It took me years before I could even begin to form the words of what happened to me.
Yet every night, I cried into my pillow as I tried to go to sleep at night.
Terrible memories of what he did to me replayed in my mind.
But I was so afraid to talk to anyone about it.
It was so ugly, so shameful. I couldn't believe he could do those things to me.
About a year after the divorce he was prosecuted for something much smaller, just hitting me.
I didn't have the courage to tell anyone about the other things, so I decided to support the prosecution of the smaller case.
I was also afraid for his behalf. I didn't want to hurt him. The state of Idaho Prosecutes the husband when the wife is unwilling. They promised me they'd just force him to go to anger management. I believed it would help him.
I didn't have the courage to come forward to talk about the more serious things that happened to me.
The month before the hearing was pure hell. Just thinking about testifying against my husband whom I still loved was horrible to me. Yet so much was screaming inside of me to get out.
The day before the sentencing I Counseled with one I trusted. I hinted to what I could not actually form the words to say. I asked if I should speak of those things at the sentencing. I was told, "If it is true, tell it."
One of my biggest fears, beyond just the horror of testifying against someone you love was this. I was afraid I would loose my children in custody court if I spoke out about what he did to me intimately. He was the one with money for attorneys, not me. I was afraid that if I spoke out about serious abuse, he would accuse me of false accusations, because he was more persuasive, even when he was wrong. I was so scared of him and the power he pretended to have.
I spoke at the hearing. The judge let me go on and on. I don't remember what I said. It was like a blackout in my mind. I remember bits and pieces of what I said. I remember trembling.
I felt blessed that although I didn't have the courage or strength or understanding to do the real thing, for the real case that should have been, I had a small measure of peace.
But some foolish women like me, do fear to speak out, for fear of harming their children with the knowledge of the truth, or loosing their children to men with the money who hire attorneys and punish women who speak out.
I do know there are those who are so twisted and evil that would punish a woman by using those cries for help against them in court to attempt to take their children away.
If anyone ever came to me trying to silence a woman, or punish a woman for speaking about abuse, I would shout it to the world and take them to the cleaners. I will always speak out against abuse. I will always defend and protect the abused. Ghandi taught by word and example that best way to overcome abusers is to speak out against them publicly.
Yet every night, I cried into my pillow as I tried to go to sleep at night.
Terrible memories of what he did to me replayed in my mind.
But I was so afraid to talk to anyone about it.
It was so ugly, so shameful. I couldn't believe he could do those things to me.
About a year after the divorce he was prosecuted for something much smaller, just hitting me.
I didn't have the courage to tell anyone about the other things, so I decided to support the prosecution of the smaller case.
I was also afraid for his behalf. I didn't want to hurt him. The state of Idaho Prosecutes the husband when the wife is unwilling. They promised me they'd just force him to go to anger management. I believed it would help him.
I didn't have the courage to come forward to talk about the more serious things that happened to me.
The month before the hearing was pure hell. Just thinking about testifying against my husband whom I still loved was horrible to me. Yet so much was screaming inside of me to get out.
The day before the sentencing I Counseled with one I trusted. I hinted to what I could not actually form the words to say. I asked if I should speak of those things at the sentencing. I was told, "If it is true, tell it."
One of my biggest fears, beyond just the horror of testifying against someone you love was this. I was afraid I would loose my children in custody court if I spoke out about what he did to me intimately. He was the one with money for attorneys, not me. I was afraid that if I spoke out about serious abuse, he would accuse me of false accusations, because he was more persuasive, even when he was wrong. I was so scared of him and the power he pretended to have.
I spoke at the hearing. The judge let me go on and on. I don't remember what I said. It was like a blackout in my mind. I remember bits and pieces of what I said. I remember trembling.
I felt blessed that although I didn't have the courage or strength or understanding to do the real thing, for the real case that should have been, I had a small measure of peace.
But some foolish women like me, do fear to speak out, for fear of harming their children with the knowledge of the truth, or loosing their children to men with the money who hire attorneys and punish women who speak out.
I do know there are those who are so twisted and evil that would punish a woman by using those cries for help against them in court to attempt to take their children away.
If anyone ever came to me trying to silence a woman, or punish a woman for speaking about abuse, I would shout it to the world and take them to the cleaners. I will always speak out against abuse. I will always defend and protect the abused. Ghandi taught by word and example that best way to overcome abusers is to speak out against them publicly.
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