insane patience but the Justice of the Universe can be quite eloquent. And if you let the Universe provide it, rather than taking things in your own hands, the punishment is better that what you could ever come up with, and your hands are clean of any crime. If you want to, God is still the God of the Old Testament, and you can even give suggestions. God has declared, “Vengeance is mine”. When God executes justice, He makes sure it’s done right.

Another resource for managing the Conscience Impaired, is church. Yes Church. Many people are shocked and horrified when they find out Brother Jim rapes little boys. How could a man so sweet, so faithful, so doctrinally intelligent be so bad. The church must be false.

Organized religion provides a great place for the Conscience Impaired to learn “correct” behavior. The Conscience Impaired has a need to fit in. And Organized Religion provides a way for the Conscience Impaired to learn every moral code to fit it. The Conscience Impaired are attracted to church, because most people who attend are trusting and loving and earnestly seeking good, and it lends them respectability. They would never know what is lurking behind the Conscience Impaired charming smile.

While it seems sick, Church provides a list or right and wrong, social training, sometimes a small degree of monitoring. The Conscience Impaired’s ultimate goal is fitting in and hiding their lack of conscience. As long as the Conscience Impaired is kept focused on fitting in, in a public environment they can be kept in line (at least a little).

However, the serious drawback to the church going Conscience Impaired is too many innocent willing victims. Active church attenders need to use common sense. They need to avoid the pitfalls of assuming righteousness by appearance, and follow basic rules of personal and family safety. Regular church attendance by someone else is no excuse to soften the rules you live by that protect you. The Conscience Impaired need to attend church, if we follow personal safety guidelines taught in Elementary school, with everyone, it’s not a problem.

And always remember sisters, if you see Brother Bundy with a broken leg, trying to get his groceries into his VW Bug in a dark secluded section of the parking lot, call a Brother from church to help him out, don't help him yourself.

Hard Unexpected Lessons of Life

2009-11-29T16:27:00.000-08:00

Growing up, I attended church every Sunday. By 12 years old, I read the Book of Mormon without help.

I soaked up everything that was taught in church like a sponge.

I learned to pray and receive answers.

Before I hit my adult life, if I actually achieved adulthood, I had my favorite scriptures and pet gospel topics.

I felt warned by the scripture

Moroni 7: 6 For behold, God hath said a man being evil cannot do that which is good; for if he offereth a gift, or prayeth unto God, except he shall do it with real intent it profiteth him nothing.
7 For behold, it is not counted unto him for righteousness.
8 For behold, if a man being evil giveth a gift, he doeth it grudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God.
9 And likewise also is it counted evil unto a man, if he shall pray and not with real intent of heart; yea, and it profiteth him nothing, for God receiveth none such.
10 Wherefore, a man being evil cannot do that which is good; neither will he give a good gift.

I wanted to have a pure heart, that gave sincere gifts to God and others.

I sought to fulfill this. I prayed to have my eyes and heart opened to the needs of others, and prayed that my heart would be filled with compassion, that I may give gifts with real intent.

I was disappointed in myself because I lacked the ability to see the needs of others, to fulfill the direction of God.

I learned in Mosiah, When ye are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God.

I believed my inability to see and serve others needs was a sin to overcome. I studied every scripture I could find on the matter.

I read Les Miserables 6 times.

I idolized those I saw around me who were filled with this love, and sought to learn how I could become like them.

Moroni 7 became my favorite chapter.

44 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.
45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.
46 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—
47 But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.
48 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.

I learned that we had permission from God to covet the pure love of Christ.

I experimented with it. I would ask the Lord each morning to show me the needs of someone that day, and inspire me to serve them, if it was just a few words that would help. Anything.

Little by little, those prayers were answered. I found the pure love of Christ addictive and a pleasurable, honorable pursuit.

It felt good.

In primary I learned the song,

“Jesus said love everyone,
treat them kindly too,
when your heart was filled with love,
others will love you.”

I admired those marvelous people that had such gentle loving spirits you felt peace just to be around them.

When I married, my husband and children had many needs I eagerly sought to fill.

Then I felt sad and disappointed that the challenges we faced as a family limited our opportunities to serve others outside our family.

My husband did not seem as eager. But that was okay.

I found service and a desire for sincere service, and the love that inspire it addictive like Meth. And thus had the absolute faith, that my husband would catch the bug.

I wanted not only the wisdom and knowledge an love necessary to serve, bu also the means.

I recognized that there were people I was not capable of loving. I saw that as a fault in me, acceptable for then, that I would one day grow in the Love of Christ to overcome my inability to love those people.

I had the most tender loving feelings for my husband. I was incapable of feeling anger towards him.

I saw my husband as my best friend. When we first met, I felt like putting my arms around him and saying, “I’m so glad to see you again, I’ve missed you so much.”

But we never met before.

When differences came up, I would remember that we had eternity together, and that the upset of the moment was nothing compared to the expanse of time.

I believed that the heart of anyone could be turned to God, if shown the proper love and care.

I believed that if you just turned the other cheek, hearts could be moved.

I believed that if I could sincerely be filled with love, and seek to help others with pure intent, that hopefully, by the time I was 90, I could help bring others to Christ.

I prayed to have my eyes opened to what it was about each individual that kept them on the path. What made each one unique and sacred to God.

But one cold hard fact I failed to comprehend or pay enough attention too.

No one who has ever stepped on this earth has been filled with more love than Jesus Christ, the source of all that is good.

He is the source of Love,.

There were people, who stood in front of him, even touched him, that could not feel his love. People whose hearts were so hardened, that not even the Voice of our Savior could penetrate.

And they Crucified him.

No matter how hard we try, there will be people who will despise you and say you do good for evil purposes.

Even though he is the source of all Love, Jesus rebuked people around him.

What beliefs were put in the hearts of these people that prevented them from tasting the pleasing Gifts of God?

Satan loves the disappointment the overly idealistic face.

Internal Control vs. External Control

2009-11-29T15:35:00.001-08:00

Okay, I know you may think it’s a stretch to relate this to domestic violence...

But, this illustrates how someone or something physically powerful and openly in control and dominating can be deceived into believing someone small in comparison can have power over them.

Once one believes others can control them, they develop an irrational idea of how they are being controlled.

The abuser generally believes that every desire of the abused is to control him.

For the abuser to belief that someone else is trying to control him can be insanely unrealistic.

Some abusers take it to such an extreme that they believing the other must be wiped out in order for them to attain free will.

Let’s take one obvious target of Universal Rhetoric of Hate are the Muslims vs. Jews to illustrate this point.

The Jewish, Israeli/Islamic conflict is a great example of provocations leading to violence and hate.

In the Islamic culture, it is sometimes believed that others can control them, and this idea limit their free will debilitates the individual.

There are 25 million hits sites on the web mistakenly believing the Jews are covertly taking over the world for Jewish control.

Hitler’s notorious Mein Kampf is filled with meandering, run on sentences explaining just how the Jews are secretly trying to control the world, and the necessity to wipe out the Jews.

Today there are many sources of Anti-Semite propaganda.

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently declared,

“Anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation's fury”

“As the Imam said, Israel must be wiped off the map.”

“The fighting in Palestine is a war between the (whole) Islamic nation and the world of arrogance, ... Today, Palestinians are representing the Islamic nation against arrogance.”

We hear from the Islamic world that Jews are secretly trying to take over the world.

And yet openly who is in control?

I am not an expert on the Islamic-Jewish/Israeli conflict, but here are a few simple facts.

Pop of Iran: 72,000,000

Pop of Israel: 6,500,000

Iran has 11 times the number of people under their control.

Area of Iran 1,600,000 sq. km

Area of Israel 20,330 sq. km

Iran has 80 times the land mass under their control.

Number of Nations openly under Islamic control: 50

Number of Nations openly under Jewish control: 1

Area of Land mass openly under Islamic control: 29,000,000 sq. km

Area of Land mass openly under Jewish control: 20,330 sq. km

Islamic countries control 1300 times the amount of land mass over the Jews.

Worldwide Muslim population, 1,600 million

Worldwide Jewish population 13 million

There are 123 times more Muslims than Jews in the world.

And yet you can find many sites explaining the threat of Jews trying to covertly control the World.

Many Muslims are taught when small that Jews are the cause of all their hardships and therefore need to be wiped off the face of the earth in order for Islam to flourish.

If the Islamic Nations want to be truly powerful,

they would show this generosity as it is the ultimate sign of power,

Why can’t the Islamic nations allow the tiny Jewish population to exist?

Why can’t the great Islamic nations allow tiny Israel to exist, I ask again?

Underneath their power, they are afraid to be generous?

Abusive relationships experience the same phenomenon.

Abusive husbands in this situation must dominate every aspect of their wife.

And the is afraid even the slightest sign of strength or independence of the wife, claims she is breathing for the sole purpose of controlling him.

He must demand absolute domination to the point of erasing her personal identity. He is choosing security over a healthy happy relationship. If left unchecked, this can lead to the elimination of the wives identity. Just as the conflict between the Muslims and the Jews could lead to the eradication of the Jews as a whole.

The Universal Rhetoric of Hate, works in the Macro and Micro social systems and is based on fear. Fear of the God given agency every human being is given.

It is interesting to ot that within the Islamic Nation the fear of even the beauty of women is so great, women must be veiled.

External Control is less efficient and more harmful than Internal Control.

Industrious accomplishments thrive in the small nation of Israel.

This strength is due in part by being forced to survive and hold on to their identity with such fierce opposition. prosperous farms in such an arid nation.

Israel as a prosperous country is a great example of inner control. They amaze me.

The Universal Rhetoric of Hate Applied to Marriage

2009-11-28T13:20:00.000-08:00

Here is an example of how the false belief system of the URH, is applied the heart of a husband to provoke him to anger against his wife.

The source of these ideas are the words of abusers. Individual Abusers will not necessarily believe all of these statements, but will believe many of them. These come from statements abusers make to the abused and to the children.

These statements and beliefs are parallel to openly declared beliefs demonstrated in hate propaganda, such as The Hutu Ten Commandments, Mein Kampf, "The Jews and their Lies", Black Liberation Theology. You can substitute "Your wife" for Jew, Whitey, Blacky, Serb, Tutsi, Crip, or Blood.

I endured many of these accusations for years. It was not until my Daughter came home from court ordered visitation from Dad's and declared that Dad says, "When mommy does good, it's because she has bad purposes. Mom's heart is bad, and she can't do good. A good fruit cannot come from a bad tree." That I was provoked to write these out.

The Hutus of Rwanda declared the same of the Tutsis and added the barbaric phrase, "Cut the trees down."

I would not believe that anyone could say or believe these things unless I heard them myself, and read them in hate media. I used to be the ultimate submissive wife, turning the other cheek, believing 'If I could just prove my sincerity to him." Refusing to revile against the reviler. But this Hate rhetoric effectively immunizes the abuser/hater against gentle loving responses taught by the Savior.

In my ignorance, for years I believed that this behavior was unique to my husband. That no one in the world could understand what I was going through. That I was alone. Since then, I've spoken to many women who've experienced the same destructive belief system. DV books explained it. And then of course I came across a tiny tidbit of race hate propaganda, and my eyes were opened to the pervasive nature of the script.

This rhetoric goes against the most basic principles of the Universal Rhetoric of Love taught by many faiths. A child raised up understanding their true power of free will cannot be seduced by this hateful rhetoric.

The abuser believes that the abused can and does exercises power over them. Power that must be overcome.

This belief system is saturated in every hate propaganda known to man. For centuries this belief system has filled the earth with violence and hate.

In Domestic Violence, just as in ethnocentric hate, the abuser creates a false reality of who his companion is. Instead of focusing on purifying his own intentions. actions, and consequences, he focuses on his false beliefs of her intentions. He believes he can read her mind and determine the corrupt intentions of her kind acts. Because in his mind, she is of course, "acting" anyway. He can then go after her without any remorse or shame. And feel a sense of vindication and rejoice in his actions.

This perverse belief system itself provokes the abuser to hatred without any wrong doing on the part of the abused.

The conversion of a man or woman from the dominant feelings of love and affection, to the URH may be gradual.

These are not assumed beliefs, but boldly declared beliefs of abusers.

The first statement is a false premise that must exist in order for the following to be believed, and not a statement openly declared.

You have no Personal Power or Free Will.
Your wife is trying to control you.
Your wife may seek power over your thoughts words, actions, identity and life.
Controlling you is the sole purpose of all the thoughts words and actions of your wife.
Your wife has various methods of controlling you.
Your wife is inferior.
All action and or status that is detrimental to yourself or you done by your wife is intentional to fulfill the purpose of controlling.
All actions that seem kind, good, or affectionate, are ways in which your wife seduces, weakens and controls you.
All sex, intimacy and reproduction is used by your wife for the sole purpose of controlling you, seducing you, overcoming you.
Your wife wants to have children just to control you, and trap you.
Your wife's religious faith is false, her pretended beliefs for the sole purpose of controlling you.
Any "sacrifice" your wife made for you was just to ingratiate you into her control. It is evidence of her extreme perverse desire for domination and control.
Any condition that exists that is undesirable or detrimental to you, is the result of the intentional actions of your wife.
Because all pretended good and actions by your wife is of evil manipulative intent, your wife is not worthy of gratitude, kindness or mercy.
All obvious attempts to withstand you and your teachings by your wife, is an attempt to control you.
Your wife must be eliminated or subjugated in order for you or you to have Free Will.
Every organization, thought, home, belief, institution, faith and work of your wife must be eliminated or you will be controlled.
Any kindness, gratitude, concessions, mercy or aid given to your wife enables your wife to fulfill her controlling purpose.
Anyone who sympathizes with your wife is a Puppet of your wife.
God is against your wife.
Your wife is ruled by the Devil
All actions against your wife are Justified
Peace talk is just to sedate you while your wife controls you.
Any appeal to authorities for aid by your wife, is just to control you and blackmail you into her control.

Once these beliefs are secured in the heart of the husband, he feels betrayed, hurt, and anger. All trust and love is eliminated from his heart.

His wife is left without any means of proving her love and loyalty for him. She has no means of redemption.

He will act out in violence, legal, and illegal against her. He will justify and escalate sexual abuse, because he believes she's using sex to control him.

His hostile actions will eventually force her to take action to defend herself. Yet, any attempt on her part to verbally, legally, physically defend herself is seen as evidence of her corrupt nature.

Now, every condition that exists in their marriage, good or evil, is proof of her corruption.

The husband will look back on their years and experiences together, remembering each sweet moment and "realize" that all those seemingly kind actions really had evil intent.

Every tender memory will be rewritten with corrupt intent.

She is usually left confused, heartbroken, and helplessly endlessly, futilely trying to prove herself to him. By the time she finally stands up to him, standing up to him will bring her own personal crucifixion.

Every kind act on her part will provoke him.

Every word she speaks will provoke him.

Every glance will provoke him.

He will feel strong, just, righteous, and proud for any and all cruel actions he takes against her.

He is able to write her off completely as a human being.

He is filled with every emotion and belief the Devil himself delights in.

He can take her every emotion, action and being and write IT off.

All her hopes, dreams, love, sacrifices, fidelity, hardships, identity, tender memories, are violently raped from her.

No matter what he does to her, he can sleep peacefully at night with a justified conscience.

He will then sit the children down, and teach the children about the true motives of their mother.

There is no more thorough rape of a soul than this.

If indeed Lucifer exists. These are his most precious teachings.

In stark contrast, the belief system taught by Jesus Christ and Peacable Teachers lead to

Love
Faith
Redemption
Hope
Unity
Fidelity in Marriage
Tenderness
Forgiveness
Compassion
Mercy
Personal Accountability
Awareness of ones free will
Personal Strength
A focus on the intentions of ones own heart and mind
A desire to reach out and lift those who fail.

Children of Abuse

2009-11-28T10:47:00.000-08:00

Two years ago, in the fall of 2006 I suffered a complete mental breakdown. I laid in bed for weeks crying. I got up to take care of my children, sent them to school, fell back down and cried.

It was one of those moments in time where all the horrible events of ones life converge into a single painful climax.

My daughter, then 4 years old was diagnosed with low functioning Autism. It was a sick reminder to me of the abuse I had suffered before, during and after my pregnancy with her. I tolerated abuse, and my children suffered for it.

