Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Herod vs Jesus

I've always been mystified by the interaction between Herod Antipas and Jesus Christ.

Previously, Herod beheaded John the Baptist at the request of Herodias.  Jesus mourned the death of John.

Now, as a Mormon, I believe in the Pre-existance.  That we all lived together in the presence of Elohim.  I believe that everyone born here, chose to come here.  Many of us were given callings to live at certain times, and in certain places.  Jesus Christ was called to be the Savior, and Abraham was called to be a prophet then.  Adam, and Noah, and especially Eve were called and chosen before the world began.

I believe that before birth, Herod was called to be political King at the time of Christ.  It is my personal opinion, that before Birth, that Herod rejoiced in Christ, and loved him.  That Herod believed that it was sooo cool that he would get to be the political King during the life of Christ.  I believe that Herod was excited about the power he would personally have to help Jesus in his ministry.  It is my guess, that Herod got pretty excited about that power and his desire to use it for Christ before birth.

It is my guess, that Herod came into the world knowing that he needed that power to serve Jesus Christ, but that after birth, and in his upbringing, he forgot the purpose of his power, and the purpose for his need for power, and became obsessed with power itself.

It is my guess that Herod, after forgetting the original purpose of his need for power, sadly, saw Jesus Christ and his power over the hearts and minds of the people, as a threat to his own power.  I believe that after Herod died, that his memory was restored.  I believe that his memory of Jesus Christ, and his desire to serve him before birth, and his own tragic betrayal of that purpose, is the very Hell Fire Herod exists within.

It is my opinion, that Jesus Christ our Savior, had a faint memory, or sense of his eternal friendship and relationship to Herod.

Jesus Christ stood silent before Herod, as Herod mocked and let him to his crucifixion.

Jesus stood silently before Herod in all affliction that was inflicted upon him.  I personally think, that Jesus thought upon his own sense of the cherished relationship with Herod, and how Herod had become so corrupted in his pursuit of power, that he no longer retained a knowledge of the very purpose of that power.

It is my personal opinion that all of this flooded the mind of Christ as he stood silent before Herod.

Herod treated Jesus Christ with such malice and cruelty, but Jesus stood silent before him..

Sometimes, when those we love treat us with malice and cruelty, we can only stand silent before them.

Much of this is my personal view, not taught to me by any scripture or Prophet.  But simply my perceptions derived from the basic principles of the Gospel I was taught.

Have you ever stood silent while someone you cared for ripped you to shreds?

What's my Motivation?

I’ve been told over and over from you know who that I’m motivated by power and controlling people.  This was very confusing to me coming from someone who is openly, aggressively, dominating and will belittle, intimidate, show aggression to anyone who doesn’t do his will.  Especially toward me.

Alright, what’s my motivation?

As a little girl I used to sing, “When I grow up, I want to be a mother, and have a family.  One, Little, Two little, three little babies of my own.”  The ending verse is “Four little, Five little, six little babies of my own.”

As a young teen I believed my children could see me, and were watching me intently to see how I lived my life, and the life I would prepare for them.

Lots of boys tried to kiss me, but I always felt my kids were with me.  So, not  much smoochy cooperation from me.  Every boy I met, was nope, nope, and more nope.  I did get into a serious relationship with a fine young Civil Engineering student.  I don’t know if he would have called it serious.   But my kids yelled, “NOPE!”  the whole time.

My first memory as a young child was lying of the floor, having been put down for a nap in my brothers’ room.  As I laid there, I remembered something beautiful and wonderful.  I felt overwhelmed with joy, and peace, and remembrance of where I came from.  I knew that I should have forgotten by then what I then remembered.  I decided to force myself to retain a remembrance, by remembering the room and the feeling I had.  I believed that if I could do that, that I would remember what I knew I would forget in time.  Well, I now remember the room, the red door, the antlers on the door, and the feelings I had, and the intent I had.   But, I have no knowledge of just what it was I was remembering, other than it was wonderful.

As a Latter Day Saint, I believe that every child born, comes from the very presence of God our Creator, and our Heavenly Mother.  That every child born or woman, is a literal child of God with all the potential as future creators as God himself, and herself.  That we are cherished with infinite potential of being.

Every child placed in my arms gives me a sense of overwhelming awe and wonder at the beauty of creation.  Each newborn in my home, gave me the sense of being in the audience of actual angels.

In my youth, I was usually cautious of my actions, never wanting to do anything that would bring shame on my children.  I never wanted to disappoint my children or my future husband.

I felt anxious to meet my children someday.  I often said, I was number 6 of 8 kids.  So the family starts at 6 and finishes with 8.  Strange that that quote has been misquoted by someone, considering how many times I said it.

I took the finding of my children’s father seriously.  Nope, Nope, and more nope.  I didn’t believe in love at first sight, or the “only one”.  But I had a sense, that I would “know” him when I met him.   That I would just know.

I met lots of Nope, nope and more nope.  Some asked if I was gay.  I just said no.  I had good examples of fine young men that I grew up with, which set the standard even higher.

I used to brag about serving a mission as a sister missionary someday.  I would claim that someday I would be the first Sister Missionary to China, or Russia, as they were then closed.

Then one day, as I stood in the kitchen of 501 N Blaine St, in Moscow, Idaho, the claim went through my head.  A voice said, “Natalie, you will be single when you are 21, but you are not to serve a mission.  You will meet your husband while you would have served your mission.   You will go to China with your young children.  Your family will disapprove and this will be very hard for you.  But, you must go with your husband and small children to China.”

