How Families of Abusers Jusify Abuse

Conscience Impairment. (CI)

The prefrontal cortex of our brain, is where doctors claim our conscience sets. Any Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) can severely damage this section, especially in early childhood. Just as we can loose our hearing and eyesight, we can loose our Conscience through no fault of our own. Those without a functioning Conscience are often referred to as sociopaths. Sociopaths have no sense of right or wrong. They do have a sense of their own personal needs and wants, and this replaces their conscience. However one of the basic needs of the Sociopathic form of Conscience Impairment is social respect. They want people to love them, and will conform to the social dictates of who they are with to achieve that affection. The Conscience Impaired will conform instantly to the morals of whomever they are with. Just as the blind need guide dogs, and the deaf need closed captioning, lip reading, and sign language, or prosthetics, the Conscience Impaired need others to provide a conscience. They use the people around them as sort of a prosthetic conscience. Depending on the degree of Conscience Impairment, if the people around them have high moral standards, the Conscience Impaired, will be guided by them, and can even make it to heaven. Believe it or not. However if the Conscience Impaired is surrounded by those with a low moral code, or those who turn a blind eye, and allowed secrecy, the Conscience Impaired will wreck havoc. There is no cure for these forms of Conscience Impairment, only management.

Unfortunately, the Conscience Impaired make the cover up of their disability a full time job, and few are aware of their condition. They crave secrecy. Usually by the time you figure come to understand them, you’ve been literally raped robbed, or even murdered. The Conscience Impaired feel no remorse or guilt. They may be upset or ashamed when discovered but they have no remorse for hurting others. Others often mistake no conscience with a clear conscience. Because they appear the same. The Conscience Impaired interact confidently and sweetly, and are even charming. There is no way to read them. They can lie without any flinching.

The Conscience Impaired depend on secrecy or “privacy” to get away with cruelty. They are severely secretive as it is necessary to maintain dual realities. The Conscience Impaired will only commit cruelty if allowed secrecy. They only act out when they can get away with it.

While most people advise running from the Conscience Impaired, it’s not always possible. By the time you figure out they have no conscience, it’s too late. The family of the Conscience Impaired makes the difference of how honest, and fulfilling the life of the Conscience Impaired can be. The family is strategically best suited for managing the individual with Conscience Impairment.

Their are four kinds of Families of Abusers in times of personal crisis I would like to look at. Yes there are more varieties than these, but for the sake of my limited knowledge, I will focus on only these four. The individual members of the abusers family may fall in to separate categories creating a interesting Family Ensemble. If the abuser is Conscience Impaired, each family can make a huge difference. Because most of the Conscience Impaired are not caught by the Civil Justice System, the family is the last line of defense.

A. The Actively Involved Family. The Actively Involved Family (AIF) participates in many aspects of each members life. Beyond birthdays and special occasions. They talk several days a week to each member and know what is happening in each others lives. They are nosey and may be very annoying. This family is actively involved in helping each other through the regular adversities and joys of life. The potential for hidden abuse is lessened but not completely eliminated in this family. The AIF may not be nice, or beautiful, charming or tactful. They may even be a bit mean, but they do have an idea what is happening in the family and just knowing that the family of a potential abuser knows what is going on eliminates secrecy, and can be one of many deterrents of more severe abuse.

B. The Passive Family with Integrity (PFwI). The PFwI are not involved enough to deter serious or fatal abuse and personal crisis, but when confronted with the reality of their family members abuses and crimes, the PFwI take the time to learn the truth, then stand up for the truth and their daughter-in-law or sister-in-law. The PFwI will tell the abuser they need help, encourage the abuser to repair and pay for their crimes, attend anger management and church, go to prison, and seek protection for the abused and even provide aid to the abused wife themselves if necessary.

While abuse can and does happen in this family, as with the Mark Hacking family, the PFwI steps up to the plate to a swifter resolution of the crisis. The brothers of Mark Hacking confronted Mark to find out the truth. And though it took time, Mark Hacking provided the information to the police to find Lori Hacking’s body. Mark Hacking eventually plead guilty and the nation watched a “relatively” quick resolution. While Lori died, at least her family heard the truth in the end. The PFwI understand and believe in the process of personal repentance or reformation. The PFwI understands it is better for society and their brother or son to pay for their crimes now, and even possibly reform, than to smooth it over and let their brother eventually face God without any prior attempted resolution.

C. The Family of Solidarity (FoS). The FoS protect their own without regard to others. They have no idea what happening between the abusive husband and his wife. The FoS do not care what the truth is. They may take a superficial glance at what is happening in the abusive situation in order to tell themselves they know what is happening and justify the abuser. Abusers in this family do what they want without regard for the truth, then manipulate the truth to justify themselves. If their families are ignorant enough, the perpetrators don't even need a portion of the truth, they can fabricate complete lies to justify their brutality without question from their families. If the abused wife turns to them for help, they will defend their brother/son to the bitter end. The FoS will mock, belittle, reprimand and simply be annoyed by the abused wife’s cries for help. They believe they are strong by standing up for the abuser to the point of blind ignorance. They may consider the abused wife’s cries for help as mere slander, and defend their “Family Name”. Some may consider ignoring the wife’s cries for help as righteous because they are above listening to such filth or participating in ugly squabbling.

The Scott Peterson family is a prime example. They believed in their son/brother to the bitter end. The Peterson families denial of reality perpetuated the crisis for years as the nation watched the trial of Lacy Peterson's murderer run on and on.

These families live without loyalty to principles of a true code of honor to a higher law, but to the law of self. They follow the false principle of “If you want to do it, feel compelled to do it, than it must be right.” This is a terrible principle to teach the Conscience Impaired. Everyone feels compelled to do things that are wrong at times. If we fail to recognize that they are wrong, we need those around us to correct the Conscience Impaired.


D. Last but certainly not least, we have the Manson Family Values, (MFV). The MFV doesn’t care about why or if, but will even help justify murder of the abused wife and even provide a sock to shut up her annoying cries of help, and hand the husband a shovel. They follow the three S’s, “Shoot, Shovel, and Shut up.”

But the good news is. Despite how overwhelming it feels during the crisis of abuse, there is a God. When the Laws of Men fail, and families fail, the Universe has laws of physics and truth and justice that cannot be denied. Each of these families will eventually get their true reward by acts of God. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This law of physics applies to all aspects of the Universe. Where and when justice is denied by man, sit back and watch. It may take time, and insane patience but the Justice of the Universe can be quite eloquent. And if you let the Universe provide it, rather than taking things in your own hands, the punishment is better that what you could ever come up with, and your hands are clean of any crime. If you want to, God is still the God of the Old Testament, and you can even give suggestions. God has declared, “Vengeance is mine”. When God executes justice, He makes sure it’s done right.

Another resource for managing the Conscience Impaired, is church. Yes Church. Many people are shocked and horrified when they find out Brother Jim rapes little boys. How could a man so sweet, so faithful, so doctrinally intelligent be so bad. The church must be false.

Organized religion provides a great place for the Conscience Impaired to learn “correct” behavior. The Conscience Impaired has a need to fit in. And Organized Religion provides a way for the Conscience Impaired to learn every moral code to fit it. The Conscience Impaired are attracted to church, because most people who attend are trusting and loving and earnestly seeking good, and it lends them respectability. They would never know what is lurking behind the Conscience Impaired charming smile.

While it seems sick, Church provides a list or right and wrong, social training, sometimes a small degree of monitoring. The Conscience Impaired’s ultimate goal is fitting in and hiding their lack of conscience. As long as the Conscience Impaired is kept focused on fitting in, in a public environment they can be kept in line (at least a little).

However, the serious drawback to the church going Conscience Impaired is too many innocent willing victims. Active church attenders need to use common sense. They need to avoid the pitfalls of assuming righteousness by appearance, and follow basic rules of personal and family safety. Regular church attendance by someone else is no excuse to soften the rules you live by that protect you. The Conscience Impaired need to attend church, if we follow personal safety guidelines taught in Elementary school, with everyone, it’s not a problem.

And always remember sisters, if you see Brother Bundy with a broken leg, trying to get his groceries into his VW Bug in a dark secluded section of the parking lot, call a Brother from church to help him out, don't help him yourself.

Internal Control vs. External Control

Okay, I know you may think it’s a stretch to relate this to domestic violence...

But, this illustrates how someone or something physically powerful and openly in control and dominating can be deceived into believing someone small in comparison can have power over them.

Once one believes others can control them, they develop an irrational idea of how they are being controlled.

The abuser generally believes that every desire of the abused is to control him.

For the abuser to  belief that someone else is trying to control him can be insanely unrealistic.

Some abusers take it to such an extreme that they believing the other must be wiped out in order for them to attain free will.

Let’s take one obvious target of Universal Rhetoric of Hate are the Muslims vs. Jews to illustrate this point.

The Jewish, Israeli/Islamic conflict is a great example of provocations leading  to violence and hate.

In the Islamic culture, it is sometimes believed that  others can control them, and this idea limit their free will debilitates the individual.

There are 25 million hits sites on the web  mistakenly believing  the Jews are covertly taking over the world for Jewish control.

Hitler’s notorious Mein Kampf is filled with meandering, run on sentences explaining just how the Jews are secretly trying to control the world, and the necessity to wipe out the Jews.

Today there are many sources of Anti-Semite propaganda.

