I received a phone call today from a friend. She was scared and stressed about a criminal court hearing coming up in a couple of weeks against her husband. She was afraid because he was playing good boy with church friends, and persuading them that she was crazy.
Never mind the fact it was witnesses who called the police.
She was getting upset and worried about how he would attach her in court, and bring friends to testify against her.
I reminded her that she has no children to bind her to him.
I reminded her that they were married too short a time to worry about dividing assets in the divorce.
I reminded her that once the divorce goes through she could say goodbye to him forever.
Thus, she really didn’t need to worry about the consequences to her of the hearing.
I reminded her that SHE was NOT on trial! He, the Abuser was on trial.
I asked her to call the county Victim Witness coordinator, that most counties have them.
She gets to walk away from the hearing, regardless of whether or not he was found guilty. She has nothing to fear.
She can testify freely, and tell the truth.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
The Universal Rhetoric of Love
The ability to stand with confidence and freely loves others comes first from an understanding of our own power, agency, given to us by our Loving Heavenly Father. I was taught these principles from my earliest days. I had no idea of their true significance as the all seemed commonplace to me until I was confronted with the Logic of Hate. Understanding these principles and applying them to your life will immunize you against beings seduced by the Universal Rhetoric of Hate used by abusers, gangs, political parties, faiths, and races.
These Principles are taught throughout time, history and throughout the Globe.
These principles are missing from the heart of every abuser.
1. God is all Powerful, he is your Father, He Loves and Cherishes you.
2. God is the literal Father of the Whole Human Family.
3. God Watches over you and all of the Whole Human Family
4. Our Father God, hears and answers your sincere prayers and has the power to act on your behalf.
5. In his infinite love, wisdom, patience and mercy, he gave you and each member of thee Whole Human Family, Free Will, or Free Agency. The absolute ability to make choices, and bound the results of each choice to eternal consequences.
6. Each good choice you make with your Free Will, strengthens you, brings you closer to God, and expands your future choices.
7. Each poor choice you make with your Free Will, weakens you, pushes you away from God and limits your future choices.
8. No one can ever take away the Free Will of your Spirit.
9. You will be measured by your own actions, and not the actions of others.
10. Poor choices you make can result in self limiting consequences, and self destruction.
11 No matter your station, or condition, you have the power to do good, and make beneficial choices.
12. Each offense another commits against you and yours, provides the opportunity for you to discover and prove your own strength of Free Will, by doing good in return, and stand up for what is right.
13. While you may do good to others who wrong you, neither you nor God can control the response of of the recipient, as they too have Free Will. It is God’s gift to them to prove themselves for Good or for Evil.
14. Our actions and all the actions of others provide learning experiences for you and allow you to develop, progress, and explore your complete potential.
15. Power over ourselves is the only real power. All other powers are just illusion, and always just out of our grasp.
15. Jesus Christ our Savior taught us the basic principles of Exercising our absolute Free Will, the more we follow those principles, the closer we come to knowing true absolutes power, not over others, but over ourselves. Christ’s teaching focuses completely on how we treat others, not how they treat us. We have no power over others, only ourselves.
16. The Greatest Power you can ever experience is to follow these teachings:
A. Love your Enemy.
B. Do good to your them that Hate you.
C. Bless those that Curse you.
D. Return not evil for evil, but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
E. If any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
F. Whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him in twaine.
G. Be a peacemaker, any weak soul can escalate a fight.
H. Rejoice when you are persecuted.
I. Pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.
16. You need not Fear the power of any man, as the Most Powerful of all is watching over you.
17. When you are free from Fear of other’s having power over you, you are Free to Love.
18. Fear and Love are incompatible and cannot dwell peacefully in your heart.
This is the short version.
These Principles are taught throughout time, history and throughout the Globe.
These principles are missing from the heart of every abuser.
1. God is all Powerful, he is your Father, He Loves and Cherishes you.
2. God is the literal Father of the Whole Human Family.
3. God Watches over you and all of the Whole Human Family
4. Our Father God, hears and answers your sincere prayers and has the power to act on your behalf.
5. In his infinite love, wisdom, patience and mercy, he gave you and each member of thee Whole Human Family, Free Will, or Free Agency. The absolute ability to make choices, and bound the results of each choice to eternal consequences.
6. Each good choice you make with your Free Will, strengthens you, brings you closer to God, and expands your future choices.
7. Each poor choice you make with your Free Will, weakens you, pushes you away from God and limits your future choices.
8. No one can ever take away the Free Will of your Spirit.
9. You will be measured by your own actions, and not the actions of others.
10. Poor choices you make can result in self limiting consequences, and self destruction.
11 No matter your station, or condition, you have the power to do good, and make beneficial choices.
12. Each offense another commits against you and yours, provides the opportunity for you to discover and prove your own strength of Free Will, by doing good in return, and stand up for what is right.
