Healing from Trauma

You may find your friend, who is trying to heal from a life distress annoying as they talk and think ceaselessly about the cause of their serious distress. A serious life crises can take weeks, days, months, or even years for the individual to process. Talking about, and processing the trauma is essential for the individual to survive the trauma and move on. A great example of this was the aftermath of WWII. We all know the endless stories of the terrible atrocities committed during WWII. After the War, we had the Iron Curtain. On the West Side of the Iron Curtain, there was Freedom of Speech. People talked about what happened, documented it, made movies of it, made memorials to it, endless WWII sagas of it, learned from it. The individuals who's actions proved more serious, were taken to court and punished accordingly. The neighbors of the death camps, were brought in to the death camps to witness to the world, that which they chose to ignore. On the other side of the Iron Curtain, was silenced. All of the countries taken over by the Soviet Union, were condemned to not speak of what happened to them and their families, and neighbors, and loved ones. 40+ years later, when the Iron Curtain fell, on the West Side of the curtain, the countries who experienced overwhelming atrocities, had dealt with their trauma sufficiently and moved on. On the East Side of the Iron Curtain, nothing was dealt with. Old festering, unhealed wounds grew. Warmongers took advantage of this, and provoked the people to violence. Eastern Europe fell into War and Chaos after the fall of the Iron Curtain. Let your friends and loved ones heal. Let them tire you with their stories repeated for the umpteenth time. Forgive them of their endless banter. Be there for them. Listen. Understand. Be there.

Trauma and Forgiveness.

Overcoming trauma in all its forms is a hard thing. Feeling traumatized does not mean you do not forgive have not accepted Christ's Atonement. Trauma and forgiveness are two separate human states. One can forgive someone who struck out at them repeatedly. But later, when someone raises a hand to high five, you may find yourself ducking for cover, and confused. As you wonder why you reacted that way, you may remember the cause. Forgiveness aside, it's still hard to allow someone to bring their hand near your face. Please understand the difference between trauma and forgiveness.

Herod vs Jesus

I've always been mystified by the interaction between Herod Antipas and Jesus Christ.

Previously, Herod beheaded John the Baptist at the request of Herodias.  Jesus mourned the death of John.

Now, as a Mormon, I believe in the Pre-existance.  That we all lived together in the presence of Elohim.  I believe that everyone born here, chose to come here.  Many of us were given callings to live at certain times, and in certain places.  Jesus Christ was called to be the Savior, and Abraham was called to be a prophet then.  Adam, and Noah, and especially Eve were called and chosen before the world began.

I believe that before birth, Herod was called to be political King at the time of Christ.  It is my personal opinion, that before Birth, that Herod rejoiced in Christ, and loved him.  That Herod believed that it was sooo cool that he would get to be the political King during the life of Christ.  I believe that Herod was excited about the power he would personally have to help Jesus in his ministry.  It is my guess, that Herod got pretty excited about that power and his desire to use it for Christ before birth.

It is my guess, that Herod came into the world knowing that he needed that power to serve Jesus Christ, but that after birth, and in his upbringing, he forgot the purpose of his power, and the purpose for his need for power, and became obsessed with power itself.

It is my guess that Herod, after forgetting the original purpose of his need for power, sadly, saw Jesus Christ and his power over the hearts and minds of the people, as a threat to his own power.  I believe that after Herod died, that his memory was restored.  I believe that his memory of Jesus Christ, and his desire to serve him before birth, and his own tragic betrayal of that purpose, is the very Hell Fire Herod exists within.

It is my opinion, that Jesus Christ our Savior, had a faint memory, or sense of his eternal friendship and relationship to Herod.

Jesus Christ stood silent before Herod, as Herod mocked and let him to his crucifixion.

Jesus stood silently before Herod in all affliction that was inflicted upon him.  I personally think, that Jesus thought upon his own sense of the cherished relationship with Herod, and how Herod had become so corrupted in his pursuit of power, that he no longer retained a knowledge of the very purpose of that power.

It is my personal opinion that all of this flooded the mind of Christ as he stood silent before Herod.

Herod treated Jesus Christ with such malice and cruelty, but Jesus stood silent before him..

Sometimes, when those we love treat us with malice and cruelty, we can only stand silent before them.