I had warned my husband Mathew, in March of 2001 of the risk of birth defects due to my medication. He ignored me, refused to allow protection, and raped me. I once again forgave him silently and went on as usual, trying to make the best of things. On September 14, 2001, while I was six months pregnant, Mathew told me he was angry that I was pregnant. That he was leaving me as soon as the baby was born. Mathew told me I was to fat, and had to loose weight. Mathew told said he saw our pregnancy as just a manipulation to trap him into marriage. This was our fourth child!

I did not remind Mathew that if we were very very lucky, our child would only have learning disabilities. Mathew had come to believe that when I was kind, when I turned the other cheek, when I did what he asked, I was simply manipulating him. Everything was control and manipulation to him.

I was a afraid that if I told him about our child's disabilities, he would reject her. He would tell me that it was just another manipulation made up to trap him. If she only suffered from learning disabilities, it would be best for him not to know, until after he fell in love with her. I did not want my daughter to suffer from being rejected by her father. Every little girl, even those with fathers in prison, needs to believe, even if it’s just an illusion, every little girl needs to believe her father loves her.

He stayed until her birth, mentally abused me until I could barely function, rejected her, then left. But in court he pretended to have a relationship with her, and sought custody of her with the other children. That was my fault though.

Just before our daughter turned 2, I was under the false impression that the Statute of Limitations in California where the rape took place, was coming up. It was a difficult decision, but I wanted peace so badly, I wanted my husband to repent and fix our family. I could not bear the thought of pressing charges. I took the evidence of the rape, placed them away in a drawer. I wrote a long letter to Mathew’s family explaining the rape and the events and gently as I could and sent it to the family members.

Mathew’s oldest brother, one I though I respected, told me he would not read the letter, and sent it off to his other brother, who is known for his cruelty, sarcasm and mean spirit. His other brother of course sent me a scathing mocking email.

By the time the reply came to me it was too late. I had to live with the decision I made.

But now, in the fall of 2006, years after putting it all behind me, it all came back. The real consequences of the abuse. I came across a study correlating trauma during pregnancy to Autism. Apparently the stress hormones aren’t too good for developing babies, and doubles the rate of Autism. Imagine that. Unborn babies do suffer when their mother suffers.

My daughter was diagnosed and...

I also discovered that I was wrong about the statute of limitations for spousal rape in California.

California passed a bill, extending the statute of limitations for spousal rape to 6 years.

Suddenly, a decision I put away so I could live as a sane woman, was dumped on my lap with a sick overwhelming force. Once again, I had to decide once again.

If He doesn’t listen to you when you are Vertical, He will not listen to you when you are Horizontal.

2009-11-27T08:25:00.001-08:00

In the year after the No-Contact order expired and his probation ended, things were touchy.   I felt very nervous and uptight around him.   While he seemed he wanted to be friendly, then unfriendly at moments, I had finally made it to the anger stage. An anger that took years of silenced abuse to create. The consequences of rape were the hardest for me to temper myself over. I had to be careful around him and speaking to him, not just for my fear of him, but fear of myself.

Anyway, my son wanted to invite him to his arrow of light cub scout pack meeting. I took a deep breath, and sent the invite text.   His father chose to come.

It was an evening of difficult self control.   He and our children sat around one of the round tables to eat the desert, and the children chatted.

I look at my children sitting around the table, took a deep breath and forced myself to eat dessert.

As we politely chatted, the subject of D's cruel first grade teacher Mrs Haynes came up. Okay that's a huge story that leads in countless painful directions.   I took a deep breath, self control.   It was either my son or his father that mentioned Mrs Haynes as his "second" grade teacher.

Now as the mother who biked her son to school every morning, and attended every parent teacher conference, called the school and teacher frequently when issues came up, I couldn't help myself.

"Mrs Haynes was his first grade teacher." I said, knowing it would be rude to correct.

Looking at me with a commanding air, "No Mrs. Haynes was his second grade teacher." His father said.

Something inside of me said to not let him "put me in my ignorant place" and disregard my experience.

"Have confidence in yourself and your experience" a little voice inside me said.

"Um, no, Mrs Haynes was his first grade teacher" I said again.

With bold punishing commanding his father said, "No Mrs. Haynes was his second grade teacher."

He had a habit of putting down every statement I made. Here I was the one who would have known.

I looked away and sat silent for a bit.

The "friendly" chat went on.

I told myself it ignore it and go on. Of course the thought to pull out his report card tempted me. But I told myself to let it go. And I tried to let it go.

A few days latter, I as I was cleaning out my sons room, and sorting through his K'nex box, a thin yellow folded paper fell out.

Okay, prior to this I had gathered all his report cards together, but some pages were missing.

Now, at that moment, I unfolded the missing yellow paper.

My son's First Grade Report Card, signed "Mrs. Haynes."

"Natalie, trust yourself, have confidence.   Know that I am God.   Know, I know the truth. Do not let him discount you.   The truth will always be there for you. Stand up for it."

Even when I tried to ignore the truth for the sake of peace, here the truth was jumping out again at me, refusing to be silent.

Truth has a voice of it's own.   The more you ignore it the bolder it shouts.

So, that was the vertical experience. One of countess experiences of him discounting my view.

Another vertical experience.

I came home from the doctors office in March of 2001, after an immunization and a 1 month prescription.

Two of the ten grandchildren on his side, had serious birth defects.

One was born with a cleft pallet that required surgery.

Another was born with a hole in his heart, his diaphragm his heart started to fall through, all his digestive organs outside his belly in a sack, 3 rare syndromes, mental retardation, deafness, um, and the painful list goes on. And I do not know the count surgeries this poor child suffered through.

I can not count the number of painful, tear filled phone calls from the child's mother I tried to be strong for.

Also, I had introduced my husband to Ricky Hall. A 30 year old man, withered in his bed watching Disney movies. He was born healthy, but his doctor made a mistake with a common prescription for a common childhood illness when he was 9 months old. I remember as a child seeing him in a wheelchair in his mother's kitchen, his head hanging, his mouth hanging open drooling, hearing strange grunts. He never walked or talked. I remember seeing his parents care for him tenderly for over 30 years.

Yes, I've always been terrified of even prescription drugs.   For good reason.

And at the time, I needed surgery, but I hadn't the courage to speak to my husband about it yet. I was afraid of how it would inconvenience him.   But I knew that without it any future pregnancies would be a risk for me and my child.

So back to the Vertical Experience. Standing up, I told my husband when I returned from the doctors office, that "Considering the cocktail of drugs in my system, if I get pregnant this month, our child will have two heads."

He just walked away from me while I was talking to him.

Hurt at his lack of interest in me, I dealt with it.

I knew how to tell when I was ovulating.   We had plenty of condoms in my undie drawer next to the bed.   We would just have to be extra careful in case the meds hid the symptoms of ovulation.

Now the horizontal experience, told here with great um, well, told there.   In summary I told him I was ovulating twice, he was on top, he was stronger, and told me I was wrong.

After the trauma, I tried to deal, I was used to him discounting me, but this was too much.    I tried to forgive him and go on.

Each morning I opened that drawer to change, I saw them, talking condoms. "you are going to have a disabled child!", "Your husband never listens to you." "Your husband raped you and the child will pay the price."

By the second trimester, I took those talking condoms and gave them to a transient homeless couple on the street.

I tried to bury his crime.   Little did I know then, how much the truth screams to be told, to testify of itself.

Just as the Lord dropped the little yellow slip of paper into my lap, as evidence, I would be shocked by the countless was the Lord would drop the greater truth into my lap.

Until I finally came to the realization that trying to be silent would kill me physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

If He doesn’t listen to you when you are Vertical, He will not listen to you when you are Horizontal.

Irrational Motivation to Hate

2009-11-22T16:25:00.000-08:00

What is the core belief of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

The following are the lies told to convince you to hate the innocent.

What is the blueprint of lies used in Hate logic?

Others have power of us, we have no free will.
All the actions of the other spouse/individual/group/race are for the soul purpose of ruling/controlling/destroying you.
You must do everything possible to resist covert methods such as seduction to control you and overt methods such as fighting you to control you.

What are the destructive, resulting, beliefs of the core lies of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

1. Because all acts of kindness are simply methods to seduce you and lull you into ignorant submission, you may

Retaliate against kindness.
Take advantage of kindness without guilt.
Feel no gratitude.
No reciprocation of kindness is morally required.
Hate them for their attempt to seduce.

2. Because you believe they use sex to control you, you can use fire against fire, and feel no guilt or or shame in inflicting sexual shame or harm upon them.

3. Because of the evil intentions of the other group/individual, you make take preemptive measures to destroy them.

4. All violence against the group can be committed without shame.

5. Kindness must be punished.

6. All memories of previous kindness were really attempts on their part to seduce you into submission.

Believing in the Universal Rhetoric of Hate turns you as an individual into a functional sociopath.

These principles lead the believer of this rhetoric to the following emotions.

Hate
Fear
Anger
Malice
Pride
Scorn
Betrayal

What are the Core fallacies of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

You cannot read the mind of others. In even attempting to interpret the actions of others, we can only apply our own motivations and intentions.
People cannot control you. All true control comes from within.

What are the Consequences to the targets of this Hate Rhetoric?

Spousal Rape.
Domestic Violence.
Gang/Tribal Warfare.
War.
Genocide/ Holocausts.

Because of the circular logic of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate, all actions, kind, neutral, and unkind provoke the believer into thinking they may morally commit all manner of abuses against the target of hate..

The believer in the Universal Rhetoric of hate needs no proof, and the subject of irrational hate is left with no means of redemption. All efforts to kindly prove fidelity merely prove manipulation, and all efforts of self defense prove manipulation.

Memory

2009-11-20T15:52:00.000-08:00

One difficult aspect of domestic violence, verbal abuse, and sexual abuse, is you as the victim remember everything. Your remember his tone of voice, where the children were, what conditions existed that gave you the illusion that you had no choice, and had to submit. You remember the smells, and even every one of the millions of thoughts that raced through your mind.

But here is the catcher: during events significant to the individual, or emotional stirring events, the brain releases more chemicals that bond memories. Meaning we remember the events that are significant to us.

Too often the abusers see nothing emotionally stirring about the event, or feel the significance of what they are doing. They really don't care. The abuser often remembers little, because quite honestly, they really don't care.

While what they did to you was so meaningful and destructive to you, it means absolutely nothing to the perpetrator and never will. You of course, remember absolutely everything.

Abuse in the News

2009-09-22T07:35:00.000-07:00

I do not have time to write about it yet, but this tragic story in the news has countless common themes.
Florida Mom Murdered with Five Children

Twist the Truth

2009-08-29T09:23:00.000-07:00

Reaching out to those who preach hate.

Long ago a serious tragedy hit an LDS family I love. A beautiful young boy took his life in the worst way imaginable. His younger sibling found his remains. The sorrow that followed was immeasurable.

There was one woman in particular who would attending the funeral I wanted to reach out to. She was raised in the LDS church. But she never really came to understand the beliefs of the church. Her high school sweet heart joined the church and married her. Soon after, he was unfaithful. Some of her family member knew, but didn’t tell her.

He soon left the church telling her he disagreed with the faith. She had never taken the initiative to truly understand the principles of the gospel on her own, and his intellectual reasons easily swayed her and she left the church.

When I met her, she was going through some pretty tough times. I watched helpless because my relationship with her was weak.

In time, she grew strong and beautiful. She developed her talents and raised some amazing children.

Years later, her husband was unfaithful again. This time she found out. The family members she reached out to, didn’t tell her the truth. That it wasn’t his first time.

She believed it was the first time, so she stayed. It was hard. She did some serious soul searching. She forgave and went on.

I learned from my interactions with her husband. He never knew I knew the truth about him. I hated knowing it. But I was curious about how he justified himself and looked at God and religion.

He didn’t respect the sincerity of the beliefs of others. He was very intelligent, friendly, charming, and articulate. He loved to show his intellectual and scientific prowess. He spoke of the great heroes of history with amazing disdain.

He spoke of Lincoln, a great hero of mine, as though his motives for the Civil War were not as noble as I understand them. He preached that Lincoln's motives were just political power, not freeing those who lived in slavery. He spoke the same of many other heroes of history. It was as though he could not comprehend true sincere motives, and people sacrificing themselves for their true beliefs. There was no real true goodness of soul of others in his eyes.

While I loved the woman dearly, I was careful to steer clear of her husband. At the same time, I was fascinated by him. I was curious. Sometimes I struck up conversations with him, just to see how his mind worked. I had to be careful. He was good. He had a subscription to a more permissive faith.

Back to the funeral. I wanted to reach out to this woman. I knew because of him, she was filled with so many false beliefs of what the LDS church teaches. I wanted to comfort her and clarify the LDS followers understanding of the tragedy of suicide. Perhaps I was misguided.

I found a delicately written article by M. Russell Ballard, “Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not,”. Ballard is far less clumsy at speech than myself. The primary premise of the article debunked the painful idea that all those who take their own lives go strait to hell. It spoke of mercy, and the gentle loving mind of God. It spoke gently about the many traumas that can lead someone to such despair. It reminded us of the gentle love of God, the precious value of human life, and our Heavenly Father’s ability to balance mercy and justice in favor of each of His children.

I emailed this article to the woman who would be attending the funeral, hoping she would find peace and understanding in it. Instead of a response from her, her husband responded brutally via email. He condemned me, and misrepresented my faith as preaching that a beautiful boy would be sent strait to a permanent miserable hell. This is exactly what the article was supposed to debunk.

I have since learned that his attack is called a straw man. In a straw man fallacy, the belief or idea are one is grossly misrepresented, then the misrepresentation is easily attacked and debunked. It’s a favorite method of those who lie and hate all religions but their own, and want to keep those around them in blind ignorance.

My heart was broken. This delicate relationship with a woman I dearly cared for was now destroyed permanently. I knew I could, and should never try to reach out to her again. I knew her trials and challenges were not over, and that I would never be able to help her. Not that I was any help to her anyway.

I learned that the more you try to reach out to someone like this man, the more you arm them with lies and half truths for others. Some of us have to learn the hard way.

It brought out another interesting topic. He said that because this wonderful boy, was precious and loved, he would not have moral consequence to be balanced by God. This man loved science, as do I. It’s fascinating to me that so many who love and cling to the laws of science governing every aspect of the physical universe, also believe their are no checks and balances, or laws of morality.

Science has taught us that the universe is completely obedient. It follows laws. Every planet no matter how big or small follows those laws. Every tiny atom has positive and negative forces that must be kept balanced at all times.

When imbalances are created, the universe moves immediately to correct it and balance out the forces of nature. Nuclear bombs are created by humanly induced imbalances, that the universe moves quickly and forcefully to correct.

Every cell in our bodies has DNA instructions, and every cell in the body follows those instructions to the letter.

In math, both sides of the equal sign must kept in perfect balance or nothing works. Mathematicians spend years learning and discovering countless math laws and guidelines that help us keep that equal sign equal. Every physical thing big or small is obedient to those laws.

The boy was beautiful, loved, precious, with an incredible potential. Everyone who met him loved him. He is of infinite worth. But, his infinite worth did not stop the bullet from piercing his body. The laws of the universe ignore how precious he is.

Just as their are absolute laws of the physical world that must be kept in balance, the laws of physical apply perfectly to the laws of good and evil, right and wrong. We as childish fools, keep messing up the balance of those laws in our life.

And in order to keep us living, and those laws from destroying us, we need a Savior, which of course we have in Jesus. His job, is to use mercy and his righteousness, to balance the laws of good and evil, so we can stay here, keep messing up and learn even more. Jesus cleans up our messes and ads his numbers to our side of the equal sign to keep the universe from crashing down on us.

And when we die, we get to ponder those balance sheets, watch the long term consequences of our actions from the other side, and continue to learn from them. If we have chosen to enrich the lives of others, it’s a good deal. Sometimes, watching the long term consequences of our actions on those we love and care for, after we die from the other side, powerless to change anything, can be unpleasant. I believe that the young boy watching his young brother and sister finding him, their suffering, watching the suffering of dear mother was hard for him. I believe he yearned to comfort her, but couldn’t anymore because he had no voice his mother could hear. That within his heart, as he loved his family dearly, the magnitude of his sorrow was infinite, and eternal but not permanent. That as he watched his mother grow and overcome her heartbreak, it brought comfort to him. That because he no longer had a body to interact with the physical world and his mortal family lived in, that he prayed to God to bring peace to his family. That as the boy saw his brother and sister grow, get counseling, that it comforted him. That he rejoices as he sees every achievement his siblings make.

