Redirecting Guilt

While hurtful, I’ve always found this behavior fascinating because it’s completely out of my realm of prior understanding of human relationships.

This Event Model has repeated itself for years in abusive relationships in small conflicts, and major conflicts.

1. Abuser, being a normal human, makes a mistake.
2. Partner deals with it, is nice, just looks past the problem and forgives.
3. Abuser, being an Abuser, finds a reason to get angry with Partner and lashes out at him/her.

An explanations for this can be found in different behavior models. But which, if any accurately explain it?

In the Power Over Model, the abuser has lost power, and must regain it by belittling the Partner.

In the Agency and Accountability Model, the Abuser has not yet achieved a personal sense of his agency and personal accountability for his thoughts, emotions, words and actions. He doesn’t have a sense of how his feelings of guilt are his own. He doesn’t understand how he caused the negative emotions within himself, and must redirect the feelings of guilt to the person he believes has power over his emotions.

In simple terms, every time an abuser makes a mistake, he covers it up with one of hers. If she did not make a mistake, he will make one up.

This behavior is common among most abusers.

Situation 1
Many women tell of their husbands coming home after an unfaithful incident, and tear into their wife, telling her how it’s her fault he messed up. The unfaithful husband lectures the wife on how she can become the woman he won’t cheat on.

Situation 2
Even in a small conflict, he Abuser has redirected any negative emotions about his/her mistake to the Partner.

The Abuser has anger and guilt that has to be redirected elsewhere.

Women who live with this for an extended period of time eventually learn to downgrade every mistake the abuser makes, knowing that the anger she receives will be related to the degree of guilt he feels.