Iran’s Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently declared,

“Anybody who recognizes Israel will burn in the fire of the Islamic nation's fury”

“As the Imam said, Israel must be wiped off the map.”

“The fighting in Palestine is a war between the (whole) Islamic nation and the world of arrogance, ... Today, Palestinians are representing the Islamic nation against arrogance.”

We hear from the Islamic world that Jews are secretly trying to take over the world.

And yet openly who is in control?

I am not an expert on the Islamic-Jewish/Israeli conflict, but here are a few simple facts.

Pop of Iran: 72,000,000

Pop of Israel: 6,500,000

Iran has 11 times the number of people under their control.

Area of Iran 1,600,000 sq. km

Area of Israel 20,330 sq. km

Iran has 80 times the land mass under their control.

Number of Nations openly under Islamic control: 50

Number of Nations openly under Jewish control: 1

Area of Land mass openly under Islamic control: 29,000,000 sq. km

Area of Land mass openly under Jewish control: 20,330 sq. km

Islamic countries control 1300 times the amount of land mass over the Jews.

Worldwide Muslim population, 1,600 million

Worldwide Jewish population 13 million

There are 123 times more Muslims than Jews in the world.

And yet you can find many sites explaining the threat of Jews trying to covertly control the World.

Many Muslims are taught when small that Jews are the cause of all their hardships and therefore need to be wiped off the face of the earth in order for Islam to flourish.

If the Islamic Nations want to be truly powerful,

they would show this generosity as it is the ultimate sign of power,

Why can’t the Islamic nations allow the tiny Jewish population to exist?

Why can’t the great Islamic nations allow tiny Israel to exist, I ask again?

Underneath their power, they are afraid to be generous?

Abusive relationships experience the same phenomenon.

Abusive husbands in this situation must dominate every aspect of their wife.

And the is afraid even the slightest sign of strength or independence of the wife, claims she is breathing for the sole purpose of controlling him.

He must demand absolute domination to the point of erasing her personal identity.  He is choosing security over a healthy happy relationship.  If left unchecked, this can lead to the elimination of the wives identity.  Just as the conflict between the Muslims and the Jews could lead to the eradication of the Jews as a whole.

The Universal Rhetoric of Hate, works in the Macro and Micro social systems and is based on fear.  Fear of the God given agency every human being is given.

It is interesting to ot that  within the Islamic Nation the fear of even the beauty of women is so great, women must be veiled.

External Control is less efficient and more harmful than  Internal Control.

Industrious accomplishments thrive in the small nation of Israel.

This strength is due in part by being forced to survive and hold on to their identity with such fierce opposition. prosperous farms in such an arid nation.

Israel as a prosperous country is a great example of inner control. They amaze me.

Why Abusers Abuse

The Universal Rhetoric of Hate Applied to Marriage

Here is an example of how the false belief system of Hate logic, is applied the heart of a husband to provoke him to anger against his wife.

The source of these ideas are the words of abusers.  Individual Abusers will not necessarily believe all of these statements, but will believe many of them. These come from statements abusers make to the abused and to the children.

These statements and beliefs are parallel to openly declared beliefs demonstrated in hate propaganda, such as The Hutu Ten Commandments,  Mein Kampf, "The Jews and their Lies", Black Liberation Theology.  You can substitute "Your wife" for Jew, Whitey, Blacky, Serb, Tutsi, Crip, or Blood.

I endured many of these accusations for years.  It was not until my Daughter came home from court ordered visitation from Dad's and declared that Dad says, "When mommy does good, it's because she has bad purposes.  Mom's heart is bad, and she can't do good.  A good fruit cannot come from a bad tree." That I was provoked to write these out.

The Hutu of Rwanda declared the same of the Tutsi and added the barbaric phrase, "Cut the trees down."

I would not believe that anyone could say or believe these things unless I heard them myself, and read them in hate media. I used to be the ultimate submissive wife, turning the other cheek, believing 'If I could just prove my sincerity to him."  Refusing to revile against the reviler.   But this Hate rhetoric effectively immunizes the abuser/hater against gentle loving responses taught by the Savior.

In my ignorance, for years I believed that this behavior was unique to my husband.  That no one in the world could understand what I was going through.  That I was alone.  Since then, I've spoken to many women who've experienced the same destructive belief system.  DV books explained it.  And then of course I came across a tiny tidbit of race hate propaganda,  and my eyes were opened to the pervasive nature of the script.

This rhetoric goes against the most basic principles of the Universal Rhetoric of Love taught by many faiths.  A child raised up understanding their true power of free will cannot be seduced by this hateful rhetoric.

The abuser believes that the abused can and does exercises power over them.  Power that must be overcome.

This belief system is saturated in every hate propaganda known to man. For centuries this belief system has filled the earth with violence and hate.

In Domestic Violence, just as in ethnocentric hate, the abuser creates a false reality of who his companion is.   Instead of focusing on purifying his own intentions. actions, and consequences, he focuses on his false beliefs of her intentions. He believes he can read her mind and determine the corrupt intentions of her kind acts.   Because in his mind, she is of course, "acting" anyway.   He can then go after her without any remorse or shame.  And feel a sense of vindication and rejoice in his actions.

This perverse belief system itself provokes the abuser to hatred without any wrong doing on the part of the abused. 

The conversion of a man or woman from the dominant feelings of love and affection, to the URH may be gradual.

These are not assumed beliefs, but boldly declared beliefs of abusers.

The first statement is a false premise that must exist in order for the following to be believed, and not a statement openly declared.

• You have no Personal Power or Free Will.
• Your wife is trying to control you.
• Your wife may seek power over your thoughts words, actions, identity and life.
• Controlling you is the sole purpose of all the thoughts words and actions of your wife.
• Your wife has various methods of controlling you.
• Your wife is inferior.
• All action and or status that is detrimental to yourself or you done by your wife is intentional to fulfill the purpose of controlling.
• All actions that seem kind, good, or affectionate, are ways in which your wife seduces, weakens and controls you.
• All sex, intimacy and reproduction is used by your wife for the sole purpose of controlling you, seducing you, overcoming you.
• Your wife wants to have children just to control you, and trap you.
• Your wife's religious faith is false, her pretended beliefs for the sole purpose of controlling you.
• Any "sacrifice" your wife made for you was just to ingratiate you into her control.  It is evidence of her extreme perverse desire for domination and control.
• Any condition that exists that is undesirable or detrimental to you, is the result of the intentional actions of your wife.
• Because all pretended good and actions by your wife is of evil manipulative intent, your wife is not worthy of gratitude, kindness or mercy.
• All obvious attempts to withstand you and your teachings by your wife, is an attempt to control you.
• Your wife must be eliminated or subjugated in order for you or you to have Free Will.
• Every organization, thought, home, belief, institution, faith and work of your wife must be eliminated or you will be controlled.
• Any kindness, gratitude, concessions, mercy or aid given to your wife enables your wife to fulfill her controlling purpose.
• Anyone who sympathizes with your wife is a Puppet of your wife.
• God is against your wife.
• Your wife is ruled by the Devil
• All actions against your wife are Justified
• Peace talk is just to sedate you while your wife controls you.
• Any appeal to authorities for aid by your wife, is just to control you and blackmail you into her control.

Once these beliefs are secured in the heart of the husband, he feels betrayed, hurt, and anger.   All trust and love is eliminated from his heart.

His wife is left without any means of proving her love and loyalty for him.  She has no means of redemption.

He will act out in violence, legal, and illegal against her.  He will justify and escalate sexual abuse, because he believes she's using sex to control him.

His hostile actions will eventually force her to take action to defend herself.  Yet, any attempt on her part to verbally, legally, physically defend herself is seen as evidence of her corrupt nature.

Now, every condition that exists in their marriage, good or evil, is proof of her corruption.

The husband will look back on their years and experiences together, remembering each sweet moment and "realize" that all those seemingly kind actions really had evil intent.

Every tender memory will be rewritten with corrupt intent.

She is usually left confused, heartbroken, and helplessly endlessly, futilely trying to prove herself to him.  By the time she finally stands up to him, standing up to him will bring her own personal crucifixion.

Every kind act on her part will provoke him.

Every word she speaks will provoke him.

Every glance will provoke him.

He will feel strong, just, righteous, and proud for any and all cruel actions he takes against her.

He is able to write her off completely as a human being.

He is filled with every emotion and belief the Devil himself delights in.

He can take her every emotion, action and being and write IT off.

All her hopes, dreams, love, sacrifices, fidelity, hardships, identity, tender memories, are violently raped from her.

No matter what he does to her, he can sleep peacefully at night with a justified conscience.

He will then sit the children down, and teach the children about the true motives of their mother.

There is no more thorough rape of a soul than this.

If indeed Lucifer exists.  These are his most precious teachings.

In stark contrast, the belief system taught by Jesus Christ and Peacable Teachers lead to

• Love
• Faith
• Redemption
• Hope
• Unity
• Fidelity in Marriage
• Tenderness
• Forgiveness
• Compassion
• Mercy
• Personal Accountability
• Awareness of ones free will
• Personal Strength
• A focus on the intentions of ones own heart and mind
• A desire to reach out and lift those who fail.
  

Children of Abuse

Two years ago, in the fall of 2006 I suffered a complete mental breakdown. I laid in bed for weeks crying. I got up to take care of my children, sent them to school, fell back down and cried.

It was one of those moments in time where all the horrible events of ones life converge into a single painful climax.

