Real love is based on Truth

For love to be real, for love to be meaningful, love must be based on the truth.

When someone lies to obtain love, eventually they become paranoid that the other will learn the truth, and they will reject them for that.  Eventually, they come to hate the one they lied to, to gain love, and preemptively toss them.

When someone knows the truth about you, and still loves and respects you, that is real.  That is powerful.

Teaching your children to love others despite other's weaknesses, teaches them real love.  You do that by loving them despite their weaknesses.

Teaching children to cope with hurtful weaknesses of others is a vital life skill.

To Be or Not To Be Relevant

The children are always relevant.  The question is are we relevant.

A stepparent may feel irrelevant and respond by driving the children away from their spouse, thinking to make the child irrelevant.

If they succeed in driving the parent away from their children, all they do is make themselves and the parent irrelevant.

The children are always relevant. They are the future.   They are it. The children are what everything exists for.  The future does not even exist without them.  The children are relevant, and if we want to be relevant we have to remember that.

Alienating step-parent->Irrelevant.

Are you relevant?

PS I liken these alienators to the light coming from the crack in time-space. If it touches you, you cease to exist and you never existed.  Dr Who?

Unrightesous Submission

Women (and/or men) who subject themselves to abusive partners, submitting their own intelligence and wills, manifest cocktails of untreatable physical illnesses.

No amount of medical treatments, surgeries and procedures can save them.

Mental health is entwined with physical health.  There is nothing mentally healthy with absolute submission to a man who believes your greatest potential is to serve their personal utilitarian needs.

We are more than that. If only such women could see their potential.

I can no longer control my filter, so if I would do more harm than good to a particular woman who's suffered from a long life of submission to such a man, I would only bring her early death by visiting her.

My Shining South Star

I have a female in my life I call my shining south star, among many other names.

She shines bright, and due south.  Anytime I've found myself on the same path, I've double, triple, quadruple checked my compass.

I did spend many years spending time with her in the hopes of redirecting her compass, but it was all of no avail.  She spent more time trying to "correct" my compass.

So when I find she completely disapproves of me, oh honey, I'm good with that.  I've watched her lead many, especially men, to feel good about doing evil.

My Shining South Star

PS She always had this amazing skill of directing you away from a current potential battle, all while whispering words to amplify your hate, malic, self-justification and focus it thus appearing the peacemaker while actually being a hatemonger.

Keeping Secrets

I used to think I was helping by keeping their secrets, the bad secrets.  But I've learned that when you do so, you condemn them to hell and become a part of their corruption.  If you love them, stand up to them, speak the truth. They can have other friends that encourage them to stand with confidence with broccoli in their teeth and tp hanging out their pants.

Many people mistakenly believe that when you tell them the truth you are their enemy, when in fact you are their greatest ally.

I don't want those I love to rot in hell, I want to save them.  So if they are abusive and you still love them, stand up to them.

Broken Hearts

She has serious heart problems that required open-heart surgery because she's married to a b****** who looks down on women, even his most beautiful wife as inferior to himself, and doesn't give a crap about what she actually thinks, doesn't actually believe that she thinks anything valuable. Yes, they seem like the perfect couple, no they are most certainly not. She dresses beautiful every day because, after all these years, she still believes she will be abandoned if not. She was broken as a child, and he took advantage of that to demand exact obedience of her. He preyed on her deep childhood fears of abandonment. She's lost her ability to think for herself, have her own opinions, pursue her own talents, (those that are not utilitarian to him). When she gives a talk in church, he graciously writes it for her, because who on earth wants to hear from her. The only time he pays attention to her is when she's sick, then he is noble and cares for her physical ailments. It's her body's only means of speaking out. You can tell how he treats her just by her health. He's used religion to make her believe that she must subject herself to him and all his whims, and give up her own thinking. She cannot love and defend her children when hurt if it threatens him. I think I know exactly when he finally broke her completely. You can see it in her picture history. The wife of a dominating man, cannot love. His widow mother tried to say she was distressed by how her husband (his father) treated her. So He, her son, declares her "mentally unstable." Thus his wife sees that and knows, that if she expresses distress, she too will be declared "mentally unstable". Thus he makes an example of his own mother to subject women. So she carries on as the "perfect" wife for years and years, but her heart can't fake it.