Much of this is my personal view, not taught to me by any scripture or Prophet.  But simply my perceptions derived from the basic principles of the Gospel I was taught.

Have you ever stood silent while someone you cared for ripped you to shreds?

What's my Motivation?

I’ve been told over and over from you know who that I’m motivated by power and controlling people.  This was very confusing to me coming from someone who is openly, aggressively, dominating and will belittle, intimidate, show aggression to anyone who doesn’t do his will.  Especially toward me.

Alright, what’s my motivation?

As a little girl I used to sing, “When I grow up, I want to be a mother, and have a family.  One, Little, Two little, three little babies of my own.”  The ending verse is “Four little, Five little, six little babies of my own.”

As a young teen I believed my children could see me, and were watching me intently to see how I lived my life, and the life I would prepare for them.

Lots of boys tried to kiss me, but I always felt my kids were with me.  So, not  much smoochy cooperation from me.  Every boy I met, was nope, nope, and more nope.  I did get into a serious relationship with a fine young Civil Engineering student.  I don’t know if he would have called it serious.   But my kids yelled, “NOPE!”  the whole time.

My first memory as a young child was lying of the floor, having been put down for a nap in my brothers’ room.  As I laid there, I remembered something beautiful and wonderful.  I felt overwhelmed with joy, and peace, and remembrance of where I came from.  I knew that I should have forgotten by then what I then remembered.  I decided to force myself to retain a remembrance, by remembering the room and the feeling I had.  I believed that if I could do that, that I would remember what I knew I would forget in time.  Well, I now remember the room, the red door, the antlers on the door, and the feelings I had, and the intent I had.   But, I have no knowledge of just what it was I was remembering, other than it was wonderful.

As a Latter Day Saint, I believe that every child born, comes from the very presence of God our Creator, and our Heavenly Mother.  That every child born or woman, is a literal child of God with all the potential as future creators as God himself, and herself.  That we are cherished with infinite potential of being.

Every child placed in my arms gives me a sense of overwhelming awe and wonder at the beauty of creation.  Each newborn in my home, gave me the sense of being in the audience of actual angels.

In my youth, I was usually cautious of my actions, never wanting to do anything that would bring shame on my children.  I never wanted to disappoint my children or my future husband.

I felt anxious to meet my children someday.  I often said, I was number 6 of 8 kids.  So the family starts at 6 and finishes with 8.  Strange that that quote has been misquoted by someone, considering how many times I said it.

I took the finding of my children’s father seriously.  Nope, Nope, and more nope.  I didn’t believe in love at first sight, or the “only one”.  But I had a sense, that I would “know” him when I met him.   That I would just know.

I met lots of Nope, nope and more nope.  Some asked if I was gay.  I just said no.  I had good examples of fine young men that I grew up with, which set the standard even higher.

I used to brag about serving a mission as a sister missionary someday.  I would claim that someday I would be the first Sister Missionary to China, or Russia, as they were then closed.

Then one day, as I stood in the kitchen of 501 N Blaine St, in Moscow, Idaho, the claim went through my head.  A voice said, “Natalie, you will be single when you are 21, but you are not to serve a mission.  You will meet your husband while you would have served your mission.   You will go to China with your young children.  Your family will disapprove and this will be very hard for you.  But, you must go with your husband and small children to China.”

I was stunned.  But I took it into my heart and told no one.  I didn’t tell my parents that I wasn’t going to serve a mission.  They kept asking about my future mission, and I became just silent on the issue.  I didn’t know what to say.

When I turn 21 and my parents asked me about my mission papers, I finally told them, that I would not serve a mission, but I did not tell them why.   They were very disappointed and concerned.  I’m sure that they must have thought that I had fallen into sin and corruption of some sort.

As a young adult I felt very guided at times, as to where and what I should do for work, and where to live.  Other times, I felt silence, which kinda scared me.

During the time I would have served a mission, I was sitting at work one day, and I was overcome with the sense that I should go home.  Not to my apartment, or to Moscow, as I no longer had family there.  But that I should go home immediately to California where my family moved to.  I walked into  my supervisors office and gave 4 weeks notice.  I walked back to my desk, and called the apt manager, and within 10 minutes had a new tenant signed up form apt.