My daughter, then 4 years old was diagnosed with low functioning Autism. It was a sick reminder to me of the abuse I had suffered before, during and after my pregnancy with her. I tolerated abuse, and my children suffered for it.

I had warned my husband Mathew, in March of 2001 of the risk of birth defects due to my medication. He ignored me, refused to allow protection, and raped me. I once again forgave him silently and went on as usual, trying to make the best of things. On September 14, 2001, while I was six months pregnant, Mathew told me he was angry that I was pregnant. That he was leaving me as soon as the baby was born. Mathew told me I was to fat, and had to loose weight. Mathew told said he saw our pregnancy as just a manipulation to trap him into marriage. This was our fourth child!

I did not remind Mathew that if we were very very lucky, our child would only have learning disabilities. Mathew had come to believe that when I was kind, when I turned the other cheek, when I did what he asked, I was simply manipulating him. Everything was control and manipulation to him.

I was a afraid that if I told him about our child's disabilities, he would reject her. He would tell me that it was just another manipulation made up to trap him. If she only suffered from learning disabilities, it would be best for him not to know, until after he fell in love with her. I did not want my daughter to suffer from being rejected by her father. Every little girl, even those with fathers in prison, needs to believe, even if it’s just an illusion, every little girl needs to believe her father loves her.

He stayed until her birth, mentally abused me until I could barely function, rejected her, then left. But in court he pretended to have a relationship with her, and sought custody of her with the other children. That was my fault though.

Just before our daughter turned 2,  I was under the false impression that the Statute of Limitations in California where the rape took place, was coming up. It was a difficult decision, but I wanted peace so badly, I wanted my husband to repent and fix our family. I could not bear the thought of pressing charges. I took the evidence of the rape, placed them away in a drawer. I wrote a long letter to Mathew’s family explaining the rape and the events and gently as I could and sent it to the family members.

Mathew’s oldest brother, one I though I respected, told me he would not read the letter, and sent it off to his other brother, who is known for his cruelty, sarcasm and mean spirit. His other brother of course sent me a scathing mocking email.

By the time the reply came to me it was too late. I had to live with the decision I made.

But now, in the fall of 2006, years after putting it all behind me, it all came back. The real consequences of the abuse. I came across a study correlating trauma during pregnancy to Autism. Apparently the stress hormones aren’t too good for developing babies, and doubles the rate of Autism. Imagine that. Unborn babies do suffer when their mother suffers.

My daughter was diagnosed and...

I also discovered that I was wrong about the statute of limitations for spousal rape in California.

California passed a bill, extending the statute of limitations for spousal rape to 6 years.

Suddenly, a decision I put away so I could live as a sane woman, was dumped on my lap with a sick overwhelming force. Once again, I had to decide once again.

If He doesn’t listen to you when you are Vertical, He will not listen to you when you are Horizontal.

In the year after the No-Contact order expired and his probation ended, things were touchy.   I felt very nervous and uptight around him.   While he seemed he wanted to be friendly, then unfriendly at moments, I had finally made it to the anger stage.  An anger that took years of silenced abuse to create.  The consequences of rape were the hardest for me to temper myself over. I had to be careful around him and speaking to him, not just for my fear of him, but fear of myself.

Anyway, my son wanted to invite him to his arrow of light cub scout pack meeting.  I took a deep breath, and sent the invite text.   His father chose to come.

It was an evening of difficult self control.   He and our children sat around one of the round tables to eat the desert, and the children chatted.

I look at my children sitting around the table, took a deep breath and forced myself to eat dessert.

As we politely chatted, the subject of D's cruel first grade teacher Mrs Haynes came up.  Okay that's a huge story that leads in countless painful directions.   I took a deep breath,  self control.   It was either my son or his father that mentioned Mrs Haynes as his "second" grade teacher.

Now as the mother who biked her son to school every morning,  and attended every parent teacher conference, called the school and teacher frequently when issues came up, I couldn't help myself.

"Mrs Haynes was his first grade teacher."  I said, knowing it would be rude to correct.

Looking at me with a commanding air, "No Mrs. Haynes was his second grade teacher."  His father said.

Something inside of me said to not let him "put me in my ignorant place" and disregard my experience.

"Have confidence in yourself and your experience"  a little voice inside me said.

"Um, no, Mrs Haynes was his first grade teacher"  I said again.

With bold punishing commanding his father said, "No Mrs. Haynes was his second grade teacher."

He had a habit of putting down every statement I made.  Here I was the one who would have known.

I looked away and sat silent for a bit.

The "friendly" chat went on.

I told myself it ignore it and go on.  Of course the thought to pull out his report card tempted me.   But I told myself to let it go.   And I tried to let it go.

A few days latter, I as I was cleaning out my sons room, and sorting through his K'nex box, a thin yellow folded paper fell out.

Okay, prior to this I had gathered all his report cards together, but some pages were missing.

Now, at that moment, I unfolded the missing yellow paper.

My son's First Grade Report Card, signed "Mrs. Haynes."

"Natalie, trust yourself, have confidence.   Know that I am God.   Know, I know the truth.  Do not let him discount you.   The truth will always be there for you.  Stand up for it."

Even when I tried to ignore the truth for the sake of peace, here the truth was jumping out again at me, refusing to be silent.

Truth has a voice of it's own.   The more you ignore it the bolder it shouts.

So, that was the vertical experience.  One of countess experiences of him discounting my view.

Another vertical experience.

I came home from the doctors office in March of 2001, after an immunization and a 1 month prescription.

Two of the ten grandchildren on his side, had serious birth defects.

One was born with a cleft pallet that required surgery.

Another was born with a hole in his heart, his diaphragm his heart started to fall through, all his digestive organs outside his belly in a sack,  3 rare syndromes, mental retardation, deafness, um, and the painful list goes on.  And I do not know the count surgeries this poor child suffered through.

I can not count the number of painful, tear filled phone calls from the child's mother I tried to be strong for.

Also, I had introduced my husband to Ricky Hall.  A 30 year old man, withered in his bed watching Disney movies.  He was born healthy, but his doctor made a mistake with a common prescription for a common childhood illness when he was 9 months old.  I remember as a child seeing him in a wheelchair in his mother's kitchen, his head hanging, his mouth hanging open drooling, hearing strange grunts.  He never walked or talked.  I remember seeing his parents care for him tenderly for over 30 years.

Yes, I've always been terrified of even prescription drugs.   For good reason.

And at the time, I needed surgery, but I hadn't the courage to speak to my husband about it yet.  I was afraid of how it would inconvenience him.   But I knew that without it any future pregnancies would be a risk for me and my child.

So back to the Vertical Experience.  Standing up, I told my husband when I returned from the doctors office, that "Considering the cocktail of drugs in my system, if I get pregnant this month, our child will have two heads."

He just walked away from me while I was talking to him.

Hurt at his lack of interest in me, I dealt with it.

I knew how to tell when I was ovulating.   We had plenty of condoms in my undie drawer next to the bed.   We would just have to be extra careful in case the meds hid the symptoms of ovulation.

Now the horizontal experience, told here with great um, well, told there.   In summary I told him I was ovulating twice, he was on top, he was stronger, and told me I was wrong.

After the trauma, I tried to deal, I was used to him discounting me, but this was too much.    I tried to forgive him and go on.

Each morning I opened that drawer to change, I saw them, talking condoms.  "you are going to have a disabled child!", "Your husband never listens to you."  "Your husband raped you and the child will pay the price."

By the second trimester, I took those talking condoms and gave them to a transient homeless couple on the street.

I tried to bury his crime.   Little did I know then, how much the truth screams to be told, to testify of itself.

Just as the Lord dropped the little yellow slip of paper into my lap, as evidence, I would be shocked by the countless was the Lord would drop the greater truth into my lap.

Until I finally came to the realization that trying to be silent would kill me physically,  spiritually, and emotionally.

If He doesn’t listen to you when you are Vertical, He will not listen to you when you are Horizontal.

Irrational Motivation to Hate

What is the core belief of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

The following are the lies told to convince you to hate the innocent.

What is the blueprint of lies used in Hate logic?

1. Others have power of us, we have no free will.
2. All the actions of the other spouse/individual/group/race are for the soul purpose of ruling/controlling/destroying you.
3. You must do everything possible to resist covert methods such as seduction to control you and overt methods such as fighting you to control you.

What are the destructive, resulting, beliefs of the core lies of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

1. Because all acts of kindness are simply methods to seduce you and lull you into ignorant submission, you may

1. Retaliate against kindness.
2. Take advantage of kindness without guilt.
3. Feel no gratitude.
4. No reciprocation of kindness is morally required.
5. Hate them for their attempt to seduce.

2. Because you believe they use sex to control you, you can use fire against fire, and feel no guilt or or shame in inflicting sexual shame or harm upon them.

3. Because of the evil intentions of the other group/individual, you make take preemptive measures to destroy them.

4. All violence against the group can be committed without shame.

5. Kindness must be punished.

6. All memories of previous kindness were really attempts on their part to seduce you into submission.

Believing in the Universal Rhetoric of Hate turns you as an individual into a functional sociopath.

These principles lead the believer of this rhetoric to the following emotions.

1. Hate
2. Fear
3. Anger
4. Malice
5. Pride
6. Scorn
7. Betrayal

What are the Core fallacies of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate?