I believe that those who suffer from sorrow from these family tragedies can find strength and hope and the power for good to those who can only now watch us and pray for us, by healing ourselves and those left behind. That understand this power we have as mortals, can give us a sense of being able to do something. Many believe that infinite and eternal suffering, is not a measure of time, but of a measurement magnitude and depth. All things pass, and they pass better with the Savior's aid.

God must allow a degree of consequences to us for our actions, or we cannot learn, and we cannot grow. When we screw things up, and go to far so that we cannot progress any more, we can turn to our Savior, to help straighten up enough to start over. But it has to be done in such a way that we can learn and grow from it. Thus mercy and justice are kept in the balance by our loving Father in Heaven. Forgiveness and repentance is about providing a means for us to progress.

I just find it fascinating, that those who cling to science only, ignore the reality of those same laws that govern science, govern morality, and the good and bad in the universe. I laugh when I hear someone who loves science and the tight organization of the universe declare they don't believe in organized religion.

God has a great purpose and plan for each of us.

Stockholm Syndrom in the News

2009-08-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

Jaycee Lee Dugard the young girl who was kidnapped at 11 years old, and just found after 18 years, is said to likely suffer from Stockholm Syndrome.

After years of depending on her captor Phillip Garrido for food, shelter and safety, and having to appeal to his needs in order to survive, her emotions and thoughts could be turned primarily on his needs.

Women with abusive husbands that don't feel they have the power to leave often suffer from the same syndrome.

Manipulative communication

2009-08-27T11:29:00.000-07:00

Ah, yes, “Communication Problems”. Many couples have “Communication Problems” and often an abuser or his wife will declare that their marriage problems are “Communication Problems”.

Here is a good example:

Situation: The husband threatens to leave for five months. He degrades his wife giving her a continuous list of things she must do to keep him and telling her she is all the cause of his unhappiness. Unusual sexual demands are made, and he compares her body with other women. He never asks her what her needs are or how he could be a better husband. He can’t look her in the eye except when staring her down to intimidate her.

She is told by all who know her that her husband is cheating and she doesn’t believe it. She trusts him. Finally she realized she’s never asked him if he’s cheated or not. She realizes that she can’t really defend him any more unless she asks him and gets a response.

Wife: “Are you having an affair with a woman at work?”

Husband: “You thing I’m having an affair with Woman A?!! You are sick and crazy!” (Woman A weighs 300 lbs and he's a health nut.)

Wife: “No, NO! Not Woman A. Woman B!”

Husband: “You accuse me of having an affair with Woman A and B. Two women! You are so sick!” and he angrily leaves.

The wife, naively is reassured that her husband is not having an affair. Meanwhile her husband can now cry to his associates for sympathy for being married to a crazy nut who continually accuses him of having multiple affairs!

Later the wife boldly confronts her husband about sexual abuse.

Wife: “I’m not going to take that kind of treatment from a rapist.”

Husband: “You accuse everyone of rape. You accused your father of rape!”

Wife: “I’ve never accused anyone but you of raping me or anything like it.”

Husband: “The Bishop asked me if your father ever molested you.”

Wife: “I have never accused anyone of raping me but you. That was the bishop asking you a question. You are the only one who has ever raped me. And you know that.”

Now the husband can complain to his associates how his crazy wife runs around accusing multiple men of raping her. And how he got caught up in her crazy accusations. He can then publicly discount her statements.

Poor, poor man.

In the first situation, the wife's specific question allowed the husband to write off only an affair with, well, in this situation two woman. But the husbands response is not a misscommunication, but knowing redirection of the conversation. She obviously hit a nerve.

But here is the really funky part!

The husband continues the lies with his associates about his crazy wife. After his associates sympathize with him and tell him he should leave that nutty wife. He actually feels better about his treatment of his wife! He lies and accepts the advice giving on a lie. Does he come to actually believe in the very lies he tells, after he receives sympathy on it?

The husband then tells his wife everyone thinks she's crazy and he should leave her. Everyone hates her. Really? I wonder why!

2009-08-20T11:09:00.001-07:00

I forgot to mention in the Redirecting Guild article the effect guilt has on an abuser during counseling.

As abusers redirect their guilt and retaliate against their partner every time they are confronted by their conscience, going through abuse counseling can be traumatic for both parties.

I've heard plenty of stories and see it with my own eyes.

The abuser attends a counseling session that confronts his abusive nature. The abuser then comes home and takes his guilt out on his children and or partner in a dramatic episode.

Speak Up

2009-08-15T21:26:00.000-07:00

When I was little, I was a born tattle tale. I always told people what they were doing was wrong etc.

I was taught that was bad. I learned self control and to shut up that part of me. It was painful.

I tried to just set a good example and love instead.

Then I met my husband and married him. He did bad things.

I reminded myself that everyone has the light of Christ, their own conscience, and I believed he knew what he was doing was wrong, and I shut up. I thought his conscience would eventually stop him.

Then after waiting for him. And things got way, too bad, almost beyond repair.

After he left, my parents told me what his mother told them just before she died two months after we were married. “Mathew gets mean, and has to be told by others to stop and be nice.”

I believe he doesn’t have that part of the brain at all. I looked back at everything and realized that we were meant to be together, but that I wasn’t the me I was supposed to be.

I was supposed to be myself and speak up. I was born just right, there is a place for people like me.

Since then I’ve learned about brain damage impairing one’s ability to know right from wrong, and empathy, and yes he had many head injuries in his childhood.

But it was too late. He wouldn’t listen to me. Lots of bad things happened to me, and my children pay the price for my shutting up.

My daughter pays the price, I believe her disabilities are caused by the abuse before, during and after her birth.

I failed in the most important endeavor in my life, cuz I did not do what I’m programed to do.

We are all unique and sometimes because we don’t to the “righteous stuff” the way everyone else does we think we are bad.

Secret Abusers

2009-08-09T08:53:00.000-07:00

Advice to abused women and their families.

One of the biggest mistakes abused women make, is keeping it all secret.

Abusers thrive and love secrecy.

Shame, fear that if she speaks tells people he won’t forgive her, (yes, very funny, I know), intense loyalty, all keep her in silence.

But the sad thing is, most abusers especially those who only abuse in secret are obsessed with what people think of them.

She has to grow a very, very, big mouth.

Much abuse can be deterred, prevented, stopped etc., if the abuser knows she’s gonna blab it to EVERYONE.

I’ve always admired Ghandi. Yes, I thought by turning the other cheek and always showing him kindness no matter what he did would move him.

But Ghandi didn’t JUST turn the other cheek and always show kindness.

Ghandi spoke up!

Ghandi told the mean British soldiers what they were doing was wrong and why.

Ghandi told the media, the news outlets everything that was happening.

And when the news of the tragedies got back to England...

The English people were offended by the actions of their own government, and pressured the government to back down.

Speak up, be heard!

The families of abused women need to let the abuser know that they are listening to their daughter and sister, that they have faith in her word, and that they will take action if she’s abused.

One woman told me a story of how her husband was only a little abusive until her family told her husband they didn’t care what she thought or said. After that her husband’s abuse skyrocketed. He knew he could abuse her without anyone listening.

Two books families need to read, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans,

and “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.

Why do Women continue to have Sex with Abusive Partners?

2009-08-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

She knows it hurts.

She knows it degrades.

She knows he’s going to ask for things she doesn’t want to do.

But,

She also knows, he’ll be calmer afterward.

She knows he’ll be kinder to the children.

She knows he’ll be kinder to her.

She knows he seems a little more intelligent after.

She knows what every abused woman has known for eons.

She just has to get through the painful, degrading part.

She’s learned to effectively seduce her partner even if neither of them is in the mood out of survival.

Drs have performed SPECT scans on brains before and after, and found that the limbic system calms considerably.

When the limbic system is overactive, it’s like the librarian in you brain has PMS and files everything (time, emotion, perception.) in a very angry place.

Thank you Dr Amen, you just learned what women already know.

In a related thought, Lundy Bancroft wrote in "Why does he do that?" that women know that after her partner has a major rage episode, he is calmer and kinder.

Sometimes when an abused women sees her partner getting edgier and crueler, she will sometimes intentionally trigger an outburst from him, knowing he'll hurt her, but that the kind period will come sooner.

Redirecting Guilt

2009-07-02T10:55:00.000-07:00

While hurtful, I’ve always found this behavior fascinating because it’s completely out of my realm of prior understanding of human relationships.

This Event Model has repeated itself for years in abusive relationships in small conflicts, and major conflicts.

1. Abuser, being a normal human, makes a mistake.
2. Partner deals with it, is nice, just looks past the problem and forgives.
3. Abuser, being an Abuser, finds a reason to get angry with Partner and lashes out at him/her.

An explanations for this can be found in different behavior models. But which, if any accurately explain it?

In the Power Over Model, the abuser has lost power, and must regain it by belittling the Partner.

In the Agency and Accountability Model, the Abuser has not yet achieved a personal sense of his agency and personal accountability for his thoughts, emotions, words and actions. He doesn’t have a sense of how his feelings of guilt are his own. He doesn’t understand how he caused the negative emotions within himself, and must redirect the feelings of guilt to the person he believes has power over his emotions.

In simple terms, every time an abuser makes a mistake, he covers it up with one of hers. If she did not make a mistake, he will make one up.

This behavior is common among most abusers.

Situation 1
Many women tell of their husbands coming home after an unfaithful incident, and tear into their wife, telling her how it’s her fault he messed up. The unfaithful husband lectures the wife on how she can become the woman he won’t cheat on.

Situation 2
Even in a small conflict, he Abuser has redirected any negative emotions about his/her mistake to the Partner.

The Abuser has anger and guilt that has to be redirected elsewhere.

Women who live with this for an extended period of time eventually learn to downgrade every mistake the abuser makes, knowing that the anger she receives will be related to the degree of guilt he feels.

PTSD Treatment

2009-07-01T19:01:00.000-07:00

I’ve read a lot of posts from women suffering rape related PTSD. Many of these women have sought and received treatment for years from professionals for RR-PTSD, and still suffer every night when they try to sleep.

Medications, therapies, etc.

I’ve found temp solutions to the flashbacks and nightmares that work for me.

As I understand it, the flashbacks and nightmares represent an unsolved dilemma for the sufferer.

They represent a situation in which the sufferer felt powerless and emotionally, physically, and spiritually unable to solve the dilemma in the moment, with devastating consequences to themselves and others.

Like a song stuck in your head that won’t go away until you finish it. Sometimes my kids try to interrupt me when I sing a song, but I refuse to answer them until I finish it, cuz it’ll kill me if I don’t.

Or like a math problem that was never solved.

Imagine watching a movie that ends before the dilemma is resolved. I think we’d all hunt down the directors and writers!

My parents used to send me to bed on time, before the movies and tv shows resolved, ooh, that was torture!

You can drug someone all you want, but until the problem is solved, the flashbacks and nightmares will come back.

So for me, my solution was to look at the flashback as a problem to be solved, a story to be finished.

I asked myself,

“How can I prevent the same situation from happening again?”

“What could I do in the same situation in the future?”

“What can I do now to empower myself given the same situation?”

So I did the JLo “Enough” thing.

I took private martial arts lessons. I told the teacher the size and strengths of the man. I said I wanted to learn grappling. How to get out of wrist holds etc. How to deal with a man who is bigger, stronger and can run faster. He even brought in a woman for me to grapple with cuz he knew I’d freak grappling with a man.

I worked out my upper body. I now have biceps.

I change my environment to prevent any potential situation.

I educated myself on emotional abuse.

I strengthened myself emotionally so that he couldn’t verbally manipulate me into the same situation.

I prayed for protection and got it.

I embraced the Protection order and No contact order.

The last nightmare I had got his ass kicked.

For the triggers, I found happy places, gardening, flowers, yoga, zumba, friends, things to laugh at. Ways to redirect my thoughts.

But since I can’t go back in time to change the past, I can change the future. I can also help others change and overcome the same problem.

I accept that part of the pain will never go away. I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. The remaining pain serves as a motivator to make a difference in the lives of others.

A part of me is afraid that if I let the last of the pain leave, I’ll grow soft and forget, and loose my mojo for helping others.

Pain is a motive for change and improvement.

Pain can be a good thing.

Addressing the acquired guilt of the situation?

Accepting that we are not responsible for the thoughts, words and actions of others.

Accepting that we did the best given what we knew at the time.

Recognizing that the solutions we understand now were not present in our inexperienced minds during the events.

When I see others solving the same challenges in the same flawed way, I say

“Hey I used to have that very same problem and tried to solve it in the very same way. But I couldn’t fix it until I did this instead. You might want to try it.”

And so any personal guilt is resolved in helping others through the same conflict.

Do you eat your wounded?

2009-07-01T10:50:00.000-07:00

Do you help or do you dispose of those with inadequacies?

How do you or your husband respond when you see inadequacies in each other.

Okay, you had a crappy day. Your husband comes home. Your house is a mess. Your hair is a mess. The kids are going nuts. A stack of urine soaked sheets are still sitting in the laundry room unwashed. A stack of unfolded laundry covers the living room couch.

How does your husband respond.

Does he walk in to “his space” and shut the door behind him?

Does he give you that, “You’re useless look.” Then tear into you?

Does he say “Poor me, look what you did to me.”

Does he look at you sympathetically, sense your struggle, filled with compassion step into the kitchen and start washing dishes? (Yes these men really do exist, I've heard many rumors about them.)

Ether Chapter 12
26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness;
27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness.

When we share our weaknesses with Christ, he helps make up the difference. When Christ sees weaknesses in others, he lifts them up. He helps.

When we see weaknesses in others we can emulate our Savior or the Other Guy by doing one of three things.

1. Say, “It sucks for you.” And walk away.

2. Gloat in your own superiority. Mock them and realize that someone as superior as yourself should not be forced to associate with such a loser.

3. See it as an opportunity to show your love and serve others. See it as an opportunity for your heart to be filled with love compassion and a desire to serve.

How does your partner respond when he sees weakness in others?

Once the oh, la, la feeling of the beginning of your romance is past, you will be treated the same way.

The way your partner responds to you in a crisis can define a marriage.

If they are cruel in response,

you have to work harder to cover up or make up for your weaknesses
if you can't work hard enough, it can lead to dishonesty
when you need them most, they will crush and dispose of you
your confidence is destroyed

If they are kind and helpful in response,

you feel peace, love and compassion
you know you can share more of yourself and your weaknesses with them
you have no fear of honesty
you have confidence in yourself and your relationship

Not only that, what goes around comes around.

You and your partner are one. You share in success, failures, trials, and hopes. Thus you and your children will get what the universe has to offer your partner.

If you partner is a selfish jerk who serves no one but himself, you may find yourself and your children, and your partner stranded on a dead boat in the middle of a hot lake and no one will come help you, cuz karma is payback. Cuz his karma, is your karma.

If your partner is filled with compassion and serves freely, when the universe rewards your partner, you and your children are rewarded too.

Lack of compassion can poison every part of your relationship.

One who does not feel compassion, cannot comprehend it as a motive in others. When you show compassion, since they cannot comprehend it, they will see other motives for your compassionate acts.

The Savior, Jesus Christ is the ultimate source of compassion. But he leaders of his society were motivated by power and control. These leaders saw Jesus Christ as a competitive leader. They saw Christ's following. Since their first priority was gaining followers, they saw every action of Jesus Christ as merely ways to gain power over others. Thus the more compassionate and valiant Jesus Christ was, the more manipulative the leaders believed Christ was.

Thus the more Compassionate and helpful Jesus Christ was, the greater threat he was, and the more he deserved to be crucified in the eyes of the corrupt leaders.

So a compassionate individual paired with a uncompassionate individual in leading a family or society, well it doesn't always work. The compassionate individual just tells themselves that the uncompassionate individual will eventually learn how wonderful and addictive compassion is. Sometimes this is true.

But far too often, the uncompassionate individual comes to believe that the compassionate has the same motives of power and control. This is the case in most abusive situations. That's when things get really bad.