I packed up all my belongings, and in 4 weeks time, moved to California, a state that I will never claim.

My brother was recently returned from a mission, so I spent time with him and the other Young Adult singles.

One day I was in an LDS class with a young fellow named Scott, when he walked in.  “Matthew”  I thought. I looked at him, I knew his name, I knew his mother was dying of cancer, he was from Southern Idaho, and that of all things, he drove a Mazda.  Why a Mazda?  Whatever!

I wanted to go up to him, hug him and tell him how much I missed him.  I wanted to ask him about everything that had happened in his life.

Some one from the room called out “Matt”, and he responded.  That freaked me out.

Of course, he doesn’t actually go buy Matt, and he spells it with 1 “t”. But in that moment, it was “Matthew”.

But I looked at him and knew, we had never met before. Knowing I would absolutely freak the poor guy out, I said nothing to him at the time.

From then one, I had to play it cool, but I knew.   No man existed in my life after that. From then, until even after he left me years later.  No man existed other than him.

His mother was dying,and she provided an anchor and wisdom for him.

 I loved him with all my heart.  For the first time in my life. Yes, Absolutely Yes.

I felt relieved and at peace.  I felt I knew him forever before.

For then and the years that followed, anything he did although troubling, I felt was just one tiny, minuscule moment in a great long history of eternity.   It’s hard to get offended or angry when you feel you’ve loved someone for an eternity.

We discussed having children, I gave him my silly line, “I’m number six of eight, so the family starts at six and ends at 8.”  He said he was “more comfortable with five.”  I just assumed their would be a compromise somewhere between 5-8 children.

As we were young, and uneducated, we set out to make sure he could get his complete education so he could provide well for our family, and have piece.

The sacrifices we made as a family for his education were infinite and eternal.  We made every sacrifice possible.  We faced hardships and trials together.  We had our children in time.

When we lived in Salt Lake City, and he attended the University of Utah, a teacher encouraged him to take a scholarship from the NSEP program that would pay for him to go to China.

When he came home and told me, I knew I was required to support him.  Know that I still had NEVER told ANYONE.  Not even him.  I knew that the Lord had a great Purpose for us and our children.

I knew that it would be hard.  I knew my family would not support it, and they didn’t.  My mother still tells me that I should not have gone, and that going to China is why my husband left me.

I don’t regret it now, or ever.  I know I did what was needed.  I will never know why, and I accept that.

He left for Taipei first, and I followed with our two small/huge boys after.  Life was challenging.  We were terribly poor.  I did laundry by hand, and we faced incredible adversity.

When we returned, we had no car, no home, and no job.  He found work, bought a car, and we stayed with his kindly step father.

While in Taipei, I was concerned about our son, and prayed for guidance.  As I prayed, I  saw a beautiful little girl, who would change his life forever.  I missed her from the moment I first saw her.  I told Mathew, and we was shocked because of the adversity we faced at that time.

Eventually we had two beautiful girls, which one is her, I do not know.  But I love them terribly.   We all made sacrifices to be a family, to have a beautiful future for all of us.

I could spend days writing of the hardships we faced for him.

Every day, every moment, every second, I spent in the caring for my wonderful children and husband.  He mad mistakes, he  could be mean at times.  But I believed that as I was kind in return to any harshness that he would understand I meant him no harm, nor could I ever harm him.

He came from a broken family, and had an epically terrible father.  Anytime Mathew behaved harshly I blamed his father.  I hoped that by attending church, and living the Gospel, that he would overcome the ideas that darkened his mind, and find peace and joy in our family.

Every day I thought, and worked on helping my children and their father reach every great potential they had.  I worked to help them recognize their talents and abilities.

In September, 2001, Mathew kissed me and told me he loved me, and left fishing with his brothers for a week.  On September 9, 2001 he returned angry, and fierce.

I was in a daze and confused by his every word.  It would be years before I could ever understand.  But I’ve learned that the opposite of the Gospel teaches that people can be controlled, and that you have to protect yourself from being controlled.  While the Gospel teaches that we are free to choose, and thus we never need to fear such things.  We can prove our agency by being kind to those who are not.  We can teach others who hate, that they need not hate, by being kind to them.  But those who believe they can be controlled lash out in cruelty to protect against what they perceive as a threat.