1. You cannot read the mind of others. In even attempting to interpret the actions of others, we can only apply our own motivations and intentions.
2. People cannot control you. All true control comes from within.

What are the Consequences to the targets of this Hate Rhetoric?

1. Spousal Rape.
2. Domestic Violence.
3. Gang/Tribal Warfare.
4. War.
5. Genocide/ Holocausts.

Because of the circular logic of the Universal Rhetoric of Hate, all actions, kind, neutral, and unkind provoke the believer into thinking they may morally commit all manner of abuses against the target of hate..

The believer in the Universal Rhetoric of hate needs no proof, and the subject of irrational hate is left with no means of redemption. All efforts to kindly prove fidelity merely prove manipulation, and all efforts of self defense prove manipulation.

Redirecting Guilt

While hurtful, I’ve always found this behavior fascinating because it’s completely out of my realm of prior understanding of human relationships.

This Event Model has repeated itself for years in abusive relationships in small conflicts, and major conflicts.

1. Abuser, being a normal human, makes a mistake.
2. Partner deals with it, is nice, just looks past the problem and forgives.
3. Abuser, being an Abuser, finds a reason to get angry with Partner and lashes out at him/her.

An explanations for this can be found in different behavior models. But which, if any accurately explain it?

In the Power Over Model, the abuser has lost power, and must regain it by belittling the Partner.

In the Agency and Accountability Model, the Abuser has not yet achieved a personal sense of his agency and personal accountability for his thoughts, emotions, words and actions. He doesn’t have a sense of how his feelings of guilt are his own. He doesn’t understand how he caused the negative emotions within himself, and must redirect the feelings of guilt to the person he believes has power over his emotions.

In simple terms, every time an abuser makes a mistake, he covers it up with one of hers. If she did not make a mistake, he will make one up.

This behavior is common among most abusers.

Situation 1
Many women tell of their husbands coming home after an unfaithful incident, and tear into their wife, telling her how it’s her fault he messed up. The unfaithful husband lectures the wife on how she can become the woman he won’t cheat on.

Situation 2
Even in a small conflict, he Abuser has redirected any negative emotions about his/her mistake to the Partner.

The Abuser has anger and guilt that has to be redirected elsewhere.

Women who live with this for an extended period of time eventually learn to downgrade every mistake the abuser makes, knowing that the anger she receives will be related to the degree of guilt he feels.

PTSD Treatment

I’ve read a lot of posts from women suffering rape related PTSD. Many of these women have sought and received treatment for years from professionals for RR-PTSD, and still suffer every night when they try to sleep.

Medications, therapies, etc.

I’ve found temp solutions to the flashbacks and nightmares that work for me.

As I understand it, the flashbacks and nightmares represent an unsolved dilemma for the sufferer.

They represent a situation in which the sufferer felt powerless and emotionally, physically, and spiritually unable to solve the dilemma in the moment, with devastating consequences to themselves and others.

Like a song stuck in your head that won’t go away until you finish it. Sometimes my kids try to interrupt me when I sing a song, but I refuse to answer them until I finish it, cuz it’ll kill me if I don’t.

Or like a math problem that was never solved.

Imagine watching a movie that ends before the dilemma is resolved. I think we’d all hunt down the directors and writers!

My parents used to send me to bed on time, before the movies and tv shows resolved, ooh, that was torture!

You can drug someone all you want, but until the problem is solved, the flashbacks and nightmares will come back.

So for me, my solution was to look at the flashback as a problem to be solved, a story to be finished.

I asked myself,

“How can I prevent the same situation from happening again?”

“What could I do in the same situation in the future?”

“What can I do now to empower myself given the same situation?”

So I did the JLo “Enough” thing.

I took private martial arts lessons. I told the teacher the size and strengths of the man. I said I wanted to learn grappling. How to get out of wrist holds etc. How to deal with a man who is bigger, stronger and can run faster. He even brought in a woman for me to grapple with cuz he knew I’d freak grappling with a man.

I worked out my upper body. I now have biceps.

I change my environment to prevent any potential situation.

I educated myself on emotional abuse.

I strengthened myself emotionally so that he couldn’t verbally manipulate me into the same situation.

I prayed for protection and got it.

I embraced the Protection order and No contact order.

The last nightmare I had got his ass kicked.

For the triggers, I found happy places, gardening, flowers, yoga, zumba, friends, things to laugh at. Ways to redirect my thoughts.

But since I can’t go back in time to change the past, I can change the future. I can also help others change and overcome the same problem.

I accept that part of the pain will never go away. I don’t think that’s such a bad thing. The remaining pain serves as a motivator to make a difference in the lives of others.

A part of me is afraid that if I let the last of the pain leave, I’ll grow soft and forget, and loose my mojo for helping others.

Pain is a motive for change and improvement.

Pain can be a good thing.

Addressing the acquired guilt of the situation?

Accepting that we are not responsible for the thoughts, words and actions of others.

Accepting that we did the best given what we knew at the time.

Recognizing that the solutions we understand now were not present in our inexperienced minds during the events.

When I see others solving the same challenges in the same flawed way, I say

“Hey I used to have that very same problem and tried to solve it in the very same way. But I couldn’t fix it until I did this instead. You might want to try it.”

And so any personal guilt is resolved in helping others through the same conflict.

Abuse, Work Hard, not Smart

I will forever marvel at the man who gathers his children warmly about himself, gives them tender kisses and words of love, then turns to the mother of his children, and gives her spite, cruelty , degrading words, and carries within himself the illusion that he is a good, loving righteous father.

These sights remind me of a couple I once knew. They loved their little boy dearly. The dotted on him as though he were the very son of God. As they both worked full time, the couple employed a nanny. Many times I was shocked by how degrading their manner was toward their nanny. Didn't they understand when their backs were turned, the nanny was the one in care of their child. A child receives their happiness or sorrow from their primary care giver.

If a father loves his children and has the slightest clue as to human nature and physics he should demonstrate the utmost kindness to his children's mother, and lift her up. In order for the mother of his children to provide a caring, nurturing environment for her children, she needs to be emotionally and physically strong.

Every time, he digs at their mother, tearing her down, he is destroying his children's world. So many mothers have to strengthen their hearts, bind them up, and turn to their children, and as an demonstration of love to them, refuse to pass on the abuse to the children.

Don't these men understand that you can't abuse a woman without abusing her children. Emotionally or physically. It's just another way of burning down the home your children are sleeping in.

One of the hardest things I've had to deal with, is having my husband beat the living crap out of my soul, to stand up afterward, wrap up my ravaged heart, and lovingly care for my children despite everything that just happened to me.

I felt like I had to be an impenetrable fortress for my children. Sometimes it was so hard as he always knew the most painful hurtful things he could do or say, and he was completely willing to say or do anything, even when I wasn't willing to retaliate.

The hardest part as a mother of feeling your soul break down, is knowing your soul needs to be strong for your children. Knowing you have less to give to them.

Motherhood is one of life's most challenging tasks and mothers need all the strength they can get.

If a man wants to build up his children, he must also build up the mother of his children. Otherwise, he may work hard, but not smart. He working against himself.

Father's need to remember to honor the mother of their children, they need it.

When can you accept an abusive husband back into your home?

This essay is for the many women who still love abusive men despite everything they do to you. 

If he's really willing to overcome it, and you are willing to stand up to him, and he takes it, maybe. 

Remember Jacob worked 7 years for Rachel, actually 14, you deserve the same. 

Honey, if you want him back, and you want the happiness you deserve, stand up to him. Be strong. Make him face reality. 

If he can't take it, all his charm is meaningless and self deception. 

If he runs away when you stand up to him, it simply means he was just going to hurt you again anyway. 

Realizing they may leave you, can be the hardest part of standing up to someone you love. 

Maybe his return can be considered if; 

A. He has a family who will stand up to him and kick his hiney. 

B. He admits to everything, 

C. He attends extended counseling with a counselor who knows the truth. 

D. Respects your hurt, and validates it, and works to repair it. 

E. Serves his time and pays his debt to society if necessary.

F. You can stand up to him, maintain your own identity, and he respects you. 

G. You can tell him no without him flying into a rage. 

H. You must be separated for at least a 6 months, a year is better. 

I. He tells the people he's lied to the truth. 

J. He has to respect your faith. 

Then you can consider it. After abuse has entered a relationship, it's pretty challenging to eradicate. Because of the personal risk involved, you have to be emotionally strong enough to demand all of this. 

He has to change and come to understand how amazing you are. 

You have to change and realize how valuable you are, and be strong enough to demand the respect you deserve. 

Once you realized how amazing you are, it becomes more difficult to impress you. 

Unfortunately so many women love their husband so much. They desperately want to see their family together in peace. 

They quickly forget how abuse is passed on to the children. How vulnerable they are. 

They forget so quickly how their husband loved how helpless she was against him. It's so easy and tempting to just take the man back, and forget everything as though it never happened. 

After years of emotional and personal investment of nurturing, it seems impossible to give up for some women. 

For some women, walking away from the relationship can hurt as much as the relationship itself. It can leave such a huge void in her soul. Every woman I have met who has allowed him to return prematurely, has suffered immeasurably. 

But they don't care, they just settle for the illusion of a family. One friend was beaten until she couldn't get up again when her baby was only 5 weeks old. She was helpless for several days. Within a week she took him back. Too many stories to list. 

Sisters, remember that the Almighty God loves you. 