Stockholm Syndrome in Abused Women

2009-06-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

I would love to impress you all with my wonderful writing on Stockholm Syndrome. But someone else has already written a wonderful clear article on it.

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html

If you have a daughter, mother, or sister currently in an abusive situation, please, please, please, read this.

Stockholm syndrome in an intense overwhelming, unbreakable loyalty from the abused to the abuser. You see it on "Cops" when a bruised wife viciously defends her partner from the police.

One other comment, in LDS families, the family is considered eternal, and many women mistakenly believe that means they have to stay with an abusive husband. I believe LDS women have an increased risk for Stockholm Syndrome in abusive marriages due to the idea of eternal families.

Don't get me wrong, eternal families are wonderful, it's just when the doctrine of eternal families is misapplied that greater damage is done.

Abuse, Work Hard, not Smart

2009-06-27T15:15:00.001-07:00

I will forever marvel at the man who gathers his children warmly about himself, gives them tender kisses and words of love, then turns to the mother of his children, and gives her spite, cruelty , degrading words, and carries within himself the illusion that he is a good, loving righteous father.

These sights remind me of a couple I once knew. They loved their little boy dearly. The dotted on him as though he were the very son of God. As they both worked full time, the couple employed a nanny. Many times I was shocked by how degrading their manner was toward their nanny. Didn't they understand when their backs were turned, the nanny was the one in care of their child. A child receives their happiness or sorrow from their primary care giver.

If a father loves his children and has the slightest clue as to human nature and physics he should demonstrate the utmost kindness to his children's mother, and lift her up. In order for the mother of his children to provide a caring, nurturing environment for her children, she needs to be emotionally and physically strong.

Every time, he digs at their mother, tearing her down, he is destroying his children's world. So many mothers have to strengthen their hearts, bind them up, and turn to their children, and as an demonstration of love to them, refuse to pass on the abuse to the children.

Don't these men understand that you can't abuse a woman without abusing her children. Emotionally or physically. It's just another way of burning down the home your children are sleeping in.

One of the hardest things I've had to deal with, is having my husband beat the living crap out of my soul, to stand up afterward, wrap up my ravaged heart, and lovingly care for my children despite everything that just happened to me.

I felt like I had to be an impenetrable fortress for my children. Sometimes it was so hard as he always knew the most painful hurtful things he could do or say, and he was completely willing to say or do anything, even when I wasn't willing to retaliate.

The hardest part as a mother of feeling your soul break down, is knowing your soul needs to be strong for your children. Knowing you have less to give to them.

Motherhood is one of life's most challenging tasks and mothers need all the strength they can get.

If a man wants to build up his children, he must also build up the mother of his children. Otherwise, he may work hard, but not smart. He working against himself.

Father's need to remember to honor the mother of their children, they need it.

Families of Abusers

2009-06-27T15:14:00.002-07:00

Conscience Impairment. (CI)

The prefrontal cortex of our brain, is where doctors claim our conscience sets. Any Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) can severely damage this section, especially in early childhood. Just as we can loose our hearing and eyesight, we can loose our Conscience through no fault of our own. Those without a functioning Conscience are often referred to as sociopaths. Sociopaths have no sense of right or wrong. They do have a sense of their own personal needs and wants, and this replaces their conscience. However one of the basic needs of the Sociopathic form of Conscience Impairment is social respect. They want people to love them, and will conform to the social dictates of who they are with to achieve that affection. The Conscience Impaired will conform instantly to the morals of whomever they are with. Just as the blind need guide dogs, and the deaf need closed captioning, lip reading, and sign language, or prosthetics, the Conscience Impaired need others to provide a conscience. They use the people around them as sort of a prosthetic conscience. Depending on the degree of Conscience Impairment, if the people around them have high moral standards, the Conscience Impaired, will be guided by them, and can even make it to heaven. Believe it or not. However if the Conscience Impaired is surrounded by those with a low moral code, or those who turn a blind eye, and allowed secrecy, the Conscience Impaired will wreck havoc. There is no cure for these forms of Conscience Impairment, only management.

Unfortunately, the Conscience Impaired make the cover up of their disability a full time job, and few are aware of their condition. They crave secrecy. Usually by the time you figure come to understand them, you ve been literally raped robbed, or even murdered. The Conscience Impaired feel no remorse or guilt. They may be upset or ashamed when discovered but they have no remorse for hurting others. Others often mistake no conscience with a clear conscience. Because they appear the same. The Conscience Impaired interact confidently and sweetly, and are even charming. There is no way to read them. They can lie without any flinching.

The Conscience Impaired depend on secrecy or privacy to get away with cruelty. They are severely secretive as it is necessary to maintain dual realities. The Conscience Impaired will only commit cruelty if allowed secrecy. They only act out when they can get away with it.

While most people advise running from the Conscience Impaired, it's not always possible. By the time you figure out they have no conscience, it's too late. The family of the Conscience Impaired makes the difference of how honest, and fulfilling the life of the Conscience Impaired can be. The family is strategically best suited for managing the individual with Conscience Impairment.

Their are four kinds of Families of Abusers in times of personal crisis I would like to look at. Yes there are more varieties than these, but for the sake of my limited knowledge, I will focus on only these four. The individual members of the abusers family may fall in to separate categories creating a interesting Family Ensemble. If the abuser is Conscience Impaired, each family can make a huge difference. Because most of the Conscience Impaired are not caught by the Civil Justice System, the family is the last line of defense.

A. The Actively Involved Family. The Actively Involved Family (AIF) participates in many aspects of each members life. Beyond birthdays and special occasions. They talk several days a week to each member and know what is happening in each others lives. They are nosey and may be very annoying. This family is actively involved in helping each other through the regular adversities and joys of life. The potential for hidden abuse is lessened but not completely eliminated in this family. The AIF may not be nice, or beautiful, charming or tactful. They may even be a bit mean, but they do have an idea what is happening in the family and just knowing that the family of a potential abuser knows what is going on eliminates secrecy, and can be one of many deterrents of more severe abuse.

B. The Passive Family with Integrity (PFwI). The PFwI are not involved enough to deter serious or fatal abuse and personal crisis, but when confronted with the reality of their family members abuses and crimes, the PFwI take the time to learn the truth, then stand up for the truth and their daughter-in-law or sister-in-law. The PFwI will tell the abuser they need help, encourage the abuser to repair and pay for their crimes, attend anger management and church, go to prison, and seek protection for the abused and even provide aid to the abused wife themselves if necessary.

While abuse can and does happen in this family, as with the Mark Hacking family, the PFwI steps up to the plate to a swifter resolution of the crisis. The brothers of Mark Hacking confronted Mark to find out the truth. And though it took time, Mark Hacking provided the information to the police to find Lori Hacking's body. Mark Hacking eventually plead guilty and the nation watched a relatively quick resolution. While Lori died, at least her family heard the truth in the end. The PFwI understand and believe in the process of personal repentance or reformation. The PFwI understands it is better for society and their brother or son to pay for their crimes now, and even possibly reform, than to smooth it over and let their brother eventually face God without any prior attempted resolution.

C. The Family of Solidarity (FoS). The FoS protect their own without regard to others. They have no idea what happening between the abusive husband and his wife. The FoS do not care what the truth is. They may take a superficial glance at what is happening in the abusive situation in order to tell themselves they know what is happening and justify the abuser. Abusers in this family do what they want without regard for the truth, then manipulate the truth to justify themselves. If their families are ignorant enough, the perpetrators don't even need a portion of the truth, they can fabricate complete lies to justify their brutality without question from their families. If the abused wife turns to them for help, they will defend their brother/son to the bitter end. The FoS will mock, belittle, reprimand and simply be annoyed by the abused wife's cries for help. They believe they are strong by standing up for the abuser to the point of blind ignorance. They may consider the abused wife's cries for help as mere slander, and defend their Family Name . Some may consider ignoring the wife's cries for help as righteous because they are above listening to such filth or participating in ugly squabbling.

The Scott Peterson family is a prime example. They believed in their son/brother to the bitter end. The Peterson families denial of reality perpetuated the crisis for years as the nation watched the trial of Lacy Peterson's murderer run on and on.

These families live without loyalty to principles of a true code of honor to a higher law, but to the law of self. They follow the false principle of If you want to do it, feel compelled to do it, than it must be right. This is a terrible principle to teach the Conscience Impaired. Everyone feels compelled to do things that are wrong at times. If we fail to recognize that they are wrong, we need those around us to correct the Conscience Impaired.

D. Last but certainly not least, we have the Manson Family Values, (MFV). The MFV doesn't care about why or if, but will even help justify murder of the abused wife and even provide a sock to shut up her annoying cries of help, and hand the husband a shovel. They follow the three's s, Shoot, Shovel, and Shut up.

The Manson Family Values family is like the wolves in the forests of Idaho. Happy little families take their cherished dogs camping with them. If the dog is off the leash, the wolves will cheerfully call for Fifi. The wolves will send a female ready to mate to lure the family dog to play. After the beloved family pet Fifi joins the wolf pack to play, the wolves may play a little. But in the end, they turn on the innocent happy dog and eat it.

But the good news is. Despite how overwhelming it feels during the crisis of abuse, there is a God. When the Laws of Men fail, and families fail, the Universe has laws of physics and truth and justice that cannot be denied. Each of these families will eventually get their true reward by acts of God. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This law of physics applies to all aspects of the Universe. Where and when justice is denied by man, sit back and watch. It may take time, and insane patience but the Justice of the Universe can be quite eloquent. And if you let the Universe provide it, rather than taking things in your own hands, the punishment is better that what you could ever come up with, and your hands are clean of any crime. If you want to, God is still the God of the Old Testament, and you can even give suggestions. God has declared, Vengeance is mine . When God executes justice, He makes sure it's done right.

Another resource for managing the Conscience Impaired, is church. Yes Church. Many people are shocked and horrified when they find out Brother Smith rapes little boys. How could a man so sweet, so faithful, so doctrinally intelligent be so bad. The church must be false.

Organized religion provides a great place for the Conscience Impaired to learn correct behavior. The Conscience Impaired has a need to fit in. And Organized Religion provides a way for the Conscience Impaired to learn every moral code to fit it. The Conscience Impaired are attracted to church, because most people who attend are trusting and loving and earnestly seeking good, and it lends them respectability. They would never know what is lurking behind the Conscience Impaired charming smile.

While it seems sick, Church provides a list or right and wrong, social training, sometimes a small degree of monitoring. The Conscience Impaired's ultimate goal is fitting in and hiding their lack of conscience. As long as the Conscience Impaired is kept focused on fitting in, in a public environment they can be kept in line (at least a little).

However, the serious drawback to the church going Conscience Impaired is too many innocent willing victims. Active church attenders need to use common sense. They need to avoid the pitfalls of assuming righteousness by appearance, and follow basic rules of personal and family safety. Regular church attendance by someone else is no excuse to soften the rules you live by that protect you. The Conscience Impaired need to attend church, if we follow personal safety guidelines taught in Elementary school, with everyone, it's not a problem.

And always remember sisters, if you see Brother Bundy with a broken leg, trying to get his groceries into his VW Bug in a dark secluded section of the parking lot, call a Brother from church to help him out, don't help him yourself.

When can you accept an abusive husband back into your home?

2009-06-27T15:14:00.001-07:00

This essay is for the many pathetic women who still love abusive men despite everything they do to you.

If he's really willing to overcome it, and you are willing to stand up to him, and he takes it, maybe. Remember Jacob worked 7 years for Rachel, actually 14, you deserve the same.

Honey, if you want him back, and you want the happiness you deserve, stand up to him. Be strong. Make him face reality. If he can't take it, all his charm is meaningless and self deception. If he runs away when you stand up to him, it simply means he was just going to hurt you again anyway. Realizing they may leave you, can be the hardest part of standing up to someone you love.

Maybe his return can be considered if;

A. He has a family who will stand up to him and kick his hiney.
B. He admits to everything,
C. He attends extended counseling with a counselor who knows the truth.
D. Respects your hurt, and validates it, and works to repair it.
E. Serves his time and pays his debt to society if necessary.
F. You can stand up to him, maintain your own identity, and he respects you.
G. You can tell him no without him flying into a rage.
H. You must be separated for at least a 6 months, a year is better.
I. He tells the people he's lied to the truth.
J. He has to respect your faith.

Then you can consider it. After abuse has entered a relationship, it's pretty challenging to eradicate. Because of the personal risk involved, you have to be emotionally strong enough to demand all of this.

He has to change an come to understand how amazing you are.

You have to change and realize how valuable you are, and be strong enough to demand the respect you deserve.

Once you realized how amazing you are, it becomes more difficult to impress you.

Unfortunately so many women love their husband so much. They desperately want to see their family together in peace. They quickly forget how abuse is passed on to the children. How vulnerable they are. They forget so quickly how their husband loved how helpless she was against him.

It's so easy and tempting to just take the man back, and forget everything as though it never happened. After years of emotional and personal investment of nurturing, it seems impossible to give up for some women.

For some women, walking away from the relationship can hurt as much as the relationship itself. It can leave such a huge void in her soul. Every woman I have met who has allowed him to return prematurely, has suffered immeasurably. But they don't care, they just settle for the illusion of a family.

One friend was beaten until she couldn't get up again when her baby was only 5 weeks old. She was helpless for several days. Within a week she took him back. Too many stories to list.

So Sisters, remember that the Almighty God loves you. He doesn't want you to suffer. Your feelings are valid, and of worth to God. God does not expect you to stay, or risk your own emotional well being for another.

Recovery from an abusive marriage can take as long as the marriage itself.

Integrity in Relationships

2009-06-27T15:13:00.001-07:00

A dishonest man married to an honest, intelligent woman, is the most miserable man on the planet. It's too much work, stress, and emotional fatigue for him keeping his wife in place and blind to the truth.

He believes that nothing can bring him more joy than leaving that awful woman and finding a woman who loves illusions, and never ask questions. At least for a while.

Sadly, true love is found when you can put the entire truth on the table, and still be loved. The joy, true peace and relief that come from honesty and true unconditional love are immeasurable.

I enjoyed a breakfast years ago with an older couple. It was the man's second wife. Being young and even more naive than I am now, before the breakfast, I thought, How amazing it is, that this man with such a checkered, unfaithful past, of 21 years of cheating, found a woman willing to marry him, and take a chance on him. How much he must really love and appreciate her for all she was willing to risk on him.

At the breakfast it was disturbing to see how poorly he treated her. As I looked on them, I realized, he lied to her about who he was. She had no idea. No one in his family ever bothered to warn wife number two. The man treated her as though she was unworthy of him. After years of marriage, it seemed to me that he then hated her for her ignorance.

I m sure that when they first married, he was delighted with his love for her, and her love for him. I looked at her and saw that her love for him was real and deep. I was sad because I knew that if he told the truth, she would still love him, it would be hard, but she would forgive him. The wife already invested so much in him. But his fears and conditional love held him back.

Every time she told him she loved him, her words fell as invalid. He never told her the truth. She didn't know who he really was, because of his lies. Thus in the end, her words of love simply built his anger and resentment toward her.

He was too blind and ignorant to see she could really love him unconditionally if he would just tell her the truth. He eventually found comfort from a waitress and left his wife.

When you establish a relationship on lies, it brings temporary joy and leads to disaster.

The first reason some one lies to build a relationship, is to impress in a world where love is conditional. They believe they have to lie to be loved. They cannot love unless the other meets certain criteria, and expect the same from others.

A dishonest man is happiest (from his range of happiness) when those around him love him for this lies, never question him, believe in him and never check anything.

But sadly, in the end everything he has work on amounts to nothing.

I man I knew lied on his application under pressure, to enter a prestigious graduate school. Just before his graduation, his wife found out. She was devastated. When she heard him defend his application, and try to convince her the experience he claimed on it was true, and saw how comfortable he was in the deception, she began to wonder how many lies she had been told. While he was thrilled to get in, after graduation, he expressed how disappointed he was at the lack of joy in his graduation. After graduation, he had to continue the lies in applying for work. This led to more dissatisfaction and stress in the marriage. Of course the marriage ended.

Why waste time lying to build futile relationships and achievements that can only end in grief.

How sad that these men may never know the true happiness that can only come from a life of integrity.

In comparison the joy these men could have felt if they told the truth. The graduate degree would have been real, the love would have been real. They deprived themselves of meaningful relationships and accomplishments.

