Do you eat your wounded?

Do you help or do you dispose of those with inadequacies? 

How do you or your husband respond when you see inadequacies in each other. 

 Okay, you had a crappy day. Your husband comes home. Your house is a mess. Your hair is a mess. The kids are going nuts. A stack of urine soaked sheets are still sitting in the laundry room unwashed. A stack of unfolded laundry covers the living room couch. How does your husband respond. Does he walk in to “his space” and shut the door behind him? Does he give you that, “You’re useless look.” Then tear into you? Does he say “Poor me, look what you did to me.” Does he look at you sympathetically, sense your struggle, filled with compassion step into the kitchen and start washing dishes? (Yes these men really do exist, I've heard many rumors about them.) Ether Chapter 12 26 And when I had said this, the Lord spake unto me, saying: Fools mock, but they shall mourn; and my grace is sufficient for the meek, that they shall take no advantage of your weakness; 27 And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 28 Behold, I will show unto the Gentiles their weakness, and I will show unto them that faith, hope and charity bringeth unto me—the fountain of all righteousness. When we share our weaknesses with Christ, he helps make up the difference. When Christ sees weaknesses in others, he lifts them up. He helps. When we see weaknesses in others we can emulate our Savior or the Other Guy by doing one of three things. 1. Say, “It sucks for you.” And walk away. 2. Gloat in your own superiority. Mock them and realize that someone as superior as yourself should not be forced to associate with such a loser. 3. See it as an opportunity to show your love and serve others. See it as an opportunity for your heart to be filled with love compassion and a desire to serve. How does your partner respond when he sees weakness in others? Once the oh, la, la feeling of the beginning of your romance is past, you will be treated the same way. The way your partner responds to you in a crisis can define a marriage. If they are cruel in response,

• you have to work harder to cover up or make up for your weaknesses
• if you can't work hard enough, it can lead to dishonesty
• when you need them most, they will crush and dispose of you
• your confidence is destroyed

If they are kind and helpful in response,

• you feel peace, love and compassion
• you know you can share more of yourself and your weaknesses with them
• you have no fear of honesty
• you have confidence in yourself and your relationship

Not only that, what goes around comes around. You and your partner are one. You share in success, failures, trials, and hopes. Thus you and your children will get what the universe has to offer your partner. If you partner is a selfish jerk who serves no one but himself, you may find yourself and your children, and your partner stranded on a dead boat in the middle of a hot lake and no one will come help you, cuz karma is payback. Cuz his karma, is your karma. If your partner is filled with compassion and serves freely, when the universe rewards your partner, you and your children are rewarded too. Lack of compassion can poison every part of your relationship. One who does not feel compassion, cannot comprehend it as a motive in others. When you show compassion, since they cannot comprehend it, they will see other motives for your compassionate acts. The Savior, Jesus Christ is the ultimate source of compassion. But he leaders of his society were motivated by power and control. These leaders saw Jesus Christ as a competitive leader. They saw Christ's following. Since their first priority was gaining followers, they saw every action of Jesus Christ as merely ways to gain power over others. Thus the more compassionate and valiant Jesus Christ was, the more manipulative the leaders believed Christ was. Thus the more Compassionate and helpful Jesus Christ was, the greater threat he was, and the more he deserved to be crucified in the eyes of the corrupt leaders. So a compassionate individual paired with a uncompassionate individual in leading a family or society, well it doesn't always work. The compassionate individual just tells themselves that the uncompassionate individual will eventually learn how wonderful and addictive compassion is. Sometimes this is true. But far too often, the uncompassionate individual comes to believe that the compassionate has the same motives of power and control. This is the case in most abusive situations. That's when things get really bad.

Secret Abusers

Advice to abused women and their families. 

One of the biggest mistakes abused women make, is keeping it all secret. 

Abusers thrive and love secrecy. 

Shame, fear that if she speaks tells people he won’t forgive her, (yes, very funny, I know), intense loyalty, all keep her in silence. 

But the sad thing is, most abusers especially those who only abuse in secret are obsessed with what people think of them. 

She has to grow a very, very, big mouth. Much abuse can be deterred, prevented, stopped etc., if the abuser knows she’s gonna blab it to EVERYONE. 

I’ve always admired Gandhi. Yes, I thought by turning the other cheek and always showing him kindness no matter what he did would move him. But Gandhi didn’t JUST turn the other cheek and always show kindness. Gandhi spoke up! Gandhi told the mean British soldiers what they were doing was wrong and why. Gandhi told the media, the news outlets everything that was happening. And when the news of the tragedies got back to England... The English people were offended by the actions of their own government, and pressured the government to back down. 

Speak up, be heard! 

 The families of abused women need to let the abuser know that they are listening to their daughter and sister, that they have faith in her word, and that they will take action if she’s abused. 

One woman told me a story of how her husband was only a little abusive until her family told her husband they didn’t care what she thought or said. After that her husband’s abuse skyrocketed. He knew he could abuse her without anyone listening. 

 Two books families need to read, “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans, and “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bancroft.

Why do Women continue to have Sex with Abusive Partners?

She knows it hurts. 

She knows it degrades. 

She knows he’s going to ask for things she doesn’t want to do. 

But, She also knows, he’ll be calmer afterward. 

She knows he’ll be kinder to the children. 

She knows he’ll be kinder to her. 

She knows he seems a little more intelligent after. 

She knows what every abused woman has known for eons. 

She just has to get through the painful, degrading part.

She’s learned to effectively seduce her partner even if neither of them is in the mood out of survival. 

Drs have performed SPECT scans on brains before and after sex, and found that the limbic system calms considerably. When the limbic system is overactive, it’s like the librarian in you brain has PMS and files everything (time, emotion, perception.) in a very angry place. 

Thank you Dr Amen, you just learned what women already know. 

In a related thought, Lundy Bancroft wrote in "Why does he do that?" that women know that after her partner has a major rage episode, he is calmer and kinder. 

Sometimes when an abused women sees her partner getting edgier and crueler, she will sometimes intentionally trigger an outburst from him, knowing he'll hurt her, but that the kind period will come sooner.