I was stunned.  But I took it into my heart and told no one.  I didn’t tell my parents that I wasn’t going to serve a mission.  They kept asking about my future mission, and I became just silent on the issue.  I didn’t know what to say.

When I turn 21 and my parents asked me about my mission papers, I finally told them, that I would not serve a mission, but I did not tell them why.   They were very disappointed and concerned.  I’m sure that they must have thought that I had fallen into sin and corruption of some sort.

As a young adult I felt very guided at times, as to where and what I should do for work, and where to live.  Other times, I felt silence, which kinda scared me.

During the time I would have served a mission, I was sitting at work one day, and I was overcome with the sense that I should go home.  Not to my apartment, or to Moscow, as I no longer had family there.  But that I should go home immediately to California where my family moved to.  I walked into  my supervisors office and gave 4 weeks notice.  I walked back to my desk, and called the apt manager, and within 10 minutes had a new tenant signed up form apt.

I packed up all my belongings, and in 4 weeks time, moved to California, a state that I will never claim.

My brother was recently returned from a mission, so I spent time with him and the other Young Adult singles.

One day I was in an LDS class with a young fellow named Scott, when he walked in.  “Matthew”  I thought. I looked at him, I knew his name, I knew his mother was dying of cancer, he was from Southern Idaho, and that of all things, he drove a Mazda.  Why a Mazda?  Whatever!

I wanted to go up to him, hug him and tell him how much I missed him.  I wanted to ask him about everything that had happened in his life.

Some one from the room called out “Matt”, and he responded.  That freaked me out.

Of course, he doesn’t actually go buy Matt, and he spells it with 1 “t”. But in that moment, it was “Matthew”.

But I looked at him and knew, we had never met before. Knowing I would absolutely freak the poor guy out, I said nothing to him at the time.

From then one, I had to play it cool, but I knew.   No man existed in my life after that. From then, until even after he left me years later.  No man existed other than him.

His mother was dying,and she provided an anchor and wisdom for him.

 I loved him with all my heart.  For the first time in my life. Yes, Absolutely Yes.

I felt relieved and at peace.  I felt I knew him forever before.

For then and the years that followed, anything he did although troubling, I felt was just one tiny, minuscule moment in a great long history of eternity.   It’s hard to get offended or angry when you feel you’ve loved someone for an eternity.

We discussed having children, I gave him my silly line, “I’m number six of eight, so the family starts at six and ends at 8.”  He said he was “more comfortable with five.”  I just assumed their would be a compromise somewhere between 5-8 children.

As we were young, and uneducated, we set out to make sure he could get his complete education so he could provide well for our family, and have piece.

The sacrifices we made as a family for his education were infinite and eternal.  We made every sacrifice possible.  We faced hardships and trials together.  We had our children in time.

When we lived in Salt Lake City, and he attended the University of Utah, a teacher encouraged him to take a scholarship from the NSEP program that would pay for him to go to China.

When he came home and told me, I knew I was required to support him.  Know that I still had NEVER told ANYONE.  Not even him.  I knew that the Lord had a great Purpose for us and our children.

I knew that it would be hard.  I knew my family would not support it, and they didn’t.  My mother still tells me that I should not have gone, and that going to China is why my husband left me.

I don’t regret it now, or ever.  I know I did what was needed.  I will never know why, and I accept that.

He left for Taipei first, and I followed with our two small/huge boys after.  Life was challenging.  We were terribly poor.  I did laundry by hand, and we faced incredible adversity.

When we returned, we had no car, no home, and no job.  He found work, bought a car, and we stayed with his kindly step father.

While in Taipei, I was concerned about our son, and prayed for guidance.  As I prayed, I  saw a beautiful little girl, who would change his life forever.  I missed her from the moment I first saw her.  I told Mathew, and we was shocked because of the adversity we faced at that time.

Eventually we had two beautiful girls, which one is her, I do not know.  But I love them terribly.   We all made sacrifices to be a family, to have a beautiful future for all of us.

I could spend days writing of the hardships we faced for him.

Every day, every moment, every second, I spent in the caring for my wonderful children and husband.  He mad mistakes, he  could be mean at times.  But I believed that as I was kind in return to any harshness that he would understand I meant him no harm, nor could I ever harm him.

He came from a broken family, and had an epically terrible father.  Anytime Mathew behaved harshly I blamed his father.  I hoped that by attending church, and living the Gospel, that he would overcome the ideas that darkened his mind, and find peace and joy in our family.

Every day I thought, and worked on helping my children and their father reach every great potential they had.  I worked to help them recognize their talents and abilities.

In September, 2001, Mathew kissed me and told me he loved me, and left fishing with his brothers for a week.  On September 9, 2001 he returned angry, and fierce.

I was in a daze and confused by his every word.  It would be years before I could ever understand.  But I’ve learned that the opposite of the Gospel teaches that people can be controlled, and that you have to protect yourself from being controlled.  While the Gospel teaches that we are free to choose, and thus we never need to fear such things.  We can prove our agency by being kind to those who are not.  We can teach others who hate, that they need not hate, by being kind to them.  But those who believe they can be controlled lash out in cruelty to protect against what they perceive as a threat.

This is why the Savior taught us to be kind to those who offend.  Because, it is so easy to convince certain people, that good people only do good in order to control. Then Satan can turn the hearts against the innocent.

These two believe systems are at war throughout the earth, and even more now, during these politically scary days.