13. While you may do good to others who wrong you, neither you nor God can control the response of of the recipient, as they too have Free Will. It is God’s gift to them to prove themselves for Good or for Evil.
14. Our actions and all the actions of others provide learning experiences for you and allow you to develop, progress, and explore your complete potential.
15. Power over ourselves is the only real power. All other powers are just illusion, and always just out of our grasp.
15. Jesus Christ our Savior taught us the basic principles of Exercising our absolute Free Will, the more we follow those principles, the closer we come to knowing true absolutes power, not over others, but over ourselves. Christ’s teaching focuses completely on how we treat others, not how they treat us. We have no power over others, only ourselves.
16. The Greatest Power you can ever experience is to follow these teachings:
A. Love your Enemy.
B. Do good to your them that Hate you.
C. Bless those that Curse you.
D. Return not evil for evil, but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
E. If any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
F. Whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him in twaine.
G. Be a peacemaker, any weak soul can escalate a fight.
H. Rejoice when you are persecuted.
I. Pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.
16. You need not Fear the power of any man, as the Most Powerful of all is watching over you.
17. When you are free from Fear of other’s having power over you, you are Free to Love.
18. Fear and Love are incompatible and cannot dwell peacefully in your heart.
This is the short version.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
When does a man become a Father?
What is a Father?
“Father” is a sacred title, not given lightly.
When is the first moment in which a man begins to become a father?
Some may believe that Fatherhood begins with a single cell received by the mother.
By this cold single cell many people may define “Fatherhood”.
But that single cell has little to nothing to do with becoming a Father.
Fatherhood is truly seeded, the first moment a man sincerely cares about the life he contributes in creating, or the first moment a man cares about a life another created.
Fatherhood grows or dies within the man as he chooses or chooses not to care for, love for, guide, protect and guide that life beside the co-creator.
The beginning of the ideal influence of Fatherhood may come with that single cell, if and when the man cares for the recipient of the single sell and seeks after her welfare in the creating of that life and shows concern for the welfare of and the physical, emotional, and spiritual development of that new life.
While some men weak, selfish and seeking merely to gratify their physical desires with a woman, fatherhood may not begin in that first moment. Such men may never become Fathers.
But some, but not all of men who fall into this particular example may be moved to love, once they learn and accept the creation the participated in.
Some men, cold and unfeeling, are irritated and distressed by the inconvenient impact on himself and still this man is not a father of the most beautiful creation of a child.
Such a man may openly reject the sacred calling as father-co-creator of life by his adamant open denial of his accountability, responsibility of that life, and the results of the single cell. This man’s actions are tragic, frightening and heart rending.
He may blame the woman as a seductress. He may claim there was another co-creator with even the most virtuous woman.
He may openly lament, refuse, and deny with a thousand protest, and excuses his calling as father.
He may physically, spiritually and emotionally abuse his co creator and the new life.
This man is NOT a Father.
Heavenly Father as the example
We call our one True God, The Father, or “Heavenly Father” because of our belief in him as our ultimate Creator. We are created in his image and he provides for us every opportunity for us to become like him and fulfill our ultimate potential as creators in this Great Universe.
“Heavenly Father” the title is given in our belief in his absolute concern and caring for us and our belief that he acts on his love and concern.
Those who loose faith in our creator in times if difficulty and come to believe that our creator does not care for us, revoke the title of “Father” from God, signifying our hardwired understanding that the word “Father” means one who intimately cares.
Joseph, Step-Father to Jesus Christ As an example
The Fatherhood of Joseph, Step Father to Jesus Christ our Lord, began the moment he sought guidance from God in prayer for his relationship to Mary and her conceived child. His willingness to forgive the wrongly perceived offense of his espoused wife. His willingness to ask and receive counsel from the Lord reflected his humility and love.
In complete contrast to the man who conceives and rejects, Joseph had full knowledge that he had no part in the creation of Christ's life, as he never had “known” Mary in the biblical definitions, he saw her virtuous nature, though it was beyond the reasoning of his mind. In mercy, in love, in faith, he accepted the vision given to him and embraced his role as companion, provider, protector the the mother Mary and the child.
Joseph, Step-Father to Jesus willingly passed through great trials, adversities, and hardships to protect, provide and care for Mary and her child. We do not know what passed through Joseph’s mind in these adversities, but his ultimate choice and the path he followed, was to stand by Mary and her child, now his.
So, despite Joseph’s non participation in Christ's creation, he became a true Father to Christ, by his love of Mary and willingness to take on the mantle of Fatherhood at her side.
I find the contrast between the man who creates life, and boldly rejects it, and the Joseph, Step Father of Christ, who embraced the challenges, hardships and blessings of fatherhood profound.
“Father” is a sacred title, not given lightly.
When is the first moment in which a man begins to become a father?
Some may believe that Fatherhood begins with a single cell received by the mother.