He doesn't want you to suffer. 

Your feelings are valid, and of worth to God. God does not expect you to stay, or risk your own emotional well being for another. 

 Recovery from an abusive marriage can take as long as the marriage itself.

What is Spousal Rape?

She lays for a moment, confused about what just happened. He rolls over and gives one last sigh, lays firmly on his back, closes his eyes and falls asleep.

She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath for a moment. She sits up and slowly walks into the bathroom.

What just happened? What should she do? She knows she's not supposed to take a shower. Every woman knows that. Don't take a shower. But it will feel so comforting. What difference does taking a shower make anyway? They are married. What's the point of a kit.

She thinks for a moment, should she go to the doctor to get that pill. She can shower while she decides.

When a woman is in control of her life, of her surroundings, she takes a bath. But this is one of those occasions, a shower is the only option. The thought of the warm soothing water running over her, leads her to turn on the water, undress, and step in.

One last time, before it's too late, "Don't take a shower. Go to the hospital. She hears in her head.

"But it wasn't rape, he is my husband. It's not like that."

Why didn't he listen? She told him earlier that month that the medication and immunization the doctor gave her could cause serious birth defects, that she didn't want to get pregnant at that time. She told him she was ovulating. She always told him when she was ovulating. She pushed him off twice and told him to use protection. He told her she didn't need protection. He told her she was not ovulating. He thought he knew better. He never did that before. He didn't know how the medication would affect the symptoms of ovulation. Why now? Why did he ignore her when it mattered the most?

She curses her weak little arms, and pledges to work out more. If only she could have strong enough to pushed him off more forcefully.

As the hot water runs over, her she stands as a million thoughts paralyze her. She stares at the soap scum on the shower door.

She thinks of her friend's little baby boy with birth defects. His funny shaped face and body. She thinks of all the care and love her friend gives her disabled boy, the work, the need for meticulous care of the child. Can she live up to that? She thinks of the family she knows caring for their adult son lying in bed watching Disney, who took medication the doctor claimed was safe when he was 9 months old. Is she capable of that kind of overwhelming care for up to 35 years?

What just happened? She doesn't mind the lack of power in her relationship with her husband. She doesn't need power. She just wants him to take better care at more informed decisions. She just wants him to consider her a little when he makes those decisions. "I guess he wants to be the one to decide when I'm ovulating?" She tells herself. But he doesn't know about all the other symptoms. I guess he's decided to be the one to determine my cycle.

He decides what she likes. He decides what she doesn't like. If she tries to tell him not to do something, he holds her wrists and does it anyway. She tells him what hurts, but he does it anyway, it's his favorite position. She grips the sheets in pain and waits it out. She wishes he wouldn't do that. She wishes he would listen.

What should she do now? If she goes to the emergency room to take that pill, what will they ask her? How does she explain to the doctor that he forced her, but it wasn't really rape? It wasn't like that.

She doesn't have any bruises. She's not bleeding. Don't rape victims have bruises? It's not rape.

Should she terminate the inevitable pregnancy? What will her baby suffer through? She didn't like the way her friend forced her disabled infant to live through so many invasive surgeries. Should she make the same choice?

Her religion teaches her that if she's raped or the baby has serious birth defects it's okay to terminate the pregnancy. But it wasn't really rape, it was her husband. And she doesn't really know if the baby will be okay or not.

She thinks of the surgery she needs to have. She knows she'll have to wait to take care of the surgery. Nine months plus an extra six months after the delivery. That's when she can have the surgery. Since she didn't have the surgery, both she and the baby will be at risk. Her teeth? The dentist can't do those procedures on pregnant women. She can't take care of that. It will have to wait. Her body, she wanted to physically prepare it for pregnancy first.

For merely half a second she considers that maybe she should go in to the ER. A gentle voice from within says, "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability."

She leans against the shower wall. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"

She closes her eyes. "What if it's a beautiful, loving, little girl with only a learning disability?"

Can she end that?

She decides can not to go in to take the pill.

How will she tell him? She knows she can't talk to him about what happened. She's used to waiting to talk to him about her concerns. She's been waiting for years. Will he accept a child with a disability? Will he get mad at her and somehow blame her for getting pregnant? She should have pushed him away a third time, but he was so strong. He would have been angry with her.

She feels sad for him. He's going to feel so bad when he realizes what he did. His actions brought disability to his own child.

She commits to never condemn him for what he did. She must forgive him. She thinks of them together 20 years later, taking care of a special needs adult, and commits, even then, Even after I m exhausted, I will not show or feel anger. I will forgive him.

At least the child will be born into a loving family. She tells herself.

She silently prays to God. She asks God to forgive her husband for what he did to her, and her child.

God's answer was bold and shocking.

"No."

Confused, she asks the Lord to forgive him again.

"No."

She can't comprehend the answer. It's too much for her mind to grasp.

"Natalie, your submission to your husband's abuse has brought harm to your child. It's not just a sin against you, it's a sin against your child, you don't have the right to ask me that."

She shakes off the thought and blocks it out. It is too much.

What she doesn't understand, is that pregnancy is one of the most dangerous times for battered women.

What she doesn't understand, is that she is a battered woman.

What she doesn't understand, is that she doesn't have a loving family.

Abusers need control over their partner. Pregnancy is a threat to that power and control.

Pregnancy increases the risk of domestic violence.

The woman will have to put her body first. She will have to prepare for someone other than him in her life. She will have to think about someone else. He will lose a measure of control over her.

But most of all, for 9 months and after, her body will not be completely his.

He will not be happy that she is pregnant.

He will not accept responsibility for his actions.

He will not be there to comfort and help her as her child lays in intensive care.

He will not be there to comfort and support them at night as she holds her child during a seizure.

He will not be there to provide love and comfort during medical procedures.

He will blame her.

He will punish her.

Her body, her mind, and her baby, and her other children are at risk.

Her nightmare is only beginning.

She turns off the shower, dries her body, puts on her pajamas, and climbs into bed.

She turns her head on her pillow and watches him breath.

When a man rapes a woman, he rapes her body.

When a husband rapes his wife, he rapes her soul.

A Meek answer Turneth away Wrath.

A meek answer turneth away wrath. A meek answer turneth away wrath. A meek answer turneth away wrath. These words rolled over and over again silently in my mind as I sat curled tightly and safely in a ball, shaking, the tears running down my cheeks. Why was he still yelling? I do everything, I work my butt off, and you do nothing! He screamed. I watched from the corner of my eye with my head tucked in, as he threw his prized laptop across the room. Bits, wires, plastic components bounced off the broken closet door and fell to the ground. The children were in the other room. Could our neighbors below hear him? I was scared they would call the police. I apologized to him. Knowing all the while, he wasn't really mad at me. He frequently took his anger to himself, out on me.

We had just returned from tithing settlement. We didn't pay a full tithe that year. We were $400 short. Tithing was the one bill he paid personally. He hated his job loading trucks. He put in 15-20 miserable hours a week providing for us. I knew it was a great sacrifice for him to take time away from his schooling to provide for us and was very careful with every penny. Since tithing is a sacrifice, I felt it was important for me to let him write the tithing check each month. On the way home from tithing settlement there was silence. I felt bad for him. I forgave him for not paying for our family faithfully. I didn't say a word. Then he asked, When was the last time you balanced the check book? Six months. It wasn't like there was anything to balance, we lived on 1.3k a month. My heart filled with fear as I realized he found a way to pin responsibility on me.

I continued shaking curled up on the bed, crying as he screamed. His voice was deep and threatening. He didn't stop. He went on, and on, and on. Why couldn't he see he was hurting me? Why didn't he stop?

I hoped if I submitted myself to him and apologized, he would feel bad for what he did. I believed his own conscience would work on him. The yelling lasted a long time. He didn't stop.

The next day I was still shaking. For three days I shook. The shaking just wouldn't stop. Something deep inside of me died. I loved him so much. He was my best friend, everything to me. I tried hard to please him. I wanted him to be happy. He seemed inclined to continual anger and spite.

The next day, I though he probably felt sorrow for his prior actions. As I sat at the computer, entering the data from our check book I wondered how remorseful he must have felt. It's hard to type when your hands are trembling. He came in the room. In a warm forgiving way, he sat down behind me in my chair. He put his arms around me as I typed.

He had benevolently forgiven me.

Later he related to his friends on how he felt sorrow for his temper. He told his friend he destroyed his precious laptop in a temper tantrum, and how he regretted the loss of his laptop.

Why is it some people cannot see they are hurting someone, and continue on to hurt? How is it they cannot see the pain in your eyes?

Sometimes, when someone is challenged and in pain themselves, they fail to see how much others are in pain and suffering. My husband was overwhelmed by his challenges, but had no clue how overwhelming my challenges as a mother were.

Some are moved by the unwillingness of others to fight back, some see it as a weakness.

Cry Baby Cry!

Her face turned bright red as she laid on my bed crying. My heart clenched up as I saw my little newborn girl wail. "Shshsh". I said softly, "Please don't cry." A quite fear tied me up inside as I tried to comfort her.

Many years prior, after our first child was born, he too cried. He cried loud and strong. When my little one was a couple of weeks old, I laid in bed and asked my husband to go pick up our new baby, and try to comfort him for me. I was so tired.

He tried and failed miserably. He told me, "I want to bash his head into the ceiling". I could see in his eyes that he meant it. He spent his childhood bashing gopher heads for a quarter each for the local farmer. I believed he meant it.