Misunderstandings

An abuser will always make you feel like you're misunderstood.
They do not allow you to finish your sentences.
They jump on any half-truths ensuring you cannot communicate effectively. They dominate the conversation and interrupt as they don't want you to be able to explain and express yourself. They mock and ridicule your attempts to be understood.
The abuser will attempt to isolate you from loved ones so that you don't have a chance to defend yourself. Your very desire to defend yourself is mocked.
This kind of behavior always gives away the "bad guy". While the innocent plead for understanding, believing if they were just understood, everything would be okay.  But what the innocent don't realize is that the abuser doesn't want to understand them. The abuser just wants to justify themselves.  The abuser will dismiss with ridicule anything that eliminates their justification for the abuse.
My faith teaches of the Holy Spirit of Truth.  The Holy Spirit of Truth testifies the truth of all things. Thus someone living righteously will be in tune with the truth no matter what church they attend or don't attend. The earnest "right"eous always seek for the complete truth, especially in serious matters such as family.  A good person in careful and sincerely seeks thoughtful understanding.
You are not being abused because you are misunderstood.  You are being abused because you are submitting to an abuser.

Ultra Athletics and the Vain things of the World

10:00 am

I'll never forget years ago when my husband and I took our children to watch an ultra-athlete.

Our children climbed the short wall to watch a man with a perfect athletic body, on the perfect bike cycling circles on a bike track round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round.

This athlete spent his life, neglecting his family, seeking no good work to do in the world, but going round, and round, and round, and round on his fancy bike, in his fancy bike pants.  He was very impressed with himself.

I was just as impressed with him as I am with the really good roller rink dude in the flashy pants who could do that really hard spiny thing.

There is another ultra athlete that actually impresses me.  Casey O'leary.  She spoke at the library at 7pm on gardening and seeds.  Her perfectly tuned energetic body continued into late in the evening as she taught a roomful of gardeners about saving seeds.  She accomplished this feat after spending a long day in the hot sun in her CSA garden.

The definition of "doing something in vain" is to put a ton of effort into a whole lot of unproductive crap.  Vanities!

Yeah, Go ahead and run a marathon now and then if you feel the need. But remember, the world has enough work to do to save it.

There is just so much that needs to be done!! Time for Forest to finish running, and start doing something of worth to others.

Go ahead and get your gold medals, then get to work.

Religious Bifurcation and escape from Moral Reality

One story, many stones.

When I was 11-12 years old, I did what I was told.  I read the scriptures and prayed and asked God if they were true.  Finally, I received my personal answer that the scriptures were true.  Great.

Now my family was besties with the Stake President's family.  My Mother besties with his wife and my father was business partners with the Stake President.  Pres H.P. mentored my father in both business, faith, family, and leadership.

Now a stake president is over many wards so he may seem to be kinda a big deal.  One Sunday as we ate together, I looked over at Pres HP and thought of what a great honor it was to have such a great man as an ordinary part of our lives and at our table.

The thought came to mind, "You don't know that he is a good man."
"But he's the stake president."
"You must ask God if he is an honorable man for yourself."
"Is Pres HP an honorable man."
"No, he is not."
"What, um, why."
"He does not apply the gospel to his business practices."(paraphrased)

I was pretty shocked and did not know what to do.  I was raised to never speak to my father without invitation, and never found the opportunity to warn my father, and being raised without the freedom of speaking to my superiors, my language was stunted anyway.

Anyway, the decade that followed was great and terrible, filled with conflict, lawsuits, unrighteous dominion.  But, my testimony of the Gospel remained because my faith was not in man, but in the Lord. To this day, I don't think my father realizes the effect this corrupt mentor had on him.