Knowing that no one can control you, and that you are a literal child of God, gives one the strength to see the beauty in others.

The darkness of the other believe system has consumed my family and nearly destroyed my children too.  I watched darkness consume some as they were taught darkness.

As he left I was terrified for my children.  I wept for them nightly.  How could I raise them and teach them of love and devotion in this situation. How could I possibly protect them alone.  Fear for my children consumed me.  Fear for Mathew and the consequences of his cruel to him and and the children terrified me.

He became so dark and scary, and seemed to celebrate cruelty to me.  But, I could not fight back because of the deep love I had for him.  No matter how I turned the other cheek, he saw every act of kindness as aggression.  When i finally had to defend myself, he saw that as aggression.

Korihor is very real.  Korihor was a man who lived a couple of thousand years ago, that taught that loved ones only seek to control you. That faith is only to control and dominate you.  He seeded hate and the destruction of sacred relationships.

I love my children. I hurt for them.  I want them to be able to accomplish every thing that our Creators have given for them.  I see their numerous adversities and want to help them see their way through them.

I want them to know that they are literal Children of the very Beings who created the Universe itself.  That they never need to fear being controlled, but they have all power over themselves, and all power to do good in the world we are sent to.

I want them to know that they can overcome evil with good and kindness.  I want them to know that there is no need for cruelty in the world.  That good wins over evil by kindness and love.

I want them to know that sadly, sometimes they do have to fight back, but only when absolutely necessary, and only with as much measure is necessary.  That they can return again to kindness every chance they have.

I want them to know that God the Creator loves them and is watching over them.  I want them to know all of these things.

I want them to love others unconditionally without fear.  A heart that fears the myth of control can never love freely.

I want them to explore their gifts and talents, and rejoice in them.

The belief that we can be controlled, persuades all men to do evil.  It worked WWII and every other war and confrontation within the earth.

Moroni 7

“But whatsoever thing persuadeth men to do evil, and believe not in Christ, and deny him, and serve not God, then ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of the devil; for after this manner doth the devil work, for he persuadeth no man to do good, no, not one; neither do his angels; neither do they who subject themselves unto him...

And now, my brethren, seeing that ye know the light by which ye may judge, which light is the light of Christ, see that ye do not judge wrongfully; for with that same judgment which ye judge ye shall also be judged.

And now, my brethren, how is it possible that ye can lay hold upon every good thing? And now I come to that faith, of which I said I would speak; and I will tell you the way whereby ye may lay hold on every good thing. 

For behold, God knowing all things, being from everlasting to everlasting, behold, he sent angels to minister unto the children of men, to make manifest concerning the coming of Christ; and in Christ there should come every good thing.
And God also declared unto prophets, by his own mouth, that Christ should come.

And behold, there were divers ways that he did manifest things unto the children of men, which were good; and all things which are good cometh of Christ; otherwise men were fallen, and there could no good thing come unto them.

Wherefore, by the ministering of angels, and by every word which proceeded forth out of the mouth of God, men began to exercise faith in Christ; and thus by faith, they did lay hold upon every good thing; and thus it was until the coming of Christ.

And after that he came men also were saved by faith in his name; and by faith, they become the sons of God. And as surely as Christ liveth he spake these words unto our fathers, saying: Whatsoever thing ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is good, in faith believing that ye shall receive, behold, it shall be done unto you.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased because Christ hath ascended into heaven, and hath sat down on the right hand of God, to claim of the Father his rights of mercy which he hath upon the children of men?

For he hath answered the ends of the law, and he claimeth all those who have faith in him; and they who have faith in him will cleave unto every good thing; wherefore he advocateth the cause of the children of men; and he dwelleth eternally in the heavens.

And because he hath done this, my beloved brethren, have miracles ceased? Behold I say unto you, Nay; neither have angels ceased to minister unto the children of men.

For behold, they are subject unto him, to minister according to the word of his command, showing themselves unto them of strong faith and a firm mind in every form of godliness.

 And the office of their ministry is to call men unto repentance, and to fulfil and to do the work of the covenants of the Father, which he hath made unto the children of men, to prepare the way among the children of men, by declaring the word of Christ unto the chosen vessels of the Lord, that they may bear testimony of him.

And by so doing, the Lord God prepareth the way that the residue of men may have faith in Christ, that the Holy Ghost may have place in their hearts, according to the power thereof; and after this manner bringeth to pass the Father, the covenants which he hath made unto the children of men.

And Christ hath said: If ye will have faith in me ye shall have power to do whatsoever thing is expedient in me.

And he hath said: Repent all ye ends of the earth, and come unto me, and be baptized in my name, and have faith in me, that ye may be saved.

And now, my beloved brethren, if this be the case that these things are true which I have spoken unto you, and God will show unto you, with power and great glory at the last day, that they are true, and if they are true has the day of miracles ceased?

 Or have angels ceased to appear unto the children of men? Or has he withheld the power of the Holy Ghost from them? Or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved?

Behold I say unto you, Nay; for it is by faith that miracles are wrought; and it is by faith that angels appear and minister unto men; wherefore, if these things have ceased wo be unto the children of men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain.

For no man can be saved, according to the words of Christ, save they shall have faith in his name; wherefore, if these things have ceased, then has faith ceased also; and awful is the state of man, for they are as though there had been no redemption made.

But behold, my beloved brethren, I judge better things of you, for I judge that ye have faith in Christ because of your meekness; for if ye have not faith in him then ye are not fit to be numbered among the people of his church.

