Integrity in Relationships

A dishonest man married to an honest, intelligent woman, is the most miserable man on the planet. It's too much work, stress, and emotional fatigue for him keeping his wife in place and blind to the truth. He believes that nothing can bring him more joy than leaving that awful woman and finding a woman who loves illusions, and never ask questions. At least for a while. Sadly, true love is found when you can put the entire truth on the table, and still be loved. The joy, true peace and relief that come from honesty and true unconditional love are immeasurable. I enjoyed a breakfast years ago with an older couple. It was the man's second wife. Being young and even more naive than I am now, before the breakfast, I thought, How amazing it is, that this man with such a checkered, unfaithful past, of 21 years of cheating, found a woman willing to marry him, and take a chance on him. How much he must really love and appreciate her for all she was willing to risk on him. At the breakfast it was disturbing to see how poorly he treated her. As I looked on them, I realized, he lied to her about who he was. She had no idea. No one in his family ever bothered to warn wife number two. The man treated her as though she was unworthy of him. After years of marriage, it seemed to me that he then hated her for her ignorance. I m sure that when they first married, he was delighted with his love for her, and her love for him. I looked at her and saw that her love for him was real and deep. I was sad because I knew that if he told the truth, she would still love him, it would be hard, but she would forgive him. The wife already invested so much in him. But his fears and conditional love held him back. Every time she told him she loved him, her words fell as invalid. He never told her the truth. She didn't know who he really was, because of his lies. Thus in the end, her words of love simply built his anger and resentment toward her. He was too blind and ignorant to see she could really love him unconditionally if he would just tell her the truth. He eventually found comfort from a waitress and left his wife. When you establish a relationship on lies, it brings temporary joy and leads to disaster. The first reason some one lies to build a relationship, is to impress in a world where love is conditional. They believe they have to lie to be loved. They cannot love unless the other meets certain criteria, and expect the same from others. A dishonest man is happiest (from his range of happiness) when those around him love him for this lies, never question him, believe in him and never check anything. But sadly, in the end everything he has work on amounts to nothing. I man I knew lied on his application under pressure, to enter a prestigious graduate school. Just before his graduation, his wife found out. She was devastated. When she heard him defend his application, and try to convince her the experience he claimed on it was true, and saw how comfortable he was in the deception, she began to wonder how many lies she had been told. While he was thrilled to get in, after graduation, he expressed how disappointed he was at the lack of joy in his graduation. After graduation, he had to continue the lies in applying for work. This led to more dissatisfaction and stress in the marriage. Of course the marriage ended. Why waste time lying to build futile relationships and achievements that can only end in grief. How sad that these men may never know the true happiness that can only come from a life of integrity. In comparison the joy these men could have felt if they told the truth. The graduate degree would have been real, the love would have been real. They deprived themselves of meaningful relationships and accomplishments.