Learned Helplessness

Originally published in 2012 

My lovely naughty little boys used to love to take the pillow cushions off their Grandpa's couch, stack them, and leap onto them. 

Grandpa was kind and patient to let us live with him while we prepared for my husband to return to school. But the boy's daily ritual of massacring Grandpa's couch cushions was too much for me. I found six huge pillows for 50 cents each, then went to Wal Mart and bought some cheap fabric. I spent all day working on them. The boys were thrilled when I gave them six gargantuan pillows and told them to leave grandpa's alone. Now they could leap off the cushions from the couch to the pillows. When my husband came home, I bragged about my wonderful solution to the dilemma and my efforts, hoping he would be proud. He declared sternly, I... Did...Not...Tell...YOU...To...Do...That. I walked away confused. What did I do wrong? Did he not want the pillows for the children? As fall came and Christmas neared, I went to the dollar store to check out the loot. I found some lovely picture frames. They had cute wire picket's and deep green metal leaves. I realized with the money in my pocket I could finally purchase a gift for each of the in-law families. I planned to buy a frame for each family with a picture of our the children in it. We were always so financially strapped while my husband went to school, I felt guilty and horrible not to give a gift each year to the families. Other women seemed to have the creative talents I lacked in created cute inexpensive gifts. Thrilled, I bough enough and drove home excited to share my plans with my husband. Once home, I pulled one of the frames out for my husband to see as I shared my plans with him. He was furious. These are disguising and ugly. Natalie, when you give picture frames, you are imposing your taste on everyone else. Take these back, they are too ugly. He was furious and steaming. He gave me a lecture on imposing my tastes on others. I couldn't understand. I love the gifts I get from others that represent their tastes. Each time I look at past gifts, I see the personality of the giver and I smile. Anyway, we took the children to the park, and He yelled at the kids telling them to smile and sit right for the camera. It's funny how the pictures came out looking so cute. Now when I see smiling family photos representing a happy family, I wonder, what was really going on in the lives of the family members. What is real? I took half the frames back to the dollar store and bought standard wood style frames to give out. I felt disheartened and confused. As Christmas came closer, I pulled out our Christmas decoration boxes. I couldn't find Christmas stockings I liked for our family. Our children needed their mother to make them their special stockings to keep forever remembering their childhood. I dug through my fabric box, but I couldn't find any red fabric. As I though, I remembered my old shiny, royal purple prom dress my mother made for me. I dug it out of a box, and laid it on the floor. I sat staring for a while, contemplating how to get the most Christmas stockings from the dress. My husband walked in. I shared my plans with him for my prom dress. You are not going to make ugly purple Christmas stockings. My mother was an interior decorator. She knew what colors work, and what colors don't work. Do not make ugly purple Christmas stockings! He commanded. Hurt, confused, and sad, I put the dress away and pulled out the odd mismatched Christmas stockings for the holidays. Sister Brown at church was an oddball. She was there through the night my mother in law died. She sat there whispering, Go toward the light. Yeah. Anyway, Sister Brown approached me at church on Sunday, Oh Natalie, Marilyn made the most beautiful Christmas stocking, and I know she wants your beautiful daughter to have it. I can just hear her telling me how much she wants her granddaughter to have it. It's so beautiful. I will bring it for you next week. Great, more wonderful dead mother in law rhetoric. Thank you Sister Brown, that will be wonderful. I replied. She said the same thing every Sunday, and always responded as kindly as I could. Finally one Sunday, we sat behind her in Church. Sister Brown declared, I brought the stocking Marilyn wants A to have. And she pulled out a bright royal purple furry Christmas stocking, exactly the same shade and tone as my prom dress. I was stunned in silence. Obvious, Marilyn was watching. Marilyn knew. She knew what I was going through. Marilyn knew every time I showed initiative my husband cut me down. Marilyn knew every time I made an effort my husband degraded me. She knew my spirit was being killed a little bit more each day with her son. Marilyn knew her name was used to kill my spirit. And she knew, but could do nothing while she watched. Until I pulled out my royal purple prom dress. Learned Helplessness Every effort I made was cut down, for years, until I completely lost my ability to think for myself. I always waited for permission and to be told what to do. I became completely incompetent. If I came up with my own ideas, my husband cut them down. If I obeyed his exact commands, he would cut me down. As my own family values a hard work ethic, they seemed to think I was lazy when at family gatherings I sat and did nothing to help. They didn't understand I was waiting to be told exactly what to do. One of the hardest processes I went through after he left, was to think for myself. I would practically beg any stranger off the street to tell me what to do. I begged God to tell me what to do. The Lord just asked me what I wanted. He gave me whatever I wanted, but I just couldn't seem to understand and learn what to ask for. After years of parenting without my husband at my side, I ve learned again how to think for myself. Today my son asked me how much I paid for my piano. "I worked and saved $2,400 and bought it." "Did Dad yell at you?" He asked. I smiled, "No, I bought it before I met Dad."