And again, my beloved brethren, I would speak unto you concerning hope. How is it that ye can attain unto faith, save ye shall have hope?

And what is it that ye shall hope for? Behold I say unto you that ye shall have hope through the atonement of Christ and the power of his resurrection, to be raised unto life eternal, and this because of your faith in him according to the promise.

Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope.

And again, behold I say unto you that he cannot have faith and hope, save he shall be meek, and lowly of heart.

 If so, his faith and hope is vain, for none is acceptable before God, save the meek and lowly in heart; and if a man be meek and lowly in heart, and confesses by the power of the Holy Ghost that Jesus is the Christ, he must needs have charity; for if he have not charity he is nothing; wherefore he must needs have charity.

 45 And charity suffereth long, and is kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, if ye have not charity, ye are nothing, for charity never faileth. Wherefore, cleave unto charity, which is the greatest of all, for all things must fail—

But charity is the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure. Amen.”

Monday, February 22, 2016

Is there such a thing as a Narcissist Empath?

Stay with me.

Okay, Empath and empathy.

When my kids get hurt, I feel real physical pain.  When I see  someone I care about in pain, "I feel their pain." Not in the Clinton creepy way, but real pain.  When my friends attempt to tell me about their latest injury or whatnot, I HAVE to stop them!  It hurts.

When I was caring for a friend's sick horse, I could feel the pain come off of her in waves so badly that I nearly left that poor, dear, mare in the field.  But I stayed.

I know this is common.  There are plenty of moms, sister, daughters and even brothers and fathers that feel this intense empathy.

I felt it for him everyday.  I could have never hurt him, because I would hurt just as much if not more so by hurting him.

Every other day he came home telling me of some random though he had through the day.  Each time, I had been thinking of the same thing all day.

When he came home tired and weary, I forgot all my own pain and felt his.  I would try to ease that pain by comforting him any way I could.  As his pain eased, so did mine.

There were a few times where I felt a sudden intense feeling of distress when he was away, so intense I found myself on my knees praying for help.  Then, he would come home and say, "We need to talk."  I always knew.

You try a custody battle when you feel your spouses pain.  It makes it hard to fight.

When we didn't talk or see each other for two years, I suddenly felt as though I was  going to die.  No really, I felt I had an illness that would most certainly kill me.  I even took out a life insurance policy on my with him as the beneficiary so he could raise the children.  Even tough it was really probably him, as cancer runs strong in his family.

You can look through every email/text/communication and see a refusal on my part to inflict any unnecessary hurt or harm.

Even after. One day I found myself in the garden, minding my own business while the kids were at Dads.  Suddenly, I felt a wave of hatred and anger boiling inside saying, "I'm going to make his life difficult, I'm going to move to where it is hard for him to see the kids."  I immediately knew it was not me I was hearing.  I had a Gollum/Smeagal argument.  "No, I will not move to make things difficult for him.  No I will not act in anger.  I came to Idaho because the Lord wanted us here.  Not because of retaliation or any obscene motive."  When the children returned that weekend, they told me their father was moving out of state and intended to take them there.  I laughed, then took appropriate measures.

I often wondered if the feelings went both ways.

What if some people feel what others feel, but don't recognize that it's not their own feeling that they are feeling.

I see my child hit their hip on the table, I feel pain, I know it's my child's pain.  What if some people never know the pain they feel inside belongs to someone else?  What if some people inflict pain on others.  They feel the very pain they inflict, but never come to the realization that the pain they feel is empathy.  What if they actually think it is their own pain?  Such a person would escalate every time they inflict pain, because their personal distress elevates.  They don't know the true source, and they don't stop?

A Narcissist Empath?  I think it's possible.

Could you possibly train a Narcissist Empath to realize that the pain they feel, is the pain they inflict, and thus, help them give a crap?

Monday, February 15, 2016

How to trick and Manipulate a Man into Pregnancy

It’s been said over and over and over again by certain people that I tricked and manipulated Mathew into getting pregnant the last two pregnancies for the purposes of controlling him, and power.

This continues to be said.  

Here goes.

Before we married, I told him I wanted 8 children.  I also told him that I believed in “letting the children come.”  

When I told him these things, he was so happy, he lifted me at my waist, above his head, and spun around.  I took that as, “Well little lady, I think I am in agreement with you.”  But, Mathew did indicate, “I would be more comfortable with 5 children.”

This is what I call being honest and direct.

Now,  early in our marriage we had plenty of challenges considering he was  a Freshman in college.  Thus it seemed wisest to hold back on all 5 -  8 children, (Wherever the compromise should land.).

Now as far as birth control goes, I HATED the pill.  I turned me into a hormone less drone.  You try a honeymoon with your pheromones shut down!  Anyway..

So, my mother is fertile Myrtle, and my sisters are all freakishly fertile.  One sister laughs that she could name 4 of her five children after the different birth control method that failed.  I told Mathew this.

Thus while I was prego with #2 I picked a stack of books out from the Salt Lake City Library and learned about the Fertility Awareness Method.

I sat Mathew down and tried to teach him all I was learning.  

For the next 2.5 years, from Spring of 1996 to Fall of 1998, we used this method successfully.  Basically, we knew when I was ovulating, and used condoms when necessary.  Each incident, I would faithfully inform him, “I’m ovulating.”  He would say , “I know because……”  Even though he asserted EVERY time, that he could tell I was ovulating, I still informed him.  And we all know how much men love to be told something they already know.  I always placed a folded wash cloth and condom on the corner of the bed when necessary.  