Nurturing Souls

2009-06-27T15:12:00.002-07:00

Many are often shocked to find an otherwise healthy and strong woman in an abusive situation and wonder why and how this happens.

This women is a nurturer. She has nurtured her own soul, conquered herself to find joy in the world.

She meets a man who seems to be so close to winning. He's almost conquered himself. She finds great pleasure and joy in watching and taking part in the nurturing of other's souls. She sees how beautiful he is. She wants him to win his inner battles. She wants to be a part of this great battle.

She sees his behavior change from kind and loving, to mean and cruel, and believes she is watching an inner battle of self being waged. She wants him to win the good fight. She sees the worth of his soul, and feels the battle is worth the wages.

This loving, nurturing woman joins the man in his own personal battle as a loving friend and wife.

But she doesn't understand his swift mood changes from kind to cruel, are not representative of an internal battle over self, but merely manipulative behaviors, designed to gain power over others.

He is not battling over self control, but dominating the souls and hearts of others.

In the end, she finds herself in a painful powerless position having lost herself serving him, loving him, sacrificing for him, in the illusion he will be moved by her love to win.

But their is no battle within him. His heart is not moved. There is no battle to be won. She will lose everything in a quest that never was.

And the devil will rejoice in the crumbling of another soul, that was once previously strong.

Her whole life, her great quest to save her husband, is nothing but a lie.

The First obstacle a Woman faces with Spousal Rape Prosecution

2009-06-27T15:12:00.001-07:00

She lays for a moment, confused about what just happened. He rolls over and gives one last sigh, lays firmly on his back, closes his eyes and falls asleep.

She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath for a moment. She sits up and slowly walks into the bathroom.

What just happened? What should she do? She knows she's not supposed to take a shower. Every woman knows that. Don't take a shower. But it will feel so comforting. What difference does taking a shower make anyway? They are married. What's the point of a kit.

She thinks for a moment, should she go to the doctor to get that pill. She can shower while she decides.

When a woman is in control of her life, of her surroundings, she takes a bath. But this is one of those occasions, a shower is the only option. The thought of the warm soothing water running over her, leads her to turn on the water, undress, and step in.

One last time, before it's too late, "Don't take a shower. Go to the hospital. She hears in her head.

"But it wasn't rape, he is my husband. It's not like that."

Why didn't he listen? She told him earlier that month that the medication and immunization the doctor gave her could cause serious birth defects, that she didn't want to get pregnant at that time. She told him she was ovulating. She always told him when she was ovulating. She pushed him off twice and told him to use protection. He told her she didn't need protection. He told her she was not ovulating. He thought he knew better. He never did that before. He didn't know how the medication would affect the symptoms of ovulation. Why now? Why did he ignore her when it mattered the most?

She curses her weak little arms, and pledges to work out more. If only she could have strong enough to pushed him off more forcefully.

As the hot water runs over, her she stands as a million thoughts paralyze her. She stares at the soap scum on the shower door.

She thinks of her friend's little baby boy with birth defects. His funny shaped face and body. She thinks of all the care and love her friend gives her disabled boy, the work, the need for meticulous care of the child. Can she live up to that? She thinks of the family she knows caring for their adult son lying in bed watching Disney, who took medication the doctor claimed was safe when he was 9 months old. Is she capable of that kind of overwhelming care for up to 35 years?

What just happened? She doesn't mind the lack of power in her relationship with her husband. She doesn't need power. She just wants him to take better care at more informed decisions. She just wants him to consider her a little when he makes those decisions. "I guess he wants to be the one to decide when I'm ovulating?" She tells herself. But he doesn't know about all the other symptoms. I guess he's decided to be the one to determine my cycle.

He decides what she likes. He decides what she doesn't like. If she tries to tell him not to do something, he holds her wrists and does it anyway. She tells him what hurts, but he does it anyway, it's his favorite position. She grips the sheets in pain and waits it out. She wishes he wouldn't do that. She wishes he would listen.

What should she do now? If she goes to the emergency room to take that pill, what will they ask her? How does she explain to the doctor that he forced her, but it wasn't really rape? It wasn't like that.

She doesn't have any bruises. She's not bleeding. Don't rape victims have bruises? It's not rape.

Should she terminate the inevitable pregnancy? What will her baby suffer through? She didn't like the way her friend forced her disabled infant to live through so many invasive surgeries. Should she make the same choice?

Her religion teaches her that if she's raped or the baby has serious birth defects it's okay to terminate the pregnancy. But it wasn't really rape, it was her husband. And she doesn't really know if the baby will be okay or not.

She thinks of the surgery she needs to have. She knows she'll have to wait to take care of the surgery. Nine months plus an extra six months after the delivery. That's when she can have the surgery. Since she didn't have the surgery, both she and the baby will be at risk. Her teeth? The dentist can't do those procedures on pregnant women. She can't take care of that. It will have to wait. Her body, she wanted to physically prepare it for pregnancy first.

For merely half a second she considers that maybe she should go in to the ER. A gentle voice from within says, "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability."

She leans against the shower wall. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"

She closes her eyes. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"

Can she end that?

She decides can not to go in to take the pill.

How will she tell him? She knows she can't talk to him about what happened. She's used to waiting to talk to him about her concerns. She's been waiting for years. Will he accept a child with a disability? Will he get mad at her and somehow blame her for getting pregnant? She should have pushed him away a third time, but he was so strong. He would have been angry with her.

She feels sad for him. He's going to feel so bad when he realizes what he did. His actions brought disability to his own child.

She commits to never condemn him for what he did. She must forgive him. She thinks of them together 20 years later, taking care of a special needs adult, and commits, even then, Even after I m exhausted, I will not show or feel anger. I will forgive him.

At least the child will be born into a loving family. She tells herself.

She silently prays to God. She asks God to forgive her husband for what he did to her, and her child.

God's answer was bold and shocking.

"No."

Confused, she asks the Lord to forgive him again.

"No."

She can't comprehend the answer. It's too much for her mind to grasp.

"Natalie, your submission to your husband's abuse has brought harm to your child. It's not just a sin against you, it's a sin against your child, you don't have the right to ask me that."

She shakes off the thought and blocks it out. It is too much.

What she doesn't understand, is that pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times for battered women.

What she doesn't understand, is that she is a battered woman.

What she doesn't understand, is that she doesn't have a loving family.

Abusers need control over their partner. Pregnancy is a threat to that power and control.

Pregnancy increases the risk of domestic violence.

The woman will have to put her body first. She will have to prepare for someone other than him in her life. She will have to think about someone else. He will lose a measure of control over her.

But most of all, for 9 months and after, her body will not be completely his.

He will not be happy that she is pregnant.

He will not accept responsibility for his actions.

He will not be there to comfort and help her as her child lays in intensive care.

He will not be there to comfort and support them at night as she holds her child during a seizure.

He will not be there to provide love and comfort during medical procedures.

He will blame her.

He will punish her.

Her body, her mind, and her baby, and her other children are at risk.

Her nightmare is only beginning.

She turns off the shower, dries her body, puts on her pajamas, and climbs into bed.

She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath.

When a man rapes a woman, he rapes her body.

When a husband rapes his wife, he rapes her soul.

Jesus Christ and Herod Antipas, the ultimate Power Couple

2009-06-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

Part 1

Jesus Christ

I ve always been fascinated by the relationship of Herod Antipas, Jesus Christ, and John the Baptist. Herod and Jesus were married, or co-parenting Israel. Herod had physical stewardship over the Israelites, Jesus had spiritual stewardship.

Herod and Jesus are the Ultimate example of the Power Over versus Personal Power in a marriage relationship explained by Patricia Evans in The Verbally Abusive Relationship .

Of course Jesus and Herod's relationship became a little too physically abusive, but the nature of their relationship problems with each other, were the same as in many marriages.

I d like to talk about how I understand the life and existence of Jesus Christ and how if affected his relationship with Herod.

Jesus was all powerful. By his word the earth was created. Everything that is on the earth, was created by and through him. Through him all mankind may be saved. By his word, the very earth will be burned. Jesus had power over his own body. Jesus had the power to heal the sick, raise the dead, and forgive sins.

Despite whatever veil covered his mind at birth, by the time Jesus and Herod met face to face, Jesus had at least some remembrance of who he, himself was.

How did Jesus obtain power in his lifetime?

The Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke tell of Jesus first receiving the ordinance of Baptism by John the Baptist. Then Jesus went camping. Our Lord fasted and prayed in the desert for 40 days. During this time, he focused on overcoming himself. He placed his body under the dominion of his spirit.

The Adversary came and tempted him. Jesus was tempted to turn a stone into bread, but Jesus recognized their is more to life than bread. Jesus was tempted to establish himself as ruler of the earth by leaping off a building to bring angels to save himself. But Jesus knew this is not the way to establish leadership roles. The adversary tempted Jesus worship and serve the him to gain power over the earth. The adversary had been here on earth many years, and knew his way around pretty well. But Jesus knew he should only serve the Lord God the Father.

As soon as Jesus conquered himself, he returned to find out that John the Baptist was imprisoned.

Jesus announced his cause in the synagogue on the sabbath day, He hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor, he hath sent me to heal the broken hearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of the sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.

As soon as Jesus was followed by a multitude, he preached the Sermon on the Mount. The Sermon on the Mount gives us a pretty good guess at what the Savior pondered on his journey in the wilderness.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaved.
Blessed are ye when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heave, for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

Jesus then when on to teach principles of overcoming selfish desires, selfish angers, selfish vengeance.

Jesus taught his followers to take the next step in evolution. The mosaic law was given to the weak hearted. The Savior taught the next level.

Domination of self. Build your soul, reinforce it, then build the souls of others. The ultimate power over self. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despite fully use you, and persecute you.

Jesus taught us how to gain complete power over ourselves, the first step in allowing the spirit of God to enter our hearts.

Jesus taught us to make our hearts our own, so we man in turn offer it to God, who can guide us and support us in nurturing others, and bringing others to understand their own divine potential.

Jesus then goes on in his ministry, healing, teaching, and caring.

Every fiber of his being, was to use his power to nurture, love and heal others. His power was in service.

His being was motivated by love. I came down from heaven, not to do mine own will, but the will of him that sent me... And this is the will of him that sent me, that every one which seeth the Son, and believe on him, may have everlasting live, and I will raise him up at the last day.

I personally believe Jesus's love was motivated in part by a remembrance of who he was, and a remembrance of who we were, as we stood in his presence with God before our birth in the great council.

Jesus had a sense of the worth of each of our souls, and his knowledge of that worth, filled him with a divine and powerful love. His love could be felt by many, but not those who sought Power Over. A lust for Power Over, blinds the souls of men and women, disables them from ever knowing true love of others or God. For Jesus Christ, the primary purpose of power is to lift up others.

Individuals who see power in this light, and have faith in God, are not threatened by the power of others. They have power over themselves, the ability to serve, that is all they need. They look to God and his teachings on how to live their life, so there is no fear or need to protect themselves from others seeking power over them.

Herod Antipas exemplified the blind ignorance of Power over.

Herod Antipas was a powerful man in his pathetic little dominion, barely the size of Rhode Island. Herod Antipas had to fight fiercely for his dominion. Herod Antipas lived a live devoted to obtaining power over others, without any power over self. His life quest for power over others, left him devoid of true strength, devoid of true love, and devoid of true happiness. That quest left Herod Antipas incapable of comprehending the nurturing Jesus Christ.

Those who seek power over, as Herod Antipas sought, live in perpetual fear of others gaining power over them, as they have no true power over self. Every decision they make, is determined by gaining power over others, or escaping perceived power from others.

Through John the Baptist, then Jesus Christ, little Herod Antipas would be given the opportunity to experience the supreme love of the Savior. Herod Antipas would be given the opportunity to escape his life of fear of power, and suffering.
Posted by SweetFinds at 10:51 PM 0 comments
Labels: abuse, domestic violence, Herod, Jesus Christ, power

A Meek answer Turneth away Wrath.

2009-06-27T15:09:00.001-07:00

A meek answer turneth away wrath. A meek answer turneth away wrath. A meek answer turneth away wrath. These words rolled over and over again silently in my mind as I sat curled tightly and safely in a ball, shaking, the tears running down my cheeks. Why was he still yelling? I do everything, I work my butt off, and you do nothing! He screamed. I watched from the corner of my eye with my head tucked in, as he threw his prized laptop across the room. Bits, wires, plastic components bounced off the broken closet door and fell to the ground. The children were in the other room. Could our neighbors below hear him? I was scared they would call the police. I apologized to him. Knowing all the while, he wasn't really mad at me. He frequently took his anger to himself, out on me.

We had just returned from tithing settlement. We didn't pay a full tithe that year. We were $400 short. Tithing was the one bill he paid personally. He hated his job loading trucks. He put in 15-20 miserable hours a week providing for us. I knew it was a great sacrifice for him to take time away from his schooling to provide for us and was very careful with every penny. Since tithing is a sacrifice, I felt it was important for me to let him write the tithing check each month. On the way home from tithing settlement there was silence. I felt bad for him. I forgave him for not paying for our family faithfully. I didn't say a word. Then he asked, When was the last time you balanced the check book? Six months. It wasn't like there was anything to balance, we lived on 1.3k a month. My heart filled with fear as I realized he found a way to pin responsibility on me.

I continued shaking curled up on the bed, crying as he screamed. His voice was deep and threatening. He didn't stop. He went on, and on, and on. Why couldn't he see he was hurting me? Why didn't he stop?

I hoped if I submitted myself to him and apologized, he would feel bad for what he did. I believed his own conscience would work on him. The yelling lasted a long time. He didn't stop.

The next day I was still shaking. For three days I shook. The shaking just wouldn't stop. Something deep inside of me died. I loved him so much. He was my best friend, everything to me. I tried hard to please him. I wanted him to be happy. He seemed inclined to continual anger and spite.

The next day, I though he probably felt sorrow for his prior actions. As I sat at the computer, entering the data from our check book I wondered how remorseful he must have felt. It's hard to type when your hands are trembling. He came in the room. In a warm forgiving way, he sat down behind me in my chair. He put his arms around me as I typed.

He had benevolently forgiven me.

Later he related to his friends on how he felt sorrow for his temper. He told his friend he destroyed his precious laptop in a temper tantrum, and how he regretted the loss of his laptop.

Why is it some people cannot see they are hurting someone, and continue on to hurt? How is it they cannot see the pain in your eyes?

Sometimes, when someone is challenged and in pain themselves, they fail to see how much others are in pain and suffering. My husband was overwhelmed by his challenges, but had no clue how overwhelming my challenges as a mother were.

Some are moved by the unwillingness of others to fight back, some see it as a weakness.

Rape-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (RR-PTSD)

2009-06-27T15:08:00.001-07:00

This morning was peaceful and pleasant. I planted some cucumbers, and some other plant I can't pronounce or spell. It has pretty little flowers, doesn't require too much water or good soil. It's supposed to chase away the squash bugs that destroyed my huge cucumber, cantaloupe, and pumpkin plants last summer. I planted some pansies too.

My older daughter stayed home today, she wanted to read C.S. Lewis's Prince Caspian. I stole it from her when she wasn't looking. I sat down in my little garden room in the warm sun and began to read.

Fauns, dwarfs, and little aggressive mice. Four little children, two boys, two girls on a wonderful adventure in a far away world. I was surprised by how much of the story I forgot.

Suddenly, as I m reading, disgusting images fill my mind. I feel like vomiting, my face writhes in disgust. I feel sick inside as I remember and I experience a full body cringe. Shaking my head briskly, I just put it out of my mind, and go back to reading. I finished the book and returned it to my daughter.

I went outside, adjusted my apple tree, and sorted through my summer vegetable seeds. My daughter and I left to raid the stores of their discount seed racks.

Rape-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (RR-PTSD)

Sometimes it takes a while for RR-PTSD to develop. Sometimes it's instant. There are many phases, symptoms, and challenges those of us who suffer from it face.

Redirecting my thoughts is a key to survival and functioning.

When my mind was suddenly overcome with a grotesque memory, I went back to business as quickly as I could. I found things of beauty. I planted something I valued in the hopes of something good coming from them.

I went back to my life, my garden, my children.

In the past, those flashbacks used to completely disable me. I could feel the complete shame, degradation, physical pain, his eyes, hear every word he spoke, the confusion.