This is why the Savior taught us to be kind to those who offend.  Because, it is so easy to convince certain people, that good people only do good in order to control. Then Satan can turn the hearts against the innocent.

These two believe systems are at war throughout the earth, and even more now, during these politically scary days.

Knowing that no one can control you, and that you are a literal child of God, gives one the strength to see the beauty in others.

The darkness of the other believe system has consumed my family and nearly destroyed my children too.  I watched darkness consume some as they were taught darkness.

As he left I was terrified for my children.  I wept for them nightly.  How could I raise them and teach them of love and devotion in this situation. How could I possibly protect them alone.  Fear for my children consumed me.  Fear for Mathew and the consequences of his cruel to him and and the children terrified me.

He became so dark and scary, and seemed to celebrate cruelty to me.  But, I could not fight back because of the deep love I had for him.  No matter how I turned the other cheek, he saw every act of kindness as aggression.  When i finally had to defend myself, he saw that as aggression.

Korihor is very real.  Korihor was a man who lived a couple of thousand years ago, that taught that loved ones only seek to control you. That faith is only to control and dominate you.  He seeded hate and the destruction of sacred relationships.

I love my children. I hurt for them.  I want them to be able to accomplish every thing that our Creators have given for them.  I see their numerous adversities and want to help them see their way through them.

I want them to know that they are literal Children of the very Beings who created the Universe itself.  That they never need to fear being controlled, but they have all power over themselves, and all power to do good in the world we are sent to.

I want them to know that they can overcome evil with good and kindness.  I want them to know that there is no need for cruelty in the world.  That good wins over evil by kindness and love.

I want them to know that sadly, sometimes they do have to fight back, but only when absolutely necessary, and only with as much measure is necessary.  That they can return again to kindness every chance they have.

I want them to know that God the Creator loves them and is watching over them.  I want them to know all of these things.

I want them to love others unconditionally without fear.  A heart that fears the myth of control can never love freely.

I want them to explore their gifts and talents, and rejoice in them.

The belief that we can be controlled, persuades all men to do evil.  It worked WWII and every other war and confrontation within the earth.

Moroni 7

“But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him...

And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.

And now, my brethren, how is it possible that ye can lay hold upon every good thing? And now I come to that faith, of which I said I would speak; and I will tell you the way whereby ye may lay hold on every good thing. 

For behold, God knowing all things, being from everlasting to everlasting, behold, he sent angels to minister unto the children of men, to make manifest concerning the coming of Christ; and in Christ there should come every good thing.
And God also declared unto prophets, by his own mouth, that Christ should come.

And behold, there were divers ways that he did manifest things unto the children of men, which were good; and all things which are good cometh of Christ; otherwise men were fallen, and there could no good thing come unto them.

Wherefore, by the ministering of angels, and by every word which proceeded forth out of the mouth of God, men began to exercise faith in Christ; and thus by faith, they did lay hold upon every good thing; and thus it was until the coming of Christ.

And after that he came men also were saved by faith in his name; and by faith, they become the sons of God. And as surely as Christ liveth he spake these words unto our fathers, saying: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men?

For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens.

And because he hath done this, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men.

For behold, they are subject unto him, to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness.

 And the office of their ministry is to call men unto repentance, and to fulfil and to do the work of the covenants of the Father, which he hath made unto the children of men, to prepare the way among the children of men, by declaring the word of Christ unto the chosen vessels of the Lord, that they may bear testimony of him.

And by so doing, the Lord God prepareth the way that the residue of men may have faith in Christ, that the Holy Ghost may have place in their hearts, according to the power thereof; and after this manner bringeth to pass the Father, the covenants which he hath made unto the children of men.

And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.

And he hath said: Repent all ye ends of the earth, and come unto me, and be baptized in my name, and have faith in me, that ye may be saved.

And now, my beloved brethren, if this be the case that these things are true which I have spoken unto you, and God will show unto you, with power and great glory at the last day, that they are true, and if they are true has the day of miracles ceased?

 Or have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he withheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved?

Behold I say unto you, Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain.

For no man can be saved, according to the words of Christ, save they shall have faith in his name; wherefore, if these things have ceased, then has faith ceased also; and awful is the state of man, for they are as though there had been no redemption made.

