Who do we Protect?

I put every part of my living breathing into trying to save my first marriage.  I believed in the institution of marriage to protect me and my children.

I believed the timing of  a young boys death served as a personal warning for us to make our marriage work.  I worked hard believing our children's very lives depended on it.   Years later, after a callous comment he made, and countless incidents, I realized, instead the death was a warning of the kind of man and family he represented. But then I realized, my children's lives depended on me standing up to him.   I wanted him back, pathetic yes, but I loved him.  But I realized that if I couldn't stand up to him, when he was unkind or cruel to our children, or to anyone, that we should not be together for their sake.

After not personally speaking to him for two years, I was shocked by his way of thinking when we spoke again.   I found him so far off key. Even more disturbing, I found myself agreeing with him in conversations, then after the conversations,  I felt like I "woke up"  and shook it off and was angry with myself for being so blurry minded in the moment.  I didn't like the way I couldn't retain myself with him.  It tore me up terribly. It was the hardest thing I never wanted to accept.  When I looked at him I felt eternity.  But I had to accept the reality of his cruelty.

I always though he would get better.

Now, I don't like the way he treats my children.   Sometimes I feel like there is so little I can do to protect them.  I try to teach them to put their faith and strength in God.   He is the one who will never fail us.  It's hard when you see your child hurting so much.

When our children are hurting, we as parents should be willing to put our own needs aside to help them.  

The other week, a new show, "Touch" about a father with an autistic son was on television.  In it the son, climbed a cell tower and sat at the top.  When the father came to help him, the father was afraid of heights, but it didn't matter, he still climbed to the top to save and protect his son.  As a true father he put his fears for his own protection aside to save his child.

A parent doesn't say, "I have to protect myself" when their child is in danger.   Personal self sacrifice is a part of what makes parenting real.  Being a real parent can really hurt at times, more than we can imagine. My children need me and will for  a long time.   So I live my life in such a way so I can be there for them. 

In terrible dark moments, there were times I felt like giving up.  But I didn't.  I've always believed that our family members that are "gone" now are still with us and watch us.  As powerless I've felt at times to help my children, the though of watching my children from the other side, unable to do anything to help my children as they passed through the adversities of life, was more horrible to me.  

It is for them I've chosen to live.   I love them with all my soul.  I see amazing things in there eyes, even in their greatest adversities.  Even in their greatest weaknesses I remember what they are to be when the reach their full potential, so I don't give up.  I want to see them accomplish everything honorable thing God intended for them.

I have a new life now, and a new loving husband.  He care about me so much.  He is kind and faithful.  He treats me with respect.   He loves my children and hurts for them when they do.    I don't have to go to the hospital alone for a child anymore.  I love him.  He is a good man who respects how I feel.  He takes the time to listen so there are no misunderstandings.  He is very patient, and I am very grateful for him.

Learning to love a man again has been terrifying.   I didn't think I would ever be able to even fall asleep with man in my house ever again.  But I do and I feel safe with him.  For a long time I knew there were guardian angels working hard to protect me  and my children.  One day I grew tired and complained to God that the angels protecting me were nice, but it sure would be nice to have a guardian angel I could touch and see.

And that is who God sent, Phil.

If you Could Change the Past Part 1

If you could go back in time, would you really change the past?

What moment would you return to, that shaped so much of your present?

Would you really make the other choice?

I would go back to the hospital intensive care with my baby in March of 2002.  What would I really change the choice I made that week?

The months that lead up to that moment were painful.  The choice was huge. The consequences, of the choice, unknown?

Do people choose what they choose because their experiences give or deplete their own wisdom? 

Or do people choose what they choose because they are who they are?

Do our experiences truly change us, or our experiences force us to discover who we really are? 

Four months prior, I was pregnant.  Even after I warned him that if we got pregnant our child would be high risk.  Even after he used force.  He was angry with me for being pregnant.  He declared that it showed how manipulative I was.  He declared the pregnancy was a ploy to trap him into marriage.  I didn’t understand, it was our fourth child.

The month before I gave birth, I said to him, “What about the children?”   “The kids are going to do, what the kids are going to do.”  Because he said I was using the kids to control him, I was afraid to speak of their needs.  Yet every night I cried for them confused.  I cried for their future. I believed that a whole family would serve them better than anything.  I was willing to sacrifice anything for that.  Well, almost everything.

I had a lot to learn, and a lot to see.

In fear of my children’s future, believing that he just did not have the experiences to show him the better way, I prayed.

I often advise, step in your mind into the future, then, look back at the present, what would you choose now.  Step forward and look back.

I wanted him to have a chance to see the consequences to his children, and to him.   Knowing how difficult the teen years are, we as parents need to know we did everything we could for our children.  I wanted to fix things before it would be too late.

I asked God, “Please, for our children, please, show him the ultimate suffering a parent can have for their child.  There is so much happening that he could see.  Just show him.”  I wanted to know I did everything I could for my children, and I wanted him to want the same thing.  But other people have their own agency.

Shortly thereafter, the week I was due, to make a long story short, we got the phone call.

Because of the prayer, and the boldness of the answer, few moments in my life have been more frightening.  Was it God or Satan answering?  Did this mean…

His beautiful, troubled nephew had killed himself horrifically.

As I thought through the event and what it could mean.  I did not want this for our children.  To prevent it, I wanted him to go to his brother.  I wanted him to hear his brothers trembling voice.  I wanted him to see his brothers anguish.  I wanted to hear his brothers soul searching.  I wanted him to see through his brother’s eyes.   Wanted him to step into the future, and look back.

The funeral was scheduled on my due date in another state.  I went to the computer, purchased a flight and told him to go.  Please go and help your brother, I will just cross my legs and be fine.

When he returned a week later, and we had a chance to talk, I asked him.  “What did you get from talking to your brother?  How did it affect you?” 

His answer.  “If I don’t get what I want in life, I will end up like Joey.”

The view I had at that moment, is not the view I have now.