To Love a Wayward Parent

The unconditional love children can have for their parents is amazing.  Of all the stories I've heard from children, young and old about their parents, it seems their is only one unforgivable crime.

No matter all the terrible things a parent can do, even if they are in prison, it seems that only one thing can ultimatly cut them off from the child.

As long as the child, (adult child or young) feels and sees that their parent loves them, respects them, and cares about them and their well being, that seems to be the most vital thing they need.

Beyond that, a parent can commit so many terrible things, but once that parent turns to their child and says, "I love  you, I respect you, and I'm sorry." and demonstrates that they really mean it, that's all they need.

When you sort past all the nitty, gritty messes of family relationships, it comes down to that one simple principle, the need to be loved, respected and accepted, trumps just about everything.

A New Birth

The last time I gave birth, I was so terrified.

My nephew had just taken his life the week before.  My husband promised to leave me after her birth.

The World Trade Center had come down.

Other things happened that really scared me.   I was afraid for my children's future.  I felt so alone.

I have wonderful healthy pregnancies, and make up for all the missed pregnancy suffering all in child labor.

The doctor who administered the epidural did it wrong and I felt complete pain.

In that hospital room I felt that my emotional suffering was complete.

I felt that my spiritual fears and suffering was complete.

I felt that my husband's betrayal and cruelty was complete.

I felt my physical suffering was complete.

My husband was their with me physically, and put on a video of that ape planet movie to comfort me?  He was cold and distant.

I can't look back at that day, without falling apart.  So I will skip much of the story details, to make the major point.

After hours of pain and complete suffering, my mind turned to the others.

I saw a young girl in another hospital far away, she was giving birth too.  She was in a hospital without family, a young teenage girl, becoming a mother.  I felt her pain and fear, and her wondering how she was going to meet her new responsibilities.

I saw another mother, so far away, in a hut, I felt her as she laid dying on a dirt floor, surrounded by her helpless small children.   I felt her heart tear as she ached to live for the sake of her children.   And I felt her spirit cry out as she died, and left her children helpless.  I felt as her spirit left her body.

In that moment, I felt every woman.

I felt the joined souls of every woman suffering at that moment.

All of them across the earth in one singular cry, their souls united in a song of suffering to the Lord.

I felt and saw them all as their heart broken souls stood before the Lord.

The uniting power of the suffering women was overwhelming.

I felt selfish and ashamed to ask the Lord to attend to my hardship, while their was so much suffering.  At the same time, I asked to, and prayed to the Lord for his aid.

I was answered, and the Lord promised to watch over me.

There was more.

But, I will tell you this.

God loves his daughters.  They are precious to him.   He hears every cry and counts every tear.  He is aware, he is very aware. 

To offend his daughters is to offend him.  He is wise and all powerful.

I have wondered how any being can withstand, and bear to exist the weight of the suffering.

I have come to believe, that the only means of peace for our Lord, is to exercise that power he has, sometimes swiftly, and sometimes in his own due time, at the oportune moment, to bring protection and justice.

I want every woman to know this.  That God is real.  That God loves them.   That he knows their unjust suffering.  That tears are counted.  He knows.

And when God chooses to act....

Step Parent Parental Alienation

Imagine the cruel step mothers from all those terrible children's stories, but the father isn't even dead.

Do some step mothers see the adolescent daughter as competition?  Then persuade the father the child is corrupt in order to alienate the child from the father?

When a man has an affair, the adulterous women he is with, will try to alienate the man from his wife.  She will encourage him to believe every negative thought about his wife, and try to point more out to him.  She will help him to see the evil in his wife.  The man, looking to justify himself, loves it, and feeds on it.

A "wicked" step mother/parent can do the same with the father and the child.  Just like the woman luring a man from a sacred relationship, a cruel step mother can use all the same tactics to drive a wedge between the "competing" daughter and her father.  These step mothers are of the same character as a woman luring a man from his wife.

This of course, is most likely to happen when the father once showered love on his daughter, and the step mother resents it.

If a young girl, who once felt showered with love by her father, is painfully alienated from her father, the consequence can be devastating and even fatal.  As the child is alienated, of course she will act out and give the step mother more rotten material to work with.

It's pathetic that some men are so completely well, without any sense of reality that they fall for this.  There is a special place prepared for such men.

A good man who really loves and cherished his sweet beautiful daughter, who understands his God given commandment to protect his precious daughter, who remembers those tender childhood little girl moments, could never do such a sick thing. It's hard to believe that such a father's love was ever real.

A woman who has inner strength and confidence would never do this to a step daughter.  A strong faithful women has nothing to fear from a cherished step daughter.  A strong confident women who has confidence in her relationship with her husband, would never do this.  She would welcome her step daughter with open arms.

These women who alienate children from their fathers,  are easy for most moms to spot.

I have so much more to say on this, but I can't.  When you see one you love suffer, and are powerless to change the heartache...  It's profoundly amazing how dark and twisted a mind can become that a father cannot even begin to recognize real love.

We are each responsible for our relationships with our children. 

I asked God a question 10 years ago when I was in the hospital with a ill newborn.   If a man has no natural affection for his children, and no desire to fulfill his fatherly duties to the child, is the father's heart then,  so corrupt that it's better that the father leave anyway?

Is it better to let such a "parent" walk away?

The guilty step parent may even accuse the child of committing the very crime they have gotten away with.  Who is doing the real alienating?   The child left in the cold is not the guilty one.  The evidence is in who is abandoned in the end.

Who do we Protect?

I put every part of my living breathing into trying to save my first marriage.  I believed in the institution of marriage to protect me and my children.

