There are those who are violently angry that I exist. It's true. I know that for certain people, I am not allowed to exist. But here's the thing, I do exist. I'm a good person and I've always been a good person. There are those who find that premise offensive too. I live in a bizarre reality. 21 years ago, my husband came home from a fishing trip with his brothers. When he left, he kissed me and told me he loved me. When he returned, he was angry with me, with an anger that was terrifying to me. He was angry that I was pregnant against his will, although the conception was against my will. He believed that everything I did from that point on had evil intentions. That I was out to control him. That he could be controlled. He seemed to believe he could read my mind and determined that everything I did was for evil. He believed that every condition that existed was an intentional action on my part to have dominion over him. I was completely confused and bewildered by his words and actions. I thought that if I was kind enough, loving enough, sincere enough, and sacrificed enough that he would see the sincerity of my soul. The more faithful I was the more I proved in his eyes that I was manipulatively evil. He became dangerous for me.

One night I prayed that I could have physical evidence of my honorable intentions on one matter. When I woke up the next morning I was reminded of a few items. I brought them to him to show him and say, see, "these were not my intentions, and here's why." Physical proof of my innocence angered him even more. I realized then that he needed me to be guilty for him to justify himself. Since that year, his being has been dependent on my guilt, my continual guilt. Every good I have done has been seen with evil intent.

Our beautiful daughter was kind and sweet and delightful. She would come to me every day and take me by the hand and say, "Mommy, teach me to play piano. Mommy, teach me to read.” Just as there is physical death, there is spiritual death. Just as there is physical murder, there is the murder of the soul. Well, our beautiful daughter was amazing, then in mid-elementary school, she became angry, confused, and distrustful. I decided to show her loving kindness and patience and did my best to show her how to calmly handle disappointment by example. After over 6 months of her fighting the simplest things, as we were sitting together on the couch she suddenly said, “Daddy says you are evil and have evil intentions when you do good. A bitter tree can’t bring good fruit.” Oh, I died inside that day even a little more for my little girl. I worked so hard for her, to show her how much I loved her, but what is it to be loved by an “evil” mother. She went downhill for years. Self-harm, drugs, suicidal idealization, the works. After she went downhill her father said, “She’s not allowed to come to my house.” She was an adoring Daddy’s girl. This broke her even more, and he left a gaping hole in her heart that I could never fill. After many years she stabilized. But the road was pure hell. There were times I was overcome and lost my crap. I love my child so much and am still so angry about what was done to her.

  Twenty years ago, the week of 9/11 when this all started and I prayed, the answer I always got was “look at the Holocaust.” That was the worse answer imaginable. I refused to do so for several years. Finally, I looked at the history and propaganda of genocide and hate and found the same logic. Someone, an individual, or a group exists to control you. Everything they do is to control you, sex, propagation, growing a garden, brushing your teeth, anything is to further their intent on your dominion. In the 20 years of co-parenting, I was constantly confronted with invented beliefs of ill intent on my part. None of those beliefs he had contained any part of reality. I loved him. I loved our children. I was faithful to him, our children, and most of all to God. The more he acted on his belief that I was guilty of some imagined evil, the more his own validity depended on my guilt. But none of that guilt has ever existed.

When we punish those, we perceive them as evil, and how we punish them, leaves us in a position of our own innocence depending on their guilt. Everything I do is based on those terrible lessons.

Everything I do is based on the vision I was given at the birth of my last child when I saw and felt the suffering of all women. I saw the suffering of all women together and felt them. Even amongst them all, I asked God for help. I was promised the aid that I required and instructed to work for good. The door to that holy place, where I felt every other woman, is always ajar, and I always feel it. The only peace I will ever have, is in working to find ways to serve these women. Peace in the world. Overcoming famine, overcoming hunger, overcoming war and conflict, overcoming the ignorance of hate.

Projecting evil intent on the innocent is at the root of all conflicts. It is how you bring people to hatred for the innocent. This is why the Savior taught us to be kind to those we perceive as evil.