So child #3.  I had a beautiful vision of a beautiful little girl during praying.  I missed her from the moment I saw her.    I asked Mathew to pray about  it.   He took a year off of school after his bachelor's degree.  Mathew got a job at Airtouch Cellular with health insurance. He told me he wanted to have the child, but had fears, and would let me know when.  Finally one day I told him I was ovulating.  He said, “I know.”  and did not use the condom provided.  I will say he put plenty of time and effort into accomplishing the task and leave it at that.

Child #4  After Mathew Graduated from Thunderbird and was working his first post Education Job, after he came home from China, I had a medical incident.  Now, I can go on and on with stories of disabled children due to Doctor’s errors and bad meds.   I can also detail for you the Birth defects had in his family. But I will not go there.  Thus it can be said that I was paranoid to make sure all was well physically for me prior to ever getting pregnant.  Thus, due to the medical incident I had both medications and an immunization.  I came home and informed Mathew that if we got pregnant that month our child would have “Two heads.”  

As usual,Dis I informed him I was ovulating.  But this time, something new and different happened.  Mathew disagreed with me.  He had the usual condom available and REFUSED to use it.  Visions of the disabled children  I knew filled my head.  I did not cooperate from that point, but he was stronger. 

At that point, I had never been more terrified in my life.  For me it was a done deal.  Forgiving Mathew was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life.  But I did it.  I did it because I loved him and I loved my family, and I wanted a family to protect my children through all the challenges of life.  I forgave him because I cherished him.  I forgave him because he was my best friend.  I went on.  I put it out of my mind and committed that no matter what challenges we would face as parents of a disabled child and adult, I would NEVER say anything about it or hurt him for it.  I pictured us as the Halls with their 39 year old disabled adult child lying in bed watching Disney films, committed then that even after all those years of daily hardships, that I would not say a single hurtful thing to him for what he did to us and our child.

Yes our child has disabilities.  Thankfully they are merely learning disabilities that great care and nurturing help her live a normal life.  

He punished me.  He punished me terribly for getting pregnant.  He was without mercy in punishing me for getting pregnant.  He rejected the child until I tricked him into accepting her by asking him to take her with the other children when he went to visit his mistress.  I couldn’t stand the though of a child unloved by a parent.  I did anything and everything I could to make sure he would work hard for his children.  He doesn’t want anything he doesn’t have to work hard for.  His rejection of her was to me the purest form of evil and darkness in existence.  

Since then, it seems to me that he rejoices in cruelty to me, because he believes I deserve it.  But the Savior taught us to be kind to those who offend.  I believe that Jesus taught this because idiots are so easily tricked in believing the people who are good, aren’t good because, “their supposed goodness is just to control you.” 

Now I believe that I was honest, straight forward, faithful, forgiving, and kind.  I do not see the manipulation of my actions, except after the children were already in this world.  That manipulation was only to get him to make an effort to love and care for his children.  I may go to hell for that, but I believed it was best for my children to have a father who loved them enough to be there for them.

To this day, it is my understanding that I am condemned by others for manipulating Mathew into getting me pregnant.  I'm sorry, but I fail to see how teaching a man how to tell when you are ovulating, and informing him EVERY time is manipulation or controlling.  I believe it is honest and empowering.  Now there was a certain window where I COULD HAVE tricked him into getting pregnant, despite his knowledge of women's fertility cycles, but never used it.  I still woke him up to let him know what he was doing.  Considering that all those incidents started with me me unconscious, I would be considered blameless. 

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

What that $1.4 Billion Powerball Lottery Means to the Federal Government

What that $1.4 Billion Lottery Means to the Federal Government

If you take the Immediate Cash of $868 Million
Without Financial Planning the 2015 tax is 39.6%
Leaving you with $524.3 Million
The Government wants all $ to eventually come back to the Feds, thus
Without Financial Planning the Feds take another 40% or $209.7 Million when you die.
Leaving your family with $314.6 Million
And the Feds take a total of $553 Million of the $868 pay out.
This is before your State takes it's bite.

But wait, there's more!
Remember the Government already takes 40% from all Ticket Sales before the prizes are given
Thus the Government already took $579 Million* from Ticket Sales before winners were paid.
Thus the Government gets $1.13 Billion and your family gets $314.6 Million.

In the end, the total Government take is 78.3%* of ticket sales.

The Lottery is a Poor Tax. Have you Paid your Poor Tax this week?

*Total ticket Sales: $868 is 60% of $1447. $1447-$868 =$579
*$1,447 Million total ticket Sales, Family $314.6 is 21.7%

* Yes this is simplified. But, it is the Governments ultimate goal.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

More on Step Parent Alienation

Oh how awful it is to be married to someone who drives away your children.  How sickening it feels to hear them go on an on trying to detail the faults of your children.

I would rather never marry for eternal lifetimes, and be with my children, than to have to be with someone who does not love cherish and accept my children in all their glorious beauty and flaws.

Our children are the most precious gifts of God.

I am so glad I did not allow that relationship to continue.  I am so grateful to my children for their amazing forgiveness.  I am sorry for the trials they faced when my back was turned, although it was brief, it was eternally to long.

Who does that to someone?  Who dares ask a parent to alienate the very children our Creator sent them to care for.

Before we married, when he was on his knees asking me to marry him, I kept him there, on his knees interrogating him at least 10 minutes.  "Do you promise to love and accept all my children?"  He already had a pretty solid taste of how challenging my kids could be.  Whatever!