But behold, my beloved brethren, I judge better things of you, for I judge that ye have faith in Christ because of your meekness; for if ye have not faith in him then ye are not fit to be numbered among the people of his church.

And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?

And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.

Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.

And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.

 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

 45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”

My Needs Aren't Being Met

My needs, my needs, MY NEEDS AREN'T BEING MET!

How many times have we heard this from grown men?

My needs, my needs, my needs.   The book His Needs, Her Needs, really inflates an individuals sense of entitlements to My Needs.

Oh my heaven's I've had it, I've had it.

The next person who says "My Needs" and isn't a nursing baby is getting a metal bat.

So, 14 years ago, the end of my first marriage.   I had 3 and 6/9 children, and a workaholic, husband.  Being great with child, and essentially a single mother taking care of the three, I was pretty exhausted by the time my honey came home.   Every bone ached.  Every muscle ached. My emotions  had it.  But I didn't take it out on him.  When he came home, he didn't see how tired I was, or how much I did, or what challenges I faced in the day.  He wasn't psychic, and I didn't expect him to be.  I wanted to meet his needs, but I was just so tired and exhausted. But I still tried.

But all I heard from him was lectures on his needs, and how his needs weren't being met.  He would lecture me on his needs.   Two weeks after #4 was born, it was 2 in the morning, I hadn't slept yet.  I'd scrambled all day to care for all four children.  At 2 in the morning, he lectured me on "My needs aren't being met."  He lectured me on his needs.  His demands, emotionally, physically, sexually.  Oh it was far worse than that.

How did he not see the needs of his wife and children. His children were begging him to be a part of his life.  He was needed so badly by all of us, his family, but all I heard from him was, "My needs, My needs."

Every day, every night, every moment of my life was focused on every else's needs.  It's all I knew.  It's what I did.  I didn't even know any more, how to take care of, think about, or even consider any of my needs.  There was just no room for that in the lives of my family.

So years later, my second husband.  So there I was, a single mom with four children, at least 1 special needs child, caring for them all to exhaustion.  Each child had and has unique challenges and adversities to face and help through.  Every day was a challenge.  Some days, after facing an emotionally and physically, and spiritually challenging whatever on my own, after the challenge passed, I would just collapse and cry to the bottom of my soul.  Oh dear heavens, how can I meet all these needs of others when I feel so broken.

So along came my second husband.  The prospect of temptation of having someone in my life to help take care of me, and help as a loving father was wonderful.  Every week for a year, he kept fresh flowers on my table before we married. He seemed to love me and genuinely care about me.  I wanted to be sure he knew how challenging my family and children are, so I hid nothing from him.  I wanted to come into the marriage with full knowledge of what challenges there were to faee.

Why and how in the world does a man, look at a single mom with 4 children, exhausted and still going on bravely, how does a man, think he should marry that woman so she can fill all his needs?!

Immediately after we married, "My needs aren't being met."  Seriously!  Who does that? Who marries an exhausting single mom to fill their own needs!  Even during the honey moon, he began lecturing me on his needs.   Every sentence, every moment, every hour.  He lectured me at the cabin on his needs, I begged him to take a break from it and go to the beautiful lake with me.   When we got in the car, he lectured me on his needs, when we arrived at the lake, he lectured me in the car of "His needs".  He was a "gentleman" so literally wasn't allowed to open my own door.  So when I reached for the door to get out, he came around, opened the door, blocked it with his 6'2" 350 pound body, and continued to lecture me.  "We have to work out our problems, my needs need to be met."  "Can we please go to the Lake and enjoy our honey moon?" I asked.

As he lost his job just before we married, (he worked the same job 15 years thus I had faith in his ability to work.) he was able to keep me in my room, when he returned home.  He would lecture me for the next couple of months on, "We have to work out our problems.  My needs aren't being met".   I would beg him to let me leave the room and care for my family, to make dinner, to do something enjoyable.  "We have to work our our problems.  My needs aren't being met."  He was obsessed with his needs and his appetites, and had no view or consideration for the needs of others.  He wouldn't even allow me to leave the bedroom for the first two months, for more than a few minutes. When I did finally open the door, and walk into the kitchen, he would stand against the wall glaring at my sons, with his hands in his pockets.

