August 13, 2001 my second sons first day of Kindergarten. One month before the fall of the Twin Towers.
It was to be the end of many long hardships, and the beginning of a better life.
Mathew, my husband finally graduated saith a Master's degree in International Business eight months prior. He was working for division of Intel.
The years of hardships we faced bravely as a family while Mathew attended college were finally over.
We could finally buy a home, decide where to live. After Mathew worked hard enough to secure his position at work, we could finally focus on our families needs.
I learned that when I forgave my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I sacrificed for my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I faced hardships for his goals, my love for him grew.
I felt blessed to be married to the man I knew without any doubt I was meant to be with.
We had 3 5/9 beautiful children. I was worried about the little girl I was pregnant with, but her tests came back okay for disabilities. I knew she was still at risk for mental delays and learning disabilities, but I tried to keep a positive attitude.
My husband was struggling with his relationships at work. I knew he was unhappy, and I knew why.
He was a very driven man who set out boldly to accomplish anything he set his mind to. I learned not to ever get in his way, and supported him whole heartedly. I delighted in watching him progress and reach his goals.
But at the same time I felt jealous. He didn't always worry about how his goals affected his family. His pursuits often left us at the side. I tried to make the burden of a family easy on him and a joyful for him as possible.
He was at a turn in the road. A turn I knew was coming. I knew that focusing on career would not bring him happiness and peace.
I knew that true happiness came from intimately loving and serving your family.
We had obvious problems in our relationship. But he didn't think he had the time to work on it.
I knew that after graduating and starting his career he would come to a turning point where he would realize that his career wasn't the source of joy or peace.
Yes his career finally provided. Many men drive for UPS or garbage trucks and still are happy because they take the time for their family.
International business was a hard worked for goal, it would provide well and reward us for the many hardships we faced.
But ultimately it is sacred family relationships that bring true happiness.
Mathew didn't like to be told what to do. Duh, he's a man. So I waited. I trusted completely the process of experience.
I knew without any doubt, he would come to realize his career wasn't the ultimate source of joy and happiness.
I knew without any doubt, that after Mathew realized that, the most obvious response would be to focus on what brings joy, his family.
All the years I watched his zealous work at school, I knew that once he brought that same passion to work on our relationships and his relationships with his children, it would be beautiful.
I used to think, if he only put a fifth of the effort into his family that he put into his career, how much happiness we would have.
But I also knew, he had to decide this on his own. He was always worried about being controlled. He was so sensitive to it.
It just had to be his realization, his choice.
I yearned for his love, for his gratitude, for him to take me in his arms and thank me for all the sacrifices, the hard times, the tenacity, to feel his complete love for me and the children.
I knew a turning point was coming. I did my best to stand by him and be patient and offer him all my love.
At the same time, I was so tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. He dove right into work as soon as he graduated.
We didn't have time to even find a home yet. We were back living with family in California. We had his signing bonus in the bank, a baby coming, several things to settle.
I hadn't had a break in years. Because of his hard work, he didn't have much time to help at home. I was so tired. I knew it would be a while before we could relax and celebrate a little. Take a real vacation.
The first week of September he decide to take a break. No not together. He wanted to go fishing for a week with the men in his family.
I felt hurt, but I knew he needed the break. I knew he needed time with his family. Although I knew there was at least one family member that scared me with his ability to reach people to hate, I had trust in my husbands strength.
I could see the crisis growing in his heart. I knew he had to face it. I knew it had to be his decision.
I had to trust him to be strong enough and wise enough to pass through it. I had to let it happen.
He got up early in the morning to leave to his fishing trip. He kissed the sleeping children with a sad troubled look on his face.
At the door, he kissed me and told me he loved me. I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt a little scared inside. But I knew I had to let him go on the trip.
As I watched the car drive out of the coul de sac, something in my heart tore. Would the man I loved come back? Was that the last time I would see my dear husband?
I shook it off. Decided to be brave, and prepared for the children to wake.
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