Most people can't understand why spousal rape is harder to recover from than stranger rape. With spousal rape, the man who took pleasure in degrading you is the same man who lifted you up and spun you over his head in romantic joy while dating.

He's the man you sacrificed for. He's the man who covenanted to love and protect you. In the LDS church, he's your eternal companion. Your children are bound to him.

You have a need to work things out, help him overcome his weaknesses.

At the same time, you are overwhelmed with fear, shame, and inescapable powerlessness.

With spousal rape, you live in the world of the rapist. They define your life. Because he defines your world, you have to help him get better, so your own world can get better. He replaces both God and self.

Until you escape.

I watched a PBS special on a woman who was raped by two strangers. After they were sentenced, years later she had to attend their parole hearings once a year to plead for the prison not to release them. It showed how much it traumatized her each year.

Man, that's nothing. Few spousal rapists are ever convicted, caught or reported. Countless women cope and share children with the man who raped them. These women live in a split confusing reality.

With spousal rape, the more intense the relationship, the more painful and challenging the recovery.

My advise for coping and recovery, gardening and chocolate.

I just don't believe gardening can be beat. You walk outside, feel the sunlight, plant something that will grow, feed you or beautify your new world. If a plant misbehaves, you can just tie it up.

Brother Brigham said we are supposed to make the whole earth as the Garden of Eden.

I m starting with my yard. The dishes in my sink can wait. There is no joy for me in washing those dishes. But flowers, trees, soft grass under the toes, they define a new beautiful world I can have power in.

Why Women Stay

2009-06-27T15:07:00.000-07:00

Women who stay with those who hurt them are often asked "Why". Why do you continue to love him? Why does she stay with him? Why does she let him hurt her?

Women stay for a collage of reasons. There's Stockholm Syndrome, low self esteem, the belief she deserves maltreatment, for the children, the expectation that the emotional investment will eventually pay out, the belief he will change, the belief his abuse is only temporary, not understanding she's actually being abused, the desire to be a good Mormon, Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, fear of making it on her own, the list goes on and on.

If I can control myself, I want to write about only two of those reasons.

Yesterday for the first time a friend of mine expressed a drive that has driven me for decades, that she too has.

Frequently, when I look at someone, I see who they are, and who they are meant to be. Now when I say Who they are. I m deceiving you. It should be past tense. My faith teaches that our spirits all stood together before our Father God before we were born, that we rejoiced at the plan for us to have a chance at life and prove ourselves here. We all chose to be here, and we felt love for each other, felt the love of God, and wanted to help each other grow. Each of us has a great potential, but their is no fate or destiny, just a specific calling we can choose to live up to or not.

When I say Who they are it's really a sense of Who they were in the presence of God. When you look on someone with the mindset of who they were before God and who they are meant to be your heart is filled with a passion for the individual. You love them without reserve, and you hope their life will be filled with events that will lead them to their own greatness.

While this beautiful view of others fills you with compassion, a desire to help them on their way, and even be a part of it, it has a hellish side affect.

By the first few decades in life, so many of us are off track and lost our faith, hope and charity. Some have become emotional predators to others. Many have completely lost themselves in their challenges and are no where near who they were meant to be.

Sometimes women like me are so filled with the vision of another's potential she simply can't see what he has chosen to become and is. She's blind to the danger of now, and what they are choosing to become. She cannot accept who he is Now.

And/Or

Seeing his choice not to become all he was meant to be is pure hell. She wants to shake him and say, Can't you see what you were meant to be? Why are you choosing less? That old nurturing drive kicks in. She may try to help him back on track.

During the worst of my own ordeal, the image of being tightly strapped to the back leg of a stampeding elephant filled my mind.

Viewing in Mosaic is one other reason it can be hard to leave or see in the moment. When I look at someone, every memory, every event, every emotion I have ever felt toward them surfaces to create one larger picture and combined emotion.

Every time I see him, even now, I remember hearing his voice for the first time, the first time I felt his hand take mine, our first date, our second and on, I feel his hand holding my head as he kissed me across the altar and refused to let go, I remember him the night his mother died, I see him sit discouraged at terrible setbacks, I feel him pick me up over his head and spin me, I hear him say ditto , I see him hold our first new baby, I hear him tell me he wants to bash our new son's head into the ceiling and the intense fear, I feel him hold me as I cry at night, I see him work hard day after day in school, I see his mother telling stories of him, I remember every sacrifice and trial faced to help him achieve his desires, comforting him, and it goes on and one. The most powerful memory was our marriage. The overwhelming sense of peace, being in the right place, at the right time with the right man at our wedding. An overwhelming peaceful sense of this is good, and this is right, remembering that every day.

Every event, every memory is always there. The love, the abuse, the fear, the hope, the incredible joy, and the incredible pain.

It is the whole picture I have at the moment that drives me. A present hurtful moment is out weighted by a vast mosaic of life.

Thus in the moment of one very cruel act, it is still difficult to become angry. It is not until the number of cruel moments in the mosaic memory overwhelms the sweet.

It's hard to become angry in with your husband when every morning, every day you remember the feeling of the first time you kissed.

One singular terrible event rarely out weighs the many other memories. Those who see in mosaic take a long time to become angry.

A mosaic view and mosaic emotion made it difficult for me to understand his anger at simple events. He saw in the present, and each event of the present was powerful enough to overwhelm everything else.

I could not relate to that. But I knew and sensed that for him, if I did anything or appeared to do anything wrong, in any moment that would be it for him.

Empathy for Spiders

2009-06-27T15:06:00.001-07:00

At 16, my bedroom was the basement. I had a bathroom off of the side, and two storage rooms off of the bathroom. The bathroom had a jacuzzi tub in it. But when I tried filling up the tub, and turning it on, dead and living hobo spiders would come out of the pipes. Sometimes I would take the time to run it, and take out all the spiders. But that was usually just too much work.

The basement was filled with Hobo spiders. I wasn't too afraid of spiders. When I found a spider near my bed, I would take a long piece of toilet paper and drape it down to pick up the spider. Then I would walk the spider quickly over to the toilet and flush it down the toilet.

Even though I knew the spiders could bite me, I never had the heart to kill them. One day I looked at my pillow, and their sat a big, huge, ugly spider in the middle of my pillow. By the time I returned with my draping toilet paper I couldn't find the spider any more.

I was a little uneasy putting my head on my pillow that night. But I did, and went to sleep.

If a spider hung out at the opposite side of my room, I left it alone.

Now that I know how plumbing systems work, I m pretty sure their were not as many spiders as I thought. I was probably flushing the same spider down the toilet each day.

One morning I woke up with a huge welt on my right thigh. It was 2 1/2 inches wide and about a half inch high. It was huge and just below my P.E. short line. The girls at school thought I was a freak.

The next night I went to bed and thought, Well, it didn't kill me. If I m sleeping it won't scare me. So whatever. And I went to sleep just fine.

Well, now I know Hobo spiders are actually quite dangerous. Looking back I know I should have killed them all. Instead, because I had empathy, I kept living in a situation without ridding myself of the danger in the room.

I didn't have the heart for the ugly process of killing big, fat spiders.

Empathy for spiders, not a good thing.

How does this relate to domestic violence? Hmmm.

Cry Baby Cry!

2009-06-27T15:05:00.001-07:00

Her face turned bright red as she laid on my bed crying. My heart clenched up as I saw my little newborn girl wail. "Shshsh". I said softly, "Please don't cry." A quite fear tied me up inside as I tried to comfort her.

Many years prior, after our first child was born, he too cried. He cried loud and strong. When my little one was a couple of weeks old, I laid in bed and asked my husband to go pick up our new baby, and try to comfort him for me. I was so tired.

He tried and failed miserably. He told me, "I want to bash his head into the ceiling". I could see in his eyes that he meant it. He spent his childhood bashing gopher heads for a quarter each for the local farmer. I believed he meant it.

I never left him alone with our new baby after that. Our first baby cried continually. My heart clenched up every time with fear. My husband had a temper, and I always tried to keep everything around him perfect hoping to prevent an event.

But our son cried so much. I remember waking up to his cries, trying to comfort him. He cried when I picked him up. He cried when I put him down.

I felt like a failure as a mother. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.

Friends, family, and books said I should let him cry it out. When I tried that, he would cry for two hours every night, several times a night.

I made sure my husband wore ear plugs every night. I remember laying there on my side watching him in silence while he slept and our son cried, always wondering, Is my husband going to lose it?

Sometimes, as I held my little one crying in the middle of the night, I cried too. I tried everything. Every time he cried, I was afraid of my husbands temper.

My husband could be fine one minute, and blow up the next. So when he looked like he was handling it fine, I felt no peace.

One day my husband sat me down at the table for a talk. He wanted to take our son somewhere and drop him off. Abandon him. A parking lot, a park, anywhere. I looked in his eyes, and I knew he wasn't kidding. He was dead serious.

I reassured him the best I could. I knew if I couldn't comfort and help our son, and keep him quiet, the consequences would eventually be horrible.

One evening as we drove home, our son, then two years old, sat crying in the back of our two door vehicle next to his infant brother.

Our older son cried and cried and refused to be comforted. I was so afraid. My husband pulled over into a parking lot. My heart stopped. I froze like an opossum.

Whenever he became angry, I always froze, hoping that if I did nothing else to make him angry, he would calm down after venting.

He pulled our son out of the car, and set him in the parking lot next to the car. He pushed our son away from the door of the car. He was barely two years old. My husband told our toddler that he was going to leave him their because he cried to much. I froze. I didn't know what to do. Nothing in my life seemed to prepare me for this.

What do I do? What do I do?

I believed if I sat very still and didn't make him mad, he would calm down and everything would be alright. I was always afraid of what would happened if I stood up to him. I was so afraid he would blow up.

Our second infant was strapped in the back of the two door vehicle. If I got out of the car to save my toddler, I wouldn't be able to get move my seat fast enough to get our infant out of the car.

If I stepped out of the car, he could leave with our infant. I never left him alone with the children. What would he do to our infant in his anger?

My toddler in the parking lot or my infant in the car.

He yelled at our little toddler. He told our son, if he didn't stop crying he would leave him there. He meant it. This was no idle threat.

My little boy cried louder and he looked so scared. Didn't my husband know what he was doing to him.

You can't stop a child from crying by threatening. He cried more.

I am ashamed. I froze. I just didn't know what to do. After these events we can look back and know what we should have done. At the time, my brain froze.

After about ten minutes, my husband calmed down, and put our son back into the car.

I never forgot it. He never apologized. He never showed any sense of remorse.

I came to understand that my children could feel my fear. That when I entered my son's room at night, he could see my fear.

I couldn't comfort him because he knew something was terribly wrong.

None of the how to get your baby to sleep at night books talk about it.

Babies can feel the fear of their parents.

One of the signs of an emotional abused wife, is inconsolable babies.

To comfort a crying baby, you have to be at peace first.

Realizing that, with each child, I learned to focus my heart, and choose to feel peace and love when caring for my children, no matter what was happening around me.

It worked, most the time.

After our second child was born, he cried, my husband looked at him angrily and said, "He's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

I bound up my heart, and gave nothing but peace and love to the child.

After our third child was born, she cried, my husband looked angrily and said, "She's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

I bound up my heart, and gave nothing but peace and love to the child.

After our fourth child was born, she cried, my husband look angrily and said, " She's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

So back to the beginning of this story, I looked at my crying fourth child.

Events at that time in our family were too traumatic. I couldn't bind up my heart for her and comfort her. I looked at her in fear as she cried.

I remembered an old movie I saw and loved many years ago.

Quigly Down Under.

Crazy Cora. She was a wild woman. She was crazy. She was beautiful crazy. Why? She lived in a farm house of the old American frontier. A drunken Indian broke into her home while she was alone with her child. Crazy Cora hid in a closet with her baby.

"Hush baby, don't cry. Hush baby, don't cry." She tried to quiet her baby. But the baby kept crying. Finally she hushed the baby. She kept her baby quiet the only way she knew how. The drunken Indian left. Her baby was dead. She had smothered him. Cora went crazy after that.

Well, at the end of the movie, Crazy Cora was now in the wild Australian frontier with a beautiful aborigine baby. She was hiding in a cave at night with the little baby. Dingos circled the outside of the cave, while the baby started to cry.

"Hush baby, don't cry. Hush baby, don't cry." She tried to quiet the baby over and over again.

Then suddenly she snapped.

She pulled out the guns she had been left with and started shooting wildly in the air.

"Cry, baby Cry!" It was a beautiful moment. The dingos ran off.

Or something like that. It's been a decade since I saw the movie.

I looked down at my crying child. I tilted my head as I realized, I personally have no problem if she wants to cry. Her kindly grandpa was patient, he wouldn't mind or threaten. The other children didn't mind.

Her father had just left us.

It was alright. She could cry.

I picked her up smiling. "Cry, baby Cry." I said softly.

When I see little infants crying at church, or anywhere else, I smile. I ask if I can hold the child.

I love to see babies cry. It's alright if they want to cry. Take care of them. Love them. If something is wrong, fix it. But if they want to cry, it's alright. They can cry.

It's funny how if you let the baby cry, but you are at peace, and smile at your little one to comfort them peacefully.

They stop crying.

A troubled mother cannot comfort a stressed baby. A mother must first be comforted.

Learned Helplessness

2009-06-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

My lovely naughty little boys used to love to take the pillow cushions off their Grandpa's couch, stack them, and leap onto them. Grandpa was kind and patient to let us live with him while we prepared for my husband to return to school. But the boy's daily ritual of massacring Grandpa's couch cushions was too much for me.

I found six huge pillows for 50 cents each, then went to Wal Mart and bought some cheap fabric. I spent all day working on them. The boys were thrilled when I gave them six gargantuan pillows and told them to leave grandpa's alone. Now they could leap off the cushions from the couch to the pillows.

When my husband came home, I bragged about my wonderful solution to the dilemma and my efforts, hoping he would be proud.

He declared sternly, I... Did...Not...Tell...YOU...To...Do...That.

I walked away confused. What did I do wrong? Did he not want the pillows for the children?

As fall came and Christmas neared, I went to the dollar store to check out the loot. I found some lovely picture frames. They had cute wire picket's and deep green metal leaves.

I realized with the money in my pocket I could finally purchase a gift for each of the in-law families. I planned to buy a frame for each family with a picture of our the children in it.

We were always so financially strapped while my husband went to school, I felt guilty and horrible not to give a gift each year to the families. Other women seemed to have the creative talents I lacked in created cute inexpensive gifts.

Thrilled, I bough enough and drove home excited to share my plans with my husband.

Once home, I pulled one of the frames out for my husband to see as I shared my plans with him.

He was furious.

These are disguising and ugly. Natalie, when you give picture frames, you are imposing your taste on everyone else. Take these back, they are too ugly. He was furious and steaming. He gave me a lecture on imposing my tastes on others.

I couldn't understand. I love the gifts I get from others that represent their tastes. Each time I look at past gifts, I see the personality of the giver and I smile.

Anyway, we took the children to the park, and He yelled at the kids telling them to smile and sit right for the camera.

It's funny how the pictures came out looking so cute. Now when I see smiling family photos representing a happy family, I wonder, what was really going on in the lives of the family members.

What is real?

I took half the frames back to the dollar store and bought standard wood style frames to give out.

I felt disheartened and confused.

As Christmas came closer, I pulled out our Christmas decoration boxes. I couldn't find Christmas stockings I liked for our family. Our children needed their mother to make them their special stockings to keep forever remembering their childhood.

I dug through my fabric box, but I couldn't find any red fabric. As I though, I remembered my old shiny, royal purple prom dress my mother made for me.

I dug it out of a box, and laid it on the floor. I sat staring for a while, contemplating how to get the most Christmas stockings from the dress.

My husband walked in. I shared my plans with him for my prom dress.

You are not going to make ugly purple Christmas stockings. My mother was an interior decorator. She knew what colors work, and what colors don't work. Do not make ugly purple Christmas stockings! He commanded.

Hurt, confused, and sad, I put the dress away and pulled out the odd mismatched Christmas stockings for the holidays.

Sister Brown at church was an oddball. She was there through the night my mother in law died. She sat there whispering, Go toward the light.

Yeah.