Anyway, later my father learned that Pres HP had hurt many people in the business world, and there were some hurt so badly they would commit violence if they could get away with it.  It was bad.

Guess what?  There are bad Mormon businessmen.  That was one of my first lessons.

Just as some people enjoy the suspension of morality video games seems to permit, church-going people suspend their morality in the business world, some Mormon, some of many faiths.  Now, we are not supposed to use the word "Mormon" anymore, but I think it's okay to use the word "Mormon" when applied to dishonorable individuals.

When one applies the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the Business World, businesses can be mutually beneficial, uplifting, co-supporting businesses and communities thrive as a whole.

Just an hour ago I met a woman wanting to start up a new business in Fruitland.  I told her of the social media groups she could join to promote her community and other people who nurture other businesses, without greed. I recommended she form a small network of women in her field in the community to build each other up.

On the other hand, there are those who seek to build up their own businesses by taking down other businesses, as though there is only one small lifeboat and 1000 people.

There is enough for all. We can support each other, we can respect each other, we can build each other up.

Oh, there does come a time to crack down on evil people, and then we can contend. But people simply trying to build their communities, support their families are not among them.  Thus you can not, and should not suspend your morality in business, then or ever.

That is where Greed lies.  Where businesses viciously complete destroying each other and preying on customers, that is greed in its fullness.

"The more you share, the more your bowl will be plentiful." Teranga

Step Parent Alienation - again, and again

Yep.  I got another phone call from a friend and visited with the family.

The Father is remarrying, the incoming wife is working hard to kick out the daughters. Same gender stepchildren get the worst!

Stepmothers drive out the stepdaughters first, and Step-Fathers drive out the stepsons first.

Insecurity and immaturity of the parents.

The annoying old exchange of pics of the text conversations where the stepparent behaves like an insolent child and the parent texts backing up the new stepparent's abusive behavior.

Years ago I witnessed text exchanged where I had to double, triple check because the child's texts were so mature, loving and patient while the step parents read like a ridiculous temperamental, emotional, irrational child's words.

In this situation that plays out over and over again, the child is heartbroken, angry, increased insecurity, and the opposite gender children are torn.  As the opposite gender children are not yet rejected, they don't want to support their parent's abuse of their sibling, but they want to maintain their own relationship with their parent. "Maybe, if I stay,  I can help my dad to be kinder to my sister."

The stepparent provokes the child, the child reacts and then the stepparent has more fuel to feed the actual parent to say the child is bad and must be banished.

It's not the first time I've seen it.  It's not going to be the last.

Unrighteous Dominion:  Dominion does not mean that whatever you do or decide is ordained, it means you have stewardship and accountability.

For parents, it means that God will hold you accountable for how you treat His children and flick you like a booger out of Heaven as you try to gain entry no matter how many times you've attended the temple, or alms, or service or whatever.

This is the embodiment of an unholy union that cannot be sanctified.

If you are in a remarriage where the spouse casts out the children, and feel religiously obligated to stay in the marriage, and you don't want another failed marriage, deal with it.  Continue to love your children, and serve them.  If your spouse chooses to leave, it's on them.  Casting out children is contrary to the purpose of marriage and condemns the marriage. Don't think that serving a marriage on the crushed souls of your children is meritable.  The whole point of marriage is a safe place to raise God's children, not appease your appetites and egos.

You are trying to control me

I've never understood that.  I was number 6 of 8.  I watched my older sibs to everything they were told not to do when parents were out of sight. There is no such thing as controlling someone.  I've never known anyone who could be controlled.

When I heard my teenage friends complain about their parents "trying to control" them, I thought they were pretty stupid.  I still do.  Fearing others controlling you is like fearing the boogyman.

One of the basic principles of the Gospel is Free Agency and accountability.  As members of the Church of Jesus Christ, we are taught from infancy that we always have the power to choose.  We learn to gather information, weigh the choices and choose.

The child learns to experience agency and develops their own personal power as they grow.