By this cold single cell many people may define “Fatherhood”.
But that single cell has little to nothing to do with becoming a Father.
Fatherhood is truly seeded, the first moment a man sincerely cares about the life he contributes in creating, or the first moment a man cares about a life another created.
Fatherhood grows or dies within the man as he chooses or chooses not to care for, love for, guide, protect and guide that life beside the co-creator.
The beginning of the ideal influence of Fatherhood may come with that single cell, if and when the man cares for the recipient of the single sell and seeks after her welfare in the creating of that life and shows concern for the welfare of and the physical, emotional, and spiritual development of that new life.
While some men weak, selfish and seeking merely to gratify their physical desires with a woman, fatherhood may not begin in that first moment. Such men may never become Fathers.
But some, but not all of men who fall into this particular example may be moved to love, once they learn and accept the creation the participated in.
Some men, cold and unfeeling, are irritated and distressed by the inconvenient impact on himself and still this man is not a father of the most beautiful creation of a child.
Such a man may openly reject the sacred calling as father-co-creator of life by his adamant open denial of his accountability, responsibility of that life, and the results of the single cell. This man’s actions are tragic, frightening and heart rending.
He may blame the woman as a seductress. He may claim there was another co-creator with even the most virtuous woman.
He may openly lament, refuse, and deny with a thousand protest, and excuses his calling as father.
He may physically, spiritually and emotionally abuse his co creator and the new life.
This man is NOT a Father.
Heavenly Father as the example
We call our one True God, The Father, or “Heavenly Father” because of our belief in him as our ultimate Creator. We are created in his image and he provides for us every opportunity for us to become like him and fulfill our ultimate potential as creators in this Great Universe.
“Heavenly Father” the title is given in our belief in his absolute concern and caring for us and our belief that he acts on his love and concern.
Those who loose faith in our creator in times if difficulty and come to believe that our creator does not care for us, revoke the title of “Father” from God, signifying our hardwired understanding that the word “Father” means one who intimately cares.
Joseph, Step-Father to Jesus Christ As an example
The Fatherhood of Joseph, Step Father to Jesus Christ our Lord, began the moment he sought guidance from God in prayer for his relationship to Mary and her conceived child. His willingness to forgive the wrongly perceived offense of his espoused wife. His willingness to ask and receive counsel from the Lord reflected his humility and love.
In complete contrast to the man who conceives and rejects, Joseph had full knowledge that he had no part in the creation of Christ's life, as he never had “known” Mary in the biblical definitions, he saw her virtuous nature, though it was beyond the reasoning of his mind. In mercy, in love, in faith, he accepted the vision given to him and embraced his role as companion, provider, protector the the mother Mary and the child.
Joseph, Step-Father to Jesus willingly passed through great trials, adversities, and hardships to protect, provide and care for Mary and her child. We do not know what passed through Joseph’s mind in these adversities, but his ultimate choice and the path he followed, was to stand by Mary and her child, now his.
So, despite Joseph’s non participation in Christ's creation, he became a true Father to Christ, by his love of Mary and willingness to take on the mantle of Fatherhood at her side.
I find the contrast between the man who creates life, and boldly rejects it, and the Joseph, Step Father of Christ, who embraced the challenges, hardships and blessings of fatherhood profound.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Unity
Unity is an important factor in marriage and relationships.
To be one. AtOneMent.
At first your Unity in the relationship seems beautiful and wonderful.
But in Corrupt relationships, Unity becomes corrupted.
In a corrupt relationship,you come to realize that your unity means you can't dissagree, you can't think for yourself, you can't have your own ideas and aspirations.
Absolute Oneness is mandatory. All your ideas are considered, "poorly thought out."
Any hobby is put down. Any dream.
You make sacrifice everything for their aspirations, but if you want the simplest thing, you are shot down.
In healthy relationships there is unity, but it's cooperative unity. Each partner retains their own identity, their own creativity, their own talents.
The partner's gifts and talents may seem opposite, but complimentary. Your strengths are his weaknesses, and your weaknesses are his strengths.
Each partner brings in his or her own abilitys and those abilities complete each other.
By differences you become complete, you become one.
To be one. AtOneMent.
At first your Unity in the relationship seems beautiful and wonderful.
But in Corrupt relationships, Unity becomes corrupted.
In a corrupt relationship,you come to realize that your unity means you can't dissagree, you can't think for yourself, you can't have your own ideas and aspirations.
Absolute Oneness is mandatory. All your ideas are considered, "poorly thought out."
Any hobby is put down. Any dream.
You make sacrifice everything for their aspirations, but if you want the simplest thing, you are shot down.
In healthy relationships there is unity, but it's cooperative unity. Each partner retains their own identity, their own creativity, their own talents.
The partner's gifts and talents may seem opposite, but complimentary. Your strengths are his weaknesses, and your weaknesses are his strengths.