Anyway, Sister Brown approached me at church on Sunday, Oh Natalie, Marilyn made the most beautiful Christmas stocking, and I know she wants your beautiful daughter to have it. I can just hear her telling me how much she wants her granddaughter to have it. It's so beautiful. I will bring it for you next week.

Great, more wonderful dead mother in law rhetoric. Thank you Sister Brown, that will be wonderful. I replied.

She said the same thing every Sunday, and always responded as kindly as I could.

Finally one Sunday, we sat behind her in Church. Sister Brown declared, I brought the stocking Marilyn wants A to have. And she pulled out a bright royal purple furry Christmas stocking, exactly the same shade and tone as my prom dress.

I was stunned in silence.

Obvious, Marilyn was watching.

Marilyn knew.

She knew what I was going through. Marilyn knew every time I showed initiative my husband cut me down. Marilyn knew every time I made an effort my husband degraded me.

She knew my spirit was being killed a little bit more each day with her son.

Marilyn knew her name was used to kill my spirit.

And she knew, but could do nothing while she watched.

Until I pulled out my royal purple prom dress.

Learned Helplessness

Every effort I made was cut down, for years, until I completely lost my ability to think for myself. I always waited for permission and to be told what to do. I became completely incompetent.

If I came up with my own ideas, my husband cut them down. If I obeyed his exact commands, he would cut me down.

As my own family values a hard work ethic, they seemed to think I was lazy when at family gatherings I sat and did nothing to help. They didn't understand I was waiting to be told exactly what to do.

One of the hardest processes I went through after he left, was to think for myself. I would practically beg any stranger off the street to tell me what to do.

I begged God to tell me what to do. The Lord just asked me what I wanted. He gave me whatever I wanted, but I just couldn't seem to understand and learn what to ask for.

After years of parenting without my husband at my side, I ve learned again how to think for myself.

Today my son asked me how much I paid for my piano. "I worked and saved $2,400 and bought it."

"Did Dad yell at you?" He asked.

I smiled, "No, I bought it before I met Dad."

Domestic Violence and Ethnic Cleansing

2009-06-27T15:02:00.001-07:00

Genesis 6:5 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

Proverbs 12 The words of the wicked are to lie in wait for blood: but the mouth of the upright shall deliver them. Deceit is in the heart of them that imagine evil. The wicked shall be filled with mischief. The heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness.

In April of 1994, I turned on the news. People in Rwanda, Africa were killing each other again. Whatever. I was so tired of hearing of how ethnic groups were killing other ethnic groups here and there through out the world. Bosnia, Somalia, other places I did not care enough any more to learn about or remember the names.

How stupid they are. I ignorantly thought. It was after that horrible event in Somalia when we sent in our troops to try to deliver food to the starving, and they were brutally murdered.

Is it worth the effort? I thought, as I changed the channel, to tired of such filth to care.

Fifteen years later, when I was trying to understand how the man I loved more than anything in the world was so easily converted to cruelty, I found myself looking back to the propaganda used to provoke those horrible events in Africa, Eastern Europe, and through history to understand the cruelty I found in my own sheltered, American home. I discovered things are not so simple.

I discovered a Universal Rhetoric of Hate, a Universal Logic, used to promote hate throughout the world. The same pattern of logic in that annoying primitive country, was used in my own home to justify cruelties.

I intimately became familiar with the ugly pattern that was once so unbelievable.

The pattern was so far off from my own upbringing, I could not comprehend it's existence. It seemed so comic book evil, and too absurd to believe people could listen to it.

But, all the great genocides, ethic cleansing , holocausts, rapes, gangs, murders, white supremacist, black supremacist, anti Jew groups, anti Islam groups, anti human groups, domestic abusers, subscribe to the same logic pattern of hate.

What is the pattern?

What is the flow of logic used to immunize an individual against love and compassion?

What is the logic used to convert seemingly normal individuals in to functional sociopaths?

What happens in an individual's that makes them vulnerable to this rhetoric?

What can be taught to immunize an individual against this powerful logic?

What can be taught to subscribers of this powerful hate rhetoric to bring peace to the earth?

What can I teach my children to prevent them from perpetuating the foundations of the Rhetoric of Hate?

Natalie Fleming June 8, 2009

The Rhetoric of Hate
The basis for the Universal Rhetoric of Hate is the illusion and fear of loss of power to another group or individual.

Terms

Target Group or Target Individual (TGTI) Every member, of every age and gender of the Group is the target of hate. The Target Group or Individual can be a spouse, an in-law, a rival gang, an ethnic group, a race, a faith, or a nationality.

To illustrate how absurd the principles are we will use TG as an example. To clarify the TG is just simple people who want to exist, but this sample propaganda will teach you to hate the TG.

Group Agency or Individual Agency: (Agency) Ability of a group or individual to exist, live, work, think, pursue happiness, reproduce, provide for family or self, make independent choices, and pursue ideals.

Standard Claims of Universal Hate Rhetoric:

Remember, these are all lies to induce hatred.

1. There is no Personal Power or Group Agency or Individual Agency (GAIA). Any Group or Individual may seek power over your thoughts words, actions, identity and life.

2. The TG are actively be seeking the subjugation of your Group or Individual Agency and is the sole purpose of all the thoughts words and actions of the TG (remember the example target group).

3. Every member of the TG of every age and gender is knowingly and intently pursuing your Subjugation.

4. The TG have various methods of overcoming your Group or Individual Agency.

5. The TG are inferior.

6. All action and or status that is detrimental to yourself or your group done by the TG are intentional to fulfill the purpose of eliminating or subjugating your group.

7. All actions that seem kind or good, affectionate, or harmless to the ignorant eye, are merely ways in which the TG seduce, weaken, manipulate and subjugate your group.

8. All Sex and Reproduction is used by the TG for the sole purpose of controlling you, seducing you, infiltrating, overcoming by population, and polluting the genetic code of your group.

9. Any condition that exists that is undesirable or detrimental to you, is the result of the intentional actions of the TG.

10. Because all pretended good and actions by the TG are of evil manipulative intent, the TG are not worthy of gratitude, kindness or mercy.

11. All obvious attempts to withstand you and your teachings by the TG, is an attempt to overcome your Agency.

12. The TG must be destroyed, eliminated, or subjugated in order for you or your group to have Agency.

13. Every organization, thought, home, institution, faith and work of the TG must be destroyed or you and your group will be destroyed.

14. The Current Generation of the TG is responsible for the actions of Prior Generations.

15. Any kindness, gratitude, concessions, mercy or aid given to the TG enables the TG to fulfill their evil purpose.

16. Anyone who sympathizes with the TG is a Puppet of the TG.

What are the consequences to the Believers of the Rhetoric of Hate?

Once this Rhetoric is embraced by an individual or group, every and all action by the Target Group, kind, good, bad, neutral will provoke the Individual or Group.

Kindness provokes.

Withstanding provokes.

Existing provokes.

Self defense provokes.

Once the Rhetoric of Hate is established and solidified, time can do nothing but escalate the hostility toward the Target Group (TG) until the inhalation of the Target Group or intervention.

The Ten Hutu Commandments

2009-06-27T15:01:00.001-07:00

How do each of these Commandments reflect the Standard Claims of the Rhetoric of Hate

Once these commandments were established in the hearts and minds of the Hutu people, the Hutu leaders spread propaganda over the radios declaring the evil of the Tutsi minority continuously.

The circular logic of Hate Rhetoric ensnared the hearts and minds of the Hutu. All good that a Tutsi minority did provoked them. Withstanding the Hutu provoked the Hutu. Merely existing provoked the Hutu.

In April of 1994 and the following month, violence exploded and the Hutu population slaughtered over 800,000 Tutsi men women and children by machete.

The Hutu Ten Commandments

(Claim 3, 8, 16)
1. Every Hutu should know that a Tutsi woman, whoever she is, works for the interest of her Tutsi ethnic group. As a result, we shall consider a traitor any Hutu who

marries a Tutsi woman
befriends a Tutsi woman
employs a Tutsi woman as a secretary or a concubine.

(Claim 5)
2. Every Hutu should know that our Hutu daughters are more suitable and conscientious in their role as woman, wife and mother of the family. Are they not beautiful, good secretaries and more honest?

3. Hutu women, be vigilant and try to bring your husbands, brothers and sons back to reason.

(Claim 7, 10, 13, 15, 16)
4. Every Hutu should know that every Tutsi is dishonest in business. His only aim is the supremacy of his ethnic group. As a result, any Hutu who does the following is a traitor:

makes a partnership with Tutsi in business
invests his money or the government's money in a Tutsi enterprise
lends or borrows money from a Tutsi
gives favours to Tutsi in business (obtaining import licenses, bank loans, construction sites, public markets, etc.).

(Claim 4, 7)
5. All strategic positions, political, administrative, economic, military and security should be entrusted only to Hutu.

(Claim 7)
6. The education sector (school pupils, students, teachers) must be majority Hutu.

(Claim 1)
7. The Rwandan Armed Forces should be exclusively Hutu. The experience of the October 1990 war has taught us a lesson. No member of the military shall marry a Tutsi.

(Claim 10)
8. The Hutu should stop having mercy on the Tutsi.

(Claim 2)
9. The Hutu, wherever they are, must have unity and solidarity and be concerned with the fate of their Hutu brothers.

The Hutu inside and outside Rwanda must constantly look for friends and allies for the Hutu cause, starting with their Hutu brothers.
They must constantly counteract Tutsi propaganda.
The Hutu must be firm and vigilant against their common Tutsi enemy.

(Claim 14)
10. The Social Revolution of 1959, the Referendum of 1961, and the Hutu Ideology, must be taught to every Hutu at every level. Every Hutu must spread this ideology widely. Any Hutu who persecutes his brother Hutu for having read, spread, and taught this ideology is a traitor.

The Excuse for Abusing Your Wife

2009-06-27T14:59:00.000-07:00

It was 2:30 am. I was so tired. I put our four little children to bed earlier, and after taking care of everything that needed to be done, I was finally in bed with my husband. My oldest was 7 and my youngest child was only 2 1/2 weeks old.

I was crying, I told him what he demanded hurt and I felt demeaned. I told him the baby was going to wake soon, and I would need to nurse her, and I hadn't slept yet. He demanded. While the lights were off, I had tears in my eyes I kept drying. I knew I couldn't appear weak to him. Any weakness was an excuse for anger.

The degradation I felt was so complete my heart ripped inside. I fought an overwhelming desire to die.

I finally told him I couldn't do it anymore. I shouldn't have to put up with a wife who complains about pain or feeling demeaned during sex. He said angrily. Did he understand how much he was hurting me, body and soul?

The events leading up to my child's birth, and after, with two deaths in the family, and everything my husband had done, left me emotionally and spiritually destroyed.

I was scared and confused. Over the last few months my husband had become suddenly crueler and angry for reasons I couldn't begin to understand. He kept saying I was controlling him. I never told him what to do. I accepted the choices he made for our family.

If I was just really kind and loving during this traumatic time, he would come back to his senses. I just had to put up with and forgive his cruelties during this period.

It was going to pass, and the good husband I once new would come back. And our family was going to be okay. My children needed him as a father. You can't raise good children without a good father.

He was going to look back on all of this with sorrow and remorse. His state of mind was temporary. He was going to get better. I just had to endure.

But when he said those words, I shouldn't have to put up with a wife who complains about pain or feeling demeaned during sex. I suddenly realized, all those times he hurt me during intimacy, he knew. It wasn't accidental, he didn't just forget that that same thing hurt.

He didn't care. He took pleasure while knowingly inflicting pain.

I can't say what happened next.

Later, hen he was done, we laid there as he explained to me what he likes and doesn't like. He grabbed different parts of my body, and told me how he wanted them shaped by my working out. He told me exactly how long he wanted my private hair. He told me he deserved a prettier wife. I needed a body like Jamie Lee Curtis and a butt like Jennifer Lopez. He lectured me until the baby woke, I got up, got her out of bed, took her too the living room and nursed her, bewildered.

Every night for years, I remembered that night.

He's never said he's sorry. Even when I confronted him years later.

Over those last few months, he kept talking and obsessing about me controlling him. He said I was only kind to him to control him. He related many of the kind things I had done through our marriage and explained to me that he knew I just did them to control him.

He told me that our last two pregnancies were just to control him. The first of the two, we decided together, he took a year off of school, and got a job with insurance so we could have the child. The second of the two, I told him if we got pregnant, our child would be disabled due to the medication I used that month. He didn't listen, he used force. And I forgave him, overwhelmed by the possible consequences.

Then he was angry about those last two pregnancies.

Why had my husband, my eternal companion, the father of my children, become so cruel over the last few years of our marriage?

He would ignore me when I told him he was hurting me. He would hold my wrists when I tried to push him away from doing something I wasn't comfortable with. Until I finally accepted that I had no say. I accepted that for now, I would have to feel pain.

How could a man who goes to church every Sunday, and reads the Bible justify this.

I thought he loved me. I thought he was just going through a difficult time.

Since kindness provoked him as a tool of manipulation, and I was determined to prove my love by kindness, the marriage didn't end well.

For years his behavior confused me. He never expressed the slightest remorse. He stood before me with confidence so many times.

How is that possible.

Years later I read about the Hutu/Tutsi and the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia.

In Bosnia the Serbian's were taught that the Croatians and the Muslims were using every means necessary to subjugate and control them. The Serbian army used rape as a major weapon to punish the other two populations for their actions.

In Rwanda, the Hutu's were told the Tutsi women were using there feminine abilities to seduce, control, manipulate and pollute the Hutu population. The Hutu's targeted and slaughtered the women.

In a marriage, once a man becomes convinced his wife is using intimacy to control him, his whole nature changes. Intimacy in no longer an act of love and bonding. It's about control, and a place where a man can punish a woman for trying to control him. See the standard Rhetoric of Hate

The woman doesn't have to actually be controlling the man, he just needs to believe it. It's very easy to twist reality to convince a man his innocent wife is trying to control him.

The Savior taught that we all have control over ourselves. If all you have is a mite, you still have the self control to decide to offer it up to the Lord.

If someone is cruel, we can exercise ultimate self control by reciprocating with sincere kindness.

But once someone becomes convinced that kindness and Christlike values are used only to control and manipulate others, all actions provoke them.

Christ was crucified by those who believed all his kind service, healings, teachings, were just manipulations to take away their power and control of the people.

The righteous assert self control and agency by unearned kindness.

The cruel assert their power by cruelty and aggression.

The End of an Era, The Beginning of a New Era

2009-06-27T14:58:00.001-07:00

August 13, 2001 my second sons first day of Kindergarten. One month before the fall of the Twin Towers.

It was to be the end of many long hardships, and the beginning of a better life.

Mathew, my husband finally graduated saith a Master's degree in International Business eight months prior. He was working for division of Intel.

The years of hardships we faced bravely as a family while Mathew attended college were finally over.

We could finally buy a home, decide where to live. After Mathew worked hard enough to secure his position at work, we could finally focus on our families needs.

I learned that when I forgave my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I sacrificed for my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I faced hardships for his goals, my love for him grew.

I felt blessed to be married to the man I knew without any doubt I was meant to be with.

We had 3 5/9 beautiful children. I was worried about the little girl I was pregnant with, but her tests came back okay for disabilities. I knew she was still at risk for mental delays and learning disabilities, but I tried to keep a positive attitude.

My husband was struggling with his relationships at work. I knew he was unhappy, and I knew why.

He was a very driven man who set out boldly to accomplish anything he set his mind to. I learned not to ever get in his way, and supported him whole heartedly. I delighted in watching him progress and reach his goals.

But at the same time I felt jealous. He didn't always worry about how his goals affected his family. His pursuits often left us at the side. I tried to make the burden of a family easy on him and a joyful for him as possible.

He was at a turn in the road. A turn I knew was coming. I knew that focusing on career would not bring him happiness and peace.

I knew that true happiness came from intimately loving and serving your family.

We had obvious problems in our relationship. But he didn't think he had the time to work on it.

I knew that after graduating and starting his career he would come to a turning point where he would realize that his career wasn't the source of joy or peace.

Yes his career finally provided. Many men drive for UPS or garbage trucks and still are happy because they take the time for their family.

International business was a hard worked for goal, it would provide well and reward us for the many hardships we faced.

But ultimately it is sacred family relationships that bring true happiness.

Mathew didn't like to be told what to do. Duh, he's a man. So I waited. I trusted completely the process of experience.