Turns out, the belief that you can be controlled leads to the greatest violence the world has ever seen.

An abuser works from the premise that he can be controlled.  He believes such, he fears such, he protects himself from such.  Thus all of his actions are reactionary against perceived threats of control, most of which are illusions. The fear of control by others can become obsessive to the point of abusing kind wife for her kindness.

The knowledge that you have agency and cannot be controlled, is liberating.  Once you understand your personal power, you don't have to retaliate or punish because you are free from their actions.  You do and choose, based on right and wrong, regardless of any misperceived motives of others. You don't worry about what others think, just God.

That's the other dangerous fallacy.  The attributions of evil motives to others.  I know a man who could persuade you that Mother Teresa was an evil manipulator.  All by navigating false motives.

Mein Kampf was filled with Adolph Hilters list of the evil intentions of the Jews when they "pretend" to do good.

An abusive spouse can attribute evil motives to a back rub given after a long hard day.

The further an abuser gets, in their warped mind, the smarter they think they are as they "outsmart" and preempt or retaliate against their partner.

Mindreading and attributing evil motives to everyday actions simply display one's own warped imbecile mind.  What we attribute as motives to others, reveals our own motivations, what you yourself would do in that situation.

On a community scale, false attribution of motive, and fear of power over fuels racial hatred, religious hatred, political hatred, and even bring people to war to the point that the Hutu men were willing to slaughter young schools girls.  The murderers believed they were heroes slaying the future mothers of evil.  The radios that blared every day, told them to "cut down the tall trees" (Tutsis were supposedly taller than Hutus although they were invented races.)

The only way to fight back is with the truth.  Stop listening to hate.  Learn that you are all powerful of your own actions.  Learn to exercise that power for good and to bless regardless of others.

As our favorite Yoda says, "Fear leads to Anger.  Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering"

The understanding agency is the Beginning of Love.  When we need not fear, we are free to love, we are free to act regardless of others.

Anytime, every time someone told me they thought they were being controlled, I considered them an idiot at the moment. So many times I thought, "Oh my gosh!  How do explain reality to someone who thinks like this?  Where do I even start?" And stared at them like a deer in the headlights.  I just didn't know how to explain things to them back when I was "nice."  (Nice and kind are distinctly different and separate as Nice is fake, and Kind is both loving and helpful, and intelligent.)

I am finally kind enough to say, "You are an idiot".

The sad irony is that those who believe they can be controlled, can be controlled.  Usually is the one whispering to them, or shouting to them, that they are being controlled, that is actually doing the controlling.  Those who believe they can be manipulated, are usually manipulated not by the one they think, but the one telling them.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about personal power.   Because we are free, we don't have to reactively retaliate.  The act of turning the other cheek is an act of absolute personal power, not submission.

Power over self is the only real social power that exists. All of Christ's teaching focus on learning that personal power.  Power over others in only an illusion.

Everyone Lies to the Short Tempered

Short tempered dominating men think they dominate and that they are in Authoritative control.

Nope, everyone lies to them and controls their reality making them think that for their own survival.

Short tempered=Emotionally unfit

No one trusts them. Yeah, they are in charge, but everyone plays Bagdad Bob to appease them and keep them calm.

If you are the kind of person in a crisis where everyone else's first step in the crisis is to calm you down, you will not be included or informed of a crisis until the army is banging down your door.

Stop getting mad at everyone else trying to survive your ridiculous temper.

Learn to control your temper and realize everything is not about you.  Stop making everything about you.  The crisis is about the crisis. If you want to be an actually valued person, demonstrate your ability to see the problem for what it is and stand by helping people get through it. (not about you)

Instead of stomping in condemning, walk-in calmly and ask, "What is the problem and how do you want me to help?"

Stick to sane problem-solving.  Have a little faith.  I sometimes wonder if those who lose their temper just lack faith.