I never left him alone with our new baby after that. Our first baby cried continually. My heart clenched up every time with fear. My husband had a temper, and I always tried to keep everything around him perfect hoping to prevent an event.

But our son cried so much. I remember waking up to his cries, trying to comfort him. He cried when I picked him up. He cried when I put him down.

I felt like a failure as a mother. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong.

Friends, family, and books said I should let him cry it out. When I tried that, he would cry for two hours every night, several times a night.

I made sure my husband wore ear plugs every night. I remember laying there on my side watching him in silence while he slept and our son cried, always wondering, Is my husband going to lose it?

Sometimes, as I held my little one crying in the middle of the night, I cried too. I tried everything. Every time he cried, I was afraid of my husbands temper.

My husband could be fine one minute, and blow up the next. So when he looked like he was handling it fine, I felt no peace.

One day my husband sat me down at the table for a talk. He wanted to take our son somewhere and drop him off. Abandon him. A parking lot, a park, anywhere. I looked in his eyes, and I knew he wasn't kidding. He was dead serious.

I reassured him the best I could. I knew if I couldn't comfort and help our son, and keep him quiet, the consequences would eventually be horrible.

One evening as we drove home, our son, then two years old, sat crying in the back of our two door vehicle next to his infant brother.

Our older son cried and cried and refused to be comforted. I was so afraid. My husband pulled over into a parking lot. My heart stopped. I froze like an opossum.

Whenever he became angry, I always froze, hoping that if I did nothing else to make him angry, he would calm down after venting.

He pulled our son out of the car, and set him in the parking lot next to the car. He pushed our son away from the door of the car. He was barely two years old. My husband told our toddler that he was going to leave him their because he cried to much. I froze. I didn't know what to do. Nothing in my life seemed to prepare me for this.

What do I do? What do I do?

I believed if I sat very still and didn't make him mad, he would calm down and everything would be alright. I was always afraid of what would happened if I stood up to him. I was so afraid he would blow up.

Our second infant was strapped in the back of the two door vehicle. If I got out of the car to save my toddler, I wouldn't be able to get move my seat fast enough to get our infant out of the car.

If I stepped out of the car, he could leave with our infant. I never left him alone with the children. What would he do to our infant in his anger?

My toddler in the parking lot or my infant in the car.

He yelled at our little toddler. He told our son, if he didn't stop crying he would leave him there. He meant it. This was no idle threat.

My little boy cried louder and he looked so scared. Didn't my husband know what he was doing to him.

You can't stop a child from crying by threatening. He cried more.

I am ashamed. I froze. I just didn't know what to do. After these events we can look back and know what we should have done. At the time, my brain froze.

After about ten minutes, my husband calmed down, and put our son back into the car.

I never forgot it. He never apologized. He never showed any sense of remorse.

I came to understand that my children could feel my fear. That when I entered my son's room at night, he could see my fear.

I couldn't comfort him because he knew something was terribly wrong.

None of the how to get your baby to sleep at night books talk about it.

Babies can feel the fear of their parents.

One of the signs of an emotional abused wife, is inconsolable babies.

To comfort a crying baby, you have to be at peace first.

Realizing that, with each child, I learned to focus my heart, and choose to feel peace and love when caring for my children, no matter what was happening around me.

It worked, most the time.

After our second child was born, he cried, my husband looked at him angrily and said, "He's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

I bound up my heart, and gave nothing but peace and love to the child.

After our third child was born, she cried, my husband looked angrily and said, "She's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

I bound up my heart, and gave nothing but peace and love to the child.

After our fourth child was born, she cried, my husband look angrily and said, " She's going to be just like our first child."

I reassured him that even if that were so, we had learned. We now knew how to comfort such a child.

So back to the beginning of this story, I looked at my crying fourth child.

Events at that time in our family were too traumatic. I couldn't bind up my heart for her and comfort her. I looked at her in fear as she cried.

I remembered an old movie I saw and loved many years ago.

Quigly Down Under.

Crazy Cora. She was a wild woman. She was crazy. She was beautiful crazy. Why? She lived in a farm house of the old American frontier. A drunken Indian broke into her home while she was alone with her child. Crazy Cora hid in a closet with her baby.

"Hush baby, don't cry. Hush baby, don't cry." She tried to quiet her baby. But the baby kept crying. Finally she hushed the baby. She kept her baby quiet the only way she knew how. The drunken Indian left. Her baby was dead. She had smothered him. Cora went crazy after that.

Well, at the end of the movie, Crazy Cora was now in the wild Australian frontier with a beautiful aborigine baby. She was hiding in a cave at night with the little baby. Dingos circled the outside of the cave, while the baby started to cry.

"Hush baby, don't cry. Hush baby, don't cry." She tried to quiet the baby over and over again.

Then suddenly she snapped.

She pulled out the guns she had been left with and started shooting wildly in the air.

"Cry, baby Cry!" It was a beautiful moment. The dingos ran off.

Or something like that. It's been a decade since I saw the movie.

I looked down at my crying child. I tilted my head as I realized, I personally have no problem if she wants to cry. Her kindly grandpa was patient, he wouldn't mind or threaten. The other children didn't mind.

Her father had just left us.

It was alright. She could cry.

I picked her up smiling. "Cry, baby Cry." I said softly.

When I see little infants crying at church, or anywhere else, I smile. I ask if I can hold the child.

I love to see babies cry. It's alright if they want to cry. Take care of them. Love them. If something is wrong, fix it. But if they want to cry, it's alright. They can cry.

It's funny how if you let the baby cry, but you are at peace, and smile at your little one to comfort them peacefully.

They stop crying.

A troubled mother cannot comfort a stressed baby. A mother must first be comforted.

Domestic Violence and Ethnic Cleansing

Genesis 6:5 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually. And it repented the Lord that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him at his heart.

Proverbs 12 The words of the wicked are to lie in wait for blood: but the mouth of the upright shall deliver them. Deceit is in the heart of them that imagine evil. The wicked shall be filled with mischief. The heart of fools proclaimeth foolishness.


In April of 1994, I turned on the news. People in Rwanda, Africa were killing each other again. Whatever. I was so tired of hearing of how ethnic groups were killing other ethnic groups here and there through out the world. Bosnia, Somalia, other places I did not care enough any more to learn about or remember the names.

How stupid they are. I ignorantly thought. It was after that horrible event in Somalia when we sent in our troops to try to deliver food to the starving, and they were brutally murdered.

Is it worth the effort? I thought, as I changed the channel, to tired of such filth to care.

Fifteen years later, when I was trying to understand how the man I loved more than anything in the world was so easily converted to cruelty, I found myself looking back to the propaganda used to provoke those horrible events in Africa, Eastern Europe, and through history to understand the cruelty I found in my own sheltered, American home. I discovered things are not so simple.

I discovered a Universal Rhetoric of Hate, a Universal Logic, used to promote hate throughout the world. The same pattern of logic in that annoying primitive country, was used in my own home to justify cruelties.

I intimately became familiar with the ugly pattern that was once so unbelievable.

The pattern was so far off from my own upbringing, I could not comprehend it's existence. It seemed so comic book evil, and too absurd to believe people could listen to it.

But, all the great genocides, ethic cleansing , holocausts, rapes, gangs, murders, white supremacist, black supremacist, anti Jew groups, anti Islam groups, anti human groups, domestic abusers, subscribe to the same logic pattern of hate.

What is the pattern?

What is the flow of logic used to immunize an individual against love and compassion?

What is the logic used to convert seemingly normal individuals in to functional sociopaths?

What happens in an individual's that makes them vulnerable to this rhetoric?

What can be taught to immunize an individual against this powerful logic?

What can be taught to subscribers of this powerful hate rhetoric to bring peace to the earth?

What can I teach my children to prevent them from perpetuating the foundations of the Rhetoric of Hate?

Natalie Fleming June 8, 2009

The Rhetoric of Hate
The basis for the Universal Rhetoric of Hate is the illusion and fear of  loss of power to another group or individual.

Terms


Target Group or Target Individual (TGTI) Every member, of every age and gender of the Group is the target of hate. The Target Group or Individual can be a spouse, an in-law, a rival gang, an ethnic group, a race, a faith, or a nationality.


To illustrate how absurd the principles are we will use TG as an example. To clarify the TG is just simple people who want to exist, but this sample propaganda will teach you to hate the TG.


Group Agency or Individual Agency: (Agency) Ability of a group or individual to exist, live, work, think, pursue happiness, reproduce, provide for family or self, make independent choices, and pursue ideals.


Standard Claims of Universal Hate Rhetoric:


Remember, these are all lies to induce hatred.


1. There is no Personal Power or Group Agency or Individual Agency (GAIA). Any Group or Individual may seek power over your thoughts words, actions, identity and life.


2. The TG are actively be seeking the subjugation of your Group or Individual Agency and is the sole purpose of all the thoughts words and actions of the TG (remember the example target group).


3. Every member of the TG of every age and gender is knowingly and intently pursuing your Subjugation.


4. The TG have various methods of overcoming your Group or Individual Agency.


5. The TG are inferior.


6. All action and or status that is detrimental to yourself or your group done by the TG are intentional to fulfill the purpose of eliminating or subjugating your group.


7. All actions that seem kind or good, affectionate, or harmless to the ignorant eye, are merely ways in which the TG seduce, weaken, manipulate and subjugate your group.