I knew without any doubt, he would come to realize his career wasn't the ultimate source of joy and happiness.

I knew without any doubt, that after Mathew realized that, the most obvious response would be to focus on what brings joy, his family.

All the years I watched his zealous work at school, I knew that once he brought that same passion to work on our relationships and his relationships with his children, it would be beautiful.

I used to think, if he only put a fifth of the effort into his family that he put into his career, how much happiness we would have.

But I also knew, he had to decide this on his own. He was always worried about being controlled. He was so sensitive to it.

It just had to be his realization, his choice.

I yearned for his love, for his gratitude, for him to take me in his arms and thank me for all the sacrifices, the hard times, the tenacity, to feel his complete love for me and the children.

I knew a turning point was coming. I did my best to stand by him and be patient and offer him all my love.

At the same time, I was so tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. He dove right into work as soon as he graduated.

We didn't have time to even find a home yet. We were back living with family in California. We had his signing bonus in the bank, a baby coming, several things to settle.

I hadn't had a break in years. Because of his hard work, he didn't have much time to help at home. I was so tired. I knew it would be a while before we could relax and celebrate a little. Take a real vacation.

The first week of September he decide to take a break. No not together. He wanted to go fishing for a week with the men in his family.

I felt hurt, but I knew he needed the break. I knew he needed time with his family. Although I knew there was at least one family member that scared me with his ability to reach people to hate, I had trust in my husbands strength.

I could see the crisis growing in his heart. I knew he had to face it. I knew it had to be his decision.

I had to trust him to be strong enough and wise enough to pass through it. I had to let it happen.

He got up early in the morning to leave to his fishing trip. He kissed the sleeping children with a sad troubled look on his face.

At the door, he kissed me and told me he loved me. I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt a little scared inside. But I knew I had to let him go on the trip.

As I watched the car drive out of the coul de sac, something in my heart tore. Would the man I loved come back? Was that the last time I would see my dear husband?

I shook it off. Decided to be brave, and prepared for the children to wake.

Letting him back in?

2009-06-27T14:57:00.001-07:00

If you let your abuser back in your home.

And he hasn't fully reformed.

And you know it.

Who is accountable for the next abuse to you and your children?

You knew it wasn't real yet and you let him back in anyway.

I know the overwhelming desire to let him back in.

The desire to be loved and cherished.

The desire to have your companion through joys and trials again.

But if he's hasn't reformed fully and you let him back in, then he will hurt you again, and your children.

The hardest part is when he wants to come back, but he hasn't really changed and you know it.

You want him back to fill that horrible painful void in your heart. You want to lay comforted in his arms again.

But the abuse you forget so quickly will return. The abuse will return to you and your children.

The process of reformation is possible. It's a basic part of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Bible says a sinner should confess and forsake their sins. That means they should tell the truth about everything that happened, not just to you, but to your church leader and civil authorities if necessary.

To Forsake means the sinner must denounce their actions, own them without excuses. Sometimes this must be done publicly.

If I have offended you I m sorry is not confessing or forsaking.

The sinner must also make amends. Whatever effort they made to destroy your soul, whatever time was spent belittling you into nothing, they must put forth the same effort to actively help you to heal. Just as they worked to destroy your life, they must work to help rebuild your life.

To heal wounded heart.

I ve started keeping a calendar of my friends with abusive husbands and companions. It's interesting to see the time spent in each stage of the abuse cycle.

I wanted to take my husband back so bad. I hurt inside so bad and the only way I could ever see feeling better was for him to heal my broken, destroyed heart.

But I knew, he had to show remorse, confess, forsake, and make amends through repentance for him to come back safely.

Mormon Elder Richard G. Scott

2009-06-27T14:56:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite quotes regarding abusers.

First of all Brother Scott has such a soothing voice, he puts me to sleep every general Conference. Not only do I usually miss his speech, but the next speaker too. So I just read his talks afterward. The problem with reading his talks... I hear his voice while I read it, and I still have to fight sleepiness. I wish he would just come to my home and read to my children to put them to bed at night!

"As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive the abuser and even have feelings of sorrow for him or her. When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of the pain and heartache that Satan wants in your life by encouraging you to hate the abuser. As a result, you will enjoy greater peace. While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior's healing power in your own life.1

"If you are currently being abused or have been in the past, find the courage to seek help. You may have been severely threatened or caused to fear so that you would not reveal the abuse. Have the courage to act now. Seek the support of someone you can trust. Your bishop or stake president can give you valuable counsel and help you with the civil authorities. Explain how you have been abused and identify who has done it. Ask for protection. Your action may help others avoid becoming innocent victims, with the consequent suffering. Get help now. Do not fearfor fear is a tool Satan will use to keep you suffering. The Lord will help you, but you must reach out for that help."

"Do not be discouraged if initially a bishop hesitates when you identify an abuser. Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts. Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help. That support will come. Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. Your preoccupation with a need for justice only slows your healing and allows the perpetrator to continue his abusive control. Therefore you should leave punishment for the diabolic acts of abuse to civil and Church authorities."

"To the Perpetrator

Now, to the perpetrator who has shattered the life of another by abuse: recognize that you need help with your addiction or it will destroy you. You will not overcome it by yourself. You likely need specialized professional help. I plead with you to seek to be rescued now. You likely have deceived yourself in the false, temporary security that you have successfully hidden your transgression from the civil or Church authorities. But know that the Lord Jesus Christ is completely aware of your sins. He has warned: Whoso shall offend one of these little ones . . . , it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 2 Know that even without action by a victim, your act of abuse will be publicly known, for Satan will expose you, then abandon you.

"Simplify your life by taking steps now to cleanse your soul from such sin and resolve the penalties they evoke. Show your desire to heal the anguish that you have caused others. Talk to your bishop or stake president. The seriousness of your acts may require you to face civil and Church discipline. But full repentance will bring the sweet relief of forgiveness, peace of conscience, and a renewed life. It will also bring relief to the abused and their families. You will be free of the weight of remorse and the accusing thoughts of what you have caused in grief and anguish in another's life. Recognize that it is much easier to repent in this life than it will be in the next, so repent now. You will be helped when you decide to be freed from your addiction through repentance and the support of others. Be grateful that you didn't live anciently when abusers were stoned to death without the opportunity for repentance.

September 11, 2001

2009-06-27T14:55:00.000-07:00

Sunday night September 9, 2001

Six months pregnant, I felt so tired. My husband Mathew didn't have much time to help me in the home with our three children.

I wasn't prepared for the pregnancy. I knew I should of had surgery before the pregnancy, but I tried to exercise as much as I could by walking. I knew to much would put the baby and I at risk.

I was just trying to be strong.

My husband came home from a week long fishing trip with the men. I missed him so much. But I tried not to be to needy when he came home, because I knew that would annoy him.

I will never forget the way he looked at me when he saw me.

I saw fear, stoic anger, betrayal, fierce condemnation in his eyes as he glared at me.

I had no idea why he was angry.

As we went to bed, he turned to speak to me. He used short confusing sentences.

He was upset that I was pregnant. He was angry. He told me he was unhappy with what I had done. He told me he had been patient with me. He said he wasn't going to ask for a divorce quite yet. But I needed to get my act together.

He realized that I was the cause of all the unhappiness he felt in his life.

I sat there stunned. What was he angry about? He was upset about the pregnancy? What did he mean by that? Was he upset with himself for getting me pregnant? What was I doing wrong? I felt distant from myself and him, not understanding.

He expressed his anger without explaining anything. I was afraid if I asked any questions he would get angry at my ignorance. I was still worried about the baby.

On March 10, earlier that year, I told him that if we got pregnant our child would be at risk. After he ignored my warnings and we got pregnant, I felt it would be offensive to remind him. I had gone through the first half of the pregnancy terrified of the consequences, but dealt with it silently. Earlier I decided not to say anything about it ever again, even if our child had disabilities. I had decided to forgive him of the ultimate offense.

My mind was spinning. I had every right to be angry with him for the pregnancy, but I forgave him. Why did he feel the need to punish me? To reprimand me.

I was petrified and very, very confused.

Monday September 10, 2001, he was short, stoic and cold to the children an I. We went through the day mechanically.

As I pondered what was going on, trying to understand, I thought of how little time he spent with us. How little effort he spent on his relationships with the children and I. I thought of how much happier he would be if he worked at our relationship.

I remembered how my sister lived in the Bay Area during the great earthquake of 1989 in California. I pondered on how it woke everyone up to stop and look at their families and loved ones and to care for them.

How convenient it would be if the timing for our own family crisis could be timed in such a way that it would wake up my husband to the needs of his family. To stop thinking about just himself.

Tuesday September 11, 2001

Mathew took our oldest son to school after I prepared the children. He came home in a panic and we turned on the news.

We watched stunned and horrified as the second plane crashed into the World Trade Center.

I m trapped, I can't leave you and the children now. The world is falling apart. I m trapped. Mathew said. He sat on the couch with his head in his hands.

Not quite what I was expecting. On Mathew's part or God's part.

The next few days were awash with emotion and confusion as I processed what was happening in the world. What was happening in my world.

Friday night, September 14, 2001, Mathew asked me to go with him on a drive. I got into our little old Toyota Camry, he drove around, then stopped at a local park. It was dark as we walked on the paths and park lawn.

We sat down in front of a baseball diamond and watched men play ball.

My mind was a complete blur while he spoke.

Here is what I can remember of it.

He said I was a complete disappointment to him.

That it was wrong for be to be pregnant, but that he wasn't a jerk, he would stay with me until the child was born.

I sat there with my hand on my swollen belly, feeling her.

He said he understood that everything I did was to manipulate him. That this pregnancy was to trap him into marriage. I couldn't quite grasp that.

He said he never loved me and our marriage was a mistake.

He related the things I done in the past that had seemed like were kind and loving, but they weren t. Everything I had ever done that was kind, affectionate and loving was just to trap him and control him.

He told me my religious faith was just to control him. My faith taught me to forgive him, and I did a hundred times over. My faith taught that the Lord gives us our entire lifetime to overcome our weaknesses. So I sought to give him his lifetime to overcome those things he did that hurt me. My faith taught me that God loved me and him also individually. My faith taught me that I could pray and ask God for help and guidance, and that he could too.

Mathew frequently asked me to do things that were difficult. Each time I prayed to God and asked if I should support him in his pursuits. Each time the Lord responded that I should. My faith in God gave me faith in my husband.

I trusted in the Lord continually. And that trust led me to trust in my husband. Why do we trust?

He asked me where I wanted to live, California, Utah, or Idaho? I asked him where he wanted me to be. He said Idaho because his family was there. So I agreed to go to Idaho.

We had spent years in poverty while he attended school. Now he finally had a good job. All those times he promised me the hardships were for our future together, for our family.

I told him that I loved him, that I wanted to save our marriage. So he lectured me on my body, on the condition of our home, what he believed I should have done to save our marriage.

I sat there stunned and in total emotional pain, confused under the night sky.

A man walked off the baseball diamond toward us. As he approached, I recognized him from church. I still don't remember his name.

Are you okay? Do you need help? As I sat next to my husband. Something inside my heart cried out. I wondered if I should ask him for a ride home. I was taught never to ride with another man. But what should I do.

But I sat. I don't know if it was me or Mathew that said, That's all right. We re okay.

Mathew drove me home that night and we went to bed.

I had until the birth of our child to fix everything. I believed that if I was just kind enough, loving enough, no matter what he did, it would prove to him that my love for him was genuine, not faked, and not to control.

I looked back on how we met. On how loving him made me feel complete.

By Mormon Doctrine, we believe that families are forever, if you live worthy. Mathew and I were married in the temple, that meant that we would be together forever. It gave me an incentive to forgive him so many times and to overlook the small things.

I knew that because we were married in the temple, our covenants were not to each other, but to God.

My covenant to love Mathew was to God, and thus I could not make it conditional on his behavior.

Love is a choice, we choose to love by our thoughts words and actions.

The sealing to spouse and children is dependent upon the keeping of that covenant. If one spouse breaks that covenant and chooses not to love and serve faithfully, the remaining parent is still sealed to the children.

As long as I continued to choose to love him, and do everything I could, my children would
still be seal to me for eternity no matter what he chose.

But I believed that if he didn't keep his most sacred covenant to love and protect his wife and children, he would not only be cut off from me, but the children.

God's custody issues are a little simpler and a little more all knowing.

The thought of eternity without him ripped me up inside.

I felt that Mathew never really spent enough time with the children and I to know what he was giving up.

I was and am a woman of great faith.

I knew our family was and is sacred.

I knew that anything I asked of God, that was honorable, he would do on my behalf, and the behalf of my family and children.

I was determined that with the Lord's help our marriage could be saved.

I never doubted it.

I was scared, heartbroken and overwhelmed. But I would be kind enough to prove my love, to prove it was real an not some manipulation.

I couldn't let my husband destroy our precious family for things that were not even true.

What I didn't know, was that this hate rhetoric Mathew came home with was older than time itself.

That most the great wars, death and destruction was fueled by it.

That Jesus Christ himself was crucified by the same rhetoric.

I didn't know that once someone is convinced you only do good to manipulate, the destructive enslaving circular logic ensnares the believer.

I didn't know that the more I served him, the more he would believe I was manipulative.

The believer in manipulation will valiantly retaliate against kindness and love.

I didn't know that once I chose to fight back it would only serve to prove I was manipulative.

With this rhetoric, the more valiant someone is, the more manipulative they are in the eye of the beholder.

This believe destroys all love, compassion, mercy, tenderness and humanity in the believer.

And the believer in this Universal Rhetoric of Hate actually thinks they are valiant as they withhold compassion.

I didn't know.

Why do we trust?

2009-06-27T14:54:00.001-07:00

Trust is a precious thing. As you trust people, and they live up to it, your faith and appreciation for them grows as you learn you can depend on them.

But sometimes, we are placed in positions or situations, where our trust seems misplaced, and we are severely disappointed.

What about those times when we pray, and ask God if we can trust someone with something important or even precious to us. God often answers with a peaceful feeling of encouragement to trust, or may warn us to Run! . If prompted to trust, we follow the prompting and trust. To our shock, we are sometimes disappointed as the recipient fails to live up to the trust.

Some disappointments can be brutal and unimaginable.

So why do we trust? If God is real, and really loves us, and really tries to communicate with us, why would he allow or even encourage us to trust someone who failed us in then end? These events can shake our faith, our perceptions of the universe we live in. They lead us to question our very relationship with our maker.

Trust in others is not about their living up to trust. Trust is about faith in God. Faith that our Heavenly Father can deliver us from evil, from the consequences of failed trust. Faith that God is watching over us, and that he is all powerful. Faith that he knows our potential, and everyone else's potential. Faith that Heavenly Father is looking after our eternal interests.

Each of us chose to come to earth, to live, to receive those parents and family we were given. Hoping our parents will be kind loving, and living angels in our lives. But so many children, are born into death, suffering, drug addiction, even a mortal hell in war torn countries. That first trust is betrayed at birth for so many children.

When we pray and ask God if we should trust someone, His answer is often not dependent upon the worthiness of the recipient of our trust, but that we SHOULD trust. The answer does not say that the recipient of our sacred trust will live up to it.

Why does God ask us to trust. Simply because people need a chance. People need to be able to prove themselves for good or for evil, to succeed or to fail, in any given situation. After they fail, they may even need another chance. However, sometimes they need to be locked up.

Trust, isn't about who we trust living up to it. Trust is about giving others opportunities to succeed. A chance at life, to be brave, to be kind, to feel God's love, to grow.

Trust, is about faith in God, that he can deliver us out of the circumstances of other's failures.

The more Faith you have in God, faith that he loves you, faith that He wants you to experience those things that will help you grow, and others, faith that He is nurturing you and others, faith that He is after your best interests, the more YOU are able to have trust in others, and not even worry about if they fail you.

I m not telling you to hand your baby to that scary looking stranger. But, trust as much as you safely can. Pray. But don't become angry with God after the people you trust fail you. Somehow, somewhere, there is a purpose.

Sometimes we don't see the real fruits of those failures for years to come. But there is a purpose. Heavenly Father is the greatest strategist and choreographer of life. Sometimes His plot takes years, decades, and eras to finalize.

There are times, after someone has truly proved themselves as dangerous, that we do need to run. God will deliver you from that.