Rape-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (RR-PTSD)

Originally published in 2012.

This morning was peaceful and pleasant. I planted some cucumbers, and some other plant I can't pronounce or spell. It has pretty little flowers, doesn't require too much water or good soil. It's supposed to chase away the squash bugs that destroyed my huge cucumber, cantaloupe, and pumpkin plants last summer. I planted some pansies too. My older daughter stayed home today, she wanted to read C.S. Lewis's Prince Caspian. I stole it from her when she wasn't looking. I sat down in my little garden room in the warm sun and began to read. Fauns, dwarfs, and little aggressive mice. Four little children, two boys, two girls on a wonderful adventure in a far away world. I was surprised by how much of the story I forgot. Suddenly, as I m reading, disgusting images fill my mind. I feel like vomiting, my face writhes in disgust. I feel sick inside as I remember and I experience a full body cringe. Shaking my head briskly, I just put it out of my mind, and go back to reading. I finished the book and returned it to my daughter. I went outside, adjusted my apple tree, and sorted through my summer vegetable seeds. My daughter and I left to raid the stores of their discount seed racks. Rape-Related Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (RR-PTSD) Sometimes it takes a while for RR-PTSD to develop. Sometimes it's instant. There are many phases, symptoms, and challenges those of us who suffer from it face. Redirecting my thoughts is a key to survival and functioning. When my mind was suddenly overcome with a grotesque memory, I went back to business as quickly as I could. I found things of beauty. I planted something I valued in the hopes of something good coming from them. I went back to my life, my garden, my children. In the past, those flashbacks used to completely disable me. I could feel the complete shame, degradation, physical pain, his eyes, hear every word he spoke, the confusion. Most people can't understand why spousal rape is harder to recover from than stranger rape. With spousal rape, the man who took pleasure in degrading you is the same man who lifted you up and spun you over his head in romantic joy while dating. He's the man you sacrificed for. He's the man who covenanted to love and protect you. In the LDS church, he's your eternal companion. Your children are bound to him. You have a need to work things out, help him overcome his weaknesses. At the same time, you are overwhelmed with fear, shame, and inescapable powerlessness. With spousal rape, you live in the world of the rapist. They define your life. Because he defines your world, you have to help him get better, so your own world can get better. He replaces both God and self. Until you escape. I watched a PBS special on a woman who was raped by two strangers. After they were sentenced, years later she had to attend their parole hearings once a year to plead for the prison not to release them. It showed how much it traumatized her each year. Man, that's nothing. Few spousal rapists are ever convicted, caught or reported. Countless women cope and share children with the man who raped them. These women live in a split confusing reality. With spousal rape, the more intense the relationship, the more painful and challenging the recovery. My advise for coping and recovery, gardening and chocolate. I just don't believe gardening can be beat. You walk outside, feel the sunlight, plant something that will grow, feed you or beautify your new world. If a plant misbehaves, you can just tie it up. Brother Brigham said we are supposed to make the whole earth as the Garden of Eden. I m starting with my yard. The dishes in my sink can wait. There is no joy for me in washing those dishes. But flowers, trees, soft grass under the toes, they define a new beautiful world I can have power in.