Early in the relationship, he would have terrible outbursts. His mother was dying of cancer, so I just told myself, "He's going thru a difficult time."
But he would never say he was sorry afterward, or acknowledge he did anything wrong.
I used to mentally measure how "he was getting better." Thinking, "Oh he only had three outbursts this week." Always believing he was striving to do better.
They say the cycle of abuse included the apology, remorse, flowers phase. I never saw that part of the cycle. Oh he would turn nice for a period, But never say he was sorry or try to make up for what he did.
After everything blew up completely, there were times we could have reconciled, but I couldn't go back to the cycle. I needed him to repent, to apologize, to confess, to forsake what he had done.
The Apology never name. There were hints and suggestions. If the repentance was real, it would have been just as heartfelt and intense as the cruelty.
After so many years of no apology, it wouldn't have taken much to win me over.
After being told over and over again, how worthless I was, and having my feelings treated with such distaine and disregard, even to the point that he seemed to rejoice and revel in hurting me, I just needed to be told that I was of worth, that my feelings were valid and justified. That I was worthy of the dignity of an apology.
I was also terrified of taking him back, and not having the change real. I was worried about the consequences to me and the children if any of the behavior continued.
I loved him dearly, even after everything he did, but I had to respect myself and the truth.
Not letting someone back, when you love them with all your heart, and they are being nice for a few minutes again, and everything about them seems so nice for the moment, is really hard. It burns.