I believed the timing of  a young boys death served as a personal warning for us to make our marriage work.  I worked hard believing our children's very lives depended on it.   Years later, after a callous comment he made, and countless incidents, I realized, instead the death was a warning of the kind of man and family he represented. But then I realized, my children's lives depended on me standing up to him.   I wanted him back, pathetic yes, but I loved him.  But I realized that if I couldn't stand up to him, when he was unkind or cruel to our children, or to anyone, that we should not be together for their sake.

After not personally speaking to him for two years, I was shocked by his way of thinking when we spoke again.   I found him so far off key. Even more disturbing, I found myself agreeing with him in conversations, then after the conversations,  I felt like I "woke up"  and shook it off and was angry with myself for being so blurry minded in the moment.  I didn't like the way I couldn't retain myself with him.  It tore me up terribly. It was the hardest thing I never wanted to accept.  When I looked at him I felt eternity.  But I had to accept the reality of his cruelty.

I always though he would get better.

Now, I don't like the way he treats my children.   Sometimes I feel like there is so little I can do to protect them.  I try to teach them to put their faith and strength in God.   He is the one who will never fail us.  It's hard when you see your child hurting so much.

When our children are hurting, we as parents should be willing to put our own needs aside to help them.  

The other week, a new show, "Touch" about a father with an autistic son was on television.  In it the son, climbed a cell tower and sat at the top.  When the father came to help him, the father was afraid of heights, but it didn't matter, he still climbed to the top to save and protect his son.  As a true father he put his fears for his own protection aside to save his child.

A parent doesn't say, "I have to protect myself" when their child is in danger.   Personal self sacrifice is a part of what makes parenting real.  Being a real parent can really hurt at times, more than we can imagine. My children need me and will for  a long time.   So I live my life in such a way so I can be there for them. 

In terrible dark moments, there were times I felt like giving up.  But I didn't.  I've always believed that our family members that are "gone" now are still with us and watch us.  As powerless I've felt at times to help my children, the though of watching my children from the other side, unable to do anything to help my children as they passed through the adversities of life, was more horrible to me.  

It is for them I've chosen to live.   I love them with all my soul.  I see amazing things in there eyes, even in their greatest adversities.  Even in their greatest weaknesses I remember what they are to be when the reach their full potential, so I don't give up.  I want to see them accomplish everything honorable thing God intended for them.

I have a new life now, and a new loving husband.  He care about me so much.  He is kind and faithful.  He treats me with respect.   He loves my children and hurts for them when they do.    I don't have to go to the hospital alone for a child anymore.  I love him.  He is a good man who respects how I feel.  He takes the time to listen so there are no misunderstandings.  He is very patient, and I am very grateful for him.

Learning to love a man again has been terrifying.   I didn't think I would ever be able to even fall asleep with man in my house ever again.  But I do and I feel safe with him.  For a long time I knew there were guardian angels working hard to protect me  and my children.  One day I grew tired and complained to God that the angels protecting me were nice, but it sure would be nice to have a guardian angel I could touch and see.

And that is who God sent, Phil.

If you Could Change the Past Part 1

If you could go back in time, would you really change the past?

What moment would you return to, that shaped so much of your present?

Would you really make the other choice?

I would go back to the hospital intensive care with my baby in March of 2002.  What would I really change the choice I made that week?

The months that lead up to that moment were painful.  The choice was huge. The consequences, of the choice, unknown?

Do people choose what they choose because their experiences give or deplete their own wisdom? 

Or do people choose what they choose because they are who they are?

Do our experiences truly change us, or our experiences force us to discover who we really are? 

Four months prior, I was pregnant.  Even after I warned him that if we got pregnant our child would be high risk.  Even after he used force.  He was angry with me for being pregnant.  He declared that it showed how manipulative I was.  He declared the pregnancy was a ploy to trap him into marriage.  I didn’t understand, it was our fourth child.

The month before I gave birth, I said to him, “What about the children?”   “The kids are going to do, what the kids are going to do.”  Because he said I was using the kids to control him, I was afraid to speak of their needs.  Yet every night I cried for them confused.  I cried for their future. I believed that a whole family would serve them better than anything.  I was willing to sacrifice anything for that.  Well, almost everything.

I had a lot to learn, and a lot to see.

In fear of my children’s future, believing that he just did not have the experiences to show him the better way, I prayed.

I often advise, step in your mind into the future, then, look back at the present, what would you choose now.  Step forward and look back.

I wanted him to have a chance to see the consequences to his children, and to him.   Knowing how difficult the teen years are, we as parents need to know we did everything we could for our children.  I wanted to fix things before it would be too late.

I asked God, “Please, for our children, please, show him the ultimate suffering a parent can have for their child.  There is so much happening that he could see.  Just show him.”  I wanted to know I did everything I could for my children, and I wanted him to want the same thing.  But other people have their own agency.

Shortly thereafter, the week I was due, to make a long story short, we got the phone call.

Because of the prayer, and the boldness of the answer, few moments in my life have been more frightening.  Was it God or Satan answering?  Did this mean…

His beautiful, troubled nephew had killed himself horrifically.

As I thought through the event and what it could mean.  I did not want this for our children.  To prevent it, I wanted him to go to his brother.  I wanted him to hear his brothers trembling voice.  I wanted him to see his brothers anguish.  I wanted to hear his brothers soul searching.  I wanted him to see through his brother’s eyes.   Wanted him to step into the future, and look back.

The funeral was scheduled on my due date in another state.  I went to the computer, purchased a flight and told him to go.  Please go and help your brother, I will just cross my legs and be fine.

