One of the greatest challenges I faced in standing up to my husband was that I loved him. I never felt anger for him. It wasn't until even around the time divorce finalized (which took years), that I finally got to the anger phase. Thus I had to fight him without anger or malice.
I wast trying to save our marriage at the same time as a divorce battle. But I knew I couldn't save it by complying with his demands. I didn't want to go back to what was.
If our marriage was to work, he was going to have to respect me, my feeling, my ideas, my thoughts, my heart. Not make sport of them.
Well, I was truly, "Slow to anger." Thus I had to fight a major legal battle with the one person I loved most in the world. I would laugh at the sick thought of "This hurts me more than it hurts you."
My mood has changed.
Now I have to be careful. I have to limit my exposure to him. I consider him worthy of the greatest malice imaginable. And I must not act on it.
It takes "Trust in the Lord", to a whole new level.
1 comment:
How do you go to divorce court when you know in your heart of hearts that you still love the man who cannot (or will not) love you back?
This is one of the hardest challenges I've ever faced: divorcing someone when I believed our marriage was a sacred vow, a commitment to stick by one another through thick-and-thin.
It was pure torture.
I had to figure out what "I" needed, what "I" was entitled to receive as a consequence of our long-term relationship. I had to stand up for myself in a way that I never expected.
When we knelt before the alter, I never predicted the day would come when I'd have to don a pair of combat boots to save myself from my husband.
Like you, I was not as angry as I ought have been but trusted the guidance of my Bishop who encouraged me to trust in the Lord. That this process, tragic as it was in the eyes of heaven, was necessary.
I secretly hoped some angel with swords would swoop down on the soon-to-be-x and give him a swift jab to his you-know-what. Or at least strike him dumb for three days until he woke up with a chastened heart.
Our work (or I should say MY work) was recognizing my worth and protecting myself from harm.
It was excruciating because at that point, I wasn't angry enough to assert myself. It has taken quite a long time to be truly angry about being treated disrespectfully---for being mocked and ridiculed and having my most sacred values trod upon as if they were worthless, or naive, or silly.
I listened to the counsel of spiritual leaders who encouraged me, even when I resisted, to end the marriage.
I've been reading your blog for quite some time and wanted to let you know how much I value your writing. And your honesty!
Hugs,
CZ
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