Single motherhood, barely swimming above poverty and a small home with the children is better than worldly possessions and a spouse that wants you all to themself.

After the "I do"s, once he went on an on about a specific child.  I faked being asleep for 30 minutes and he was still going.  I actually fell asleep and woke up yet another 30 minutes later and he was still going.....

Yes our kids have faults.  Yes our children make mistakes.  It's called growing up.

But, parents are supposed to be mature enough and big enough to love them through it, and be there for them always.

Getting out of those relationships isn't always easy.  Say you realize you married your stalker, what do you do then?  You cannot leave them and keep yourself and your family safe.  You slowly and carefully disappoint them until they leave you.

The easiest way to disappoint them is to continue to accept your children into your home, and love them.

I know I will be held accountable for what happened to my children while distracted.

I'd rather have no companion than that.

I am so very, very glad that is over. Oh the peace that brings.

But, I have what is most precious.  Those things are nothing.  Although repairing the damage done to my children took a lot of work, and will continue to be work. I am so grateful every day that it is over with him.

Being around someone who drives away your children warps your brain. It tears you apart in too many directions.  That kind of toxic negativity takes a while to clean off your soul.

Marriages are supposed to be Sacred and Holy.  Marriages are supposed to be a blessing to your and your children.

This afternoon I returned home and couldn't find my daughter.  I looked around in our small home, all of 1.5 seconds.  Then I looked outside.  I looked around the yard, and initially I couldn't find her.  Then I looked up high in the tree and laughed.  She sat there quit and thoughtfully staring into the sky for a while.  She is so much braver than I am.  How I love her for that!  She even has baked potatoes sized muscles in her arms.  Where did she get those?  Later I quietly laughed at her strawberry jam/boiled egg/spinach sandwich.  My son came to me excited with another of his ideas.  I listen to these at least once a day.  He's kinda smart which makes him hard to follow.    Later I watched my other daughter go from happy over whatever, to sad, and "No, I don't want to talk about it."  To happy again.

We made healthy chocolate snacks.  #3 hated them, laughed and spat hers out. She then added sweet and condensed milk to hers.   (various nut butters, raw local honey, coconut shreds, and dark chocolate powder formed into truffle balls, then rolled in chocolate powder again)  The only bad thing about chocolate is the fat used to deliver it with.  Nut fats, healthy.

Teens are nuts.  I love them.  I strangle them.  But, I love them too.

Friday, January 8, 2016

How to Win the Rewards of the Big PowerBall Jackpot.

How to win the Rewards of the $900 Million maybe $1 Billion Dollar Jackpot!!

First, sit down and make a list and check it twice.

Make a list of all the projects, ideas, services, travels, things you want to do for yourself, your family, your friends, your community and the world.

Make the list quickly. Take no more than 5 minutes to write it.

Then pray about it.  Ask your Almighty Creator what you should do.

Then add a little more to the list.  No more than five minutes.

Then look at the list, and break the list down into steps for each item on your wonderful I'm Going to Win Nearly a Billion Dollars.

Then on Sunday morning, when reality sets in, go over your list again, ask yourself, "How many of these things can I do without nearly a Billion Dollars.

You may be surprised.

You don't need a Billion Dollars to write a book, or a blog of whatever you are passionate about.

Maybe instead of buying Wolf Springs Ranch in Colorado, you can get a job there.

Maybe instead of paying Disturbed to do a record album of Jean Valjean and Javert's songs thats safe for Grandma, maybe the band could be moved to perform it from an online petition.  Here is the Petition.

Highlight everything on the list that is possible, and almost possible without your precious nearly Billion Dollars.

If you want to visit a foreign country, get a job as an English teacher in the country of choice.  Sell your car and use the funds to buy a plane ticket.  Sure you may come home dead broke, but you did it.

What's on your, "I just won nearly a Billion Dollars" list?

You may not be able to do everything on your Powerball/Megamillions list due to the lack of funds in your Bank Account, but you will be surprised how much you can do.

Oh and yeah, this works whether or not you buy a ticket!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Problematic Communication and Suicide

One of the most delicate conversations you will ever have, is an attempt to comfort a friend, family or loved one in the event of a Suicide.

A family suicide is one of the worst case scenarios for problematic communication.


Years ago a boy I loved, a precious member of our family took his own life.

As the boy's family is LDS, and I am LDS, I pondered what to say to another family member not of our faith, who would be attending the funeral.

Because I have personally made every communication blunder possible, and the husband of the woman I wanted to write to is and was openly hostile to our faith, I thought I could best trust an article already written on the subject by the Church itself.

I found the Article by M. Russell Ballard, Suicide: Some Things We know, and Some We Do Not, insightful and intelligent.  The WHOLE POINT OF THE ARTICLE IS TO DISPEL THE MYTH THAT EVERYONE WHO COMMITS SUICIDE GOES STRAIT TO HELL.

I read over it several times as it brought me comfort.  It first exposes the harsh beliefs of those who oversimplify the delicate subject.  Then moves on to reason and intelligence and the Love and Wisdom of the Almighty.  The article pleads understanding, patience, and faith in God's grace.

“I believe the Lord will consider each case separately and judge the circumstances of each individual. I have sincerely sought direction from our Father in Heaven to help me understand the nature of suicide. And I have come to know, as well as anything else that I know from God, that these people have a place in the kingdom of our Father, and it is not one of darkness or despair, but one where they can receive comfort and experience serenity.”