When he returned a week later, and we had a chance to talk, I asked him.  “What did you get from talking to your brother?  How did it affect you?” 

His answer.  “If I don’t get what I want in life, I will end up like Joey.”

The view I had at that moment, is not the view I have now.

Good vs Power

Ever heard of Myanmar? You may know it as Burma.

Well in 2008 a huge Cyclone hit it.  The cyclone killed an estimated 138,000 people.

But it wasn't just the cyclone that killed ALL those people.

The country of Myanmar was ruled by a power hungry military.  People who obsess over power measure everything, every word, every action, and every event in terms of power.

Every situation either gives them more power, or takes it away.

After the cyclone hit, the rest of the world saw endless videos of dead bodies in trees, families destroyed, and villages swept to the sea in Myanmar.

As it is a poor country, the rest of the world swept into action.   The love and mercy of the world tried to step in and save what was left.

But the Myanmar government saw the even as a potential to lose power, not an event to serve.

Because they viewed the world in the eyes of power, the rulers of Myanmar kept out international aid. They would rather watch their citizens continue to suffer and die than lose power and allow aid in.

In the meantime great relief ships from around the world, sat at bay for days, unable to help, all because the leaders could only think in terms of power.

For days, the world sat and watched helplessly.

When the generals finally gave in, and let the aid in, they made stickers with their own names, and placed them over the international agencies names when distributing.

While some of us look at every event in terms of serving others, and helping, and just plain doing good, we can be hindered by self absorbed power hungry souls who would rather see those they are supposed to care about suffer, rather than aid.

Dealing with those in any level of power, who see everything in terms of power and control, and trying to do good while dealing with them, is a pain.

Some people just want to see good things happen. Some people just want power.

Those who are motivated by the quest for power, do not and cannot comprehend those with intentions of merely doing good and doing what is right.

What Really Provokes You?

Anger and Hate are two emotions I was raised to see as ungodly, unchristlike, almost forbidden.

I always saw those who exhibited them as emotionally weak and ignorant.

But what provokes me?

As an adult, there are many things that I will feel personal hurt or pain for.  Most anyone can slight me, or whatever, I may feel hurt or upset, or confused, but...

But the only thing that ever provokes me to what I would call anger, or even the forbidden hate, is when someone hurts my children.  Oh, I don't mean bumps or bruises or even a broken arm.

I mean when my child is confused, emotionally overcome, trying and struggling, and someone kicks them when they are down.

Thinks like that.

Most parents try so hard to help their children through so much.  We try to protect them and help them understand themselves and the world around them.

To see your child come to a point where they are hurting and reaching out for help, and then to see someone kick them or do anything to make their adversity worse.

I am far more inclined to stand up to protect and defend my child, than to do so for myself.

The moments I regret the most are the moments I let my children down.

Most mothers are this way.

Bouncing Head

I can't tell a recent story, but I can tell an old story.  To old.

I will skip to the main point, the story is long and interesting.  Eventually I will tell most of it, but for now I will tell part.

During the divorce, my children's great grandmother died.  His grandmother....   Out of respect for his absolute power, I had no intentions of going.

Even in the divorce I struggled to stand up to him.   Not following his every whim as I had for years, was like keeping my hand on a burner. 

Well the night before the funeral I happened to speak to a new friend,  who's mother attended "the funeral" in the same circumstances.  She told me how proud she was of her mother.

Out of the blue I had the sudden feeling that I had to go.   Little did I know it was the main reason I was to be in Idaho.  (good detailed story omitted for times sake)

I realized that it was wrong to obey his every whim.

I was terrified but I did it.  Choosing to do something that I believed was right, was an important step in truly "divorcing" him.

After I went, I was glad, his family was kind to me and several members said they were glad I was there.

He was angry when he saw me there.  He came out of the funeral and screamed at me because I came.  I just said, "It's not your decision.'

I think that was the big part.  It was important for me to learn to make my own decisions that I believed were right and not continue to follow him as my "husband".

Later that night, when I was alone at my home, he came to the home to pick up our youngest child.

In the doorway, he screamed at me for  a while, and I just said, "It's not your decision."

He bounced my head off the wall in the doorway.  I don't remember if my baby was in my arms or his at the time. (funny how your brain has a hard time recording events when its sloshing in your noggin.)

The neighbors called the police, despite the fact I told them to call the Relief Society President instead.  Yes funny story, sick funny brain I had at the time.

But the point was, I defied his absolute power and he bounced my head off the wall. 

I will tell the whole story, but for now, I have to get going to take care of other responsibilities I have right now.  Anyway, one of my thoughts for the night.

Redirecting Anger

Redirecting anger is an amazing talent the spouses of abusers develop.

If an abuser is angry, they are angry.  It rarely has anything to do with you.  Well, sometimes it does, if you violate their absolute power in the slightest way, it will anger them.  But sometimes doing what's right requires not following their dictates.

Anyway, most partners learn quickly to redirect and appease the anger of an abuser.  They may initiate sex with them.  They may give them a massage to calm their nerves.

If the children are the target, the spouse may immediately direct the anger of the abuser away to themselves to protect the children.

Most teenage boys, by the time they are 14 have intervened with the father and had a physical altercation to protect their mother, and "redirected" the anger back to themselves.

A step parent or new partner, faced with the abusers anger in the presence of the abusers children, as the children are not her/his own, may redirect the abusers anger to the abusers children in their own attempt to emotionally survive.

Well, some step parents, not all or most.  But some do.

Yes that is a particularly frightening thought.