Instead of being the loving, helping father I'd hoped for, he was obsessed with his needs, and interfered with my ability to care for my children, and set a terrible example for my children.

He tired to drive my sons away so I could meet "His needs."  He did a pretty good job.  Repairing those relationships is hard.

I felt like I was caring for a 350 lb 6'2" nursing infant.

"My needs, my needs."

I guess the book His Needs, Her needs at least covers the other persons needs.  But I still hate the book as a "You're not meeting my needs, thus it's your fault I'm unfaithful" book.

So a few years back a friend of mine needed my help. She has 4 disabled children, and she herself is physically afflicted.  When the best surgeons in the country meet with her, to discus how they can surgically help on of her children, they, the Doctors, literally cry in discouragement.

So she is a woman physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted and broken, but still caring to her dying breath for her children.

Anyway, so she, the mom, had major surgery.  She was in the hospital for a week.  When she returned home she was expected to take care of her home and children and husband, at least by him.

She called me one day, just one week after surgery.  She needed help to the grocery, and the bank.  I reprimanded her repeatedly through the trip for over working, as she could barely move.

When we returned home, she insisted on stocking the freezer on the bottom of her fridge herself.  She sat on the floor cross legged, while emptying the bags of frozen food into the freezer.  Her husband came in after a long hard day at work.

"I need dinner."

"The church brought us this dinner here."

"I don't want that dinner, I want dinner."

"We have this frozen food I can make"

"I need dinner."

He bent down put his arms on the door of the freezer, brought his head down to her face.

"I am home from work.  I don't want freezer food, I don't want the dinner the church brought.  I want dinner." He said with a stern commanding voice.

I should have just handed that man a baby bottle, a blankie, and metal bat to the head.

People who are obsessed with their own needs become intensely abusive as they pursue their own needs through you.  They are consumed by their appetites.  They're abusively blind to the challenges others face.  They become abusers who think they are victims!

Time to grow up and be a man.

Some people are obsessed with their own needs and appetites.

Some people are obsessed with meeting other people's needs.

Put them together, and abuse is going to happen baby!

I see all of them as 6'2" 350 lb men with binkies.

No one is going to meet all our "needs" and it's cruel to demand it from others.  When we grow up, its our turn to serve.  So quit being a bunch of babies and help the mother of your children and to love and care for them.

Seriously!  How hard is that!

Is there such a thing as a Narcissist Empath?

Stay with me.

Okay, Empath and empathy.

When my kids get hurt, I feel real physical pain.  When I see  someone I care about in pain, "I feel their pain." Not in the Clinton creepy way, but real pain.  When my friends attempt to tell me about their latest injury or whatnot, I HAVE to stop them!  It hurts.

When I was caring for a friend's sick horse, I could feel the pain come off of her in waves so badly that I nearly left that poor, dear, mare in the field.  But I stayed.

I know this is common.  There are plenty of moms, sister, daughters and even brothers and fathers that feel this intense empathy.

I felt it for him everyday.  I could have never hurt him, because I would hurt just as much if not more so by hurting him.

Every other day he came home telling me of some random though he had through the day.  Each time, I had been thinking of the same thing all day.

When he came home tired and weary, I forgot all my own pain and felt his.  I would try to ease that pain by comforting him any way I could.  As his pain eased, so did mine.

There were a few times where I felt a sudden intense feeling of distress when he was away, so intense I found myself on my knees praying for help.  Then, he would come home and say, "We need to talk."  I always knew.

You try a custody battle when you feel your spouses pain.  It makes it hard to fight.

When we didn't talk or see each other for two years, I suddenly felt as though I was  going to die.  No really, I felt I had an illness that would most certainly kill me.  I even took out a life insurance policy on my with him as the beneficiary so he could raise the children.  Even tough it was really probably him, as cancer runs strong in his family.

You can look through every email/text/communication and see a refusal on my part to inflict any unnecessary hurt or harm.