Some are just full grown toddlers who want their way.  (next sentence deleted, retyped and deleted again)

We teach our newborns and toddlers how to handle a crisis.  If we freak out to our babes, they learn to freak out every time something goes wrong.  If we act all chill and work the problem, we teach our babes to chill and work the problem.  THAT is where they learn to trust us.  When our children see us handle problems methodically and respectfully, they are more willing to turn to us later to help them work out their problems methodically and respectfully.  Guess what, they learn to be reasonable awesome adults!

Chill,  Respect and Work the Problem

Some People have to be told Right and Wrong

The Faith I subscribe to teaches that all individuals are given the Light of Christ, in which they know right from wrong. From that, I once believed that I should shut up my nature of telling people what basic right from wrong.  I thought that I should suppress that and let them make their mistakes and learn for themselves.

Just today as the children played a silly game in Sunday School an 8-year-old boy tried to step up and physically correct a poor player, and I spoke out saying, "You must let them make their own mistake."

In many ways this is true.  In many ways, this is not true.  Learning the balance is the key.

I have a young friend born with no arms.  She has a funny thumby nob on her shoulder.  Will she be judged for not using her arms?  Of course not.

Just as someone can be born without limbs or their limbs are eaten by a shark (She got tired of people asking what happened to her arms, and settled a shark story. I may or may not have and something to do with that.) Just as one can have no limbs, the part of the brain that manages personal accountability, empathy, understanding, love, bonding, you know all those things that make us a sometimes worthy species, that part of the brain can malfunction from prenatal damage, TBI's, drug damage, our countless other reasons.

These people may or may not care what others think.  If they don't care what others think, you're outta luck, they are completely sadistic and "unmanageable" by any means.

If the part of the brain that cares what others think is active, you are in luck. You will recognize them because they never shut up about what Billy, Bob, or George thinks while you wondering why they care what Bill, Bob, or George thinks.

Anyway, there are different degrees of this disability.  It may be someone feels empathy, but they are so emotionally illiterate they have no clue that they are actually feeling someone else's pain or suffering.  They may lash out as though the pain they inflict is actually the pain they suffer. Can we train these people to recognize that they are actually feeling empathy, and if they stop hurting others, their own pain will stop?

Or maybe they don't feel others pain at all.  Yuk.

We had a cat that grew painful furballs quickly.  She would lash out and claw you as you walked by thinking you caused her suffering. That's when we put on the thick gloves and gave her a good trim.

I don't know, but like many, I've spent too many hours trying to figure out the varieties madness witnessed.

Some people, are missing their own, "Light of Christ" just as my friend is missing her arms.  In order to fit in and be accepted by society, some pretend they do, but they are just confidently, assertively pretending they have random values of those they respect. If they have crappy friends and respect the wrong values, they may end up standing tall, confidently asserting some crappy values.  With these people, it is essential that you speak out about right and wrong.  Be the right friend. Stand up fearlessly and be heard.  Don't let them intimidate you. Teach them that empathy and understanding are a good thing.  Teach them how to understand people. Teach them to respect others instead of seeing them as "inferior" peeps to be commanded.  Teach them that respect goes both ways.  Don't expect a child to respect you if you don't respect them. They may bind themselves to churchgoers who teach them their version of right and wrong.  Some churchgoers are good, and some churchgoers of the very same faith are awful.

It's so important to assert respectful kind values.  Perhaps such a person should go back to kindergarten Sunday School.

Anyway, speak up for the basic stuff.  Love your children.  Don't threaten or intimidate to get what you want.

If you love them, speak up, 99% of my regrets are keeping my mouth shut assuming the other person knew more than they did or I was afraid of offending and I was waiting for a "nice" way to say it to come to me.

If someone lashes out at you for the abuse they commit, just say, "Time to trim your furballs".  I hope you have good pair of gloves!

My Guilt was Swept Away

Having one's "guilt swept away", means that you no longer feel inner turmoil when your sins are spoken of.  It means you care more about repairing the damage and making sure others don't commit the same abuses.