Obedience

Obedience is essential for human societies to survive.  Obedience makes it possible for the 7 billions humans living on this earth to work together without completely wiping each other out.

A certain level of obedience is what makes our country so mighty.

With Obedience, comes Power, the power of the one being obeyed.

While it is important to learn obedience, it is also important to learn when not to obey.  

If we are asked to do something that violates basic principles of right and wrong, we are not required to obey.

In World War II the world learned the awful human tragedy that follows absolute obedience to that which is wrong in Germany.

It’s hard for those of us who were raised in a atmosphere of strict obedience to learn when to disobey, and to find the strength to stand up to someone you’ve always obeyed, because you realize that they are not asking that which is right.

It takes super human inner strength.

The hard part is learning when to obey, and when not to.  We have to learn right and wrong for ourselves as much as possible.

Sometimes Obedience is essential for survival.

Sometimes, you have two masters and you have to choose between them.   Sometimes, you have to choose the more righteous path.

Neil Kressel wrote some insightful essays on the subject in the book, "Mass Hate:  The global rise of Genocide and Terror."    Yes the title is awful, and the subject matter is painful.  But it's better to read of the awful and painful that to have to live it for ignorance.   If you have the stomach, I recommend it, otherwise, just smile and nod.

What happens when LDS Priesthood Holders Abuse?

God protects his Daughters and his Priesthood from those who would abuse it. Because the Priesthood of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is real and valid,  I believe God curses those LDS priesthood holders who play advocate for God, while abusing the members and sisters.

I have always felt intense faith in My Lord and Savior.  One of my earliest memories was a prayer, and an answer and feeling the Love of God.   Most the people in my life, are people of strong various faiths, yet share a desire to live their lives honorably in a way to please God. I have always sought to live my life by those guidelines.

I am accustomed to having many of my prayers answered forcefully in the Lords due time.  Sometimes it is longer than I prefer.

On one occasion I had endured so much cruelty, and felt powerless to protect myself.   Mathew had frequently sent me threats, even while he traveled in China, he tried to make sure I would fear him no matter where or how far away he was.

After enduring so much over the years, in my anger and frustration, I had a metal bat.  I kept one in my room and in the living room.  One day, I stared at that bat wanting to beat the hell out of Mathew.   But I knew I couldn't, and if I beat the hell out of him, well, he was stronger and there is this thing called the Law.  I thought, maybe if I could use the force to use the bat?   I tried, but the bat didn't move a millimeter.  Dang it.

So I went to the Lord, I reminded the Lord of all the Lord had done for me.  I reminded the Lord of all Mathew had done to me, and I asked first, "Please beat the hell out of him with a metal bat.  It has to be a metal bat because that would really make me feel good."

Then I remembered  that's not how it works.   "Let me rephrase that Lord.  Mathew is cruel, unkind, and unjust,  he tries to keep me in a state of fear, after he covenanted to protect me.  I know I am not the only one he has offended.   I know you have been protecting him from his own stupid mistakes with others.  I know there are others angry with him like me.   Please deliver him into the hands of his enemies, and make sure they are armed with metal bats.   It has to be metal bats.  Please stop protecting him.   Let him know that you are no longer protecting him.  He is teaching his children that a man can abuse his wife, and continue to threaten her, and live happily ever after. You know I am innocent of all he accuses me of."

Well, the following story is hearsay so the details may be off.   Afterward, as he was walking down an alley in China (who knows what country)  a gang of six men with metal bats attacked him, and beat the hell out of him.  His bruises lasted long enough that when returned to the United States, and he dropped of the children on his next visitation, the intermediary called me to say how scary he looked.

Just as Mathew could threaten me even from China, God is the God of the whole earth.  Where the men in my life have failed to protect me, God will not.  God does not like it when men intimate and bully his daughters.

Since then, many times when I've become angry, I've just remembered the metal Bats of China, and that when justice of men fail here, God will not fail.   And since it was in China, my hands are clean.  The memory of the metal bats gives me faith and Patience in God, and has gotten me through many upsetting periods.

Bible stories are real to me.  Realistic too.   I was taught to apply the scriptures to my own life. 

Many women have clergy, Bishops, Priests, Pastors who abuse their position.  I’ve heard stories from Mormon women who’ve left the church because some LDS Bishop or other church leader made choices that were counter to what God would have them do.

These are the acts of Men, not God, and have no reflection of the Lord's Gospel.  Always remember, even the Apostle of the Lord, Judas, betrayed.   Christ was still Christ, and his Church is still his Church.

First let me clarify, I believe in the Gospel as taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I believe Thomas S Monson is a true Prophet of God called to help us in these difficult times.  I am grateful that my local church leaders, men who work without pay and take care of their own families and hold regular jobs, these men who have been called as my Bishops and Stake Presidents, have stayed true to the charge they were given.

In the LDS Church, all worthy men are given the Priesthood.  I see this priesthood as real, and true.   I’ve seen good men use this Priesthood to serve others faithfully.  I’ve seen many wonderful things.

I’ve also seen the consequences when men pretend to worthy of that priesthood.

Seeing what happens to men who falsely claim to be worthy of the Priesthood, performing sacred ordinances, and entering into the Temple to serve, have only solidified my belief in the Gospel as taught by the LDS Church.

First, the Biblical example; Eli, his sons, and Ichabod.

Eli was a faithful Prophet serving in the Temple in Israel.  Eli allowed his sons who were unfaithful to enter and serve in the temple.  The people came to Eli, and complained to him of how his sons mistreated them in the temple.  Eli did not step up.  He ignored the cries of the abused, and allowed his sons to continue in the temple.  The child Samuel who served in the temple came to Eli, told him of the vision he had from God, and how Eli and his sons would be destroyed for this.  (The short version.)