8. All Sex and Reproduction is used by the TG for the sole purpose of controlling you, seducing you, infiltrating, overcoming by population, and polluting the genetic code of your group.


9. Any condition that exists that is undesirable or detrimental to you, is the result of the intentional actions of the TG.


10. Because all pretended good and actions by the TG are of evil manipulative intent, the TG are not worthy of gratitude, kindness or mercy.


11. All obvious attempts to withstand you and your teachings by the TG, is an attempt to overcome your Agency.


12. The TG must be destroyed, eliminated, or subjugated in order for you or your group to have Agency.


13. Every organization, thought, home, institution, faith and work of the TG must be destroyed or you and your group will be destroyed.


14. The Current Generation of the TG is responsible for the actions of Prior Generations.


15. Any kindness, gratitude, concessions, mercy or aid given to the TG enables the TG to fulfill their evil purpose.


16. Anyone who sympathizes with the TG is a Puppet of the TG.


What are the consequences to the Believers of the Rhetoric of Hate?


Once this Rhetoric is embraced by an individual or group, every and all action by the Target Group, kind, good, bad, neutral will provoke the Individual or Group.


Kindness provokes.


Withstanding provokes.


Existing provokes.


Self defense provokes.


Once the Rhetoric of Hate is established and solidified, time can do nothing but escalate the hostility toward the Target Group (TG) until the inhalation of the Target Group or intervention.

The Ten Hutu Commandments

How do each of these Commandments reflect the Standard Claims of the Rhetoric of Hate

Once these commandments were established in the hearts and minds of the Hutu people, the Hutu leaders spread propaganda over the radios declaring the evil of the Tutsi minority continuously.

The circular logic of Hate Rhetoric ensnared the hearts and minds of the Hutu. All good that a Tutsi minority did provoked them. Withstanding the Hutu provoked the Hutu. Merely existing provoked the Hutu.

In April of 1994 and the following month, violence exploded and the Hutu population slaughtered over 800,000 Tutsi men women and children by machete.

The Hutu Ten Commandments

(Claim 3, 8, 16)
1. Every Hutu should know that a Tutsi woman, whoever she is, works for the interest of her Tutsi ethnic group. As a result, we shall consider a traitor any Hutu who

marries a Tutsi woman
befriends a Tutsi woman
employs a Tutsi woman as a secretary or a concubine.

(Claim 5)
2. Every Hutu should know that our Hutu daughters are more suitable and conscientious in their role as woman, wife and mother of the family. Are they not beautiful, good secretaries and more honest?

3. Hutu women, be vigilant and try to bring your husbands, brothers and sons back to reason.

(Claim 7, 10, 13, 15, 16)
4. Every Hutu should know that every Tutsi is dishonest in business. His only aim is the supremacy of his ethnic group. As a result, any Hutu who does the following is a traitor:

makes a partnership with Tutsi in business
invests his money or the government's money in a Tutsi enterprise
lends or borrows money from a Tutsi
gives favours to Tutsi in business (obtaining import licenses, bank loans, construction sites, public markets, etc.).

(Claim 4, 7)
5. All strategic positions, political, administrative, economic, military and security should be entrusted only to Hutu.

(Claim 7)
6. The education sector (school pupils, students, teachers) must be majority Hutu.

(Claim 1)
7. The Rwandan Armed Forces should be exclusively Hutu. The experience of the October 1990 war has taught us a lesson. No member of the military shall marry a Tutsi.

(Claim 10)
8. The Hutu should stop having mercy on the Tutsi.

(Claim 2)
9. The Hutu, wherever they are, must have unity and solidarity and be concerned with the fate of their Hutu brothers.

The Hutu inside and outside Rwanda must constantly look for friends and allies for the Hutu cause, starting with their Hutu brothers.
They must constantly counteract Tutsi propaganda.
The Hutu must be firm and vigilant against their common Tutsi enemy.

(Claim 14)
10. The Social Revolution of 1959, the Referendum of 1961, and the Hutu Ideology, must be taught to every Hutu at every level. Every Hutu must spread this ideology widely. Any Hutu who persecutes his brother Hutu for having read, spread, and taught this ideology is a traitor.

The End of an Era, The Beginning of a New Era

August 13, 2001 my second sons first day of Kindergarten. One month before the fall of the Twin Towers.

It was to be the end of many long hardships, and the beginning of a better life.

Mathew, my husband finally graduated saith a Master's degree in International Business eight months prior. He was working for division of Intel.

The years of hardships we faced bravely as a family while Mathew attended college were finally over.

We could finally buy a home, decide where to live. After Mathew worked hard enough to secure his position at work, we could finally focus on our families needs.

I learned that when I forgave my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I sacrificed for my husband, my love for him grew. I learned that when I faced hardships for his goals, my love for him grew.

I felt blessed to be married to the man I knew without any doubt I was meant to be with.

We had 3 5/9 beautiful children. I was worried about the little girl I was pregnant with, but her tests came back okay for disabilities. I knew she was still at risk for mental delays and learning disabilities, but I tried to keep a positive attitude.

My husband was struggling with his relationships at work. I knew he was unhappy, and I knew why.

He was a very driven man who set out boldly to accomplish anything he set his mind to. I learned not to ever get in his way, and supported him whole heartedly. I delighted in watching him progress and reach his goals.

But at the same time I felt jealous. He didn't always worry about how his goals affected his family. His pursuits often left us at the side. I tried to make the burden of a family easy on him and a joyful for him as possible.

He was at a turn in the road. A turn I knew was coming. I knew that focusing on career would not bring him happiness and peace.

I knew that true happiness came from intimately loving and serving your family.

We had obvious problems in our relationship. But he didn't think he had the time to work on it.

I knew that after graduating and starting his career he would come to a turning point where he would realize that his career wasn't the source of joy or peace.

Yes his career finally provided. Many men drive for UPS or garbage trucks and still are happy because they take the time for their family.

International business was a hard worked for goal, it would provide well and reward us for the many hardships we faced.

But ultimately it is sacred family relationships that bring true happiness.

Mathew didn't like to be told what to do. Duh, he's a man. So I waited. I trusted completely the process of experience.

I knew without any doubt, he would come to realize his career wasn't the ultimate source of joy and happiness.

I knew without any doubt, that after Mathew realized that, the most obvious response would be to focus on what brings joy, his family.

All the years I watched his zealous work at school, I knew that once he brought that same passion to work on our relationships and his relationships with his children, it would be beautiful.

I used to think, if he only put a fifth of the effort into his family that he put into his career, how much happiness we would have.

But I also knew, he had to decide this on his own. He was always worried about being controlled. He was so sensitive to it.

It just had to be his realization, his choice.

I yearned for his love, for his gratitude, for him to take me in his arms and thank me for all the sacrifices, the hard times, the tenacity, to feel his complete love for me and the children.

I knew a turning point was coming. I did my best to stand by him and be patient and offer him all my love.

At the same time, I was so tired. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. He dove right into work as soon as he graduated.

We didn't have time to even find a home yet. We were back living with family in California. We had his signing bonus in the bank, a baby coming, several things to settle.

I hadn't had a break in years. Because of his hard work, he didn't have much time to help at home. I was so tired. I knew it would be a while before we could relax and celebrate a little. Take a real vacation.

The first week of September he decide to take a break. No not together. He wanted to go fishing for a week with the men in his family.

I felt hurt, but I knew he needed the break. I knew he needed time with his family. Although I knew there was at least one family member that scared me with his ability to reach people to hate, I had trust in my husbands strength.

I could see the crisis growing in his heart. I knew he had to face it. I knew it had to be his decision.

I had to trust him to be strong enough and wise enough to pass through it. I had to let it happen.

He got up early in the morning to leave to his fishing trip. He kissed the sleeping children with a sad troubled look on his face.

At the door, he kissed me and told me he loved me. I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt a little scared inside. But I knew I had to let him go on the trip.

As I watched the car drive out of the coul de sac, something in my heart tore. Would the man I loved come back? Was that the last time I would see my dear husband?

I shook it off. Decided to be brave, and prepared for the children to wake.

Mormon Elder Richard G. Scott

One of my favorite quotes regarding abusers.

First of all Brother Scott has such a soothing voice, he puts me to sleep every general Conference. Not only do I usually miss his speech, but the next speaker too. So I just read his talks afterward. The problem with reading his talks... I hear his voice while I read it, and I still have to fight sleepiness. I wish he would just come to my home and read to my children to put them to bed at night!

"As impossible as it may seem to you now, in time the healing you can receive from the Savior will allow you to truly forgive the abuser and even have feelings of sorrow for him or her. When you can forgive the offense, you will be relieved of the pain and heartache that Satan wants in your life by encouraging you to hate the abuser. As a result, you will enjoy greater peace. While an important part of healing, if the thought of forgiveness causes you yet more pain, set that step aside until you have more experience with the Savior's healing power in your own life.1

"If you are currently being abused or have been in the past, find the courage to seek help. You may have been severely threatened or caused to fear so that you would not reveal the abuse. Have the courage to act now. Seek the support of someone you can trust. Your bishop or stake president can give you valuable counsel and help you with the civil authorities. Explain how you have been abused and identify who has done it. Ask for protection. Your action may help others avoid becoming innocent victims, with the consequent suffering. Get help now. Do not fearfor fear is a tool Satan will use to keep you suffering. The Lord will help you, but you must reach out for that help."

