I think of the words he spoke, "I shouldn't have to put up with a wife who complains about pain of feeling degraded during sex." At 2:30 am when our daughter was 2 and a half weeks old. And how he spent the next hour lecturing me on how to please him and what he expected of me. I felt so degraded i wanted to die.
I knew then that all those times I tried to tell him he was hurting me, he really didn't care.
I think of how he partook of the sacrament the Sunday after, unbothered by his conscience.
"You need to do more to please your husband." From his brother shortly after.
I think of how he smiled with a twinkle in his eye while he lied to his sister about her husbands fidelity for a decade.
I think of how he smile with a twinkle in his eyes at his classmates, then found out at the end of the program they all believed he had 13 years of "strategic marketing experience." When I confronted my husband who worked loading trucks, and at Airtouch Customer Support, He explained to me that he did have that experience. Did he think I'm crazy. That he could just rewrite history and I would go along with it?
I knew if he wanted that he would have to find a wife who knew nothing and would go along with anything he said.
When someone smiles with a twinkle in there eye, why is it we think they have a clear conscience.
What do you need in your life to smile with confidence?
The only way to know the difference between a clear conscience and no conscience in someone else, is to actually see what they do, not what they say.
As much as I wanted to heal our family, his ability to smile with a sparkle in his eyes, when he was guilty of terrible things, scared the hell out of me.
Having someone so close, who shares the most intimate parts of your life, to find out the one you love and have sacrificed everything for, suffered every hardship, every deprivation for their behalf, to find out that they can any immoral act and be so unbothered immediately after, that they can smile with a comforting twinkle, is beyond my moral comprehension.
The scary ugly monsters in the movies are nothing compared to this.
To have someone degrade you as lowly as they possible can in the most intimate moments, and see them stand and play righteous at church.
To know that you can't tell by looking at them what they really are.
To realize that you will never know what reality is while you stand next to them.
Is terrifying.
Then to look at my children, and know they need to have a father they can look up to and honor.
As disgusted as aI felt when I was expected to lie to my sister in law about her husband. As awkward as that relationship felt, and painfully immoral.
What is right in regards to my children?
I want the father of my children to be worthy of respect and emulation. So my children can follow after him.
But I don’t want to participate in a lie, a fraud.
I wish he would live worthy and with integrity by telling the truth.
God is a God of truth. He is no respector of persons. It doesn’t matter how charming someone is.
The best way to show how I feel when he smiles is an Episode of X-Files. Leave it to Scully and Moulder to express my deepest emotions.
Scully and Moulder are investigating a murder in the woods and enter a cave. The cave turns out to be a massive mile wide underground fungi mushroom that oozes an hallucinogen, while it sedates and digests them.
Meanwhile Scully and Moulder both come to believe all their dreams come true while they dream. Then after a while they realize they are still in the cave covered in ooze. They climb out and escape the ooze. Then back at the office, Moulder sees ooze behind his boss, and realizes they are still in the cave, dreaming all is well, while being digested by the mushroom fungi ooze.
This time their friends come and rescue them, but then again, how will they ever really know what reality is?
Happily ever after with someone who can lie effectively and is willing to, is like giant, mushroom fungi ooze.
So when I see him smile, I see ooze. How do you ever know what reality is?
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