And thus, I sent a link to the article to my non-LDS family member, hoping for her to have a greater understanding of how Mormons perceive the tragedy.  I was very careful to not say anything myself, but left it to the article to explain.

Instead of a response from the woman I sent the email to, her husband responded with hostility, arguing with the assumption that the article I sent declared the child was in hell.

I felt that any further attempt to straighten out the miscommunication would only make thing worse.  So for the last 14 years, those family members have hated me for it.   Lovely.  Just lovely.  Go Natalie!

But hey, the story gets even worse.  Yep.  So the mother was a dear friend that I cared for and worried about every night.  Her husband and I spoke several times on the phone over the next couple of months.  I wanted to speak words of comfort to her, but I was terrified of saying the wrong thing.  She was understandably terrible traumatized and fragile during this time.

I thought of her son, on the other side of the veil of death, watching his mother helpless to comfort her.  I felt that he would want to comfort her, but was powerless to do so.  For me, to have to watch a dear, loved one suffer, while helpless to intercede is absolute hell.  I laid awake many nights, trying to understand and find the words she needed.

Finally, I spoke with her on the phone.  I knew of her fragile state, and believed that she needed to know, that the best way for her to help her son, was to heal herself.  So I told her that I believed that her son could see her and her suffering.  I told her that I knew her son loved her dearly.  I told her that seeing her suffer so, was a hell for him.  That her healing would be healing for him.  I tried to be so careful.  For me, these are empowering words, to be reminded of the love her son had for her, that she could make a difference to comfort him even after he passed on.

What did she get from the conversation.   Her boy was in Hell.  Yep, I did it again.  Go Natalie!

So after 14 years, my kids came home from an extended family event, and asked me about this.   Yep, they got to learn from the horses mouth what a jerk I am.  Gratefully, this situation is easily explained to them.  As they too, have experienced people misunderstanding them, they understood quite easily.  I guess they get to learn from me that we are all misunderstood at seemingly the most significant moments.  I hope my loss comforts them when they too are misunderstood.  At least they can learn that.  They know that if someone doesn't want to understand, there is no way to make them understand.

I got out two pitchers of  water.  Mine was open, while the other pitcher was shut.  I demonstrated pouring my water of intelligence into the closed pitcher.  My child laughed as the water splashed everywhere.  This is what it is to try to explain something to someone who doesn't want to understand.

I then got out a teacup, and tried to pour a gallon of water from my pitcher into it.  The water spilled everywhere and made another mess.  This is what it is to try to share intelligence with someone not ready for it.

I didn't have a big water gun.  But I explained that for some people, trying to pour your water of intelligence to them,  is just to fill their water gun so they can shoot you.

Communication can only happen when both parties are willing, sincere, and capable.  It doesn't matter how much you love someone, or want them to understand you.  Thats just too bad.  They have to be capable and willing, you cannot force them to understand you. Continuing to try to communicate in these situations, just makes the situation messier, and arms them with more ammo.

We discussed different ways of dealing with people who we want to understand us, but don't.  We discussed the importance of knowing our audience, and their readiness, and willingness to understand.

Here is a link to our favorite article,

Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Scariest Most Dangerous People in the World

The most dangerous, and scary people in the world are those who believe they can be controlled and that they are controlled by others.  Nothing is weaker that someone who believes these things.

Now, Basic Christianity 101 teaches us that no one can be controlled.

Every teaching of Jesus Christ is focused on how we treat others, irregardless of how they treat us.  His teachings are all about treating others with respect and kindness.  Christ speaks of being kind to those who mistreat us. This is the ultimate act of true power.

This is because of the basic simple fact that We, Ourselves, are the ONLY one we can control.  There is no way to control anyone.

Anytime ANYONE has ever spoken to me of the fear of being controlled, I have considered them ignorant and confused.  For so many years I didn't even know how to address it, because the very concept was so foreign to me.   It wasn't until the last ten years, that I came to understand where in the world this idea came from.

I grew up in an authoritarian home.  But Mr Authority was always pretty busy.  So when he was gone, which was A LOT, out came the gun powder, and we'd build little volcanoes in the field, put a hole at the top, and powder in it, then light it.  Gun Powder, black powder, I don't know.  But I learned from watching all that happened, that there is no such thing as controlling others.

Physical force and coercion can work only while the pressure is applied.  Even then, most minds plot escape from the coercion during the moments of coercion.  It doesn't work.

Free will is a basic desire of the human spirit.  The right and and ability to choose burns in our hearts.

When someone believes that they can be controlled, and/or that they are being controlled, or that they can or should control others, it brings out the darkest of Humanity.  Such a believer can commit any and all cruelties against the individual or group they believe is controlling them, without any remorse or holding back.

Adolf Hitler's Mein Kampf, a painful read, even if you can only get through a few pages of the filth, Mein Kampf is a longwinded monolog of the many Methods the Jews use to "Control" others.  Adolf in his over bent intellectualism think he is outsmarting the Jew in explaining all the tricky ways a Jew can use a pretended kindness to put you under their thumb.  It's all about how the Jew controls others.  Adolf claims that the little "Jewess" who pretends to fall in love as a young girl, is just really trying to seduce you into mating with her and creating more Jews.  Of course Adolf's filthy mind and preaching that the Jews were controlling people, and that the only way to defend against it was to bake, gas, smoke, fry every living Jew on the globe.  Yikes.  People were sucked into Adolf's profoundly ignorant belief that people can be controlled.