Shortly afterward, the Israelites were losing a battle.  The Sons of Eli, while unworthy, went to the temple and bore the Arc of the Covenant into battle.  The Israelites were defeated, and their precious Arc of the Covenant was taken by there enemies.  Eli’s sons were slain in Battle.  When Eli heard of it, he died dramatically.  When his daughter in law heard her husband and in-laws were dead, while she was in childbirth, she named the child Ichabod. "The Gory is departed from Israel."

Bishops should not ignore the cries of abused Daughters of God and allow unrighteous, cruel and brutal, unrepentant men to perform priesthood ordinances, and serve in the temple.  Because our loving God hears their cries.

Bishops are limited in their authority.   They do not have the power, nor do they desire to perform complete CSI investigations into people who come for interviews with the Bishop.  The Bishop is effectively the gatekeeper of the temple, and the priesthood.  They interview and determine one’s eligibility for the priesthood, and temple entrance.   One leader told me, a man came in, he had the worst feeling and inside he knew the truth, but the man claimed to be worthy, and the leader had no evidence, and the leader had to turn it over to God, and allow the man what he sought.

There is a difference between when a the Church leader has a feeling, and when the church leader has been told by those who know that a man is a rapist, and ignore it because the man seems nice enough and is persuasive enough.  Can you say Ichabod?

I try to limit my interaction with the man who raped me.  But, circumstances as they are, and due to responsibility I have, I have no choice at times.  He can be nasty and cruel in the simplest of required interactions. I have gone to my leaders and testified to them.  But they are not his leaders and have no authority over him.  All they can do is pass it on, and let his LDS leaders choose.  His Priesthood Leaders have never responded to any accounts.

It’s been explained to me that when an unworthy man performs a priesthood ordinance, the ordinance is still valid, but God holds the man accountable.   It is my witness that this is true.

I’ve been told by Mathew Fleming the man who raped me, that my opinion, feelings, and soul are worthless.  That my thoughts ignorant.  I have been degraded countless times and that it doesn’t matter that I was raped.

But I know that God cares because God proved it though that very same man. 

A sacred ordinance was performed by that man who degrades me for sport. During it, I could not prevent the event, and I was required to attend.  During the ordinance I reminded the Lord of the awful cruelty of the man, and asked the Lord to hold the rapist accountable for the example he set.  As I hold the Priesthood sacred, and knowing that God does not like to be mocked, I reminded the Lord, “He’s mocking you.” was said more than a few times in my silent prayer. Outwardly I barely kept my composure.

As he man spoke the words of the freely worded ordinance, I was stunned and felt peace in the Justice of God.  In his own words he chose for the ordinance, he pronounced what I knew would be own curse.  The curse he unwittingly brought upon himself, promptly followed.  Two months later he asked me confused, “How did this happen?”

I did not answer that question. But it happened because the Priesthood is real, and God protects it from those who mock him with it.  The curse he brought upon himself by pretending to be worthy of the Priesthood lasted over one year. God will not be mocked.

I don’t think God likes it, when a man degrade his daughters then attempt to represent God the Father.

I knew then, again, that God is real.  That God loves us and does not like to be mocked.  And despite all Mathew says, what he did to me was real, and was wrong.  God does care about the cruelties given to me, and others.  I feel that God was protecting his Holy Priesthood.

The temple is a sacred place to me.   As I’ve tried to limit interaction with the man who raped me as much as possible, the temple has been a great sanctuary, blessing me.  It’s been one place I could go I believed he dared not go without repenting.

Unknown to me, there was  a temple ordinance he sought, that required his Bishop contacting me and my Bishop first.   Mathew's bishop never contacted me as he was required.  Months after I was told through the grapevine.  

After learning this, I tried to return to the temple, but as I entered the celestial room it tore me up.  Fear that in that one sacred place, I was not safe from the rapist even in the most Holy and Sacred places.  The one place God would want his daughters to feel safe and his love was no longer so.  It was devastating. 

I entered the temple three separate times afterward.  Each time, the thought of entering that sacred safe room, knowing the man who raped could be there, devastated me, and it was no longer a sacred holy place.  I could not feel the love and safety of God in the Holiest of places because of the boldness of the rapist.

You cannot stand in Holy Places if you do not keep your Holy Places Holy.

Confused, I went to the Lord in Prayer, in my own room.  “Shut it down.  Please God, Shut it down.  Shut it down. I’m can't feel safe in there, clean it up, and rededicate this Temple.”  I asked over and over again in tearful prayer.

A few months laterit was announced that our temple would in fact be shut down, gutted and rededicated, that we did not know how long and that it would be rededicated.

The temple is even now shut down, and being cleaned out.  It will be rededicated. 

Bishops, if you don’t want the sisters of the church begging the Lord to shut down temples, stop ignoring cries of the abused.  Spousal rape is real and a violation of the most sacred and holy covenants.  The Power of the Priesthood is intended to protect and heal in God's holy name, not rape and destroy.

Every Sunday the Young Women of the Church Recite, “We are Daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love him.”  God does love his Daughters fiercely.

So many times I was torn down, those words would come to my mind.  So many times God has reminded me that I am of worth.  That my thoughts count. My efforts count.  My soul is of worth That I am valued no matter what others say.

Watching God protect His priesthood in the LDS Church strengthens my faith that it is the True Priesthood of God, despite the failings of men.