Even after. One day I found myself in the garden, minding my own business while the kids were at Dads.  Suddenly, I felt a wave of hatred and anger boiling inside saying, "I'm going to make his life difficult, I'm going to move to where it is hard for him to see the kids."  I immediately knew it was not me I was hearing.  I had a Gollum/Smeagal argument.  "No, I will not move to make things difficult for him.  No I will not act in anger.  I came to Idaho because the Lord wanted us here.  Not because of retaliation or any obscene motive."  When the children returned that weekend, they told me their father was moving out of state and intended to take them there.  I laughed, then took appropriate measures.

I often wondered if the feelings went both ways.

What if some people feel what others feel, but don't recognize that it's not their own feeling that they are feeling.

I see my child hit their hip on the table, I feel pain, I know it's my child's pain.  What if some people never know the pain they feel inside belongs to someone else?  What if some people inflict pain on others.  They feel the very pain they inflict, but never come to the realization that the pain they feel is empathy.  What if they actually think it is their own pain?  Such a person would escalate every time they inflict pain, because their personal distress elevates.  They don't know the true source, and they don't stop?

A Narcissist Empath?  I think it's possible.

Could you possibly train a Narcissist Empath to realize that the pain they feel, is the pain they inflict, and thus, help them give a crap?

More on Step Parent Alienation

Oh how awful it is to be married to someone who drives away your children.  How sickening it feels to hear them go on an on trying to detail the faults of your children.

I would rather never marry for eternal lifetimes, and be with my children, than to have to be with someone who does not love cherish and accept my children in all their glorious beauty and flaws.

Our children are the most precious gifts of God.

I am so glad I did not allow that relationship to continue.  I am so grateful to my children for their amazing forgiveness.  I am sorry for the trials they faced when my back was turned, although it was brief, it was eternally to long.

Who does that to someone?  Who dares ask a parent to alienate the very children our Creator sent them to care for.

Before we married, when he was on his knees asking me to marry him, I kept him there, on his knees interrogating him at least 10 minutes.  "Do you promise to love and accept all my children?"  He already had a pretty solid taste of how challenging my kids could be.  Whatever!

Single motherhood, barely swimming above poverty and a small home with the children is better than worldly possessions and a spouse that wants you all to themself.

After the "I do"s, once he went on an on about a specific child.  I faked being asleep for 30 minutes and he was still going.  I actually fell asleep and woke up yet another 30 minutes later and he was still going.....

Yes our kids have faults.  Yes our children make mistakes.  It's called growing up.

But, parents are supposed to be mature enough and big enough to love them through it, and be there for them always.

Getting out of those relationships isn't always easy.  Say you realize you married your stalker, what do you do then?  You cannot leave them and keep yourself and your family safe.  You slowly and carefully disappoint them until they leave you.

The easiest way to disappoint them is to continue to accept your children into your home, and love them.

I know I will be held accountable for what happened to my children while distracted.

I'd rather have no companion than that.

I am so very, very glad that is over. Oh the peace that brings.

But, I have what is most precious.  Those things are nothing.  Although repairing the damage done to my children took a lot of work, and will continue to be work. I am so grateful every day that it is over with him.

Being around someone who drives away your children warps your brain. It tears you apart in too many directions.  That kind of toxic negativity takes a while to clean off your soul.

Marriages are supposed to be Sacred and Holy.  Marriages are supposed to be a blessing to your and your children.

This afternoon I returned home and couldn't find my daughter.  I looked around in our small home, all of 1.5 seconds.  Then I looked outside.  I looked around the yard, and initially I couldn't find her.  Then I looked up high in the tree and laughed.  She sat there quit and thoughtfully staring into the sky for a while.  She is so much braver than I am.  How I love her for that!  She even has baked potatoes sized muscles in her arms.  Where did she get those?  Later I quietly laughed at her strawberry jam/boiled egg/spinach sandwich.  My son came to me excited with another of his ideas.  I listen to these at least once a day.  He's kinda smart which makes him hard to follow.    Later I watched my other daughter go from happy over whatever, to sad, and "No, I don't want to talk about it."  To happy again.

We made healthy chocolate snacks.  #3 hated them, laughed and spat hers out. She then added sweet and condensed milk to hers.   (various nut butters, raw local honey, coconut shreds, and dark chocolate powder formed into truffle balls, then rolled in chocolate powder again)  The only bad thing about chocolate is the fat used to deliver it with.  Nut fats, healthy.

Teens are nuts.  I love them.  I strangle them.  But, I love them too.