Peter's sins are openly spoken of in the Bible. There was no whitewashing.
Paul's sins are openly spoken of in the Bible.  There was no whitewashing.

Whitewashing is not any part of the repentance process. 

Just as a reformed gang member openly speaks of the fact they were a gang member, and campaigns to help others who would fall into the trap of gangs, so are others who reform.

If that reformed gang member were to persecute anyone who told the truth about them, then they are hiding their sins, not reforming and not repenting.

As long as someone is trying to hide and silence the past, there is no repentance.

Huge difference!

Authoritarian Unrighteous Dominion

One form of Unrighteous Dominion is the use of Authoritarianism to enforce righteousness. Free will is given to us from the event of the creation of our very souls, long before birth. Authoritarianism offends our basic right of self-determination, thus provoking the subjugated against the "good" principle Authoritarianism is used to enforce. Those of us subject to this form of Unrighteous Dominion may either obey because the demand is correct anyway, or rebel because of our offense to force. Thus, in the end, Authoritarianism breeds rebellion against the very good its used to promote. Those who do obey are seen as weak imbeciles, hated and persecuted by the rebels. Thus Authoritarianism destroys all good in the very act of enforcing good. This happens in the home and family, in the schools, and in the Nations at large. The key is, without Authoritarianism how do you teach good things? There are times one in charge must enforce. I remember my first memory at my mother's breast. I felt love, safety, goodness overwhelm me. I obeyed out of love more than fear. As a young mother, I recognized the failure of my pathetic attempts at authoritarian rule over my children. My oldest had an unbreakable spirit. Thus I had to relearn how to work with him. He broke me in and fixed me for his sibs. I had to let go of everything I thought I knew and fly blind. If I could go back to the beginning, you betcha I would be awesome!! That's what grandparenting is for! Anyway, the microsystem reflects the MacroSystem. The family and the nation are the same.

The Ultimate Super Power

Anyone weak imbecile can engulf themselves in anger, and act out. Anyone can come up with a good insult.  Anyone can unleash their worst to degrade another human being.  Anyone can choose to use all they know of the worst to destroy another soul.

Retaliating is not, nor has it ever been strength or power.
The only strength or power that exists in power over self.
It takes strength to stand strong and firm when insulted.
It takes strength and character to speak kindly and patiently when someone is cursing and swearing at you.
It takes strength to listen patiently while someone vents verbal vomit all over you.
Then to turn around, stay on relevant non-abusive topic and say only that which is needed to be said.
Unfortunately for me, I have years of this experience. As many others have.
Any imbecile will believe that any gap in their own personal understanding of the given situation is an intentional lie or deception. So yes, they will accuse you of lying any time they do not understand something. Ignore it and continue to only say that which is required.

There is no power over others, only power over self.

That being said,

Abusers do not stop abusing until you stop them.  Healthy people, if they are unkind to you, you respond with non-threatening kindness, and they realize they were wrong and become kind.

Abusers keep abusing until they are stopped.  They see your kindness and self control as submission, as an acknowledgment of their right to abuse, and as their superiority.

Sometimes you have to let that go.  It doesn't matter "What they think".  Just that you do that which is required and go on. You may not have the power to change what they think.  You can only control yourself.

I was raised to obediently and kindly submit to any abuse given to me.  That is not what I am saying.  Submitting to abuse is in and of itself the sin of Unrighteous Submission is the counterpart to Unrighteous Dominion. Unrighteous Submission perpetuates abuse both of yourself and your children. One of the hardest lessons in life is to stand strong, not submit, but to simply dominate yourself, and bravely accept or deny requests at your own judgment regardless of how it is presented, but based on the validity of the request itself.

You must learn that "No." is a complete sentence.  You do not have to explain yourself.  You are a valid human being, and you can just say, "No."

You may get a longwinded tirade of hate and just reply, "Yes" or "No" without explanation or expounding.
The hardest part is when it is someone you love hurting you.  Fighting back is difficult because no matter what they do, you just can't find it in you to fight in a way that hurts them.