Each partner brings in his or her own abilitys and those abilities complete each other.
By differences you become complete, you become one.
Deragatory remarks
When you first meet him and fall in love, you notice he talks bad about a lot of people.
He just needs to learn the worth of souls. You can teach him. You plan how you will teach him over time to accept the differences of others, to understand others, and not to talk so bad about everyone.
He calls people he doesn't like, "A waste of human flesh."
Yeah.
But over time, you are not the one who wins.
In time you become accustomed to it. You begin to worry about him noticing your faults like he does others.
In vulnerable moments, you notice that you personally redirect his hatred, malice, anger, and sour words to others so he misses you as a target.
In time, if you're not careful, instead of teaching him to stop criticizing others, you become like him.
You come to learn that to gain his respect you have to put others down and look down on others as he does.
He just needs to learn the worth of souls. You can teach him. You plan how you will teach him over time to accept the differences of others, to understand others, and not to talk so bad about everyone.
He calls people he doesn't like, "A waste of human flesh."
Yeah.
But over time, you are not the one who wins.
In time you become accustomed to it. You begin to worry about him noticing your faults like he does others.
In vulnerable moments, you notice that you personally redirect his hatred, malice, anger, and sour words to others so he misses you as a target.
In time, if you're not careful, instead of teaching him to stop criticizing others, you become like him.
You come to learn that to gain his respect you have to put others down and look down on others as he does.
Deciding factors
The biggest question I see women face is, when is the relationship bad enough that they should leave?
If the emotional abuse is severe, and the physical abuse slight, the simplest answer in a few questions.
Do you have the courage to stand up to him?
When you do stand up to him, does he listen, does he respond?
But don't misunderstand. Every woman I've spoken to is more traumatized by the emotional abuse than the physical.
If the emotional abuse is severe, and the physical abuse slight, the simplest answer in a few questions.
Do you have the courage to stand up to him?
When you do stand up to him, does he listen, does he respond?
But don't misunderstand. Every woman I've spoken to is more traumatized by the emotional abuse than the physical.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Never an Apology
Early in the relationship, he would have terrible outbursts. His mother was dying of cancer, so I just told myself, "He's going thru a difficult time."
But he would never say he was sorry afterward, or acknowledge he did anything wrong.
I used to mentally measure how "he was getting better." Thinking, "Oh he only had three outbursts this week." Always believing he was striving to do better.
They say the cycle of abuse included the apology, remorse, flowers phase. I never saw that part of the cycle. Oh he would turn nice for a period, But never say he was sorry or try to make up for what he did.
After everything blew up completely, there were times we could have reconciled, but I couldn't go back to the cycle. I needed him to repent, to apologize, to confess, to forsake what he had done.
The Apology never name. There were hints and suggestions. If the repentance was real, it would have been just as heartfelt and intense as the cruelty.
After so many years of no apology, it wouldn't have taken much to win me over.
After being told over and over again, how worthless I was, and having my feelings treated with such distaine and disregard, even to the point that he seemed to rejoice and revel in hurting me, I just needed to be told that I was of worth, that my feelings were valid and justified. That I was worthy of the dignity of an apology.
I was also terrified of taking him back, and not having the change real. I was worried about the consequences to me and the children if any of the behavior continued.
I loved him dearly, even after everything he did, but I had to respect myself and the truth.
Not letting someone back, when you love them with all your heart, and they are being nice for a few minutes again, and everything about them seems so nice for the moment, is really hard. It burns.
But he would never say he was sorry afterward, or acknowledge he did anything wrong.
I used to mentally measure how "he was getting better." Thinking, "Oh he only had three outbursts this week." Always believing he was striving to do better.
They say the cycle of abuse included the apology, remorse, flowers phase. I never saw that part of the cycle. Oh he would turn nice for a period, But never say he was sorry or try to make up for what he did.
After everything blew up completely, there were times we could have reconciled, but I couldn't go back to the cycle. I needed him to repent, to apologize, to confess, to forsake what he had done.
The Apology never name. There were hints and suggestions. If the repentance was real, it would have been just as heartfelt and intense as the cruelty.
After so many years of no apology, it wouldn't have taken much to win me over.
After being told over and over again, how worthless I was, and having my feelings treated with such distaine and disregard, even to the point that he seemed to rejoice and revel in hurting me, I just needed to be told that I was of worth, that my feelings were valid and justified. That I was worthy of the dignity of an apology.
I was also terrified of taking him back, and not having the change real. I was worried about the consequences to me and the children if any of the behavior continued.
I loved him dearly, even after everything he did, but I had to respect myself and the truth.
Not letting someone back, when you love them with all your heart, and they are being nice for a few minutes again, and everything about them seems so nice for the moment, is really hard. It burns.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Learning to fight
One of the greatest challenges I faced in standing up to my husband was that I loved him. I never felt anger for him. It wasn't until even around the time divorce finalized (which took years), that I finally got to the anger phase. Thus I had to fight him without anger or malice.
