She lays for a moment, confused about what just happened. He rolls over and gives one last sigh, lays firmly on his back, closes his eyes and falls asleep.
She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath for a moment. She sits up and slowly walks into the bathroom.
What just happened? What should she do? She knows she's not supposed to take a shower. Every woman knows that. Don't take a shower. But it will feel so comforting. What difference does taking a shower make anyway? They are married. What's the point of a kit.
She thinks for a moment, should she go to the doctor to get that pill. She can shower while she decides.
When a woman is in control of her life, of her surroundings, she takes a bath. But this is one of those occasions, a shower is the only option. The thought of the warm soothing water running over her, leads her to turn on the water, undress, and step in.
One last time, before it's too late, "Don't take a shower. Go to the hospital. She hears in her head.
"But it wasn't rape, he is my husband. It's not like that."
Why didn't he listen? She told him earlier that month that the medication and immunization the doctor gave her could cause serious birth defects, that she didn't want to get pregnant at that time. She told him she was ovulating. She always told him when she was ovulating. She pushed him off twice and told him to use protection. He told her she didn't need protection. He told her she was not ovulating. He thought he knew better. He never did that before. He didn't know how the medication would affect the symptoms of ovulation. Why now? Why did he ignore her when it mattered the most?
She curses her weak little arms, and pledges to work out more. If only she could have strong enough to pushed him off more forcefully.
As the hot water runs over, her she stands as a million thoughts paralyze her. She stares at the soap scum on the shower door.
She thinks of her friend's little baby boy with birth defects. His funny shaped face and body. She thinks of all the care and love her friend gives her disabled boy, the work, the need for meticulous care of the child. Can she live up to that? She thinks of the family she knows caring for their adult son lying in bed watching Disney, who took medication the doctor claimed was safe when he was 9 months old. Is she capable of that kind of overwhelming care for up to 35 years?
What just happened? She doesn't mind the lack of power in her relationship with her husband. She doesn't need power. She just wants him to take better care at more informed decisions. She just wants him to consider her a little when he makes those decisions. "I guess he wants to be the one to decide when I'm ovulating?" She tells herself. But he doesn't know about all the other symptoms. I guess he's decided to be the one to determine my cycle.
He decides what she likes. He decides what she doesn't like. If she tries to tell him not to do something, he holds her wrists and does it anyway. She tells him what hurts, but he does it anyway, it's his favorite position. She grips the sheets in pain and waits it out. She wishes he wouldn't do that. She wishes he would listen.
What should she do now? If she goes to the emergency room to take that pill, what will they ask her? How does she explain to the doctor that he forced her, but it wasn't really rape? It wasn't like that.
She doesn't have any bruises. She's not bleeding. Don't rape victims have bruises? It's not rape.
Should she terminate the inevitable pregnancy? What will her baby suffer through? She didn't like the way her friend forced her disabled infant to live through so many invasive surgeries. Should she make the same choice?
Her religion teaches her that if she's raped or the baby has serious birth defects it's okay to terminate the pregnancy. But it wasn't really rape, it was her husband. And she doesn't really know if the baby will be okay or not.
She thinks of the surgery she needs to have. She knows she'll have to wait to take care of the surgery. Nine months plus an extra six months after the delivery. That's when she can have the surgery. Since she didn't have the surgery, both she and the baby will be at risk. Her teeth? The dentist can't do those procedures on pregnant women. She can't take care of that. It will have to wait. Her body, she wanted to physically prepare it for pregnancy first.
For merely half a second she considers that maybe she should go in to the ER. A gentle voice from within says, "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability."
She leans against the shower wall. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"
She closes her eyes. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"
Can she end that?
She decides can not to go in to take the pill.
How will she tell him? She knows she can't talk to him about what happened. She's used to waiting to talk to him about her concerns. She's been waiting for years. Will he accept a child with a disability? Will he get mad at her and somehow blame her for getting pregnant? She should have pushed him away a third time, but he was so strong. He would have been angry with her.
She feels sad for him. He's going to feel so bad when he realizes what he did. His actions brought disability to his own child.
She commits to never condemn him for what he did. She must forgive him. She thinks of them together 20 years later, taking care of a special needs adult, and commits, even then, Even after I m exhausted, I will not show or feel anger. I will forgive him.
At least the child will be born into a loving family. She tells herself.
She silently prays to God. She asks God to forgive her husband for what he did to her, and her child.
God's answer was bold and shocking.
"No."
Confused, she asks the Lord to forgive him again.
"No."
She can't comprehend the answer. It's too much for her mind to grasp.
"Natalie, your submission to your husband's abuse has brought harm to your child. It's not just a sin against you, it's a sin against your child, you don't have the right to ask me that."
She shakes off the thought and blocks it out. It is too much.
What she doesn't understand, is that pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times for battered women.
What she doesn't understand, is that she is a battered woman.
What she doesn't understand, is that she doesn't have a loving family.
Abusers need control over their partner. Pregnancy is a threat to that power and control.
Pregnancy increases the risk of domestic violence.
The woman will have to put her body first. She will have to prepare for someone other than him in her life. She will have to think about someone else. He will lose a measure of control over her.
But most of all, for 9 months and after, her body will not be completely his.
He will not be happy that she is pregnant.
He will not accept responsibility for his actions.
He will not be there to comfort and help her as her child lays in intensive care.
He will not be there to comfort and support them at night as she holds her child during a seizure.
He will not be there to provide love and comfort during medical procedures.
He will blame her.
He will punish her.
Her body, her mind, and her baby, and her other children are at risk.
Her nightmare is only beginning.
She turns off the shower, dries her body, puts on her pajamas, and climbs into bed.
She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath.
When a man rapes a woman, he rapes her body.
When a husband rapes his wife, he rapes her soul.
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