Mathew can invalidate me to anyone else, but not to God.

My calling as a Mother is sacred and I deserve to be treated with respect.

Holy places must be kept Holy for all his Daughters, or God Himself will take them away.

It is my witness that all these things are true, In the Name of Jesus Christ my ultimate Savior and Protector,

Natalie Marie Pye (Fleming)

What happens when LDS Priesthood Holders Abuse?

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God protects his Daughters and his Priesthood from those who would abuse it. Because the Priesthood of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is real and valid,  I believe God curses those LDS priesthood holders who play advocate for God, while abusing the members and sisters.

I have always felt intense faith in My Lord and Savior.  One of my earliest memories was a prayer, and an answer and feeling the Love of God.   Most the people in my life, are people of strong various faiths, yet share a desire to live their lives honorably in a way to please God. I have always sought to live my life by those guidelines.

I am accustomed to having many of my prayers answered forcefully in the Lords due time.  Sometimes it is longer than I prefer.

On one occasion I had endured so much cruelty, and felt powerless to protect myself.   Mathew had frequently sent me threats, even while he traveled in China, he tried to make sure I would fear him no matter where or how far away he was.

After enduring so much over the years, in my anger and frustration, I had a metal bat.  I kept one in my room and in the living room.  One day, I stared at that bat wanting to beat the hell out of Mathew.   But I knew I couldn't, and if I beat the hell out of him, well, he was stronger and there is this thing called the Law.  I thought, maybe if I could use the force to use the bat?   I tried, but the bat didn't move a millimeter.  Dang it.

So I went to the Lord, I reminded the Lord of all the Lord had done for me.  I reminded the Lord of all Mathew had done to me, and I asked first, "Please beat the hell out of him with a metal bat.  It has to be a metal bat because that would really make me feel good."

Then I remembered  that's not how it works.   "Let me rephrase that Lord.  Mathew is cruel, unkind, and unjust,  he tries to keep me in a state of fear, after he covenanted to protect me.  I know I am not the only one he has offended.   I know you have been protecting him from his own stupid mistakes with others.  I know there are others angry with him like me.   Please deliver him into the hands of his enemies, and make sure they are armed with metal bats.   It has to be metal bats.  Please stop protecting him.   Let him know that you are no longer protecting him.  He is teaching his children that a man can abuse his wife, and continue to threaten her, and live happily ever after. You know I am innocent of all he accuses me of."

Well, the following story is hearsay so the details may be off.   Afterward, as he was walking down an alley in China (who knows what country)  a gang of six men with metal bats attacked him, and beat the hell out of him.  His bruises lasted long enough that when returned to the United States, and he dropped of the children on his next visitation, the intermediary called me to say how scary he looked.

Just as Mathew could threaten me even from China, God is the God of the whole earth.  Where the men in my life have failed to protect me, God will not.  God does not like it when men intimate and bully his daughters.

Since then, many times when I've become angry, I've just remembered the metal Bats of China, and that when justice of men fail here, God will not fail.   And since it was in China, my hands are clean.  The memory of the metal bats gives me faith and Patience in God, and has gotten me through many upsetting periods.

Bible stories are real to me.  Realistic too.   I was taught to apply the scriptures to my own life. 

Many women have clergy, Bishops, Priests, Pastors who abuse their position.  I’ve heard stories from Mormon women who’ve left the church because some LDS Bishop or other church leader made choices that were counter to what God would have them do.

These are the acts of Men, not God, and have no reflection of the Lord's Gospel.  Always remember, even the Apostle of the Lord, Judas, betrayed.   Christ was still Christ, and his Church is still his Church.

First let me clarify, I believe in the Gospel as taught by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  I believe Thomas S Monson is a true Prophet of God called to help us in these difficult times.  I am grateful that my local church leaders, men who work without pay and take care of their own families and hold regular jobs, these men who have been called as my Bishops and Stake Presidents, have stayed true to the charge they were given.

In the LDS Church, all worthy men are given the Priesthood.  I see this priesthood as real, and true.   I’ve seen good men use this Priesthood to serve others faithfully.  I’ve seen many wonderful things.

I’ve also seen the consequences when men pretend to worthy of that priesthood.

Seeing what happens to men who falsely claim to be worthy of the Priesthood, performing sacred ordinances, and entering into the Temple to serve, have only solidified my belief in the Gospel as taught by the LDS Church.

First, the Biblical example; Eli, his sons, and Ichabod.

Eli was a faithful Prophet serving in the Temple in Israel.  Eli allowed his sons who were unfaithful to enter and serve in the temple.  The people came to Eli, and complained to him of how his sons mistreated them in the temple.  Eli did not step up.  He ignored the cries of the abused, and allowed his sons to continue in the temple.  The child Samuel who served in the temple came to Eli, told him of the vision he had from God, and how Eli and his sons would be destroyed for this.  (The short version.)

Shortly afterward, the Israelites were losing a battle.  The Sons of Eli, while unworthy, went to the temple and bore the Arc of the Covenant into battle.  The Israelites were defeated, and their precious Arc of the Covenant was taken by there enemies.  Eli’s sons were slain in Battle.  When Eli heard of it, he died dramatically.  When his daughter in law heard her husband and in-laws were dead, while she was in childbirth, she named the child Ichabod. "The Gory is departed from Israel."

Bishops should not ignore the cries of abused Daughters of God and allow unrighteous, cruel and brutal, unrepentant men to perform priesthood ordinances, and serve in the temple.  Because our loving God hears their cries.

