Two years ago, in the fall of 2006 I suffered a complete mental breakdown. I laid in bed for weeks crying. I got up to take care of my children, sent them to school, fell back down and cried.
It was one of those moments in time where all the horrible events of ones life converge into a single painful climax.
My daughter, then 4 years old was diagnosed with low functioning Autism. It was a sick reminder to me of the abuse I had suffered before, during and after my pregnancy with her. I tolerated abuse, and my children suffered for it.
I had warned my husband Mathew, in March of 2001 of the risk of birth defects due to my medication. He ignored me, refused to allow protection, and raped me. I once again forgave him silently and went on as usual, trying to make the best of things. On September 14, 2001, while I was six months pregnant, Mathew told me he was angry that I was pregnant. That he was leaving me as soon as the baby was born. Mathew told me I was to fat, and had to loose weight. Mathew told said he saw our pregnancy as just a manipulation to trap him into marriage. This was our fourth child!
I did not remind Mathew that if we were very very lucky, our child would only have learning disabilities. Mathew had come to believe that when I was kind, when I turned the other cheek, when I did what he asked, I was simply manipulating him. Everything was control and manipulation to him.
I was a afraid that if I told him about our child's disabilities, he would reject her. He would tell me that it was just another manipulation made up to trap him. If she only suffered from learning disabilities, it would be best for him not to know, until after he fell in love with her. I did not want my daughter to suffer from being rejected by her father. Every little girl, even those with fathers in prison, needs to believe, even if it’s just an illusion, every little girl needs to believe her father loves her.
He stayed until her birth, mentally abused me until I could barely function, rejected her, then left. But in court he pretended to have a relationship with her, and sought custody of her with the other children. That was my fault though.
Just before our daughter turned 2, I was under the false impression that the Statute of Limitations in California where the rape took place, was coming up. It was a difficult decision, but I wanted peace so badly, I wanted my husband to repent and fix our family. I could not bear the thought of pressing charges. I took the evidence of the rape, placed them away in a drawer. I wrote a long letter to Mathew’s family explaining the rape and the events and gently as I could and sent it to the family members.
Mathew’s oldest brother, one I though I respected, told me he would not read the letter, and sent it off to his other brother, who is known for his cruelty, sarcasm and mean spirit. His other brother of course sent me a scathing mocking email.
By the time the reply came to me it was too late. I had to live with the decision I made.
But now, in the fall of 2006, years after putting it all behind me, it all came back. The real consequences of the abuse. I came across a study correlating trauma during pregnancy to Autism. Apparently the stress hormones aren’t too good for developing babies, and doubles the rate of Autism. Imagine that. Unborn babies do suffer when their mother suffers.
My daughter was diagnosed and...
I also discovered that I was wrong about the statute of limitations for spousal rape in California.
California passed a bill, extending the statute of limitations for spousal rape to 6 years.
Suddenly, a decision I put away so I could live as a sane woman, was dumped on my lap with a sick overwhelming force. Once again, I had to decide once again.
2 comments:
You said, "Every little girl, even those with fathers in prison, needs to believe, even if it’s just an illusion, every little girl needs to believe her father loves her."
I say, "Why?" What good could come of telling a child that her father, or any parent for that matter, loves them, when it's a lie? The lying parent will, eventually, get caught out.
I'm not saying that any parent would say to a child that the other parent DOESN'T love them. What I'm saying is that it does no good to lie to a child. The topic of whether the other parent loves them or not is best not broached.
If a parent (let's say father for simplicity sakes) abuses their child, rarely tells them they love them, and would prefer to ignore, neglect, make fun of, yell and scream at them, then it is most definately NOT the mother's job to say, "Oh, your father really does love you. He doesn't really mean what he says and does. Deep down, he cares." This is a load of bollocks! And sets the child up for confusion - that can last a life-time. A child is not stupid and should be allowed to know what abuse is when it happens to them. If Daddy is consistently impatient with them, but Mummy says it's because Daddy loves them, what is the child supposed to make of that? It can lead to a lifetime of confusion, misunderstanding and a long time not knowing what abuse is.
At what age do you stop making excuses for the other parent? Once the habit starts, it may be very hard to break.
I say, tell the truth for what it is from the start. It teaches the child honesty and recognition of what abuse is, and how it should not be tolerated. It's a lesson that can last a life time.
If a child has an abusive parent, it's best to figure it out early, rather than later....coz sometimes it just simply becomes 'too late'.
Lynn, I love you strong view point. And yes you are right. I don't believe in lying to the child about the uncaring parent. The painful last decade has taught me some brutal lessons about abuse and children. I've made huge mistakes in handling it. Many of the weak minded ideals I started out with are proven wrong.
Thank you Lynn.
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