"Do not be discouraged if initially a bishop hesitates when you identify an abuser. Remember that predators are skillful at cultivating a public appearance of piety to mask their despicable acts. Pray to be guided in your efforts to receive help. That support will come. Rest assured that the Perfect Judge, Jesus the Christ, with a perfect knowledge of the details, will hold all abusers accountable for every unrighteous act. In time He will fully apply the required demands of justice unless there is complete repentance. Your preoccupation with a need for justice only slows your healing and allows the perpetrator to continue his abusive control. Therefore you should leave punishment for the diabolic acts of abuse to civil and Church authorities."

"To the Perpetrator

Now, to the perpetrator who has shattered the life of another by abuse: recognize that you need help with your addiction or it will destroy you. You will not overcome it by yourself. You likely need specialized professional help. I plead with you to seek to be rescued now. You likely have deceived yourself in the false, temporary security that you have successfully hidden your transgression from the civil or Church authorities. But know that the Lord Jesus Christ is completely aware of your sins. He has warned: Whoso shall offend one of these little ones . . . , it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. 2 Know that even without action by a victim, your act of abuse will be publicly known, for Satan will expose you, then abandon you.

"Simplify your life by taking steps now to cleanse your soul from such sin and resolve the penalties they evoke. Show your desire to heal the anguish that you have caused others. Talk to your bishop or stake president. The seriousness of your acts may require you to face civil and Church discipline. But full repentance will bring the sweet relief of forgiveness, peace of conscience, and a renewed life. It will also bring relief to the abused and their families. You will be free of the weight of remorse and the accusing thoughts of what you have caused in grief and anguish in another's life. Recognize that it is much easier to repent in this life than it will be in the next, so repent now. You will be helped when you decide to be freed from your addiction through repentance and the support of others. Be grateful that you didn't live anciently when abusers were stoned to death without the opportunity for repentance.

September 11, 2001

Sunday night September 9, 2001

Six months pregnant, I felt so tired. My husband Mathew didn't have much time to help me in the home with our three children.

I wasn't prepared for the pregnancy. I knew I should of had surgery before the pregnancy, but I tried to exercise as much as I could by walking. I knew to much would put the baby and I at risk.

I was just trying to be strong.

My husband came home from a week long fishing trip with the men. I missed him so much. But I tried not to be to needy when he came home, because I knew that would annoy him.

I will never forget the way he looked at me when he saw me.

I saw fear, stoic anger, betrayal, fierce condemnation in his eyes as he glared at me.

I had no idea why he was angry.

As we went to bed, he turned to speak to me. He used short confusing sentences.

He was upset that I was pregnant. He was angry. He told me he was unhappy with what I had done. He told me he had been patient with me. He said he wasn't going to ask for a divorce quite yet. But I needed to get my act together.

He realized that I was the cause of all the unhappiness he felt in his life.

I sat there stunned. What was he angry about? He was upset about the pregnancy? What did he mean by that? Was he upset with himself for getting me pregnant? What was I doing wrong? I felt distant from myself and him, not understanding.

He expressed his anger without explaining anything. I was afraid if I asked any questions he would get angry at my ignorance. I was still worried about the baby.

On March 10, earlier that year, I told him that if we got pregnant our child would be at risk. After he ignored my warnings and we got pregnant, I felt it would be offensive to remind him. I had gone through the first half of the pregnancy terrified of the consequences, but dealt with it silently. Earlier I decided not to say anything about it ever again, even if our child had disabilities. I had decided to forgive him of the ultimate offense.

My mind was spinning. I had every right to be angry with him for the pregnancy, but I forgave him. Why did he feel the need to punish me? To reprimand me.

I was petrified and very, very confused.

Monday September 10, 2001, he was short, stoic and cold to the children an I. We went through the day mechanically.

As I pondered what was going on, trying to understand, I thought of how little time he spent with us. How little effort he spent on his relationships with the children and I. I thought of how much happier he would be if he worked at our relationship.

I remembered how my sister lived in the Bay Area during the great earthquake of 1989 in California. I pondered on how it woke everyone up to stop and look at their families and loved ones and to care for them.

How convenient it would be if the timing for our own family crisis could be timed in such a way that it would wake up my husband to the needs of his family. To stop thinking about just himself.

Tuesday September 11, 2001

Mathew took our oldest son to school after I prepared the children. He came home in a panic and we turned on the news.

We watched stunned and horrified as the second plane crashed into the World Trade Center.

I m trapped, I can't leave you and the children now. The world is falling apart. I m trapped. Mathew said. He sat on the couch with his head in his hands.

Not quite what I was expecting. On Mathew's part or God's part.

The next few days were awash with emotion and confusion as I processed what was happening in the world. What was happening in my world.

Friday night, September 14, 2001, Mathew asked me to go with him on a drive. I got into our little old Toyota Camry, he drove around, then stopped at a local park. It was dark as we walked on the paths and park lawn.

We sat down in front of a baseball diamond and watched men play ball.

My mind was a complete blur while he spoke.

Here is what I can remember of it.

He said I was a complete disappointment to him.

That it was wrong for be to be pregnant, but that he wasn't a jerk, he would stay with me until the child was born.

I sat there with my hand on my swollen belly, feeling her.

He said he understood that everything I did was to manipulate him. That this pregnancy was to trap him into marriage. I couldn't quite grasp that.

He said he never loved me and our marriage was a mistake.

He related the things I done in the past that had seemed like were kind and loving, but they weren t. Everything I had ever done that was kind, affectionate and loving was just to trap him and control him.

He told me my religious faith was just to control him. My faith taught me to forgive him, and I did a hundred times over. My faith taught that the Lord gives us our entire lifetime to overcome our weaknesses. So I sought to give him his lifetime to overcome those things he did that hurt me. My faith taught me that God loved me and him also individually. My faith taught me that I could pray and ask God for help and guidance, and that he could too.

Mathew frequently asked me to do things that were difficult. Each time I prayed to God and asked if I should support him in his pursuits. Each time the Lord responded that I should. My faith in God gave me faith in my husband.

I trusted in the Lord continually. And that trust led me to trust in my husband. Why do we trust?

He asked me where I wanted to live, California, Utah, or Idaho? I asked him where he wanted me to be. He said Idaho because his family was there. So I agreed to go to Idaho.

We had spent years in poverty while he attended school. Now he finally had a good job. All those times he promised me the hardships were for our future together, for our family.

I told him that I loved him, that I wanted to save our marriage. So he lectured me on my body, on the condition of our home, what he believed I should have done to save our marriage.

I sat there stunned and in total emotional pain, confused under the night sky.

A man walked off the baseball diamond toward us. As he approached, I recognized him from church. I still don't remember his name.

Are you okay? Do you need help? As I sat next to my husband. Something inside my heart cried out. I wondered if I should ask him for a ride home. I was taught never to ride with another man. But what should I do.

But I sat. I don't know if it was me or Mathew that said, That's all right. We re okay.

Mathew drove me home that night and we went to bed.

I had until the birth of our child to fix everything. I believed that if I was just kind enough, loving enough, no matter what he did, it would prove to him that my love for him was genuine, not faked, and not to control.

I looked back on how we met. On how loving him made me feel complete.

By Mormon Doctrine, we believe that families are forever, if you live worthy. Mathew and I were married in the temple, that meant that we would be together forever. It gave me an incentive to forgive him so many times and to overlook the small things.

I knew that because we were married in the temple, our covenants were not to each other, but to God.

My covenant to love Mathew was to God, and thus I could not make it conditional on his behavior.

Love is a choice, we choose to love by our thoughts words and actions.

The sealing to spouse and children is dependent upon the keeping of that covenant. If one spouse breaks that covenant and chooses not to love and serve faithfully, the remaining parent is still sealed to the children.

As long as I continued to choose to love him, and do everything I could, my children would
still be seal to me for eternity no matter what he chose.

But I believed that if he didn't keep his most sacred covenant to love and protect his wife and children, he would not only be cut off from me, but the children.

God's custody issues are a little simpler and a little more all knowing.

The thought of eternity without him ripped me up inside.

I felt that Mathew never really spent enough time with the children and I to know what he was giving up.

I was and am a woman of great faith.

I knew our family was and is sacred.

I knew that anything I asked of God, that was honorable, he would do on my behalf, and the behalf of my family and children.

I was determined that with the Lord's help our marriage could be saved.

I never doubted it.

I was scared, heartbroken and overwhelmed. But I would be kind enough to prove my love, to prove it was real an not some manipulation.

I couldn't let my husband destroy our precious family for things that were not even true.

What I didn't know, was that this hate rhetoric Mathew came home with was older than time itself.

That most the great wars, death and destruction was fueled by it.

That Jesus Christ himself was crucified by the same rhetoric.

I didn't know that once someone is convinced you only do good to manipulate, the destructive enslaving circular logic ensnares the believer.

I didn't know that the more I served him, the more he would believe I was manipulative.

The believer in manipulation will valiantly retaliate against kindness and love.

I didn't know that once I chose to fight back it would only serve to prove I was manipulative.

With this rhetoric, the more valiant someone is, the more manipulative they are in the eye of the beholder.

This believe destroys all love, compassion, mercy, tenderness and humanity in the believer.

And the believer in this Universal Rhetoric of Hate actually thinks they are valiant as they withhold compassion.

I didn't know.