Bishops are limited in their authority.   They do not have the power, nor do they desire to perform complete CSI investigations into people who come for interviews with the Bishop.  The Bishop is effectively the gatekeeper of the temple, and the priesthood.  They interview and determine one’s eligibility for the priesthood, and temple entrance.   One leader told me, a man came in, he had the worst feeling and inside he knew the truth, but the man claimed to be worthy, and the leader had no evidence, and the leader had to turn it over to God, and allow the man what he sought.

There is a difference between when a the Church leader has a feeling, and when the church leader has been told by those who know that a man is a rapist, and ignore it because the man seems nice enough and is persuasive enough.  Can you say Ichabod?

I try to limit my interaction with the man who raped me.  But, circumstances as they are, and due to responsibility I have, I have no choice at times.  He can be nasty and cruel in the simplest of required interactions. I have gone to my leaders and testified to them.  But they are not his leaders and have no authority over him.  All they can do is pass it on, and let his LDS leaders choose.  His Priesthood Leaders have never responded to any accounts.

It’s been explained to me that when an unworthy man performs a priesthood ordinance, the ordinance is still valid, but God holds the man accountable.   It is my witness that this is true.

I’ve been told by Mathew Fleming the man who raped me, that my opinion, feelings, and soul are worthless.  That my thoughts ignorant.  I have been degraded countless times and that it doesn’t matter that I was raped.

But I know that God cares because God proved it though that very same man. 

A sacred ordinance was performed by that man who degrades me for sport. During it, I could not prevent the event, and I was required to attend.  During the ordinance I reminded the Lord of the awful cruelty of the man, and asked the Lord to hold the rapist accountable for the example he set.  As I hold the Priesthood sacred, and knowing that God does not like to be mocked, I reminded the Lord, “He’s mocking you.” was said more than a few times in my silent prayer. Outwardly I barely kept my composure.

As he man spoke the words of the freely worded ordinance, I was stunned and felt peace in the Justice of God.  In his own words he chose for the ordinance, he pronounced what I knew would be own curse.  The curse he unwittingly brought upon himself, promptly followed.  Two months later he asked me confused, “How did this happen?”

I did not answer that question. But it happened because the Priesthood is real, and God protects it from those who mock him with it.  The curse he brought upon himself by pretending to be worthy of the Priesthood lasted over one year. God will not be mocked.

I don’t think God likes it, when a man degrade his daughters then attempt to represent God the Father.

I knew then, again, that God is real.  That God loves us and does not like to be mocked.  And despite all Mathew says, what he did to me was real, and was wrong.  God does care about the cruelties given to me, and others.  I feel that God was protecting his Holy Priesthood.

The temple is a sacred place to me.   As I’ve tried to limit interaction with the man who raped me as much as possible, the temple has been a great sanctuary, blessing me.  It’s been one place I could go I believed he dared not go without repenting.

Unknown to me, there was  a temple ordinance he sought, that required his Bishop contacting me and my Bishop first.   Mathew's bishop never contacted me as he was required.  Months after I was told through the grapevine.  

After learning this, I tried to return to the temple, but as I entered the celestial room it tore me up.  Fear that in that one sacred place, I was not safe from the rapist even in the most Holy and Sacred places.  The one place God would want his daughters to feel safe and his love was no longer so.  It was devastating. 

I entered the temple three separate times afterward.  Each time, the thought of entering that sacred safe room, knowing the man who raped could be there, devastated me, and it was no longer a sacred holy place.  I could not feel the love and safety of God in the Holiest of places because of the boldness of the rapist.

You cannot stand in Holy Places if you do not keep your Holy Places Holy.

Confused, I went to the Lord in Prayer, in my own room.  “Shut it down.  Please God, Shut it down.  Shut it down. I’m can't feel safe in there, clean it up, and rededicate this Temple.”  I asked over and over again in tearful prayer.

A few months laterit was announced that our temple would in fact be shut down, gutted and rededicated, that we did not know how long and that it would be rededicated.

The temple is even now shut down, and being cleaned out.  It will be rededicated. 

Bishops, if you don’t want the sisters of the church begging the Lord to shut down temples, stop ignoring cries of the abused.  Spousal rape is real and a violation of the most sacred and holy covenants.  The Power of the Priesthood is intended to protect and heal in God's holy name, not rape and destroy.

Every Sunday the Young Women of the Church Recite, “We are Daughters of our Heavenly Father, who loves us, and we love him.”  God does love his Daughters fiercely.

So many times I was torn down, those words would come to my mind.  So many times God has reminded me that I am of worth.  That my thoughts count. My efforts count.  My soul is of worth That I am valued no matter what others say.

Watching God protect His priesthood in the LDS Church strengthens my faith that it is the True Priesthood of God, despite the failings of men.

Mathew can invalidate me to anyone else, but not to God.

My calling as a Mother is sacred and I deserve to be treated with respect.

Holy places must be kept Holy for all his Daughters, or God Himself will take them away.

It is my witness that all these things are true, In the Name of Jesus Christ my ultimate Savior and Protector,

Natalie Marie Pye (Fleming)

Mercy vs Justice

"Get the Bad Guy"

It seems so many people are so eager to "get the bad guy" movies celebrate this, as the bad guy finally gets what he deserves in the end. Video games teach you how to constantly focus on destroying the "bad guy". Our God given sense of justice and righteous retribution can become overly honed to quickly and furiously destroy the "bad guy".

Unfortunately these same dimwits, are often quick to shallow judgement, not not take the emotional time to truly listen and understand others. Eager to "get the bad guy" they bounce at their first sign of it. 