I wast trying to save our marriage at the same time as a divorce battle. But I knew I couldn't save it by complying with his demands. I didn't want to go back to what was.
If our marriage was to work, he was going to have to respect me, my feeling, my ideas, my thoughts, my heart. Not make sport of them.
Well, I was truly, "Slow to anger." Thus I had to fight a major legal battle with the one person I loved most in the world. I would laugh at the sick thought of "This hurts me more than it hurts you."
My mood has changed.
Now I have to be careful. I have to limit my exposure to him. I consider him worthy of the greatest malice imaginable. And I must not act on it.
It takes "Trust in the Lord", to a whole new level.
I wast trying to save our marriage at the same time as a divorce battle. But I knew I couldn't save it by complying with his demands. I didn't want to go back to what was.
If our marriage was to work, he was going to have to respect me, my feeling, my ideas, my thoughts, my heart. Not make sport of them.
Well, I was truly, "Slow to anger." Thus I had to fight a major legal battle with the one person I loved most in the world. I would laugh at the sick thought of "This hurts me more than it hurts you."
My mood has changed.
Now I have to be careful. I have to limit my exposure to him. I consider him worthy of the greatest malice imaginable. And I must not act on it.
It takes "Trust in the Lord", to a whole new level.
When I See Him Smile with a Sparkle in His Eye
I think of the words he spoke, "I shouldn't have to put up with a wife who complains about pain of feeling degraded during sex." At 2:30 am when our daughter was 2 and a half weeks old. And how he spent the next hour lecturing me on how to please him and what he expected of me. I felt so degraded i wanted to die.
I knew then that all those times I tried to tell him he was hurting me, he really didn't care.
I think of how he partook of the sacrament the Sunday after, unbothered by his conscience.
"You need to do more to please your husband." From his brother shortly after.
I think of how he smiled with a twinkle in his eye while he lied to his sister about her husbands fidelity for a decade.
I think of how he smile with a twinkle in his eyes at his classmates, then found out at the end of the program they all believed he had 13 years of "strategic marketing experience." When I confronted my husband who worked loading trucks, and at Airtouch Customer Support, He explained to me that he did have that experience. Did he think I'm crazy. That he could just rewrite history and I would go along with it?
I knew if he wanted that he would have to find a wife who knew nothing and would go along with anything he said.
When someone smiles with a twinkle in there eye, why is it we think they have a clear conscience.
What do you need in your life to smile with confidence?
The only way to know the difference between a clear conscience and no conscience in someone else, is to actually see what they do, not what they say.
As much as I wanted to heal our family, his ability to smile with a sparkle in his eyes, when he was guilty of terrible things, scared the hell out of me.
Having someone so close, who shares the most intimate parts of your life, to find out the one you love and have sacrificed everything for, suffered every hardship, every deprivation for their behalf, to find out that they can any immoral act and be so unbothered immediately after, that they can smile with a comforting twinkle, is beyond my moral comprehension.
The scary ugly monsters in the movies are nothing compared to this.
To have someone degrade you as lowly as they possible can in the most intimate moments, and see them stand and play righteous at church.
To know that you can't tell by looking at them what they really are.
To realize that you will never know what reality is while you stand next to them.
Is terrifying.
Then to look at my children, and know they need to have a father they can look up to and honor.
As disgusted as aI felt when I was expected to lie to my sister in law about her husband. As awkward as that relationship felt, and painfully immoral.
What is right in regards to my children?
I want the father of my children to be worthy of respect and emulation. So my children can follow after him.
But I don’t want to participate in a lie, a fraud.
I wish he would live worthy and with integrity by telling the truth.
God is a God of truth. He is no respector of persons. It doesn’t matter how charming someone is.
The best way to show how I feel when he smiles is an Episode of X-Files. Leave it to Scully and Moulder to express my deepest emotions.
Scully and Moulder are investigating a murder in the woods and enter a cave. The cave turns out to be a massive mile wide underground fungi mushroom that oozes an hallucinogen, while it sedates and digests them.
Meanwhile Scully and Moulder both come to believe all their dreams come true while they dream. Then after a while they realize they are still in the cave covered in ooze. They climb out and escape the ooze. Then back at the office, Moulder sees ooze behind his boss, and realizes they are still in the cave, dreaming all is well, while being digested by the mushroom fungi ooze.
This time their friends come and rescue them, but then again, how will they ever really know what reality is?
Happily ever after with someone who can lie effectively and is willing to, is like giant, mushroom fungi ooze.
So when I see him smile, I see ooze. How do you ever know what reality is?
I knew then that all those times I tried to tell him he was hurting me, he really didn't care.
I think of how he partook of the sacrament the Sunday after, unbothered by his conscience.
"You need to do more to please your husband." From his brother shortly after.