People can be controlled only so long as they believe they can be controlled.

Perhaps those who believe they can and are being controlled have never experienced or embraced their own true free will.  They begin to evaluate every action of the other, solely on the measure of gaining or loosing power.  This basic distortion of reality clouds their judgment.

One of the most power full experiences you can have, is to have a beast, a dog of a human tear into you emotionally, and still look inside yourself and know that you still have the power to be sincerely kind to them, that you are of worth, and that God Loves You.  That is the greatest power that exists in the world.

Jesus taught to be kind to the bastard.  To be kind, and feel kind within,  to a ruthless bastard, knowing that you still have power over your mind in the worst of the worst of situations, so much that you can be kind to such a person, in all sincerety of heart and soul, is the most powerful feeling you can ever have.

In Rwanda, the Hutu leaders preached over the radios, all day and all night of the evil Tutsi's desire to rule over them and control them.  The radios continuously blared of all the innumerable ways Tutsis seek to rule over Hutus.  The Tutsis had all basic rights taken from them, until Tutsis were near powerless, and yet the Hutus were so weak minded, they still believed that the Tutsis could rule over them.  Their solution, the only solution was to kill and murder every Tutsi man woman and child they could find.  In 100 days, the Hutu's slaughtered 800,000 Tutsis.  Little girls.  Pregnant women.  Little boys. Babes.  Everyone, anyone.  The bodies were piled high, but still the Hutus were so weak and pathetic of mind that they believed the Tutsi's would destroy them so they continued on in the filth.

The truth is that those who believe they can be controlled become very weak themselves.   No mater how much power you give them, it is never enough.  They still fear the power they imagine you can have over them.

Power over self is the only power that exists.  Nothing else is real.  That is why EVERY teaching of Jesus Christ, is all about what we can do as individual to serve others righteously.

Until you understand your own power over self, you can never experience true unconditional love to and for another living human being.  Only then can you understand what real love is.

As you understand your own power over self, and you own place in your life as you learn and grow and progress, you being to see others, in their place of grown or regression.  You understand that just as you life is made of your place in experience, so is their life.

You come to understand that someone else's ignorance, or weakness may hurt you, but they are not ABOUT you.  It's not about YOU.  Their flaws are about them.  You have no ownership over their flaws.  They are theirs and theirs alone.

Their actions, although they may be against you, are their actions, and their actions alone.  Just because they are directed to you, doesn't make it about you.  It's about them.

That disconnect is profoundly freeing.  Understanding this helps you to free yourselves of the hurt they seek to inflict on you, and see them for themselves, for who they choose to be.

After that disconnect of their abuse of you, you may someday come to a place where you can even pray for them and seek for their repentance and coming to God so that they may experience the freedom of self, and the true power that comes from it.   You may even pray for them to have experiences that will open their hearts and mind to the truth of what is real.

This is why True Believers always see to reach out.  While for some, the wounds may be too fresh and deep to be anywhere near the abusers, maybe even for all of the rest of their lifetime.  Some wounds may not heal enough before standing before Christ himself.  That's okay.

Only by and thru this Atoning power of Jesus Christ, and the basic understanding of Free Will can there be peace on earth, peace in our homes, and families and relationships.

Faiths that preach of force and coercion, faiths that distance the believer from their own experience of self control, self will, free will, these faiths can only bring more suffering and bloodshed to all of creation.  Faiths that preach that peace can only come through the subjection or annihilation of another group, can only bring suffering and death to self and the world, as subjection can never truly exist.  When you combine this belief with the belief of "get the  bad guy", you have a toxic, sometimes deadly combination of beliefs that lead to terrible violence

Faiths that preach of Free Will, and how to overcome the darkness through light, choosing service and love as individuals, these faiths will bring us closer to our God in Heaven, and closer to our potential as his literal Children.  The belief of Free Will combined with reach out to the "missguided" to bring them to the light willingly, is peaceful.  Remember the worst thing that Christ taught to do to the unbelievers, is Dust off  Your Feet, as you leave their home.  Thats it.  Dust off your feet.

I believe that Satan is very real.  I believe that his number one teaching is that others can and will have power and control over you, that you have no power unless you take someone else down.

More importantly, I believe that God the Creator of all Creation lives, and is all powerful, seeks to GIVE us POWER, has no fear of losing power.  I believe that he cannot give us that power until we personally come to understand the very power we now have, and that as we experience our own sense of power over self, exercise it, and grow, that the Lord God will grant us more.  Our Spirits grow within in power and strength.

Please reread the First Four Gospels of the New Testament, focusing on how Jesus Christ is teaching us how we personally have power, Real Power.

Sincerely, and in the Name of our Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.
Natalie Fleming

Friday, October 26, 2012

To Love a Wayward Parent

The unconditional love children can have for their parents is amazing.  Of all the stories I've heard from children, young and old about their parents, it seems their is only one unforgivable crime.

No matter all the terrible things a parent can do, even if they are in prison, it seems that only one thing can ultimatly cut them off from the child.

As long as the child, (adult child or young) feels and sees that their parent loves them, respects them, and cares about them and their well being, that seems to be the most vital thing they need.

Beyond that, a parent can commit so many terrible things, but once that parent turns to their child and says, "I love  you, I respect you, and I'm sorry." and demonstrates that they really mean it, that's all they need.

When you sort past all the nitty, gritty messes of family relationships, it comes down to that one simple principle, the need to be loved, respected and accepted, trumps just about everything.