I've never understood that. I was number 6 of 8. I watched my older sibs to everything they were told not to do when parents were out of sight. There is no such thing as controlling someone. I've never known anyone who could be controlled.
When I heard my teenage friends complain about their parents "trying to control" them, I thought they were pretty stupid. I still do. Fearing others controlling you is like fearing the boogyman.
One of the basic principles of the Gospel is Free Agency and accountability. As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, we are taught from infancy that we always have the power to choose. We learn to gather information, weigh the choices and choose.
The child learns to experience agency and develops their own personal power as they grow.
Turns out, the belief that you can be controlled leads to the greatest violence the world has ever seen.
An abuser works from the premise that he can be controlled. He believes such, he fears such, he protects himself from such. Thus all of his actions are reactionary against perceived threats of control, most of which are illusions. The fear of control by others can become obsessive to the point of abusing kind wife for her kindness.
The knowledge that you have agency and cannot be controlled, is liberating. Once you understand your personal power, you don't have to retaliate or punish because you are free from their actions. You do and choose, based on right and wrong, regardless of any misperceived motives of others. You don't worry about what others think, just God.
That's the other dangerous fallacy. The attributions of evil motives to others. I know a man who could persuade you that Mother Teresa was an evil manipulator. All by navigating false motives.
Mein Kampf was filled with Adolph Hilters list of the evil intentions of the Jews when they "pretend" to do good.
An abusive spouse can attribute evil motives to a back rub given after a long hard day.
The further an abuser gets, in their warped mind, the smarter they think they are as they "outsmart" and preempt or retaliate against their partner.
Mindreading and attributing evil motives to everyday actions simply display one's own warped imbecile mind. What we attribute as motives to others, reveals our own motivations, what you yourself would do in that situation.
On a community scale, false attribution of motive, and fear of power over fuels racial hatred, religious hatred, political hatred, and even bring people to war to the point that the Hutu men were willing to slaughter young schools girls. The murderers believed they were heroes slaying the future mothers of evil. The radios that blared every day, told them to "cut down the tall trees" (Tutsis were supposedly taller than Hutus although they were invented races.)
The only way to fight back is with the truth. Stop listening to hate. Learn that you are all powerful of your own actions. Learn to exercise that power for good and to bless regardless of others.
As our favorite Yoda says, "Fear leads to Anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering"
The understanding agency is the Beginning of Love. When we need not fear, we are free to love, we are free to act regardless of others.
Anytime, every time someone told me they thought they were being controlled, I considered them an idiot at the moment. So many times I thought, "Oh my gosh! How do explain reality to someone who thinks like this? Where do I even start?" And stared at them like a deer in the headlights. I just didn't know how to explain things to them back when I was "nice." (Nice and kind are distinctly different and separate as Nice is fake, and Kind is both loving and helpful, and intelligent.)
I am finally kind enough to say, "You are an idiot".
The sad irony is that those who believe they can be controlled, can be controlled. Usually is the one whispering to them, or shouting to them, that they are being controlled, that is actually doing the controlling. Those who believe they can be manipulated, are usually manipulated not by the one they think, but the one telling them.
The Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about personal power. Because we are free, we don't have to reactively retaliate. The act of turning the other cheek is an act of absolute personal power, not submission.
Power over self is the only real social power that exists. All of Christ's teaching focus on learning that personal power. Power over others in only an illusion.