How easy it is to persuade someone they are "getting the bad guy". How quick and easy it is for someone to rush to judgement and decide an innocent is guilty. And they swoop in to destroy someone, even those who are near and should be dear to them. From OWS, to gangs, even in their own homes. Dimwits overly zealous to "get the bad guy" swoop in, destroy, never knowing or accepting or taking to time to find out they are hurting the innocent, and they themselves become the "bad guy" by hurting the innocent. 

After the first act of "Punishing the bad guy"  Any attempt by the innocent to defend or explain themselves is beat down, because that would make the punisher face their own guilt.  If the person they punished, was actually innocent then they themselves are guilty.  


Any attempt to plead with the punisher only motivates them to greater cruelty.

The Crucifiers of Christ hearts were filled with the "Get the bad Guy" mentality. They actually believed they were the good guys.

That is why Christ taught what he did. Oh, I do believe in "getting the bad guy" and getting them good. But I also believe in taking the time to get it right. 

"Just be Nice"

On the other far side of the "get the bad guy" spectrum is the overzealous mercy side, "Just be nice." How just being nice and bringing someone to Christ can save souls. 

We've all heard and read the articles of a almost victim of a violent bad guy, says Christly things and gives the bad guy warm fuzzies, they repent and get better. But we also read of kindly Christians getting killed trying to give warm fuzzies to violent bad guys. 

"Just be nice" is great until taken to the wrong extreme. "Oh he raped you, Just be nice." "Oh he threatened to kill your baby. Just be nice." 

These become the people who sit back and do nothing about injustice and abuse against themselves and others.

Just as an overzealous sense of "get that bad guy" can destroy the innocent, "Just be nice" can be misused to enable abusers to rule, crush and destroy, all the while thinking they are Christlike buy being nice to the bad guy while they continue to wreak havoc. There is a time to "be nice", and their is a time to "get the bad guy". 

Mercy and Justice have to balance.

Soul Eaters

I used to have a relative that was sarcastic, nasty and cruel. He always seemed to know how to hurt you the deepest, and at the most delicate moments. When you felt like everything else in your life was so overwhelming, he knew just what to say to completely destroy what you had left of your soul. It was like he had his own personal line to the adversary. He never really knew how deep his cruelty went. He would then laugh, and as the butt of his joke, you were expected to laugh too, to show you were a good sport. Be careful of what you do to others, because you never know how little they have left to hold on to. His legacy continues with others he inspired. I learned sarcasm from him. It took so much for me to quit, but I did years ago. I look at him, and others like him as destroyers of souls.

How to Save Your Man and Your Marriage

You know you can save him right?   And after you do he will be so grateful to you for saving him and his relationship to his children, and bringing him back to God and Family.  He will love you so much more!  One day he will look at you with that sweet smile.

You've managed him as an abuser to minimize his abuse and the consequence of it.  Surely with God's help you can save him?  Right?

Many years ago there was a man name Martin.  He was a devout Christian.  He was a good man.  He went about preaching and bringing souls to God.  He loved all mankind.  Then there was one group he was devoted to saving.  The family of Christ.   He befriended them, he preached to them, with hope to bring them to Christ.  For many years he tried to pursuade them.

At the end of his years, after bringing so many to Christ, this single group still resisted, completely.  They kept about their traditions and refused to convert.

After all those years of Martin's good works bringing souls to Christ, Martin became frustrated and bitter toward this particular group.

In his bitter anger, Martin Luthor wrote a book, "The ___ and their Lies".  This book was later picked up and expanded upon in a bigger longer winded confusing book, by the most hated man of the last century, and lead to the Holocaust and the deaths of millions in many countries.

The man who sought to save souls, became the seed of the greatest suffering of the last century.

Christ saves, you don't.  And it's in Christ's time, not yours.   No one can be forced to Come to the truth, no grand miracles can dissuade them from their course.   When one's heart seeks after Christ, then they do.

You can pray for miracles, for signs, you can pray to God to beat the *** out of him and have it answered with six chinese men with metal bats, you can be the best love maker, you can make the best meals, you can starve yourself to anorexia, you can pray to have your heart filled with such love that he can't help but feel it too, you can give him back rubs every night while your 9 months pregnant, you can suffer without compliant, you can leave all the money in the accounts and let him take it all so you can't afford a lawyer just to show your fidelity, you can be kind and understanding about his relationships with other women, you can pray that something big will happen in the world that brings everyone back to home and family like 9/11 then watch the towers go tumbling down.  You can pray to God to show him what can happen to your children if your family fails, then witness terrible things.  You can do all these things and God can hear and answer every last prayer prayer.  But you are not the problem.  God is not the problem.

Your man chooses what he chooses because he is who he is.

And until you accept that, you are going to suffer.

When he doesn't love, or put his family first the problem is not that you don't love enough or serve enough or put your family first.   Your serving loving isn't the problem.  Increasing the serving and loving won't fix him.  Until he gets it, he will not be saved.  And you, cannot make him "get it."

When Christ taught, he preached, then went on his way.   Those who believed in him, followed him.   When someone Christ taught refused him, he went on his way. Christ did not stick around with someone who didn't want it.

You have no power on when and how he will be saved.  You can pray for him and hope for him and be the best woman you can be for you and your children.  But he makes his choices.

If he is abusing you, and you think you will save him by staying, and letting him continue to rape and abuse you, that your love for him will eventually save him. You are wrong.   You are not following Christ.  Staying in a position where he can abuse you, then "turning the other cheek" is not going to save him, nor will it prove your righteousness.  It is fatally dangerous for your soul, and to his.

I guess we learn the hard way.