I think of how he smiled with a twinkle in his eye while he lied to his sister about her husbands fidelity for a decade.
I think of how he smile with a twinkle in his eyes at his classmates, then found out at the end of the program they all believed he had 13 years of "strategic marketing experience." When I confronted my husband who worked loading trucks, and at Airtouch Customer Support, He explained to me that he did have that experience. Did he think I'm crazy. That he could just rewrite history and I would go along with it?
I knew if he wanted that he would have to find a wife who knew nothing and would go along with anything he said.
When someone smiles with a twinkle in there eye, why is it we think they have a clear conscience.
What do you need in your life to smile with confidence?
The only way to know the difference between a clear conscience and no conscience in someone else, is to actually see what they do, not what they say.
As much as I wanted to heal our family, his ability to smile with a sparkle in his eyes, when he was guilty of terrible things, scared the hell out of me.
Having someone so close, who shares the most intimate parts of your life, to find out the one you love and have sacrificed everything for, suffered every hardship, every deprivation for their behalf, to find out that they can any immoral act and be so unbothered immediately after, that they can smile with a comforting twinkle, is beyond my moral comprehension.
The scary ugly monsters in the movies are nothing compared to this.
To have someone degrade you as lowly as they possible can in the most intimate moments, and see them stand and play righteous at church.
To know that you can't tell by looking at them what they really are.
To realize that you will never know what reality is while you stand next to them.
Is terrifying.
Then to look at my children, and know they need to have a father they can look up to and honor.
As disgusted as aI felt when I was expected to lie to my sister in law about her husband. As awkward as that relationship felt, and painfully immoral.
What is right in regards to my children?
I want the father of my children to be worthy of respect and emulation. So my children can follow after him.
But I don’t want to participate in a lie, a fraud.
I wish he would live worthy and with integrity by telling the truth.
God is a God of truth. He is no respector of persons. It doesn’t matter how charming someone is.
The best way to show how I feel when he smiles is an Episode of X-Files. Leave it to Scully and Moulder to express my deepest emotions.
Scully and Moulder are investigating a murder in the woods and enter a cave. The cave turns out to be a massive mile wide underground fungi mushroom that oozes an hallucinogen, while it sedates and digests them.
Meanwhile Scully and Moulder both come to believe all their dreams come true while they dream. Then after a while they realize they are still in the cave covered in ooze. They climb out and escape the ooze. Then back at the office, Moulder sees ooze behind his boss, and realizes they are still in the cave, dreaming all is well, while being digested by the mushroom fungi ooze.
This time their friends come and rescue them, but then again, how will they ever really know what reality is?
Happily ever after with someone who can lie effectively and is willing to, is like giant, mushroom fungi ooze.
So when I see him smile, I see ooze. How do you ever know what reality is?
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Hope for Change
Like many women, I stayed and hoped he would change.
After everything fell apart, I believed he would come to a point and realize that everything he did was wrong and cruel.
But I also knew I had a calling. I knew for a long time that I was called to speak out and teach others about domestic violence. Women feel so alone as they endure. They feel like their family just doesn't understand.
I knew that it was my calling to speak out, so I incorporated my fantasy hope of him changing into my calling. I wanted him to repent completely. Then after he repented we would work together teaching others about abuse. He would be able to speak to the men and counsel them to help them to stop abusing their wives. And I would help the women stand up to there abusers until they changed.
But he never repented.
And I waited. The waiting was torture because there was so much I felt I needed to say, to help other women.
The waiting and silence felt like death to me.
But he never repented.
Sometimes he seemed kinder. But he never said he was sorry. He never admitted what he did. I could never have anything to do with him without absolute, unquestionable, reform and repentance.
During our marriage he would act out, then the next day behave normal like nothing happened.
I was used to twhat.
After everything fell apart, I realized that he couldn’t change for real, without apologizing and admitting what he did, and working to make amends.
And that a repentant man should be just as aggressive with his reformed kindness, as he was with his aggression.
I knew that if it wasn't real, it wouldn't be real, and our eternal family would be a sham.
Finally I realized, after major life events, that the change I was waiting for was never going to happen. I realized that I was waiting for the man who raped me to give me permission to speak out. That my waiting was putting my life in the control of a man who raped me.
And so, without the permission I had been waiting for...
I spoke out.
A couple of weeks ago, my playful son put a hole in the wall next to the front door while, "climbing the house". He covered it up with a picture of the Savior Jesus Christ. Many people profess the Savior Covers our sins, and go on, but the Savior is supposed to help us repair ourselves and the others we hurt, not cover the damage up. Faiths that teach that the Savior just covers are sins, are as lame as the effectiveness of a picture of the Savior over a 1 foot hole.
After everything fell apart, I believed he would come to a point and realize that everything he did was wrong and cruel.
But I also knew I had a calling. I knew for a long time that I was called to speak out and teach others about domestic violence. Women feel so alone as they endure. They feel like their family just doesn't understand.
I knew that it was my calling to speak out, so I incorporated my fantasy hope of him changing into my calling. I wanted him to repent completely. Then after he repented we would work together teaching others about abuse. He would be able to speak to the men and counsel them to help them to stop abusing their wives. And I would help the women stand up to there abusers until they changed.
But he never repented.
And I waited. The waiting was torture because there was so much I felt I needed to say, to help other women.
The waiting and silence felt like death to me.
But he never repented.
Sometimes he seemed kinder. But he never said he was sorry. He never admitted what he did. I could never have anything to do with him without absolute, unquestionable, reform and repentance.
During our marriage he would act out, then the next day behave normal like nothing happened.
I was used to twhat.
After everything fell apart, I realized that he couldn’t change for real, without apologizing and admitting what he did, and working to make amends.
And that a repentant man should be just as aggressive with his reformed kindness, as he was with his aggression.
I knew that if it wasn't real, it wouldn't be real, and our eternal family would be a sham.
Finally I realized, after major life events, that the change I was waiting for was never going to happen. I realized that I was waiting for the man who raped me to give me permission to speak out. That my waiting was putting my life in the control of a man who raped me.
And so, without the permission I had been waiting for...
I spoke out.
A couple of weeks ago, my playful son put a hole in the wall next to the front door while, "climbing the house". He covered it up with a picture of the Savior Jesus Christ. Many people profess the Savior Covers our sins, and go on, but the Savior is supposed to help us repair ourselves and the others we hurt, not cover the damage up. Faiths that teach that the Savior just covers are sins, are as lame as the effectiveness of a picture of the Savior over a 1 foot hole.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Perceived Good Intentions, Perceived Bad Intentions
So many women tell me the same story.
She couldn't comprehend any negative, bad or malicious intentions of her husband. His cruel actions were from misunderstanding her intentions. She just needed to prove her kind intentions and show patience.
He couldn't comprehend any kind, thoughtful, or sincere intentions of his wife.
Um, those who are cruel and unkind cannot comprehend those who are kind and giving. They see kind actions and come up with negative intentions for them.
Those who are kind, loving, and giving cannot comprehend the heart and mind of one who is cruel and unkind. They keep coming up with innocent cause of cruel actions.
Ouch.
She couldn't comprehend any negative, bad or malicious intentions of her husband. His cruel actions were from misunderstanding her intentions. She just needed to prove her kind intentions and show patience.
He couldn't comprehend any kind, thoughtful, or sincere intentions of his wife.
Um, those who are cruel and unkind cannot comprehend those who are kind and giving. They see kind actions and come up with negative intentions for them.
Those who are kind, loving, and giving cannot comprehend the heart and mind of one who is cruel and unkind. They keep coming up with innocent cause of cruel actions.
Ouch.
He'll be kind if I just do everything right.
So often women tell themselves,
"If I have the perfect body, keep a perfect house, control the situation so absolutely no conflict or upsetting thing happens, if I have the children in complete control so they never say or do anything to upset my husband, if I pray and love and do everything possible to control the situation to my husband's desires. Then nothing will upset him. He will be happy and kind."
"If I can just keep everything perfect, my husband will be a good man."
Um, here is the problem with this logic.
People who are good and kind, well, they are good and kind.
Good people don't need perfect conditions to be good.
You keep telling yourself your husband is just doing thru a difficult time and will be good and kind, if you meet every demand.
That's not what "good" is.
Good is good. Good is not conditional. Good is not constantly finding reasons to behave cruelly and hurtful.
Quit telling yourself he'll be good under the right conditions.
Good and kind doesn't need perfect conditions to be good and kind.
It's just another lie you keep telling yourself that is hurting you and hiding the truth.
"If I have the perfect body, keep a perfect house, control the situation so absolutely no conflict or upsetting thing happens, if I have the children in complete control so they never say or do anything to upset my husband, if I pray and love and do everything possible to control the situation to my husband's desires. Then nothing will upset him. He will be happy and kind."
"If I can just keep everything perfect, my husband will be a good man."
Um, here is the problem with this logic.
People who are good and kind, well, they are good and kind.
Good people don't need perfect conditions to be good.
You keep telling yourself your husband is just doing thru a difficult time and will be good and kind, if you meet every demand.
That's not what "good" is.
Good is good. Good is not conditional. Good is not constantly finding reasons to behave cruelly and hurtful.
Quit telling yourself he'll be good under the right conditions.
Good and kind doesn't need perfect conditions to be good and kind.
It's just another lie you keep telling yourself that is hurting you and hiding the truth.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Silence
If someone you love is abusing you, the worst thing you can do to "help" the abuser, is to be silent.
As long as you are silent, the abuse will continue.
I know you have a hundred and one reasons to be silent.
They are all lies.
Speak up.
As long as you are silent, the abuse will continue.
I know you have a hundred and one reasons to be silent.
They are all lies.
Speak up.
Friday, February 19, 2010
The need to be in control in a crisis.
One complaint I frequently hear from women, is their husbands need to be in control without taking the effort to understand any given situation.
The abusive husband steps into the situation, and takes over. He doesn't ask any questions, doesn't listen to find out what is really going on, and flips out with a ragging temper tantrum, yelling, lecturing, intimidating, dominating, etc.
Last weekend a male friend of mine commented that he and his ex frequently fight, and seemed to suggest that he liberally tears into her. "That's what ex's do" was his explanation.
Then he mentioned that he just gets frustrated with his ex for keeping him out of his children's lives.
Okay, brethren, if you have an ex that you share children with...
Um, be nice.
Handle all crisis's calmly and intelligently. Don't take over the crisis. Ask what is going on. Don't supervise the conversation, or put on dominant know-it-all airs. Listen, then ask what you can do to help.
The more talented and intelligent your children are, the more creative the crisis will be. Married and single parents both have amazing challenges with their children.
If the mother knows that the first step of any crisis is "Calm Daddy down." Believe me, after the divorce, she's not going to turn to you for help unless she absolutely has to in raising the children.
If you have temper tantrums over small situations and normal day to day events, you can count on exclusion as a general rule.
The abusive husband steps into the situation, and takes over. He doesn't ask any questions, doesn't listen to find out what is really going on, and flips out with a ragging temper tantrum, yelling, lecturing, intimidating, dominating, etc.
Last weekend a male friend of mine commented that he and his ex frequently fight, and seemed to suggest that he liberally tears into her. "That's what ex's do" was his explanation.
Then he mentioned that he just gets frustrated with his ex for keeping him out of his children's lives.
Okay, brethren, if you have an ex that you share children with...
Um, be nice.
Handle all crisis's calmly and intelligently. Don't take over the crisis. Ask what is going on. Don't supervise the conversation, or put on dominant know-it-all airs. Listen, then ask what you can do to help.
The more talented and intelligent your children are, the more creative the crisis will be. Married and single parents both have amazing challenges with their children.
If the mother knows that the first step of any crisis is "Calm Daddy down." Believe me, after the divorce, she's not going to turn to you for help unless she absolutely has to in raising the children.
If you have temper tantrums over small situations and normal day to day events, you can count on exclusion as a general rule.
Friday, February 12, 2010
True Love is Not Blind
Can one begin to describe how it feels, to have someone precious to you, look at you, and know everything about you, good and evil, and still love you and hold you as dear in their heart.
True meaningful love is not based on lies and pretending. Love is best realized in reality.
What a relief it is for someone to see you at your worst, and have them smile back at you in Love.
Oh the torture of pretended Love based on deception.
I hope and pray that my children can learn this kind of love. I think they have learned this love more than I know.
I guess we teach it when we don't freak out when they come to us with their personal disasters.
True Love is Truthful
If you have mistreated others and caused pain, afflictions, and suffering in the lives of others, and you want to gain love and respect of friends, brothers, sisters, spouse, parents and children, you have two options.
A. Lex Luthor: Kill the guy who knows the truth on your wedding day and spend the rest of your life hiding the the truth by threatening those who would expose you.
B. Confess the truth, testify of what you did, listen to those you hurt and the destructive impact you've had in the lives of others. Forsake your corruption by recognizing how you hurt others. Change. Stop threatening. Accept the truth, take ownership of your actions.
Once you have hurt others, this is the only true and honorable path to gaining the Love and respect you desire.
Pray to God for help in repairing the consequences of your actions in the lives of others.
You and you alone have the power to determine the validity and honor of your sacred relationships.
True meaningful love is not based on lies and pretending. Love is best realized in reality.
What a relief it is for someone to see you at your worst, and have them smile back at you in Love.
Oh the torture of pretended Love based on deception.
I hope and pray that my children can learn this kind of love. I think they have learned this love more than I know.
I guess we teach it when we don't freak out when they come to us with their personal disasters.
True Love is Truthful
If you have mistreated others and caused pain, afflictions, and suffering in the lives of others, and you want to gain love and respect of friends, brothers, sisters, spouse, parents and children, you have two options.
A. Lex Luthor: Kill the guy who knows the truth on your wedding day and spend the rest of your life hiding the the truth by threatening those who would expose you.
B. Confess the truth, testify of what you did, listen to those you hurt and the destructive impact you've had in the lives of others. Forsake your corruption by recognizing how you hurt others. Change. Stop threatening. Accept the truth, take ownership of your actions.
Once you have hurt others, this is the only true and honorable path to gaining the Love and respect you desire.
Pray to God for help in repairing the consequences of your actions in the lives of others.
You and you alone have the power to determine the validity and honor of your sacred relationships.
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